The Ultimate Relationship Threesome - Chantal Landreville || Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast || David

[00:00:15] Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community To thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce Check it out Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast episode 45

[00:00:33] The podcast that explores and presents guests that can provide divorcing or divorce men over 40 with tools and Advice to help in their divorce recovery. Welcome Chantal Landreville. Get that right to the show

[00:00:47] Through her website raise your love signal. Her superpower is helping people find or just be available for love Getting her clients the proper love skills and attract the right partner

[00:01:00] So tell us a little bit about yourself Chantal and I got some questions for you. Let's go with that Signing. Thank you, David. I'm happy to be here About me. I am a certified love and relationship coach

[00:01:11] I am also the author of my book that was released Valentine's Day raise your love signal It's a guide to attracting and keeping at the love of your life because this is

[00:01:21] One thing I realize, you know, it's already hard to find your person. It's a journey especially in today's day and age Um, what do we do about making sure that we're actually able to sustain and? and and keep our partners in a long-term healthy thriving relationship, so

[00:01:39] um, the book is literally Everything from eight is ed in your journey to love whether you're single or already in relationship And what you actually need to make sure you put into place as fundamentals to succeed in relationship

[00:01:53] And I realize that these are skills that we've never been taught Nobody teaches us in school how to be in relationship And everything I'll talk about with you today, David is not just applicable to romantic relationship

[00:02:05] It's applicable in relationship with another human, right? It's just I want people to know that and um Through my own personal journey of trying to find love. I was single for almost 18 years. Oh my god That's a long time for being single I um, I consumed uh

[00:02:25] A lot of self development and I tried and did and read and attended every possible conference Possible experience. Wow. And when I when I did find my partner finally, which now we're engaged

[00:02:40] We've been together we're going on our sixth year. I this is where I realized all of this stuff where wow thank god I had learned everything I learned to be able to apply it in my relationship because

[00:02:52] You can be with the right person and not have the toolkit built to help you manage through All the curveballs that happen in life including stress finances kids throw the kids in there. Yeah, it's just difficult. So um This is my this is my purpose now

[00:03:10] It's teaching people how to sustain and be in relationship and ideally Before you go into your relationship You know, let's talk about one of the big um Hurdles self doubt that's you know, I'm not good enough. I don't deserve it. How do people get past that?

[00:03:32] Oh, that's such a good question Hey, we're talking off the bat, baby. Boom drop the hammer That's such a good question And I'm happy you asked because this was my blockage This was one of the reasons why I consistently attracted unavailable

[00:03:48] partners was I did not feel worthy and deserving of the kind of relationship and love I was Trying to call in so there was a misalignment, right? If you do not feel worthy of something

[00:04:01] How do you expect to actually call it in and having the results for it? So one of the things that I started doing and I actually talk about this in my book. I mean

[00:04:12] Some of them are small the smallest little things where one you need to learn to trust yourself and your worth And I always say some of the best ways is start by Preaching and acknowledge the things that you actually do love about yourself

[00:04:27] You know, one of the things that I loved about myself was my laugh was my joy of life was my fire And I was like I need to actually

[00:04:36] Honor that and and put that up front with myself and one of the ways I did that was by doing affirmations where it's um Reiterating because we we talk to ourselves all the time. I always say you really have to be careful of the language

[00:04:52] That comes out of your mouth one of the Really great ways that people can relate to this right away is we tend to complain We complain all the time. Oh, yes

[00:05:03] You know, I don't really like my job or you know, it's so hot and it's like you've been waiting for the summer all the time So this is like It just goes to show how we're so conditioned

[00:05:15] So you really have to pay attention. That's why affirmations is sometimes people roll their eyes at me and I'm like, you know It's all about changing your wording It's like I get the eye roll

[00:05:26] Oh, yeah, like no no no this is you're missing the point the affirmation is rewiring your brain For you to really say, you know what I am worthy of love. I am safe

[00:05:37] I am I am beautiful. I am funny, you know, all of these things. So it's really working on Reconditioning your brain to you have to love yourself first so Worthiness is a lot of work and one of the things I always say to um practice that is

[00:05:58] Doing little baby step things like this affirmations to make sure That you slowly rewire your brain and develop that that confidence that trust in yourself And that worth of yeah, you know what?

[00:06:16] This is who I am and I am worthy of receiving exactly what it is that I'm looking for and I'm okay with that But you have to give yourself permission first if you can't give yourself that permission

[00:06:28] So now I got a two-part question because you just trumped my other question. No pun intended You were saying that you had to call it in you have to you had to be available for love to call it in What is actually calling in and the new buzzword?

[00:06:42] Is mindfulness? Yes, and what the hell is mindfulness? Well, that's a good question too. David you have some good questions so I'm already baby I'm mindfulness Literally it's so a lot of people associate mindfulness with either spirituality meditation, which yes, they all are mindfulness for me

[00:07:06] I like to use the word self awareness instead Where mindfulness is being mindful of what's happening Who you are why you are the way you are and that's why I actually say self-awareness And I've come to realize as I've been teaching especially in the last year

[00:07:23] The power of self-awareness is the key for you to succeed in relationship and level up the game in your relationship Equality this is why the more you understand who you are why you are the way you are The better you will be able to

[00:07:44] Communicate these things to the people to your friends to your co-workers The more you will be able to have the bigger picture. Oh, I got triggered by what this person said

[00:07:53] It's not about what the person said it's about it's it's kind of calling in some old stuff for me Or if you're being reactive you can actually Call yourself out on your own bullshit and say okay. I'm overreacting right now. I actually don't need to

[00:08:08] And this is why I'm overreacting so I would say that that's why one of the things I I I love to talk about is like discover all the different Medalities of mindfulness and self-awareness to get to know yourself as better as you can

[00:08:23] And i'm going to give a really concrete example a couple weeks ago We were on vacation me and my fiancee and I had just had a bit of a falling out with One of the friends that we were traveling with

[00:08:35] And we're in the car driving and he asks me like are you mad at me? And I was like, I'm not mad at you at all. So I'm just dealing with something in my head and I'm processing what just happened so

[00:08:46] 15 minutes later, he's uncomfortable with my silence and he asks me again Are you angry at me? And I was like, where's this coming from? Why do you I just told you I'm not mad at you Why are you taking this personally?

[00:08:59] He said this he's like, you know, you know that my dad was an alcoholic And when I was in this kind of environment where there was this silence, it was always uncomfortable for me

[00:09:10] I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and it's kind of like triggering all that old stuff So number one self-awareness. He was able to catch You know his stories and for me what that did was like, oh, okay. Thanks for sharing it

[00:09:27] I can actually control my mood right now I know because I know my man so well and he's communicated these things to me the level of interaction of the focusing on the solution versus the problem was so so easy for me to just okay

[00:09:41] I need to kind of like lighten up and maybe change and start having a conversation with him and deal with my stuff a little bit late. Does that make sense?

[00:09:50] So there's a lot of power in that so when I say mindfulness is just being mindful in general of who you are Why you are the way you are being able to pay attention to what's going around Not only with you, but with the other person

[00:10:05] It's really it's really just being sensitive compassionate uh empathetic with yourself and other people And being able to have that conversation With kindness With yourself or even with other people because the relationship to yourself is a relationship

[00:10:29] And that's where I feel mindfulness comes in where you're actually being able to be mindful Why why am I getting triggered? Why why do I want to attack this person? So I always say that in a chatter that you're able to develop to help you navigate communicate

[00:10:48] Be able to set those boundaries if you have some because when you have mindfulness You know yourself. We're able to say no this is a no this the yes and also be comfortable with it What about calling in calling in? Yes part two Part two

[00:11:07] Great listening skills. I appreciate that so calling in for me is This is one of the places that I see that clients get stuck. We think we're ready for love We all want to experience love

[00:11:21] But we self sabotage because when I talk about calling in and I'll use myself as an example I was trying to call in my person But the problem is I didn't feel worthy of calling in The love that I was

[00:11:38] Fantasizing or that I had determined for me the kind of relationship that I was looking for So when you're trying to call in something and I another word could be manifesting because we're trying to manifest

[00:11:52] When you are not aligned with what you think in your mind and what you feel in your heart You can't call in anything You know if you feel a lack of worthiness of any confidence of your talents at work Or who you are as a person

[00:12:08] How are you going to call in that person? So when I say call in that person it's more of a state of manifestation Does that make sense? Yeah What do you think about the concept and I kind of believe in this that that when you're dating

[00:12:25] All you're finding out what you don't want in each date So you're almost making a tally of making a score or you're like trying to improve yourself So some of my friends and me We think that dating is Is like a stepping stone to the right one

[00:12:42] What do you think about that? I actually love that. I think Most people date to have an outcome, especially women they go in and you know, and it's like, okay I'm dating to get a result. It's like I is this my person is this my person

[00:12:57] Where I would say go out date to get to know who you are especially after divorce, right? You're kind of You're you're especially if you've been in a long-term relationship. You're rediscovering who you are You're trying to figure out who you are and who you want to become

[00:13:12] And you're also trying to figure out, okay, you know, this didn't work for me What do I want going forward because you need to learn from Your past relationships that didn't work out and what did you do?

[00:13:24] What didn't service the relationship? So I actually think dating is a great way to practice those skills You just have to be clear with the other person if you're not looking to I'm practicing on you Practicing the skills and one of the things that suggests to people

[00:13:44] Is make a list and when I say a list it's not a checklist I think a lot of people when they're looking for love, they don't realize

[00:13:51] The importance of having a vision of the kind of relationship they want to experience. We we always make it about the partner I don't know if you may it's like, okay. I want a woman like this. I want her to be this

[00:14:03] I want him to be like that. I want to you know, but what about how do I how do I want to grow and evolve in a relationship? What are the core values? Uh that I want to experience. What's the compatibility trait that I want to have

[00:14:18] How do I want to communicate with this person? How do I want to feel when I'm dealing with a situation at work and I want to feel supported So the back end of the channel is really important. So that that is like

[00:14:33] Having the long-term vision versus focused in the short term And I think a lot of people get lost there when they're starting to date They just focus on the person and the chemistry and you know, this person is pretty or he's hot or

[00:14:47] You gotta have a base until you gotta have a base though. You gotta have something Well, of course you need to I call that attraction, right? Has nothing to do with because people are so focused on superficial wants

[00:15:00] And when I say wants because I talk about this in my book the difference understanding the difference between wants and needs Wants are typically very superficial. I want him to be six foot two. I want her to be skinny

[00:15:12] I want her to be sexy and sexual. I want him to cook. I want her to be funny I want him to dance. I wanted to want want want it's very self-absorbing Where needs I always say they're fundamentals. It's like air

[00:15:26] Water breath you can't live without their your deal breakers. So in my case at one point because here's what happens when you When you do that list and I it's an exercise that I suggest people do

[00:15:37] Do the list of wants and needs one beside the other. What do you want a need from a partner? What do you want a need from a relationship perspective? And what that does is that when you start dating the clearer you get on that you will eliminate

[00:15:52] What you thought was important And for what really matters So I'll give you a perfect example of my own relationship when I met Jeff one of I always wanted a partner like a dance It was actually a deal breaker for me

[00:16:05] But I was going to be with them know how to dance because I'm a dancer I love to dance and I was having all these fantasies we'd go salsa dancing and ballroom dancing stuff

[00:16:16] And and when I met Jeff first question one of the first questions I was like do you dance he's like Yeah, I'm kind of not to have two left feet and I was like, what do you mean?

[00:16:26] I said do you have rhythm? He's like, well, what are you? It's like, well, can you do at least a little shoulder roll or something? That's what he's told me Well, I was desperate and he's like, this is not happening to me. What what's happening

[00:16:40] But as we continued dating and we got to know him each other One of the things that was a need for me was one someone that would accept me for who I was with my loudness with my big personality

[00:16:53] With my independence because I was very independent as well Someone that would support me. So how this transferred as we got to know each other is like, he knows I love to dance Now he'll say, you know what go out go out dancing with your girls

[00:17:06] Or if we're at a wedding and I say, okay, you need to give me at least one or two dances He's like, let me have four shots of tequila and I'm I'm going in but I'm giving you like one or two dance the end so

[00:17:16] the need is like His support and his respect That gives to me is more important than the actual Want or desire for him to dance and that's not what would have sustained a long term committed relationship at the end of the day

[00:17:36] So people get really hung up on stupid superficial things you need to think deeper On what's what's the salt? What's the what's the uh, how do you say what's the pit like what's the middle? That would hold your relationship together

[00:17:52] I'd rather have someone that has great communication skills and that will actually Acknowledge and listen to what i'm feeling when I share what's happening instead of dismissing me Yeah, I think one of my biggest Deal breakers were smoking for sure

[00:18:09] What is chasing love and how can that be detrimental? When you're chasing it and you're not finding it. What's the difference between trying to find it and chasing it?

[00:18:19] Well, I'll reiterate it to another question. It's like do you want a life story or do you want to love story? Professor parel actually talks a lot So what kind of love are you looking for?

[00:18:32] And it's kind of like do you want companionship or do you want partnership? And I think our idea of love when you talk about chasing we're often in love with the idea of being in love The kind of love that we've been taught is very rom-com

[00:18:47] Disney fight, right? It's not like so What what that's why one of the questions I ask in my book is like What is your relationship with love and what do you want your relationship with love to be?

[00:18:59] And that deep deep in I mean now a lot of people are like, oh shit. I never thought about that but It's true because we're so in love with the idea of being in love

[00:19:08] And the kind of love that we've been taught is not enough to sustain a long-term committed relationship And I'll give you a great example where most people when they're Chasing for love. They're looking for the lust the passion the butterflies the connection. Yeah

[00:19:22] I want this chemistry and whatever Which they often expect for that to happen within one or two days where you actually Give it to me. Give it to me now Yes, no anyone Yeah, this is what happens and this is one of the reasons why relationships fail

[00:19:41] In a in a in a short amount of time is that we when we were more on dating game We're like we're like in seduction mode. We're like, what can I do to make this person happy?

[00:19:51] We're giving it all we're going all in all in all in all in Then you like kind of get the hook And then people get lazy and stop doing everything else. Yeah Yeah, so I my poor man. I always say you're like my my uh

[00:20:06] My ko-bye like you're in my teaching ground all the time. I I decided to Experience the difference where it's like, what if I take it slow and I don't reveal all of myself right away

[00:20:16] I don't give all of myself right away and the question I asked myself is like how can I sustain this in the long run? Can I What i'm doing right now, can I sustain this in four five six eight years?

[00:20:29] And most of the things that we do at the beginning we can't if you ask yourself the question You cannot sustain that i'm texting sending flowers every day. I'm making her meal I'm like wearing all my sexy underwear. I'm gonna do sexy underwear I'll be fine man

[00:20:47] You just people can't sustain that so I we've learned to build our fireworks with time I am more in love today and I actually Experience butterflies today versus the first two years of our relationship together

[00:21:06] And that's because we nurtured it and we are holding each other to high standards daily Daily and i'm not saying that there's like some weeks that are like But it's like we really hold each other high standards to bring

[00:21:22] Back and saying you know what we're disconnected like we need to do something and plan something now to kind of like reconnect Hold each other accountable basically So chasing for me is dangerous

[00:21:34] Is very dangerous and again, I'll reiterate the story. It's like do you want a life story or do you want a love story? What kind of love are you looking to experience? Wow, it's pretty good

[00:21:48] Love skills. What are some of the basic love skills that men can or anybody use to attract love? Oh I'm so happy men have you this is Thank you Some of the basic skills Have listening skills Listen listen pay attention to what someone is telling you

[00:22:12] Pay attention and this doesn't just go for men I think in general and this is a skill that if you develop so well It will pay off in every area of your life and you're with your work with your your Your your friends with your family

[00:22:28] Pay attention to what people say and acknowledge them instead of dismissing them. I think this is one of the things that Fails in relationship all the time. We don't talk and we dismiss when people share

[00:22:41] They say something if someone you love is taking the time to communicate something to you pay attention listen Second be interested A lot of men and this is one of the massive complaints

[00:22:53] I get when men are dating with women is that men aren't interested. They don't ask questions to women Ask questions be interested Um, I would say develop your communication skills Learn how to be able to

[00:23:09] Say what it is that you want say what it is that you need Um, again because everything I teach needs to be reciprocated. It's not a one-way street So, you know, if you're developing your listening skills, it's nice to be able to receive the same thing back

[00:23:27] in a relationship, right um The willingness to Willingness for me is a keyword You're willing to grow. You're willing to listen. You're willing to say you're wrong when you know that you're wrong That's a tough one Don't talk in your ego Because I call relationships threesomes

[00:23:53] A relationship is literally a threesome. It's you your partner and the relationship and the relationship has an entity of its own And you always have to think how is my attitude? How is my comment? How is my trigger? How is this going to service the relationship

[00:24:12] Is it most of the time when you're able to ask yourself that question? It doesn't so that's your ego trying to the need to be Right. You're like dismissive. You're just like, I'll leave me alone. You're always on my ass like meh

[00:24:25] So is that attitude going to service the relationship or not? You always have to think How is this servicing the relationship? Not me not my partner our relationship together Because this is where I think people get lost. It's like very self-absorbed. We're

[00:24:43] Me me me me me me me me me especially in today's a day in age and a relationship is not a Who it's about us. You just gave me the title of the podcast Relationship threesome Yes Yes, that's gonna be huge s e o

[00:25:03] You are laughing but it's a done deal What is a love signal and does it go back and forth? Does the The pursuer have the skill does the pursuie have this the skills. What's a love signal? So raise your love signal for me was kind of like

[00:25:19] Kind of like the wi-fi signal. Are you in full check? Are you in you know, is missing some of the bars? And it's making sure that your bar system is always high and for me the bar system of raising your love signal

[00:25:31] Is always growing learning and being curious. How can I improve? How can I evolve? How can I grow? And this is a daily practice for me and I teach this stuff and I call myself on my own bullshit all the time All the time

[00:25:45] And I guess you know, this is one of the love skills that can pay off and that a lot of people don't have it's humility humility Be humble and you know, I don't know everything. I am not actually perfect

[00:25:59] I fucked up and you know what? It's okay to admit that you fucked up. So Raise your love signal is always just improving who you are and always questioning like how can I get better? How can I improve? am I am I open to

[00:26:16] And willing to be open and improve grow and evolve and I see this in relationship You know women tend to be much more curious than men, especially when it comes to personal development We're not afraid to go ask for help and and be on the quest to actually

[00:26:32] Go it's harder for men to ask and I invite men We need to get better at supporting our men to doing that and oftentimes as a woman we're the nurturers We're the tribal, you know, we keep the community together

[00:26:45] We need to help our men but we need our men to be open to growing evolving and learning Because there's a lot more out there ready for you

[00:26:56] For to succeed versus you being stuck in your ways and saying no all the time and being stubborn and no no no Where for thriving relationships I always say and this is something that we hold each other accountable is that

[00:27:10] We'll always do an activity once a year to grow and evolve as a couple together Whether that's going to a seminar whether that's exploring uh, Tantra, uh, you know level up your sexuality feels together as a as a couple because you have you have to nurture that

[00:27:25] It doesn't just happen on its own if you're not You have to do something about it. So that's all raising your love signal What about and I read this on your website, uh, creating a safe space in order to love. How does that come about?

[00:27:40] Oh, this is one of my favorite topics right now. Um There is a massive lack of human connection, right? We're never we've never been so connected But we're we've never been so disconnected. There's an epidemic of like mental mental illness loneliness

[00:27:58] And these are three things I realized that we can do really really quickly to change that but We're not showing up So a lot of people love to complain especially when we're on the dating circuit men are like this woman are like that whatever

[00:28:14] What about taking ownership first? Do you need to take ownership? How am I showing up? Am I giving my best? Am I doing everything that I can to actually develop have What I'm looking for which is really human connection. So Three things invest the time

[00:28:35] Create a safe space and I'll elaborate on that because this And be curious So right now we're investing the time together to have a conversation You're creating a safe space and you're being very curious about what I do And you're making me feel safe to actually vocalize everything

[00:28:54] Teach about okay It's nothing but it's everything so creating a safe space is listening Is acknowledging what the person is saying it's respecting you might not be okay with it You know today we're like so afraid to say something because we'll get canceled

[00:29:13] Like this whole culture. It's like it's avoiding us to have confrontation and being okay with disagreeing which This is how we used to be and it's like We don't have to agree with everything but we can respect the other person's point of view

[00:29:29] Make create a safe space because when you feel safe This is where your vulnerability Channel went up and this is where there's lack of vulnerability people are afraid of being judged people are afraid of being dismissed

[00:29:43] People are afraid of like my god. This person's not gonna like what I have to say so creating a safe space Is magical to creating deep Meaningful human connections because if I feel safe, I will be able to express how I feel

[00:30:00] I will be able to communicate to you my needs and not feel dismissed We'll be able to say okay. We got this we can do this together We can we got this and one of my last question is one of the things that's

[00:30:13] Dearing to my heart with my co-host Rachel. We talk about self love A lot of people don't practice that and that's part of the nuance of of life And that's part of dating too How can men women whoever practice better self love? And self love is such a

[00:30:34] It's a buzzword as well, right? We've been using it so much. It's but it's like Stop Saying it start practicing it. It's really important. So self love obviously and I this is how I describe it When you have enough self love for yourself

[00:30:51] You especially when you're dating is what this will happen You will listen to your intuition when it's telling you this is not the way Instead of You will pay attention to the red flags instead of shoving them under the floor and saying I can change it

[00:31:06] It'll change with time. You know You will be able to communicate what it is that you're looking for and you know say, you know what? I I can't date smokers and instead of like being afraid of actually because it's a deal breaker When you love yourself so much

[00:31:24] You hold enough respect to say what it is you want you need and hold space for yourself to say no No, I don't I don't accept this. I do not want this instead of compromising yourself

[00:31:37] Uh pretending to be someone you're not to be liked or loved right? We often do that I did that all my life This was the first time in my relationship that I had developed enough self-lapse to say, you know what? This is who I am

[00:31:49] I want to be loved and accepted for all of me the good the bad the big the small And be okay with that Self love it's holding yourself enough to high standards that you have enough respect for yourself

[00:32:01] To be okay with what it is that you're asking for well, shantel this turned out This has this has been so much fun and you know try to keep it to a half hour, but I got so many other questions I can come back anytime david Man

[00:32:18] Tell people about your book and where to find you on the internet. Yes, absolutely Thank you So raise your love signal a guide to attracting and keeping the love of your life is available

[00:32:27] On my website raise your love signal.com. It's available on amazon barns and noble all the links for you to have access to It is there. It's a great book. It's a short read It's very you'll hear my voice in your head as you're reading through

[00:32:43] The fringes because I wanted to create a book that was easy to read Sometimes people get overwhelmed and it's too much information and no matter where you are in your journey to love You'll catch something and it there's a lot of great great reminders

[00:32:57] It's literally the best of everything I learned over the last 20 years that I applied and saw the results and still see the results of So my website and then I am the most active on instagram

[00:33:11] It's my name at chantel dot non revill. You can find me on tiktok and facebook, but instagram is Is my current main platform right now and stay tuned because i'm actually just about to release a course on the art of modern dating

[00:33:30] Which is you know right now in today's day and age we're kind of Struggling with the online dating ass people are burnt out around that and whatever so i'm i put a course together that will help you

[00:33:43] Elevate your dating game and not waste your time and really attract higher quality matches So stay tuned well once again chantel. That was fun. That was way different You know, I love a podcast when it turns out way different than you think

[00:33:56] And this went down a rabbit hole. That was pretty awesome So hold on the line and we'll say good night to our viewers and go from there. Thank you very much for hanging with me Hold on for a second