Being the best version of you in your divorce recovery journey - Jonathan Nizoil || Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Don't Pick The Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce. Welcome, Barbie, out there to Don't Pick The Scab Podcast Episode 42. Welcome, Jonathan Nizoil for me.

[00:00:34] He's a multifaceted being, an international model, content creator, personal trainer, real estate investor, a motivational speaker and a wellness advocate. And also a ex-professional lacrosse player. His superpower is to ignite, charge, foster connections and promote wellness and positivity. We're glad to have Jonathan on the show. Welcome, Jonathan.

[00:00:56] Tell us a little about your history and how you became interested in wellness. Jonathan Nizoil Thank you, David. First of all, thank you for having me. You list off all that stuff that makes me feel old, old to have done. But we'll just shock it out.

[00:01:07] We'll call it a life experience and maturity. David M. Webb Thank you. I have gotten to where I am sitting here with you just by going through life and rolling with the punches, the things that you don't foresee coming, the bad decisions that

[00:01:23] we make and the consequences of repercussions of those decisions and making the conscious choice to pull myself out of it and to live what I thought was the life that I should be living after at the age of 35, I finally thought it was time to end it.

[00:01:42] Enough of all this addiction, alcoholism, eating disorder, all this kind of just mental health stuff, still deal with mental health stuff, but in a much better place. So yeah, I'm a big advocate for life.

[00:01:55] Just talking about my life and things I've been through and just happens to be a lot of it is mental health, like I said, addiction, it shows kinds of things. But it's a bit about me. I'm from Canada originally.

[00:02:05] I've been in Texas for five years and I love to play hockey. Wow. Old guy hockey. Yeah, not out there. Not old guys. I mean, given those young guys wrong for the money.

[00:02:17] I see like a 20 year old come on and I'm like, watch this and I put it in their place. Oh, there you go. Let's talk about addiction. A few of the podcasts I listened to that you were on, you talk about addiction.

[00:02:30] How can addiction be compared to healing from a devastating divorce? It's really devastating. Addiction can be devastating. As a matter of fact, a question too, which I want to put that too, is how can someone with an addictive personality heal from divorce? That's made so obviously not divorced.

[00:02:49] I have a very different personality. I'm genetically predisposed to addiction. On one side of my family, it goes all the way back. It's always been in me. One of my greatest assets and one of my worst. If I want to play lacrosse, I'm going to play in Toledo.

[00:03:02] A protection lacrosse player. If I want to drink, I'm going to drink some of my alcoholics. If I want to become a model, I'm going to become a national model. If I want to do drugs, I'm going to become a drug addict.

[00:03:10] There's the yin and the yang of it. I would say that it's in now that I'm sober, I'm not a preachy, sober guy thinking of a racial beat like that. I just say it's a very easy crutch. And when we're going through hard stuff, whether it be divorce,

[00:03:25] right, I've seen a lot of my friends who've gone through divorces and leaned into it just to be here after work. And that's how it started for me as well. I lost my mom and very suddenly I unexpectedly gave four months with birthing and it rocked my world.

[00:03:38] And just having a good time and having gone up with boys after lacrosse game became like I need to sit here on Tuesday night to get drunk by myself. So it's a very easy way to numb yourself and to make everything go away.

[00:03:54] But you come back and it just rushes back. Everything's there that you were running from the first place. And then all the new fun stuff that you did while you were drunk and all those things. And so I think it's a very, something to be very careful with.

[00:04:10] And I totally respect people who can keep it in check and all kind of stuff like I said, I'm not going to sit here. I said, I wish I should be sober. Definitely. But just be careful when it goes from a watch to a need.

[00:04:21] What are some of the common challenges that people have that you talk to you that are as being a wellness advocate? Some of the common things that people struggle with. A big thing nowadays, especially is this comparison thing.

[00:04:37] We turn on, we open up our phones and we know from a generation gone by where we didn't have that much smaller community in which we were comparing ourselves to. It's always there's always been keeping up with the Joneses and all that kind of stuff.

[00:04:50] But you open your phone, you see somebody and you're like, this person is 21 years old, may have five names like you. I'm like, I'm 42. I think it's a really big thing is happening with body image, with social standing, with so-called popularity, with likes and stuff like that.

[00:05:05] I think it's a big thing is happening and creating this very, just a very obvious and detrimental void in mental health, whereas people are getting sucked into this stuff. And not knowing how to deal with it,

[00:05:18] and not knowing how to push back to how to manage your social media and society and work on doing your own thing and being like. For the longest time, I look at Instagram and when all this stuff tried to come out, I'd use it and stuff like that.

[00:05:32] And now look at it and be like, oh, when I look in this person's profile, does it make me feel good about myself or bad about myself? Is this something that's motivating and inspiring or is it something that like I'm jealous of comparing myself to

[00:05:46] and I had to monitor on and really make a point to keep that stuff out of my life? Why is fostering connection so important and what current does that play in healing? It's massive. I'm a very small circle guy. I'm everybody's best friend. I have time for everybody.

[00:06:09] I have tons of acquaintances, but when it comes to my circle, I'm very small circle. And my friends are all around the world from the places that I've been to work and go to school and stuff like that. I wasn't always good at fostering connection.

[00:06:21] I make fast friendships. So when I go from one sleeve to the next one for modeling, like I'd find a buddy or dating a new girl and things of the like full speed ahead and then move on to the next one and like, okay, move on to

[00:06:35] literally number one to the next one. I think it's really important to foster those connections because those people like I booked a really good friend of mine who helped me through. She was there with me the first day I was now for those

[00:06:46] anchor tightest swim dream when she sat in the hospital room with me on an uncomfortable plastic chair and she just sat with me just was there as I was an extra-grouching chain. And I haven't talked to her in probably two or three years,

[00:06:58] but she is and always will be one of my best friends. If life happens back in Canada, she's married now, all those things. But that will never change the fact that she's one of my best friends.

[00:07:10] And there's one of those things that when you get a best friend, but you cannot talk for months, then you start talking and you're just right into that spot that you left like effortlessly. Like your side. So how do you differentiate between your friends,

[00:07:23] your acquaintances? What's the level? How do you differentiate those? I'm very cautious of letting people in. Like I talk about a lot of stuff that I've been through publicly. There's a whole different level of stuff that I

[00:07:37] is just for me and maybe this many people in the world know about. I'm I would like to say I'm a good judge of character. And but I get burned every once in a while. People are really good actors. And a lot of times we meet somebody

[00:07:53] and you just add away the red flags. We're just out of here. And then we're like, oh, all those lead flags probably should pay attention to them. But that's my differentiating one is like people who I let in and led into the to the deep stuff.

[00:08:07] But like I said, I've got time for everybody. And when I walk in the gym and walk in wherever I read, I want to know how the cashier stays going. I want to pick on my lawn guy and get him seen.

[00:08:16] His fitness advice is always asking me how my muscles are big and whatever. Yeah, I'm going just I want to spread happiness because I've been the miserable person who's spreading misery, because misery loves company. There you go. I'm in a better place.

[00:08:29] I just wanted to try and be more positive. So you talk about the physical part, but part does that play working out, eating, even when you're going through shit, you can still take care of yourself. Self-care is one of my biggest things.

[00:08:43] You've got to take care of yourself. Even if you're going down that rabbit hole, let's say that you get in the forest and you have a couple of kids and you concentrate on those kids, but you can't let yourself go. You can't take care of the kids.

[00:08:55] You can take care of yourself. It's not a selfish thing. It's a fact of the matter that we have to be the best version of ourselves first to then take care of our loved ones in our close circle and then society at wild.

[00:09:10] You can't put other people before yourself. You have to really focus on that. For me, being physically active is a massive thing with regards to keeping my mental health straight, my physical health. I enjoy eating healthy, but I also enjoy what I eat.

[00:09:28] So if I feel like I want to eat something, like I saw this Internet Instagram out and probably pop up out of my phone, so listen to me. But it was like snacks from around the world when you subscribe to this thing

[00:09:40] and it would send you a box of snacks from around the world. That's cool. I want to try to talk to bars once a month, I think. I was like, that's pretty cool. So I didn't like I just indulge a little bit.

[00:09:52] And then I don't like the Monk Club, but yeah, it treats. Exactly. But I don't believe in the word cheat, like a cheat. You know, I don't think that there's such a thing as a cheat

[00:10:02] because if you tell yourself you're cheating, you're not going to enjoy what you're doing. And if you're just living your life and enjoying life or I go to a nice restaurant, they have a cool avocados or creme brulee. I'm about to get that.

[00:10:14] But it's just once you tell yourself that I should be doing this and she'll be doing that. But I've done that before. I had an eating disorder for eight years. That's impractive health is a thing that we need to do.

[00:10:25] And you know, the medical background, you don't wait until your teeth are rotting out of your head and brush teeth every night to five. Yeah, man. You know, wait until like it's gotten to just do this. Wake up, brush teeth, brush teeth, like glass in between.

[00:10:38] And there you go. Yeah, but most people don't. And that's why I will always be in business. Let's talk about mental health. The new buzzword nowadays is mindfulness. That's the new buzzword. What do you think about mindfulness? I think it's.

[00:10:57] I think it goes back to my favorite books. I wonder if you have to ask me what my favorite book is and how to win friends and close people. And it is just about how to be a good human for society, how to be a polite

[00:11:12] mannered good human. And a lot of that is just being mindfine and thinking about others. And just making sure that they know that they exist. And it was written as 1930s, but it is absolutely as relevant today. It's societal.

[00:11:33] It doesn't matter about smartphones and horse and carriages, whatever they have back then, it's society. It's the way that we work. And I think it's a big thing. I think we need to get our heads out of our own asses in this society where

[00:11:49] it's so easy to think the world evolves around you. Because you open up your phone and it's customized just the way you want it. You open up your banking app and it says, hey, Mr. Nizal, you go to Astro and you have your way.

[00:12:02] Well, Sam, either world does revolve around you. So now it really doesn't. And the sooner that we can learn that and realize that and put that into practice. I think it was a very important thing. So we've got a man over 40 going through a contentious divorce.

[00:12:18] How does he apply mindfulness to the fact that he hates his current soon to be ex-wife guys can eat not by that. I got eaten up by it and I was able to pull out of that because I used

[00:12:32] that energy for that hate and I sped it into something positive. What do you say to those guys out there that are struggling with that hate emotion is so strong? I think. So he's a strong word and it's a word that I really, really don't know.

[00:12:47] We just it's an emotion that takes time and it takes. I am indifferent to people. If somebody crosses me and they do me wrong, you know what? I wish you well. I'm indifferent to you. I'm not going to spend time hating you.

[00:13:01] I'm not going to spend time wishing out on you because I think karma is a real thing. I think it's important to look forward and keep moving forward and just be happy that you learn that. And my parents got divorced after 26 years. It just didn't work out.

[00:13:17] And for that to happen and they just each been moved forward. It was like, OK, OK, like that was for the best. That's what you needed to do. But I think spending time hating, hating his brain power and taking life.

[00:13:31] Does that is being indifferent is truly just OK. Off my mind, like you go your way, I'll go my way. What's happened? Divorced when it comes down to a positive thing because you're leaving a situation because not because it was all each is in cream.

[00:13:48] We were getting along so well and everything was perfect. Things got to a head where it was like, OK, we're done. And OK, would you want to stay in that position where you're such a man that that that place?

[00:14:00] I know from seeing it firsthand, it's hard with division of assets and all that kind of stuff. And there's a lot of a lot of stuff like that that really could cause a lot of those really strong emotions and

[00:14:11] alimony, all that kind of stuff and child custody, all that stuff. But I think the sooner you can move forward and again, start to focus on yourself and to just drop that that energy of hate and just make it indifferent

[00:14:29] and then move forward and look forward to all the things you have. The new people are going to come to your life and you're up 30s and the fact that you have to deal with that. There is more red flags coming. There's that foot. Look forward to that.

[00:14:42] You create it with like a parking structure, parking spaces in your brain are people in your life, positive things in your life. And then the negative people take over parking spaces in your brain. So you need to get rid of those negative parking spaces

[00:14:55] and put positivity in there. Balancing work life. Work life balance. How important is that? Extremely important. Extremely. I would say it's just as important as with regards to health, it's mind, body and spirit. Take care of the whole thing. For years, I took care of my physical health

[00:15:15] and everything on the outside looked great and looked like it was all together. My mind and my spirit were in challenge and behind the curtain, I had the mask on and everything was great. But everything else is falling apart. So same with work life balance.

[00:15:34] I believe that you have to be not too easy on yourself. I think you need to park and get up, let's put our boots on, let's go to work, let's do this. Let's do what we have to do. But again, find that balance for yourself.

[00:15:49] First of all, I'm into the people around you and that looks like a lot of different things for a lot of people. But there has to be balance. My parents have been quite successful and you're obviously very successful towards yourself. I'm treated like you know,

[00:16:02] people who are extremely successful and miserable, whether it's financially successful and they know billionaires and stuff like that. Who are you got a billion dollars in the bank? You must be the happiest guy ever miserable. Most family life, kids hate him, all that kind of stuff.

[00:16:19] That whole side is just because they all it was were 40, 50 years was and worked and everything else got pushed to this size. And great. And I've got a billion dollars in the bank and you're all alone sitting on your pile of money. Let's do in swan die.

[00:16:33] I was a groups McDuck or something. I don't know. It's I think it's a very pretty work by bounce. What about the stigma of men not going for therapy? That's right here. This guy, this is how it was me for. That was me for 15 years.

[00:16:51] That was me becoming alcoholic. That was me having a sort of that was me working on accessibility. That was me using drugs. That was all stuff to do to avoid feeling my feelings. And I was like, I don't have time or money for therapy.

[00:17:08] Time and money for drugs. I was like, I always had time and money for my advice. You know, they did that until I got to a break in point. And I got to 35 and I was like, look, man, like it like said,

[00:17:20] I've I'd never been a sober functioning adult in my life. And I was 35 and I'm like, this is not. I can either graduate the hardwood rugs and keep going or I could finally do something else drastic.

[00:17:33] And that for me was like, OK, I'm going to relent and go to therapy because I thought therapy should win. That's for chicks, man. Guys don't go to therapy. You just I'm not going to sit there and have somebody to judge me

[00:17:44] for the things that I've done and not for me. To me. And now I'm a very big owner of therapy. I think it's not available to everybody if it is available to you by all means, take advantage of it and go and tell somebody vulnerability, power.

[00:17:58] It's not Shane and I carried around for years saying things I would talk about things that I've been through. But there are certain things I wouldn't talk about. And once I started talking about them, like the literal weight lifted off my shoulder.

[00:18:12] And it's great to go to somebody who is non bias educated, third party and can really give you a different effect on you and your life. You talk to your friends. It's great. Talk to your family. It's great. They probably have their own bias because they know you

[00:18:28] because they're a part of the story. I think it's really important that we do took me 15 years to do it. But I don't regret it, right? Because I needed to go through all that stuff. So maybe who I am.

[00:18:39] When did you find that you had that propensity to help people? I so even when I was still in the midst of my addiction and stuff like that, I wanted to start my fitness. Because fitness is very important to me.

[00:18:51] And I'd seen the benefits of fitness and I wanted to share that with others. I want other people to see how much greener the grass is. When you start to take a bit of care of yourself. And then more recently, like doing stuff like this has only been

[00:19:05] within the last 10 months, I would say. And it was because I finally got to a point where I forgave myself. And it was I don't know how it happened. And it's just like, like, I finally was able to talk about some things and I realized that, OK,

[00:19:22] I forget myself for the things that I've done that were bad decisions that have taken me down. Alcoholism, drug addiction, those kinds of things, those things that I chose to do because I was doing my best with the tools that I had at the time.

[00:19:35] I also forget myself as things that happened in my life like my mom passing away and other things that have happened that I didn't ask for it because those are unfortunate parts of it. And I can now just let go of that

[00:19:47] and say I would have loved to hear somebody tell a story when I was going through my stuff and see somebody like myself who's going through the same thing. I was going to make it through. I didn't think anybody else would be able to say stuff.

[00:20:02] I'm just a regular dude trying to learn every day, trying to keep building up and keep growing on. But I also want to help people if they have some of the things they're going through or use it as a do not do this story.

[00:20:15] Don't save yourself a lot of time and hundreds of thousands of dollars. So yeah, I just say it's more recently. I always been helping hand persons, but with more of a purpose and more openly within the last year.

[00:20:30] I wouldn't take back any of the things that I've been through than maybe who I am. And I wouldn't change it. It wouldn't change this way. But I needed to be who I am today. And I didn't like the way I'm today. The close it out.

[00:20:41] You're in a big auditorium. You've got 500 divorced dudes just hanging. Man, they're hurting. And you have an opportunity to bend the air. You have three main points to tell them what are your three main points? First of all, this two shall pass.

[00:20:56] I heard Tom Hanks talking on some kind of actors round tail or something. And there were absolutely like, what was something that you wish that you had known when you were getting said this two shall pass? Whether I just won a Oscar or having worse that whatever.

[00:21:11] All these things is to shop. But what you're feeling right now for better or worse, it will pass. And then just know that whatever you're going through, like I said, good stuff about it's all going to be the need to move forward. Talk to some of them.

[00:21:27] Don't pull back and do the thing that most men do that I did for a long time. And don't pull back on this. Find the bottom of the bottle or do whatever. Don't do that. Talk to some of us. And make your health a priority because that's mental.

[00:21:45] Like so, that's mind, body and spirit. Make your health a priority, even though what you're going through and what you just been through, make it a priority and. Continue to make your priority. Oh, you'll just see the benefits of that and keep moving forward.

[00:22:01] We just know that we spent so much time in the past. We got back to my insight 2020. I would have gone back to drop all my money into Apple and just live in large enough, but we can't do that. And we can't think that way.

[00:22:14] The same thing with the hate thing. It's like just move forward and be thankful that we are moving forward. And we have another day to be forward and every day is a gift. And just keep fighting the good night and just don't get up at yourself.

[00:22:30] There's so many times that I wanted to give up myself. So many times I just like was nothing worth fighting for anymore. And I would just like, but I can't do that. That's why I'm cool to can't. That's just not who I am.

[00:22:41] I had to shake that off and then keep battle for me. Just against myself for myself. It was really like our minds are greatest assets or worst enemy. And I was just at war for years. And it's the most important for me to fight.

[00:22:59] Swipe with a fight for ourselves against ourselves a lot of times. And lead to grace. You go out there and you're nice to people. When you look in the mirror, he just as nice to that person as you are to other people.

[00:23:11] I hope you have a human nearest thing. You're a piece of shit. You're a fake. You're a fraud. You're failing. I wouldn't show myself the same grace or the same or some actually the same manners that I would show. Other people that I had my life.

[00:23:24] I like they just are very important to do this. Well, well. All right, Jonathan, you have not started the park, my man. And you have proven that my advocates are just as important as my professionals. So let the listeners know where to find you.

[00:23:41] All my socials, I use Instagram mostly, but Instagram, TikTok, YouTube can see a lot of past podcasts that I've been on and talk more about my story. That's Jonathan Nizel. My name will be in the show notes. And also my websites and my Facebook page are Jonathan Nizel.

[00:24:01] If this show on the Dan, I bring them. I don't know, over 50 podcasts, talked about stuff and talked about different parts of my story. And like lighthearted some two matters. Hello. Like with the name. Yeah. So I love to connect with people. I love talking to people.

[00:24:15] I love learning from people. I love having these kind of conversations where I can learn things from yourself, but also from your audience. It sends me a message and I'd love to keep you learned because I don't know a thing when I was 18. I knew it all.

[00:24:27] But the older I get, the less I know. But I saw when I was 18, I had it also figured out and or you die. I don't even know what was ready, what was coming. Well, once again, we're going to have Jonathan's information, the show notes

[00:24:40] and they have him holding the line here. But we're going to say good night to everybody. And thanks for listening. Bye bye. That was great.