From a woman’s view - Rachel Peterson / My co-host on Divorce Devil Podcast || Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast #046 || David

[00:00:15] Welcome to the Don't Pick The SCAB Pockets with the premise of connecting man over 40 with the tools and community

[00:00:22] To thrive in their divorce because we either before, during or after a divorce. Check it out

[00:00:29] Welcome everybody out there to Don't Pick The SCAB Pockets episode 46

[00:00:34] We have a special guest for all my man out there. We have a woman up on the mic

[00:00:40] From Divorce Devil Rachel and she's going to give us some tidbits from the women's point of view for your man over 40 going to divorce

[00:00:49] What is going through a typical women's mind when they go through or what should men over 40 avoid doing?

[00:01:00] What are getting divorced?

[00:01:01] That's probably a...

[00:01:03] Oh yeah, there's probably a hell of a hell of a list.

[00:01:05] So what should men avoid doing in your respect from your point of view? What should men avoid doing when they're getting divorced?

[00:01:14] You want to go?

[00:01:15] Do you want me to go?

[00:01:17] Go.

[00:01:18] Go.

[00:01:22] Be gentle.

[00:01:24] Please stop with the unsolicited dick pics. Please stop because we're getting divorced.

[00:01:30] I've had one tour.

[00:01:32] I have no one in his head said hi.

[00:01:35] And you just open up a thing and it's like, oh okay, what do I do with that?

[00:01:39] Should I compare to the 800 other ones?

[00:01:42] I'm trying to help my men heal and you go dick picking.

[00:01:46] You literally said we're going to do some special and put light on.

[00:01:50] That was special.

[00:01:51] That is special.

[00:01:53] So other than stop the unsolicited dick pics, what can men do better going through a divorce?

[00:01:59] What would help a woman of your age in stature?

[00:02:05] 29 plus...

[00:02:06] A lot to stop it.

[00:02:09] What would help a woman of your stature help that a man of 40 could do to help your divorce or your divorce

[00:02:17] jointly together go smoother?

[00:02:21] Let's try with stupid shit.

[00:02:25] Let's go straight through this stupid shit.

[00:02:26] Alright, so now I'm talking like new relationship or with your ex.

[00:02:31] As you're going through a divorce, like we're in the shit.

[00:02:33] What's some of this stuff that you've heard they can do during a divorce?

[00:02:43] That's stupid.

[00:02:45] Serial dating is one.

[00:02:47] We shouldn't cereal date.

[00:02:48] We should see what's out there again, but we're in middle of it.

[00:02:52] Here's my thing.

[00:02:53] So if you're talking about how do you move along with your ex, who's still in the sex or in the middle of your thing?

[00:03:02] Courageal?

[00:03:03] Remember that at one point you love this person.

[00:03:08] Generally we don't walk down the eye on going.

[00:03:10] If I can hate this bitch, I'm done.

[00:03:13] Some of the papers who signed an out that'll find the right to reach.

[00:03:17] For the next slides made.

[00:03:19] I'm like, what?

[00:03:19] We're walking down the eye.

[00:03:20] Yeah, I think there's a song.

[00:03:23] The bridesman said to the green men.

[00:03:26] What a great day for a wedding.

[00:03:28] So we don't normally do that.

[00:03:29] We love this person enough to say, hey, I'm going to buy your ring.

[00:03:32] We're going to do the thing.

[00:03:34] We're going to go to the church.

[00:03:35] We're going to do our thing.

[00:03:37] After it goes wrong, you should still be.

[00:03:40] You should remember the reason you got married enough to be like, hey,

[00:03:45] this person was important to me at some point.

[00:03:47] And anything I do negatively on both sides, women and men,

[00:03:51] it's going to affect the outcome eventually.

[00:03:56] And you may not be friends, but if you can be like you said,

[00:04:00] Courageal or friendly enough to the bit.

[00:04:03] But bit.

[00:04:04] But it's informative, friendly and firm.

[00:04:09] Okay, yes. Well, we like firm.

[00:04:14] We're not talking about that for many more.

[00:04:17] Don't go back.

[00:04:18] Oh, oh, God. Yes. Oh my God. Yes, thank you.

[00:04:21] Please, please, please don't go back.

[00:04:24] To not go back to the whole.

[00:04:30] That's pretty much it.

[00:04:31] Do not go back no matter what.

[00:04:36] It's it's familiar.

[00:04:38] It's free. It's right there.

[00:04:41] Do not bring it because like how much it costs you.

[00:04:44] Do not do not.

[00:04:46] It's like a reset button.

[00:04:47] Do not go back because it's easy sometime and it's there.

[00:04:50] If you don't like it anymore, and you're using it,

[00:04:53] it's absolutely easy because after you get done,

[00:04:57] you're going to hate yourself.

[00:04:59] Yeah. Again, there might be like a less than 1% but if you go back,

[00:05:03] it works out. No, no, 0.004 is at it.

[00:05:06] Okay. Do not. Oh, man, that's a step face rule.

[00:05:09] Do not go back to the whole.

[00:05:11] Do you actually go into a courthouse where the official people and have drawn up papers to no longer be together?

[00:05:17] And you're in the throws of it. Do not go back.

[00:05:21] I mean, especially if you're a lot of people because I had to do live in the same house for a while because it can't afford to get to have.

[00:05:26] That's going to mess up your psyche, man, because because then you're like,

[00:05:29] chanting mix mix six signals.

[00:05:31] It's chanting. Don't do it.

[00:05:33] Don't do it.

[00:05:34] Get yourself a blow up doll.

[00:05:35] You're like, don't go out and see what that is.

[00:05:39] One time I give you permission to see what you don't think.

[00:05:41] Go out, get your thing on figure out which you like whatever.

[00:05:44] Or the PP, the Paka Pussy.

[00:05:48] What are you going to do, man?

[00:05:49] I just need to do, do not go back to the whole.

[00:05:52] I mean, I do it.

[00:05:53] Pour stuff on it to make it like a realistic one and they just kind of figure out what it looks like from those charred doctors.

[00:06:00] Some of them are still a converse.

[00:06:02] Some of them are I hear water based.

[00:06:05] Anyway, let's go with another one before we go there.

[00:06:09] What a podcast. Oh my god.

[00:06:11] This is why I love me.

[00:06:13] Yeah, so no solicific fixed.

[00:06:15] Be kind even when you don't see kindness or even if you don't feel kind.

[00:06:20] Yeah, even if she's not being great or whatever.

[00:06:23] And again, if you have kids, please just keep them out of it.

[00:06:25] Don't use them as pawns. Don't do like, oh my god.

[00:06:28] Both sides.

[00:06:29] I've been mad enough for this.

[00:06:33] They did not ask for this and they feel shitty already.

[00:06:37] Don't go in trying to defeat the person.

[00:06:38] Especially if you're the reason you're getting divorced, like you're the one who cheated or if you're the one that you know is like,

[00:06:43] I'm not happy more there's something in my mind.

[00:06:45] Everybody has something skin of the game.

[00:06:48] So yeah, don't go out for blood. Try try to see the, you know, the rays of sunshine that little eventually be on the ways of sunshine because you know the warm this on your face.

[00:06:58] Yes, you do a little glow. We need vitamin D. We all need a big D. So see you. Yeah, cool.

[00:07:05] Sure, sure.

[00:07:07] Charity brown Halloween. I got a rock.

[00:07:14] Yes, look for that glimmer or the shimmer of just remember that you love this person before and don't be a dick.

[00:07:22] Yeah, well, again, if you're trying to ruin someone and you're the reason for the ruining that's one way to breathe.

[00:07:29] If you're not the reason.

[00:07:30] If you're a funny maker don't she was staying home or if you both make the same thing fair try to look at it is, you know,

[00:07:39] I don't know, maybe you also have to step out of that situation. You'd be like, oh my gosh, my friend in your head, my friends doing this to his ex-wife and look at it and then you can go, oh my god, so I got my son's or an acro.

[00:07:50] That's that she's the gold digger or whatever. So just remember that at some point this human was your everything you took, you know, you did them.

[00:07:59] Again, if kids are involved don't be a dick don't be a dick on both sides again.

[00:08:06] But yeah, you know, that text that approval text or the text the girl that you're in vacation.

[00:08:12] Yeah, communication. Don't because you cannot get a text out of her.

[00:08:17] Yeah, you cannot grab emotions through a text.

[00:08:21] Everything that you write can and will be used.

[00:08:24] And if you can't talk to her man just just write a note or email but keep it brief.

[00:08:30] Yeah, you don't use kids as a go to don't be like, you're dead in this your mom did this your mom didn't keep it amongst yourself.

[00:08:36] I never saw that happen ever.

[00:08:38] And again, if you have seen it, you know that in hindsight you probably would've been like, okay, okay, superkay.

[00:08:44] What about how about the part that were kids or more resilient than they think?

[00:08:50] Well, I think we don't give kids enough credit.

[00:08:55] Again, we know what my son two years in he was pulling care and spots where we would have to have some issues, nothing else to sleep all the things were you know, we're two years in.

[00:09:06] He's happy. He's excited to go back and forth and one day he's we figure out what's happening.

[00:09:11] We took him to the doctors for you know, and dusk a bees and they're like, no he's fine. Something else.

[00:09:17] And we found little rolled up pieces of hair that we thought he might have been eating and there's just an anxiety thing he goes,

[00:09:23] Well, every time I left you'd say I'm going to miss you so much.

[00:09:28] It made me sad that I was leaving you.

[00:09:31] And then dad would do the same thing and say, you know, oh buddy, I'm just a roller coaster.

[00:09:36] And he's just like, I'm making one of my parents side by going to the other person's house. And so there's just these little things that happen and you are living.

[00:09:45] You were trying to get through it. And we think we're doing a great job. And I'm a nurse. I should know all the signals of all this stuff of mental health and all all these things.

[00:09:54] And if I'm not depressed, no one else can be depressed if I'm not anxious, no one else can be anxious. It's my divorce right? Well, no kids kids are resilient.

[00:10:02] I think if you talk to them.

[00:10:04] It's my vacation.

[00:10:06] We have given our kids enough information at their age level, like my daughter was 19 and my son was like, I'd a college, you know.

[00:10:15] And then we had this little, you know, eight-year-old.

[00:10:17] And we talked to him about what we thought he could take because at eight, you know, I'm still like sniffing the paste kind of thing.

[00:10:24] He is very, very smart and very, very entuned with what's going on. He's very adult like he speaks really well. He has, you know,

[00:10:31] he can pick up a conversation with adults because, you know, he has older siblings and, you know, I was older when I had him. And we didn't give him enough credit that he could have been like, you know, hey buddy, yes, I'm going to miss you, but you don't have to be worried about me.

[00:10:43] I'm going to be fine here. I'm going to do my thing and I'll see you in a couple of minutes.

[00:10:46] So what about those guys? What about those guys who want to control what's going on at mom's house?

[00:10:52] Fuck you. Sorry.

[00:10:55] Let's be a little little easier. That I go.

[00:10:57] I say to my kids all the time, I cannot run two households when I barely run one when I exhausted from my day at work.

[00:11:06] So tell those guys, let it go, man. Let it go.

[00:11:09] You can tell yourself with the household you have control of and almost the two like if, you know, as when I got divorced, you know, my ex made a lot of money and I made good money, but he made substantially more money.

[00:11:24] We were in debt. I had no place to live. I lived with my friends, house, my 20, $7 on the bank. I had, you know, a 15 year old car.

[00:11:37] You know, all these things and I wasn't making enough to suffice my life and then fucking co-good hit. Loss my job.

[00:11:45] Just all, you know, all the proceedings with the divorce kept getting postponed because the courts were closed and all the things.

[00:11:50] If I can get through not watching them going still to the fancy restaurants and taking a little day trips, don't COVID, flying home, doing all this stuff when I'm going, I don't know if I have enough money to get to work to make the money that I should show you that they should be resilient.

[00:12:09] Exactly. So if I can get through the jealous, it was jealousy because I was like, how dare he do that and then, you know, posting in and I'm so fine.

[00:12:21] And so I'm like, and then go and home and like, you know, saying that I'm the devil on this, I did leave. I left. I finally left. I got out of the situation.

[00:12:30] And I had all the guilt, so I'm like, I deserve to have $27 on the bank. I left this house. I left this situation. And so a lot of it was me getting into getting the rock bottom, drinking too much, going out too much, all the things.

[00:12:45] And I think what happens is you figure, you find out who you truly are when you rise up out of the ashes and all that proverbial feeling.

[00:12:56] You have to let whatever's happening over there happen. You know, a lot of people will block their person on social media, social media, social media, maybe he's up.

[00:13:07] Yeah, just get off like step off step off for a long time. Take a break. Take a conscious like 30 day break. A lot of times 21 days is that, you know, defining thing like I just need to see who's, you know, having a baby with neighbors kid, you know, the neighbor has been or whatever.

[00:13:23] So you, I think what needs to happen is you need to reconnect with yourself and not worry about what's happening. And again, if the kids like, well, mommy, probably, blah, blah, okay cool.

[00:13:33] And go cry, go be mad, go do something but don't do it in front of anybody. Don't show don't give that to your kids. You know, or I really like dad's new girlfriend.

[00:13:44] Or, you know, we went to the beach or we did this. So okay, cool. Like I may not be able to do all those things for you, but we're here playing board games. You're fed. You got clothes, we're doing school dance, we're doing all this stuff.

[00:13:57] And I'm making my own experience because at some point those fade, you know, all the things fade. But you know, my mom played not play with me for four hours because she ain't got no money, but she cared enough to give me attention.

[00:14:10] Make those everlasting memories. They were talking about one of the girls that talked to a couple of weeks ago he was talking about the jacknub box dad.

[00:14:18] We're like he has to kid the week and he's like, boom, he's all up. And then the kids leave for a week and he's back in or close it up.

[00:14:25] Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and then they come back.

[00:14:27] Pop, yeah. So you got to enjoy yourself even when the kids are gone.

[00:14:31] And again, like I remember we did, we did like my ex is in construction. So a lot of times his jobs were bringing to different states. And so we were doing like the three and a half thing whenever.

[00:14:44] And sometimes it would switch, you know, so some days I had him for five days. I was like, I haven't for five days and so excited, what am I gonna do every day?

[00:14:51] I need to go do do do do do do do do do do. And especially when I started making my money back, like, you know, having a real job.

[00:14:57] I'm just like, oh, we're going to go the movies. We're going to do this. We're going to do that. We're going to do that. Well, then dad's like, oh, that's going to Disney or all the money.

[00:15:02] My mother.

[00:15:03] Oh, they're like, oh, they're like, oh, you have to let it go.

[00:15:06] You do. And I think, you know, my kid, especially my daughter, she's 23 now.

[00:15:13] I guess dad confines in her a lot. You know, he's had a couple girlfriends in the time that we've been to get being apart.

[00:15:21] And you know, long, like a longer than a year of relationships and stuff. And she would be like, dad's not happy or dad's this or dad's that or dad has no money.

[00:15:29] Dad spent this much money. Dad said this, students are coming and I'm we're both equally responsible for stuff because you know, if I can do support it. I can, right?

[00:15:38] And she'll come to you and say, I have to stop her a lot of time. Like, okay, well, you can talk to me, but I'm not going to give you a solution unless you ask me for something about you and how to deal with it.

[00:15:48] I can't fix your dad's stuff. I can't do other households. I can't make you feel better. The only person that can make you feel better about it is your dad.

[00:15:57] Make sure they know that it's too separate households. Yeah, and so you know, they'll come to me like, oh, this happened. That happened though. I'm like, okay.

[00:16:07] So what are you feeling? What are you like, my youngest would come home and just cry and like, let's be with all that because they worked. And so a lot of times she was home by herself after school or something like these, I'm like, you can come over after school if I'm home. Like, you don't have to be home alone.

[00:16:22] And he goes, I can. And that changed his thing. He would come home and just be mean to me like, just be so mean. I'm like, why are you being mean to me? He's like, because I'm not allowed to do anything over there. I'm like, well, you're not allowed to talk to me like that here.

[00:16:35] So boundaries.

[00:16:36] And then rules there.

[00:16:37] Boundaries, rules, boundaries.

[00:16:39] Yeah.

[00:16:39] And either the boundaries are different. You got to stay set on your boundaries.

[00:16:43] Well, a lot of times the kids are very smart and they'll play you like if something was taken away at one house.

[00:16:50] And my ex is like, well, he lost the enough for talk about. I'm like, okay, well, you lost it here too. Well, why? This isn't your dad's house or vice versa. And I've heard this a lot of other people too.

[00:17:02] You need to be united and not enough to be like, hey, I took it away because he was being disrespectful, you know,

[00:17:08] No matter if you hate each other.

[00:17:09] Not doing homework, all stuff. This is not too separate life. This is his one life when we just happen to have it half the time.

[00:17:16] So definitely definitely support the other person's branding.

[00:17:21] They'll be like, oh, you can play Xbox and I'm at my son.

[00:17:23] I'm like, can I come to your house because I'm got in trouble because I yelled and blah blah blah.

[00:17:27] And he goes down and I'm new playing Xbox and I'm like, what the hell?

[00:17:30] He was being an egos. Oh yeah, he was being rude here too.

[00:17:32] And I'm like, okay, cool off.

[00:17:34] But you know, I think you need to be united in that.

[00:17:37] And enough to be like, we're smart people.

[00:17:41] What we've gone to this far in life. You've figured out life situation. I'm sure you've had a job.

[00:17:47] You've had people you can't get along with the work. You've had people that run into that or rude or whatever.

[00:17:53] Either let it go figure out a way to, you know, cool, great, because story.

[00:17:58] Keep it moving. Get it. Get yourself together. And guys and girls, we need to remember that.

[00:18:03] This is one life and the more time that you keep trying to make it aggressive or anger your shitty is affecting you.

[00:18:10] It's affecting you and your outcome. The more anger you have the longer you have it, the less time you can be happy.

[00:18:17] Well, we want to thank Rachel for that.

[00:18:20] No, I was supposed to dig to that.

[00:18:21] Yeah, I was supposed to dig fixed.

[00:18:22] That was first time. That was first time.

[00:18:25] Then that's fine.

[00:18:25] Yeah, that's okay, but don't give it.

[00:18:27] But that's like later in your first movie.

[00:18:30] You're not like, hey, you're a hateful.

[00:18:33] I'm like, okay, I have now a collage. And I'm comparing it go.

[00:18:36] Yeah. He definitely just got out of the cold tub.

[00:18:38] Sure, terrible neck and wet. Stroke sweaters.

[00:18:41] Yeah. Girls, we're making fun of everybody.

[00:18:42] Alright, everybody. You want to thank you for listening. That was, that was off the cuff.

[00:18:46] Man, that was awesome.

[00:18:47] Yeah, you're like, oh, hold on. Let's try it off.

[00:18:49] Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. I was like, man, we're actually going with this.

[00:18:52] But he can get up to the room with this.

[00:18:53] Yeah. Alright, everybody. Have a nice night. Love you, bye.