Physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally stronger coparenting - Tim McCarthy, M.Ed. || DPTSP #025

[00:00:00] Welcome to the DONT PICVile SCAB PODCAST with the premise of connecting men for over 40 with

[00:00:19] their tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after

[00:00:25] divorce. Welcome Barbara out there to DONT PICVile SCAB PODCAST, Episode 25, this is David and I have Tim McCarthy. On the

[00:00:34] mic with me, he lives in Florida, possessing rich expertise in both education and martial arts training, Tim McCarthy has leveraged his

[00:00:42] background to create a straightforward framework for nurturing children's growth. Tim Holes, a master's degree in education and the elite

[00:00:50] is distinction of brand master in the martial arts by synthesizing insights, garner over the many years as instructor and

[00:00:57] administrator across public and private school settings with extensive experience developing martial arts

[00:01:03] curricula, Tim is formulated and accessible plans supporting children's development. So let's welcome Tim to the show and

[00:01:13] Let's ask Tim first to us a little bit about yourself and how you became a martial artist. And how did you become a kids specialist?

[00:01:21] Well, two big questions. You became a martial artist kind of backwards in college. They were offering the classes and

[00:01:32] this is back in the anti Vietnam War era. And so I started developing some power and the technique and I said my God, I could

[00:01:42] I heard somebody I don't want to do that. I almost got drafted into the war. I was going to go as a pacifist. And so I quit the martial arts,

[00:01:52] and then got into a little more yoga and studies of foreign religions and started to realize the way of nature is not so

[00:02:03] passive. And sometimes you need to respond to force with force. So I got back into the martial arts, not so much as a fighter because

[00:02:15] there's two parts of the martial arts. There's a martial and the art. And to me the art was always more attractive. And so the discipline of developing, of striving for that

[00:02:25] perfect technique. That's what motivated me through the years. It's never much of a tournament fighter just just not my way. But forms competition. Yes. And so I eventually became a teacher teaching everybody from 80 year olds to three year olds. And in addition to having been a teacher in the school system.

[00:02:52] And second part of the question, interested in children, part of what we did in the martial arts is if you're in the U.S. You've seen the after school martial art program signs with a summer camp martial art program signs. We were instrumental in promoting that making it popular. We didn't invent it, but my grandmaster and I worked with one of the guys who basically founded the program and we popularized you throughout the country.

[00:03:22] One of the things you learn is if you have a summer camp, you don't do martial arts 10 to 12 hours a day. You can't do that. So you've got to have other activities for the kids. And part of my development in the martial arts was learning that there are four aspects or four dimensions to human beings, the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. And so I believe that many of the problems we face as a society today come from

[00:03:51] a lack of accounting for some of those dimensions when we're raising children. So I incorporated them into the martial art program. When I retired, I said this is great stuff. How can I get it out to the average parent?

[00:04:06] And so I wrote a book to make it available and affordable for everyone.

[00:04:13] How can a person incorporate martial arts principles like this within respect focus have wider benefits for a child's overall development?

[00:04:25] Well, it is a tremendous program for kids. If you're especially a single mom, and you feel like you need the father image for your kids, bring them to a martial arts school.

[00:04:42] And there are all kinds of martial arts schools for those that charge $100, a hundredths of dollars a month to probably the YMCA or local place where you can do it for who knows $20 a month.

[00:04:55] And it's really a tremendous if you can get into the classes because we literally teach physically the kids get exercise and especially if they're in school all day sitting at a desk, they need to move.

[00:05:10] They're just, they're going nuts mentally. Of course, school helps with that. But in the martial arts, there's also a curriculum where they're trying to develop that.

[00:05:21] Emotionally tremendous for confidence. Children really need a way or a reason to develop confidence martial arts doesn't is a great program for that.

[00:05:31] And spiritually, if a martial arts doesn't focus on a religion, any one religion at least most people don't. But they teach morality. It's important to know how to punch somebody, but it's much more important to know when to punch somebody or when not to punch somebody.

[00:05:50] Now, as a parent, all those same principles apply. The physical your child needs exercise and if it's writing a bike, if it's swimming, if it's writing a sled climbing on monkey bars, many, many activities you can do just playing catch in the yard, especially with fathers.

[00:06:08] And before, as follows, you've got time with your kid, spend some athletic outdoor physical time. They may not be getting that time with their mother mentally, again, the school system takes care of most of that, but you've got homework time.

[00:06:22] And to me, the most important thing in homework time is not showing them what the answer is, giving them the answer, but showing them how to find the answer so that they learn how to problem solve.

[00:06:35] Emotionally, unfortunately, fathers do not do a great job of emotionally advancing their kids. My generation, my father was the strong silent type.

[00:06:49] Don't cry. That was my role model.

[00:06:54] And go if you can learn to be a more emotionally, not only supportive, but teaching your son, teaching your daughter.

[00:07:04] How to deal with emotions, how to make friends, how to deal with things that happen when they don't go right.

[00:07:11] And I mean, in a divorce, a lot of things don't go the way the kid wants them to go. How do you deal with it?

[00:07:17] And of course, spiritually, depending on your religion and your beliefs. If you're not spiritual at all, certainly you have to impart that morality to the kids as to what's right and what's wrong, what could you do and what not to do.

[00:07:33] That's a quick summary for you. Oh, no, that was, that was awesome. So let's shift gears a little bit.

[00:07:38] Yeah, I think we're living more and more in a two dimensional world. Two dimensional world is the world of screens. If you remember your basic geometry, there's length and width.

[00:07:57] It's a TV screen, your computer screen, your laptop, your phone is all two dimensional. I want to get kids out of that two dimensional world and back into the real world which has four dimensions, length, width, depth, which is what's behind the screen or in front of it.

[00:08:16] And according to H.G. Wells, the fourth dimension is time. If something doesn't exist for any length of time, we don't perceive it. It doesn't affect us. So duration, length, width, depth, and duration.

[00:08:30] But I run the parallel to that into the four dimensions of being physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. So I want to get kids off the screen into the real world, but also develop them physically, mentally, emotional, and spiritually at each age group and each age has different needs.

[00:08:53] have to reach them at their own level.

[00:08:55] - Wow, what conflict resolution strategies

[00:08:59] align with martial arts principles can help families

[00:09:03] communicate more respectfully?

[00:09:06] 'Cause that's one thing that we're lacking in, I think.

[00:09:08] - Yeah, one of the things we do in good martial arts schools

[00:09:13] is teach bully prevention or bully management.

[00:09:17] And one of the basic principles of that

[00:09:20] is very aikido style, absorb, and redirect.

[00:09:25] And so on, someone attacks you.

[00:09:29] You can meet them with force, and hopefully your force

[00:09:32] is greater than their force, but that's a fight.

[00:09:35] Why not dance instead?

[00:09:38] Why not lose the score of the attack?

[00:09:40] Why not move with it except it,

[00:09:43] and then redirect it in a better direction.

[00:09:46] And so one very simple bully self defense

[00:09:51] mygrem master teaches is thank you.

[00:09:54] - You are that dark.

[00:09:57] - Well, thank you for realizing that I'm actually...

[00:10:00] I'm trying to work on that.

[00:10:02] I'm trying to do a little better.

[00:10:05] And there's no fighting, it's the first thing is thank you,

[00:10:08] and now a lot, and there are ways to do that.

[00:10:11] Humor is one of the best ways.

[00:10:13] Thank you for saying, I'm fat.

[00:10:15] My mother says I'm so fat, I should have my own zip code.

[00:10:19] So you absorb and redirect.

[00:10:21] Somewhere along the line, you ask a question,

[00:10:24] if you can, why do you want to accept me

[00:10:27] or why are you angry at me or why you hurt me,

[00:10:29] or better yet, make an offer.

[00:10:32] You seem really upset, which you like to talk about

[00:10:37] something, is something bothering at home.

[00:10:39] Could we be friends?

[00:10:40] And so that's bully management,

[00:10:44] but it works on the playground, it works in a family,

[00:10:47] it works in the office when you've got a bully boss.

[00:10:51] You take the violent attack,

[00:10:55] don't get upset about it,

[00:10:57] because it's probably more about them than about you,

[00:11:01] and that kind of understanding, that's the mental part,

[00:11:04] but the emotional part where you don't get into

[00:11:07] that limbic brain the paranoid that wants

[00:11:10] to just bite your head off.

[00:11:13] They say, count to 10 when you're angry, why?

[00:11:16] It takes you out of the reptile brain,

[00:11:17] gets you up into the prefrontal cortex,

[00:11:19] the logical part you brain,

[00:11:21] so you can think of a logical response,

[00:11:24] instead of an emotional response.

[00:11:27] But better yet, if you can come up

[00:11:29] with a spiritual response, understanding, love,

[00:11:34] that, of course, is much better.

[00:11:37] Funny story from a martial artist,

[00:11:39] he had been practicing IKeto,

[00:11:41] which is the art of absorbing and redirecting.

[00:11:44] There's very little punching in it,

[00:11:47] and so he had been practicing and practicing,

[00:11:48] he's riding a bus,

[00:11:50] and this guy is very aggressive,

[00:11:51] and he's bothering everybody on the bus and he's saying,

[00:11:54] "Well boy I'm going to get to use my IKeto skills,

[00:11:58] "and this old man just talks to the man."

[00:12:01] And he says, "What's the matter about that?"

[00:12:04] He talks to him for about five minutes,

[00:12:06] the guy ends up putting his head

[00:12:07] and the old man's lap and crying.

[00:12:11] And he says, "Okay, that is true, IKeto, observe."

[00:12:16] Yeah, and so, the physical technique, to me,

[00:12:21] yeah, I mean, if you're in a bad situation,

[00:12:23] you have to use it, but it teaches you

[00:12:27] to avoid, absorb, redirect,

[00:12:30] it teaches you not to be,

[00:12:32] to not to respond physically with physical violence.

[00:12:36] - So what are some of the signs that parents

[00:12:37] can look out for when their kids being bullied?

[00:12:40] 'Cause that was really big nowadays.

[00:12:42] - Yeah, and one of the first, well, the pressure,

[00:12:46] they don't want to talk about it,

[00:12:48] they don't want to go to school,

[00:12:49] and we've had kids in the martial arts classes,

[00:12:53] literally say if they didn't want to go to school,

[00:12:55] 'cause they were being bullied.

[00:12:57] And again, how do you handle that?

[00:13:01] And you handle a verbal assault with a verbal response.

[00:13:06] You don't have to get physical.

[00:13:09] But, okay, so back to the signs.

[00:13:11] Any kind of depression, not wanting to go to school,

[00:13:16] sometimes the depression, it's an online bullying.

[00:13:21] And people are saying things or posting things about you.

[00:13:26] And newsflash, that's not the real world.

[00:13:30] But the kids don't realize that.

[00:13:32] And so you've got to help them understand

[00:13:35] that Facebook or Snapchat,

[00:13:38] or wherever they're on nowadays,

[00:13:40] is just a false world.

[00:13:43] It's somebody, the highlight real of somebody's life.

[00:13:46] It shows the beautiful vacation they went on.

[00:13:49] It doesn't show the fight they got in with their brother

[00:13:51] or the testing panel.

[00:13:53] So, when you, you can't compare yourself

[00:13:57] to other people online and expect to come out of the winter,

[00:14:00] 'cause you don't see any of their flaws.

[00:14:02] In the martial arts, we teach everybody has strong points,

[00:14:06] everybody has weak points.

[00:14:08] You're a big guy, if I punch you in the shoulder,

[00:14:10] you gotta big shoulders.

[00:14:11] That's not gonna do much damage.

[00:14:13] I punch you in the throat.

[00:14:15] You've got no muscles there.

[00:14:16] (laughing)

[00:14:17] So that's simple self-defense.

[00:14:20] Strong point, I guess, weak point,

[00:14:22] but everybody has strong points and weak points.

[00:14:24] So, don't compare yourself to others online

[00:14:28] when they only show their strong points.

[00:14:31] If I can get off on attention here, what are my-

[00:14:33] - No, that's fine, go ahead.

[00:14:35] - One of my pet things for teenagers.

[00:14:37] I call Frankenstein Envy.

[00:14:40] Frankenstein Monster was,

[00:14:42] supposedly the best parts of everybody assembled

[00:14:45] into this one superhuman and it became a monster.

[00:14:50] And what happened, especially in young girls,

[00:14:53] where they say, "Oh, Mary has such beautiful hair

[00:14:56] "and Kenisha has such beautiful skin."

[00:14:58] And Lee is so rich, has a wonderful car.

[00:15:01] I'm just nobody.

[00:15:03] Well, sure, if you wanna compare your worst,

[00:15:07] that's not much of a good comparison.

[00:15:09] Frankenstein, you assemble everything into this monster,

[00:15:14] you can't compete, you gotta realize that,

[00:15:16] okay, Kenisha may have great skin,

[00:15:18] but her hair probably isn't as good as yours.

[00:15:21] Is she as good a person as you?

[00:15:23] Is she as good a friend as you?

[00:15:26] Is she honest?

[00:15:27] The sort of things that you don't see on Facebook.

[00:15:31] And so, that's one of the problems to me,

[00:15:35] to me the answer, especially for teens,

[00:15:39] is, when you see somebody who has more,

[00:15:42] or who is better at, do you let it motivate you,

[00:15:47] or do you let it depress you?

[00:15:49] Are you motivated or are you envious?

[00:15:52] Oh, man, she's got beautiful hair.

[00:15:55] How could my hair be that better?

[00:15:58] It could a very better shampoo.

[00:15:59] Could I comb it?

[00:16:00] Is there a better haircut?

[00:16:02] How can I make myself better like that person?

[00:16:05] How can they motivate me to be better myself?

[00:16:09] Rather than, oh, she has a beautiful hair I need her,

[00:16:12] I'm gonna say, have a chat, I'm gonna tell her,

[00:16:15] friends were admit she is and you can be motivated,

[00:16:18] or you can be jealous.

[00:16:19] Motivation leads to self improvement,

[00:16:22] jealousy leads to depression.

[00:16:24] Let's talk about self care, what a sick way, perfect.

[00:16:29] As an educator or as a instructor, how do you impart

[00:16:33] the image of self care to your students?

[00:16:36] You lead by example, of course.

[00:16:39] And so, my Grand Master was tough about this.

[00:16:43] He's like instructors don't have facial hair.

[00:16:46] Structures don't have long hair, okay?

[00:16:48] Because, as the parents come to school for a role model,

[00:16:53] so you basically, in our system,

[00:16:56] wanted to provide a role model

[00:16:57] that the parents wanted their kids to be like.

[00:17:00] And so, yeah, there are great fighters with tattoos,

[00:17:03] there are great fighters with dreadlocks,

[00:17:06] and everybody has a different image,

[00:17:09] but that was the image we chose.

[00:17:12] Now, kids understand movies.

[00:17:14] And so, if you wanna be somebody who are you aiming to be,

[00:17:19] what would you do to prepare for that role?

[00:17:23] What would your wardrobe be for that character?

[00:17:27] What would your look be?

[00:17:29] How would you carry yourself?

[00:17:31] What sort of things would you say?

[00:17:33] What sort of things would you talk about

[00:17:34] if you wanted to be that hero?

[00:17:37] And so, you model that.

[00:17:40] You try to live up to your own heroes,

[00:17:41] you try to set a good example,

[00:17:43] but then you also talk to the kid

[00:17:46] way they understand, well, dress, when you dress like this, what do you look like? That may

[00:17:52] be great if you're putting on a rock concert. That's the kind of thing in my day, Madonna,

[00:17:58] would wear a monsher who dresses like that now. But it's not appropriate for junior high

[00:18:04] school. And so you have to get the idea of appropriate. And I don't have this problem. We

[00:18:11] added to the workplace, where I walked into school. And when an instructor said, look

[00:18:16] at her hair. You think that's a good hairstyle? And I looked at her, it's a very attractive hairstyle

[00:18:22] of your going clubbing. But if you want to project the image of a safe place for your

[00:18:28] parents, no, I don't think that's a good hairstyle.

[00:18:30] >> Who would be your movie guy?

[00:18:32] >> Hi, movie guy, oh my gosh, that's tough. I used to have a wall of my, when I was single,

[00:18:43] I put on my bed of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was the bodybuilder.

[00:18:46] >> Arnold, yeah.

[00:18:48] >> And he actually bought him down, who is the marshal artist, famous runners because I was

[00:18:54] a runner also. And I mean, very important, in my opinion, to look at some of the saints,

[00:19:02] as well. And my religion poverty appeal was a wonderful saint. And so that, to me, is

[00:19:09] an important hero to have is some kind of moral or spiritual hero as well as the physical

[00:19:17] guys. And Mr. Spock was up there. Very logical. I wanted to incorporate all those things

[00:19:25] into me. >> My was Mr. T.

[00:19:34] >> You know the haircut, the chains, you know, he beat Rocky, you know, come on, you can't

[00:19:40] go wrong, and you hate it to fly.

[00:19:42] >> Oh I digress.

[00:19:48] >> What kind of activities would you support or do you think is good, other than marshal

[00:19:53] arts, to support different learning styles, you know, kids all have different learning styles.

[00:20:00] What kind of activities?

[00:20:01] >> Yeah, and I say there's three basic learning styles, the auditory and tactile. So, you

[00:20:09] can't, and especially martial arts with this, you show the technique. Somebody looks at

[00:20:14] it, okay, they get it. You have mirrors in the school, they can watch themselves do it.

[00:20:18] That's for a visual learner. Somebody reads.

[00:20:22] >> I was a very visual learner. My father did the birds of the bees talk this way. Here read

[00:20:29] this book. Tell me if you have any questions. That was it. That was my sex education.

[00:20:34] I auditory learners. Some people learn by hearing. And so not only do you show them something,

[00:20:41] you explain it to them how to do it. So they hear it. And others have to physically

[00:20:48] feel it. And we would take the kids leg and move it this way. That's how it feels to do

[00:20:54] this technique. Or just the L. How does that feel? And that's that confidence. So back to

[00:21:02] parenting, since you're not doing that. Any activity, you have to be aware that the child

[00:21:07] may be learning how to ride the bike. Okay, they see you ride the bike. While you're

[00:21:12] pushing them on the bike, here's what to do. No, no, no, no, no, grab the wheels off

[00:21:15] it relax the wheel steer itself. All right. Now you feel that. You feel that? I'm going

[00:21:21] to let go. Okay. The simple something simple is riding the bike. You take and you learn

[00:21:28] which way your kid does it best. More people are visual. It's bizarre that that's the

[00:21:33] way. But not everybody. And so you learn your child's style. And then you present things

[00:21:40] more often that way. But not totally that way because you've got to develop the other

[00:21:45] style as well. Well, I think I have you beat my dad, told me the birds and bees, I was

[00:21:52] getting ready to go to college. And you get down stairs and he grabbed a condom to

[00:22:00] pick the condom out of the wrapper and grabbed a mop and roll the condom down the top

[00:22:08] of the mop. And he goes, any questions? I go, no, sir. So I can get their cottage and

[00:22:15] every time I pass by a mop closet, I got so excited.

[00:22:19] So that was mine. Oh my gosh. Yeah. That's. Oh, yeah. Let's bounce a little bit into

[00:22:31] the co-parenting face. Have you ever dealt with, you know, like a kid in karate that

[00:22:38] was being co-parented or anything like that? Unfortunately, you have to do that. We would

[00:22:46] have permission slips as to which parent was allowed to pick up the child.

[00:22:51] So against the courts. And so, you know, of course, some parents co-parent well. One parent

[00:22:59] drops them off. The other one picks them up when they come. And they both come to testing.

[00:23:03] And sometimes they even sit together to watch the belt test. And other times you've

[00:23:08] got this war going on and the kids stuck in the middle of it. And you did best. You can

[00:23:13] to shelter the kid at least while he's with you from all of that. And give him a safe

[00:23:19] place where he doesn't have to be part of that.

[00:23:24] Can you share a favorite inspirational story highlighting your martial arts teachings,

[00:23:29] positively impacting the child beyond the physical skills?

[00:23:34] There's one story of doing a test. And again, we used to teach anti-bullying techniques.

[00:23:40] And one of the things I taught the kids, if you have to physically defend yourself. Instead

[00:23:46] of punching somebody in the face, a good kick to the shin. I'm sorry. A good kick to

[00:23:53] the thigh. That's a very meaty area. And it hurts. And so, lack. And that kind of takes

[00:24:01] their balance and strength away. And then you can probably walk away. So, if you try

[00:24:07] it everything, and it looks like you're going to get hit, you can do that. And so, one

[00:24:12] kid told me he actually did that. And it worked. And so, in the next belt test, I brought

[00:24:20] it up to him. And I said, do you really think that was the best way to handle the situation?

[00:24:25] And if you say, well, first of all, I can't believe I told you that. But second of all,

[00:24:31] in the whole life, I realized now that I could have handled it much better. So, again,

[00:24:38] the range, sometimes physical is the only answer. Sometimes people are just going crazy.

[00:24:47] You've got to metaphorically hit them over the head to get them to slow down. And you

[00:24:51] say something or you do something shocking. And now they can gather it and hear what you're

[00:24:57] saying. And so, it doesn't have to be a slap in a face. It could be something you say.

[00:25:02] But sometimes you have to get their attention.

[00:25:05] Yeah. All right, sir. Well, Tim, I want to thank you for it. This was fun. And a little bit

[00:25:13] of sidebar every now and then. But, hey, Mr. T. Still, I mean, I want to thank you for

[00:25:18] taking time to talk to us about that and tell us about how they can find you about your

[00:25:23] book and your website. Sure. Raised the book is called Raising Four Dimensional Children

[00:25:32] in a Two Dimensional World. So, if you go to Amazon, Raising Four Dimensional, that should

[00:25:37] be fine. If you go to my website, it's for D, as I mentioned, for D dash to D dot com. If

[00:25:47] you forget the dash, you end up in China somewhere for D dash to D dot com. You can get

[00:25:53] the book there, paperback, you can download it today, immediately for under five bucks. If

[00:26:02] you're having financial trouble, and you only have one child that you were about, you

[00:26:07] can download the chapter for that child for under a dollar.

[00:26:11] Yeah, Rich, I'm looking to help you raise your child better. Raising Four Dimensional

[00:26:17] Child for a better future for us all. Well, we'll have all those connections at the

[00:26:23] bottom of the show notes, and thanks again to him for your insights and karate and everything

[00:26:29] else, but we'll talk to you soon. Take care. Thank you. Bye-bye.

[00:26:33] [Music]

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