In your divorce, your past conditioning, unless revised, is your life sentence - Martin Hristov || Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast #037 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome to the DONT PICK THE SCAB podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce. Welcome, Barbie, out there too. This is DONT PICK THE SCAB podcast episode 37.

[00:00:31] We have Martin Hristov on the mic today and he is an author, inspirational speaker, bliss coach, and holistic well-being expert. His superpower is helping men in their midlife crisis, getting them to realize their untapped secret potential in turning crisis to triumph.

[00:00:49] He is busy with his writing, coaching, and teaching. Welcome, Martin, to the show. Let's start with the bliss question. What is a bliss expert? Hi, David. It's an honor to be your guest and to shed some light on a lot of valuable subjects that we can address today.

[00:01:09] Hopefully that will be of great value and relevance to your audience. So to answer your question, what is a bliss coach? Well, here's the thing. The question here really is not what is a bliss coach, but what are we all sticking in this life?

[00:01:26] Because as human beings, we are not as simple. Our demands or needs in life are not as simple as those of animals because when animals have shelter and food, they don't desire anything larger. They're not looking for more food to store for tomorrow unless they're kind of like

[00:01:47] getting into their winter period where you know, we have squirrels and few others animals that kind of like anticipate and plan in advance. We humans are very different. We as there's few dimensions to us as human beings.

[00:02:04] Then first, there's the animal dimension, which has those needs that any animal has, right? Shelter, food, the necessities that helps us to continue living and eventually obviously to procreate and so on, to continue the species. However, there's another dimension that is not satisfied by those meeting those needs.

[00:02:31] There is another dimension within us that is always seeking something more, always seeking something more. And this thing that it's seeking consistently, persistently without any way to fulfill is joy or bliss or this sense and state of utter contentment and satisfaction with one's state of being.

[00:03:01] It's something that we all seek once again, once we satisfy our basic needs for food, shelter and so on that once we ensure our survival, that becomes our preoccupation. And we as human beings in the Western world have many avenues that we can pursue that,

[00:03:24] whether it's through professional expression, whether it's through starting a family and being married and having children, whether it's through having a lot of love affairs, whether it's through art, whether it's through singing and playing and painting,

[00:03:38] whatever the hell it is that one seeks to attain joy from or acquiring possessions, for example. That's another big one, right? Purchasing homes, cars for men, whatever the hell it is, right? Fancy watches and so on and so on.

[00:03:58] However, no matter how many of those things you achieve, you acquire, checkmark of your list, this still deep rooted sense of contentment and satisfaction and fulfillment is always lacking, it's always escaping. You always continue in this loophole to chase your tail, looking out there,

[00:04:23] out there, out there somewhere to find it. Doesn't matter where you're going to look. We don't have to be or we don't have to succeed more than everybody else because the first lesson

[00:04:36] of history is that humans do not learn from history because you don't have to go and do the same things that people have done for thousands of years, whether it's their conquered almost

[00:04:47] the entire planet or the richest magnets in the world or this and this or the most successful athletes or whatever to see that these things didn't brought them this feeling of contentment and satisfaction because this is what drives everybody to reach that state where you can be

[00:05:05] sitting still, silent and secluded with yourself and be totally enjoyed without having to do anything, have anything, engage with anyone or anything. This is what everybody's seeking that sense of utter contentment without any need for anything external outside of you.

[00:05:31] So how do you coach people to get that bliss? How do you get to that point? And I'm so glad that you're not very passionate, you know, I'm so glad you're not passionate

[00:05:41] Martine, you know it's not loud at all, you know, I'm so glad you're just nice and calm but appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I don't you see I speak from experience because that's what drove has driven my life up

[00:05:55] to this point like you were sharing with me earlier what started you with your with the podcast and so on. And one thing I discovered by reflecting and analyzing my life up to this point recently

[00:06:12] because I wanted to put it really into words so I can communicate it to others what's my life has been all about and what I discovered is that all my life up to this point

[00:06:22] I'll be turning 40 next week and when I say I my human body will be turning 40 I the pilot who knows that one we can you know I can give you an educated guess but I would say billions

[00:06:37] of years old as old as the whole universe and not just me pretty much every human being you come across because it takes a long time to get to a human form and start to navigate

[00:06:49] life from that perspective but that's a whole different story that I would love to kind of expand upon. So point being I discovered that all my life I've been trying to figure out what

[00:07:03] life was all about why are we here why are we doing this thing why everybody forgets this question why and get satisfied by so pseudo answers and get caught up in this chasing

[00:07:15] this chasing that because I chased a lot of things none of those things gave me satisfaction I've pursued many different career paths I can give you like a whole day to just tell you that I've moved across so many things I've studied many things done these things

[00:07:31] that dated many women acquired a lot of things and none of those things ever gave me satisfaction so I was and again I'm also a student of history or I research many different fields I'm a

[00:07:47] poly mat in many ways meaning I educate myself a lot about a lot of different subjects that might not necessarily be related or have a relation between them or seemingly on the surface level however little by little you start to make the dots or connect the

[00:08:03] dots and see how everything integrates but point being I studied the life of many successful men doesn't matter if they lived 2000 years ago or a century ago whether they succeeded as great military leaders or spiritual leaders and blah blah blah blah right they all always

[00:08:25] found themselves in the same place chasing their tail it was never enough never enough the only ones who actually had to take something that's worthwhile were all the saints these were the souls that were never in lack of they're always giving they're not seeking anything

[00:08:44] they were just looking to show others or open the eyes of others of how to find light in their life because it's there it just we navigate through life with these shutters that blast out

[00:08:56] all the light and only lets in all the dark so point being how do I call somebody to go about this and discover this bliss within oneself which is already there it's part of who and what we are

[00:09:13] and what I mean by part of who and what we are is in our essence that eternal essence that we are that surpasses time label lives gender anything has nothing to do with this physical body

[00:09:30] if you can reach that state of your consciousness where you can just be aware that you're just pure consciousness what you are is just this container of pure consciousness that using the human body

[00:09:41] can sense through the five senses of the body but itself if I shut off your senses you can still sense that you exist this this is in the simplest way you're a container of consciousness that is

[00:09:54] going through this lifetime in a human body and through the five senses of the human body you're gathering that on behalf of something much greater what's that much greater well the simplest word they they've been through using through the centuries is God right now

[00:10:11] what your picture of God is I'm not going to tell you but my deal is I I speak like that because I speak from experience I don't take things at face value no information I ever read that I resonate with

[00:10:26] is ever taken at face value I always put it to the test I see if in a scientific way if it produces results and if it does well I stick to it because obviously the results if they're the

[00:10:38] type of results I wish to see more of my life well I keep replicating them because it's a scientific method and same with my coaching and the methods one can apply in their life intelligently in a

[00:10:50] scientific way to achieve that bliss within them to find what they truly are in their essence and start to navigate and live life from that place so a guy goes through a divorce because you

[00:11:01] got me hopping now about the container of senses and bliss so a guy goes through a divorce and is contentious and it's just horrible and his container of bliss or senses takes a hit how does he recover

[00:11:16] from that what are some of the ways he can recover well the first place to start first is to re-engineer his identity and what I mean by that I am dot dot dot dot you get my drift so if he says

[00:11:35] I'm a divorcee or like you know a divorce man with blah blah blah blah he's already stuck and that will be his life story for the rest of his life that will be his container

[00:11:49] so to speak not physical but mental container how he holds himself so the play the first place I would recommend to start it's like I'm happily separated and I'm a bachelor again so I'm ready

[00:12:03] to explore and learn first of all that would be the first thing to do the second one will be to see why did you end up divorced right to reverse engineer what happened because so not to repeat

[00:12:18] history exactly exactly because doing the same things over and over again expecting different results is divine as I mean defined as intelligent people by as insanity or form of insanity okay so what are

[00:12:35] some strategies do you recommend for men over 40 to adapt to major life changes that come with divorce such as living alone or co-parenting so the place to begin with again is introspection introspection and really because here's the thing no divorce doesn't matter how it's initiated

[00:12:59] and what site and so on and so on and I'm guessing since the the the name and the topic of your podcast it kind of like points me to the direction of women has initiated hence why the person is

[00:13:14] recovering because otherwise he wouldn't have nothing to be recovered he'll be happy to be in that situation right so point being is to first is to reverse engineer and analyze what happened there

[00:13:25] because you cannot be at a communist parade and not sit there at flags right no divorce gets initiated overnight yeah so what were you neglecting or how were you denying or just living in a fantasy

[00:13:48] that this is not going to happen what led you to believe that to take full responsibility because all relationship dynamics are created from both sides it's a dynamic it's not a it's not one person

[00:14:03] leads the show both parties are contributing to your the dynamic and whether it's harmonious or chaotic of your relationship so how did you contribute what did you do and how can what can

[00:14:18] you learn because there are no pros there is no ideally good or ideally bad circumstances in life so this is the this the really the place to start realize that although something such as divorce

[00:14:37] may seem like the worst thing in the world at the moment it might be the greatest blessings down the road because you don't see right now as where this divorce that you saw upset about at this

[00:14:51] moment is positioning you or how it is positioning in you in the trajectory of your life three years down the road to be in a better place than you can ever imagine at this moment because martin you're

[00:15:09] like you're like you read my mind because my next question is self identity and growth how can divorce be a catalyst for a positive self identity and personal growth for men in this age group

[00:15:23] that was my next question but go ahead that's that's perfect so to to finish the talk here is i want to offer you a little bit of an anal anology or a metaphor all relationships are vehicles

[00:15:39] for growth that's what they are if you look at it because if you're not a relationship in someone and what i mean by this there are many types of relationships right you can be in a friendship you

[00:15:51] can be in a just platonic relationship or just friends with benefits relationship you can be buried you can be engaged you know there's many or you can be a father to a child right or a mentor

[00:16:05] to somebody there are different types of relationships and all these relationships are vehicle for growth and with all vehicles if you are to take an airplane for example you have a flight from

[00:16:18] this destination to the next destination when what happens when you arrive at the destination they kick you out of the plane you cannot sit on the plane for an indefinite amount of time whether it's the

[00:16:30] bus whether it's the train whether it's the plane same with this body what happens when your lifetime in earth school ends they kick you out so same with your with your marriage especially if you

[00:16:44] haven't been designed intentionally to serve as an vehicle for growth that unfolds and continuously grow on both sides eventually you're gonna be kicked out of the ride because well you didn't design it with longevity in mind you just went into it blind walking through life and that's

[00:17:08] how most people get into marriage marriage is a great responsibility that a man takes that has to be well well navigated and reflected upon visualized and like planned out not that the plan is gonna

[00:17:23] work but you need to understand what you are getting yourself into who is the person that you're getting yourself into this marriage with like and really what I mean by it because most people get married too early because they're still having actually overcome or finish the infatuation phase

[00:17:46] where they don't see the little indiosyncrasies in the other person that actually might hate right because everybody gets jumps on the on that on the boat very quickly without making educated well calculated choices because a marriage is way more than just a romantic

[00:18:12] relationship right there's a lot of things that are get interwiven and there's a lot of things to navigate because now you have two lives that are one way or another harmonized to become one

[00:18:26] the interests of two human beings and hope and many people even bring children into the world through that vehicle which complicates things even more so point being you have to be very intentional

[00:18:38] and intelligent about it so depending on where you at and how your right ended and obviously if you got kicked out of the ride without not by your choice all right it's a good very good

[00:18:53] thing to sit down and really learn and analyze what happened there how did you contribute to those circumstances because I can I kid you not you can take at least 50% credit to the

[00:19:07] circumstances not you know it's very easy to blame the other party and say oh she is this she is that and that's how most victims people in victim mentality always point the finger at

[00:19:19] the other person versus thinking responsibility you as a man the listener you have to take full responsibility for the outcome because in in the western world there's this paradigm of the equality right of women and men being equal and blah blah blah and feminism and empowerment and

[00:19:41] this and that but at the end of the day the men is the captain of the ship in the family relationship that's how it's navigated you would never see a woman no matter how much the

[00:19:53] feminists are telling you oh you know we are equal and blah blah blah a woman that goes hits on a man and tells them oh I want to take you out on a date they expect you to do it so it's equal

[00:20:05] world and blah blah blah but you know most of the time they still expect you to play the men's role no woman is coming and making offers or I haven't seen them myself unless they're

[00:20:19] let's put it this way not very low on the desirability scale not in against them from from just from the looks perspective so point being here is that you've contributed to the situation whatever you've contributed it's your responsibility that's the first place to start

[00:20:38] to take responsibility not to blame because that empowers you then to not be a victim to not blame to not be in anger or have any issues of hating on the other person but to actually bless

[00:20:52] them to walk their path so you can find the path that is right for you going forward because obviously the right ended now where do you want to continue to walk towards what's the next

[00:21:03] destination and the next destination in that situation for many men generally speaking is to find time and space to heal themselves and to work on their own inner world not to get back into another

[00:21:18] relationship or any other dysfunctional vehicle to end up in the same place it just to look at the issues that you have to address as a man not to blame and get caught up in all these

[00:21:34] nonsense little rabbit holes that will take you nowhere literally let's talk about the infamant midlife crisis how is divorce recovery and midlife crisis they can be one the same sometime how are they alike and how are they different well one can definitely lead to the other

[00:21:58] one can definitely lead to the other it's a it's a very interesting phenomena that is observed in the western world or like let's put it this way a midlife crisis is something that only happens

[00:22:09] in the western world or in developed countries or it has been observed mainly in developed countries or in lives of humans who again who have already met these basic necessities of life

[00:22:23] and have aspired for more because you see who wants to reach a certain degree again of position in life of achievement and so on and so on and you are past your prime time and you start to see

[00:22:36] that from then all you've reached the top of the mountain and now it's a slow decline you're not going to be younger any longer you're not going to be as hard as you used to be and so on and so

[00:22:48] on and you have to in one way or another almost cry over losing all these things and you start to think about where your life is what have you done and how fulfilled you are and so on and so

[00:23:02] on all of a sudden you see that well you know you're not getting younger you're not getting prettier you're not getting stronger you're not getting any of those things physiologically speaking and most likely I don't care again if you're Alexander the Great or you are Rockefeller or

[00:23:22] whoever the hell he was you still gotta be unsatisfied because the moment you reach a certain degree of prosperity success and so on in psychology they call it the hedonic adaptation maybe I used to it and it becomes something you take for granted so it's not something

[00:23:39] that excites you anymore where you added life your mega yacht your mega company is always something else so and when you reach that top of the mountain you start to see the long decline that triggers a lot of psychological issues that haven't been worked out one of which

[00:23:57] the big one is befriending and embracing dead and being okay with that right that's a very big one for many to swallow interesting wow let's talk about the relationship with children which is a big one with my men over 40 how should men over 40 approach their relationship

[00:24:21] with their children doing and after the divorce process how does the self identity play a part with their interaction with their with their children while they're trying to heal well this

[00:24:33] first the first place to start is not to blame the children or to at least communicate to your children that they whatever happened between mom and dad has not been to do with them it's just

[00:24:45] some nonsense that mom and dad couldn't work out it has not to do with the children because otherwise you'll be placing the burden on your children and they'll have to deal with it as

[00:24:57] well so don't be selfish and take responsibility for what happened as the man because if you cannot divorce has happened for reasons things in life that tests our resolve and emotional

[00:25:13] grit happened for reason and the only reason is so you can learn grow evolve and move on got to so point being the first place to start is communicating clearly to your children that

[00:25:27] has nothing to do with them then again you're changing your identity from a parent to let's say individual parent or separate parent or because either way you'll be playing a great role in your child's life hopefully depending on you know obviously there is legalities they're

[00:25:49] involved and if you know hoping that you still get to see your children and have influence on them the next big place to start or the big the most fundamental thing to keep in mind based on how

[00:26:06] all your children are and so on and so on is to be a great example for them to be the parent that demonstrates how to be not the one that says oh do this but I do the opposite right

[00:26:21] demonstrate be be an example for them to follow so that means that you will have to fine tune your game and your awareness of yourself of how you are the things you say how you act and so on when

[00:26:39] you're around them because that's what your children are seeing although it's subconscious that is what's influencing the most and obviously the things you say to them because if they're young whatever you say to them is going to be grooved very deeply in their brains and going to influence

[00:26:57] how they function going forward in life so I would highly recommend having a very positive empowering language around your children and always using even if you have no idea right now pick up book on positive psychology and just use some expressions from their great your own that

[00:27:17] you empower your children to be great human beings hey there you go how do you help me and realize their potential untapped potential and what is untapped potential well what is untapped

[00:27:31] potential what if I told you that once you reach that potential you can manifest out of thin air palaces of gold in a matter of seconds that you can manifest multi-body and being two places at the same time physically what if I told you that you

[00:27:53] can fly on the other end of the universe and come back and still have this conversation that we me and you are having simultaneously meaning that I'll go and visit the other dimension and come back

[00:28:09] still holding conversation with you and you're not even noticing that is the untapped potential that exists for human beings now I'm not suggesting that I'm going to do this for you this takes a lot of time and maybe lifetimes of you developing that untapped potential but the

[00:28:27] untapped potential that exists in infinite just look at the night sky that same intelligence that created this infinite universe is expressing through you the only constraint is your mind and your habits you have poor habits and what I say by poor habits simplest

[00:28:52] way to put it really I've brought it all all my teachings and all my wisdom and insight into this one catch all phrase or sentence your past conditioning unless revised is your life sentence

[00:29:13] now what do I mean by this everything that you think you are at this moment is just a bunch of habits it's a big spaghetti ball of habits it's habits of thought habits of feeling habits of activity

[00:29:31] habits of pretty much everything from this hand and where you brush your teeth in the morning and at night the side on the bed you sleep how you sleep how you breathe how you chew on your food

[00:29:44] every goddamn thing about you is a habit including your sense of self identity that we discussed earlier everything is a habit and if you want to unlock that full potential well you have

[00:29:57] to change a lot of these habits but the first place to start if first you need to be become aware of all of the habits that are not producing the effects that you want to see more of in your

[00:30:11] life because it's a scientific method if you do this this happens right for one of the fundamental laws of physics cause and effect so if I was to offer you the tools and habits that do produce

[00:30:32] the results you want to see more of in a scientific way well even be confident that you will see more and more of the results and the more you see the more you will be willing to do it however as any change

[00:30:50] changes always very uncomfortable at first because it's much easier to follow through or do what you've already become accustomed to so fundamentally comes down to becoming aware of all the poor habits that one have and again they have to do they cover everything from the thoughts we

[00:31:17] have on our habit shows on a habit show base the way we feel the way we speak the way we move and the activities we engage in from a moment to moment the things we prioritize and have time for

[00:31:36] and the things we always find a reason why we can do some other time right it's good but you know we'll find another time for wow so hence you have a choice to you know continue to live what I would

[00:31:53] call a insufficient from a satisfaction perspective life and poor expression of the infinite potential that lives within you the only way to tap into this is to test certain things that will give you

[00:32:10] a little taste of what is out there and what is available because only experience can change speak with passion because I speak from experience I don't speak from book learning and what I would

[00:32:24] recommend for many listeners right now that haven't ever tapped into this that are kind of like uh you know what the hell is this guy talking about like he sounds like you see you know some

[00:32:36] crazy lunatic and this and that because there's a lot of nonsense about a lot of things out there well I would recommend you go and sign up for a little workshop on holotropic breath work

[00:32:52] and experience that for yourself then we can talk again well well we want to thank martin man that was a lot of knowledge man that was interesting man sorry the camera went out but we but we got

[00:33:04] all the knowledge that we can handle uh we want to make sure our man over 40 uh listens to him and will get the show notes and we will get that that link that you just talked about at the bottom of the

[00:33:16] show notes uh we know that you have a website event uh special offer youtube instagram go ahead and speak on that one martin sure well the best place to to find about my work and how I can be of

[00:33:31] service to you and add value to your life is to just simply go to my website mar tin h r i s t o v dot com and there's plenty of things on offer and you sign up for my

[00:33:49] for one of my events if you're in the la area and come hang out smoke cigars and discuss discuss deeper more relevant things about life or just not talk whatsoever and just you know

[00:34:06] wow have a nice a nice company to share it just hold space for you if you just want to share something that's holding you back or are you looking for there you go mines uh

[00:34:21] a group to uplift you and again on my website you're gonna find all the resources that I can be of service to you including uh free full to our coach and call now you can hop on and

[00:34:37] regardless of where you stand in life I can help you to create a plan to navigate forward going forward to reach the next destination that let's say in the current circumstances if you're somebody who just got out of the divorce or going through

[00:34:56] divorce can allow you to build as something we uh we were speaking with you David before we launched a podcast of to build a solid foundation going forward because the foundation that you have is fundamental right every real estate developer or builder of anything

[00:35:19] worthwhile that will extend the test of time knows that the foundation is fundamental and if you don't have a solid foundation to build upon everything you build on is going to be shaky and eventually it's going to collapse so point being let me help you

[00:35:36] let me help you build the solid foundation going forward whatever your life journey is taking you and because of the life to put it simply life is the greatest adventure you can ever take part of

[00:35:51] and if you allow me I'll open your eyes to too many things that you don't at this point are completely unaware of let's put it this way well there we go well thank martin for

[00:36:04] hanging with me tonight uh that was a that was uh you got me thinking about that especially the um habits I would think about my habits as you were talking I was I was categorizing my habits as

[00:36:16] you were talking so we appreciate your time don't go anywhere we're going to sign off here but thanks for your time