High Value Man - Taking the Higher Ground / Jonnie Jensen || Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast #038 || David M. Webb

[00:00:15] Welcome to the DONT PICK THE SCAB podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community

[00:00:23] To thrive in their divorce recovery either before during or after a divorce

[00:00:28] Check it out. Welcome everybody out there to DONT PICK THE SCAB podcast episode 37

[00:00:34] Providing divorcing or divorce men with some of the best media to start or continue your recovery process

[00:00:40] Welcome Johnny Jensen to the show

[00:00:44] He is a performance coach and creator of High Value Men

[00:00:49] I definitely want to explore that a little bit through his experiences of massive successes and painful losses

[00:00:55] He has able to struggle and rebuild

[00:00:59] So what is the concept of High Value Men?

[00:01:04] Thank you first for having me on the show David real pleasure

[00:01:06] I created a High Value Man after my own experiences going through the divorce and

[00:01:13] You know as I piece myself back together

[00:01:17] I realized

[00:01:19] How much I'd given up during my marriage how much I stopped looking after myself I put everything on

[00:01:26] looking after the kids growing the business looking after my wife and

[00:01:31] The experience of that

[00:01:33] Left me very worn out in fact burnt out

[00:01:36] You know and I was searching and let me tell you all the day you're searching Google for am I burnt out?

[00:01:41] The answer is yes

[00:01:44] And

[00:01:45] and yeah, so my marriage ended after a series of experiences one of which was my brother taking his life and

[00:01:53] What I realized as I was piecing myself back together was how much I'd given up of myself

[00:01:59] and so a high value man is someone who's

[00:02:02] Connected with who he is and what he wants. He knows where he's headed. He knows what his values are

[00:02:08] He knows what he wants from his relationship, he knows what kind of a dad he wants to be he's committed to finding work

[00:02:16] No, or it's got a purpose that's bigger than him just getting up every morning and when a man

[00:02:23] Consistently lives by those values

[00:02:26] Life is going to work out. You know there is

[00:02:31] Always ups and downs but a man consistently working towards that intent, you know, they say fulfillment is

[00:02:39] having a clear objective like knowing where you're headed and

[00:02:43] Knowing that you're actively going after that that is the definition of fulfillment

[00:02:48] I heard and it's just never ever forgetting that mm-hmm forgotten that and so really when men talk to me about like

[00:02:55] Why am I wise wise everything going wrong?

[00:02:57] How am I gonna rebuild myself after divorce or why why why why am I just not having any joy in life?

[00:03:03] right the classic question is

[00:03:06] This is this as good as it gets no

[00:03:08] And I mean we just go to we look at those things

[00:03:10] Well, are you know are you living true to yourself and when we find out we're not or they're not

[00:03:16] That's when we go back to okay

[00:03:18] These are the habits and routines these are the attitudes and approach to life. This is being a high value man

[00:03:25] So how do men reignite their masculinity?

[00:03:31] Energy, yeah

[00:03:33] And this is thankfully an increasingly popular topic, okay now it's been a bit hijacked by some people and

[00:03:40] And that's okay right to a larger degree

[00:03:44] We need the conversation to be open

[00:03:47] But what the average man has done so, you know to lose his masculinity is stop being his true self

[00:03:55] Right. So what he does to regain that masculinity is actually start to

[00:04:01] I'm gonna kind of repeat myself here, but he's clear on his goals. He knows who he is in his relationship

[00:04:06] He steps up. So yeah, he's helping out but he's not the nice guy

[00:04:12] he's not always pandering to his wife and trying to do what she needs to do and being a beck and call and and

[00:04:17] Quite frankly losing the passion in the in the in the home as well

[00:04:21] And so he has to step up. He has to be physically strong

[00:04:26] I don't mean Arnold Schwarzenegger strong, but he has to be capable, you know, okay can't does he look

[00:04:32] Good. Now, does he feel confident naked?

[00:04:35] You know just this is he able to to run after his kids or even his grandkids depending on how old we are

[00:04:41] You know, like there's a degree of masculinity that comes from our identity

[00:04:45] There's another degree of masculinity that comes from our values

[00:04:48] Another degree of masculinity that comes from being strong and confident in our relationship

[00:04:53] And I tell you another really important one is our social network our friends and connections and

[00:05:00] And many men inside of a long-term relationship will place

[00:05:06] all their

[00:05:09] Their their emotional their their professional their physical connections all become focused on one person

[00:05:14] Yeah, their wife right now. That's not healthy for a relationship if you're divorced and that person suddenly been taken away

[00:05:22] Then you really realize how much how much you'd put you know, you put onto that one person

[00:05:27] So your social connections and I don't just mean getting drunk at the pub the bar every you know, every other night

[00:05:33] I'm talking about people that you're growing with people that you're out there doing stuff with

[00:05:39] You know, the church is a is a great one in a traditional sense

[00:05:43] But not everybody has that kind of faith foundation right now, but going out there and finding that circle

[00:05:48] Reconnecting with old friends, you know fixing relationships with your family like being and I'll tell you what one extension of that is

[00:05:56] Being the kind of man that is willing to get into a conversation

[00:06:01] You know that voice in our head will run wild. Oh, I'm not good. No, I haven't got enough money

[00:06:06] Oh, he thinks I'm boring. Oh, I'm a bit overweight. Oh, I'm this. Oh, I'm that like we have to push through that

[00:06:13] Like we have to push through that and say do you know what I can talk about this in a minute about that winner's mindset

[00:06:19] But we have to be

[00:06:22] Oh, this is weird. Oh, I know why it's because I haven't done it for so long. Okay, that's fine

[00:06:27] We're gonna push on and you just have the conversation you lean into it

[00:06:32] So is that part of the inner power that men have inside?

[00:06:37] Or is that different?

[00:06:39] You know what I

[00:06:41] That's a great question, by the way

[00:06:43] We all have an inner power

[00:06:46] But there's a there's a

[00:06:50] A busyness in life right now even the way that we get educated we can go off on some deep tangents

[00:06:55] Right, but it's that inner power is not something that is promoted to men

[00:07:02] Right now i've spent a lot of time

[00:07:05] In church right and so there's a there's a great conversation there about faith and strength of our religion, but actually

[00:07:14] quite a lot of

[00:07:15] The the conversation there can actually be about giving that over to somebody else giving it over to god or jesus

[00:07:21] Right. Yeah, I don't want to go down that tangent, but

[00:07:24] If you actually for me

[00:07:27] When you talk about that inner power all men have it

[00:07:31] When we're really grounded when we're willing to have a voice when we're leading our family then

[00:07:39] Then that inner power comes out

[00:07:40] But we have to go back to all the things i've just mentioned about what you need to do

[00:07:44] To be able to live that and then that that that conditioning that oh my gosh. Am I good enough?

[00:07:48] Oh my gosh, what if I fail? Oh my gosh, what are people going to think of me in a way?

[00:07:52] That's all been conditioned apart what we're in society as well

[00:07:56] And so

[00:07:57] Oh my gosh and schools nowadays where they you know, not promoted. I don't know what it's like in the u.s

[00:08:02] But you know, there's too much emphasis on everybody gets a go, you know

[00:08:07] Heck yeah, everybody gets a treat everybody gets a medal. Oh, yeah

[00:08:13] So, uh, you know

[00:08:15] There's you know

[00:08:16] In terms of if i'll approach that question as well just to wrap that one off in terms of that inner power

[00:08:21] Men have to go out there and find it and the information is out there

[00:08:24] There's there is books on masculinity that help no more. Mr. Nice guy is becoming kind of the

[00:08:30] The the foundational piece of men discovering who they are, but without getting too far into

[00:08:37] They call it blue pill territory, but you know, um, tom, uh rollo tomasi

[00:08:41] He's he's got a good book. There's some good faith-based books on us mentioning faith a lot here

[00:08:47] It's not really my my my stick but um

[00:08:51] Um

[00:08:52] Even um books on habits, you know james clear's books. Um, um

[00:09:00] Uh obviously atomic habits but charles dungy's power of habits darren hardy's

[00:09:06] um

[00:09:07] Compound effect, you know, these are all about what it takes to step up as a man

[00:09:13] And even about personal development, you know i've done in my coaching training a lot of the stuff

[00:09:17] I paid for invested in wasn't coaching

[00:09:19] You know per se it was landmark education it was going and learning about fire walking it was i've stretched myself

[00:09:27] To see what's to see what's out there to see what i'm capable of going rock climbing now entering a marathon

[00:09:34] like there's

[00:09:36] Opportunities for us as men to step beyond the daily grind in our comfort zone, but we have to take it

[00:09:44] That comes back again to that that circle of guys

[00:09:46] We're hanging out with like who's driving us forward. Where's the bar being set at?

[00:09:50] What how do we want to show up for ourselves for our kids in our relationship?

[00:09:55] That's what i'm talking about and that requires a man to look himself in the mirror and be honest enough to say

[00:10:00] I'm not really happy with who i'm looking at here

[00:10:04] And then say now i'm going to do something about it

[00:10:07] A and b so you talk about you just touched on the community part

[00:10:13] And then in your writing you talk about lone wolf

[00:10:16] How do you keep those separate and how do those work together and or separate lone wolf?

[00:10:23] Every man listening to this should that should resonate with that

[00:10:26] They'll think of a time where they've tried to go it alone

[00:10:29] They've thought if I could just get you know, especially in a breakup, right? If I could just get us through this

[00:10:33] We'll be fine

[00:10:35] You know, I did it myself if I could just get her better if I could just get us through this if I could

[00:10:39] Just look after the kids enough if I can just if I can shoulder all this

[00:10:43] Stuff will be okay

[00:10:46] and

[00:10:47] The thing about lone wolf is that

[00:10:50] it

[00:10:52] Is very insular. It doesn't allow for much growth. It definitely doesn't allow for much support

[00:10:58] And hilariously

[00:11:00] It was only after

[00:11:02] I started to create

[00:11:04] Super dab, which is now high value man

[00:11:06] That I started looking online and discovering all these men's groups and programs

[00:11:13] In the heat of the moment. I was so focused on I can do this. I can fix it

[00:11:17] I didn't even look for for additional help, right?

[00:11:21] and

[00:11:23] Loneliness they talk about loneliness as a modern-day plague, you know, what's that about we live in a society?

[00:11:28] That's never been more connected

[00:11:30] loneliness is

[00:11:32] Number of people that says to me i'm i'm lonely. I don't have any friends, right?

[00:11:37] um

[00:11:38] and um

[00:11:40] And then we've got all these distractions around us

[00:11:43] Porn on tap social media stupid little games. You can lose an hour a day on like

[00:11:49] You know this this low anytime you find yourself doing something on your own. That is lone wolf syndrome

[00:11:55] and and actually, you know, there's a lot of

[00:11:58] Um struggle that comes around those

[00:12:01] Those activities that we do on our own, okay

[00:12:05] So then then where do we flip it in terms of community?

[00:12:09] well

[00:12:10] To anyone that's been in the band to anyone that's played on a team to anyone that's

[00:12:16] Done a community project. You know, there's like there's something about

[00:12:21] Getting to a place

[00:12:23] Doing something with some other people

[00:12:25] Um after my breakup I joined a singing group, you know, like those core like those pop r&b like, you know kind of

[00:12:32] Choral groups, you know, it's it's not a choir, but it's a singing group, right?

[00:12:36] and um

[00:12:38] I just knew I had to get out of the house. I knew I had to go and do something

[00:12:42] To just do something new and I always had an idea I could sing

[00:12:46] So what did you guys sing? What what kind of music?

[00:12:50] It was some um, so the guy the guy that ran it

[00:12:53] Cool, dude

[00:12:54] He he the backing singer for loads of famous backing singer for prince at some point other other cool bands

[00:12:59] You might have heard of and um, he said this isn't because I am a christian

[00:13:05] And and we are going to probably sing some sort of gospel songs

[00:13:08] But that's just because they're really good songs because we're also going to sing some pop with marita franklin some

[00:13:15] Robbie williams

[00:13:16] We did um some lennard kahl

[00:13:19] Um

[00:13:20] And you know, you've got you've got 25 random strangers there

[00:13:25] And and this I never forget the guy that was because what was I tenor quite deep. Yeah, there's one guy awful singer

[00:13:31] So bad

[00:13:33] I used to stand there like this so that I could try and keep in tune that one finger over over my ear

[00:13:38] You know

[00:13:39] Um, but again, that's what i'm saying. That's like that group of people

[00:13:43] Where someone's got your back?

[00:13:45] Crazy experience I think probably the third or fourth song we did there

[00:13:50] He says oh now tonight we're gonna do a new song. It's called um

[00:13:54] Uh, what's it called? Uh bird bird song, you know for you

[00:14:00] There'll be no crying right and that was the song that was sung at my wedding

[00:14:05] Right

[00:14:13] Everyone's kind of going what's wrong? What's wrong?

[00:14:16] And i'm like, you're never gonna believe this i'm here to get over my divorce. That's my wedding song, right?

[00:14:21] And do you know there's just miracles that happen in life? Oh, yeah, and and that was one

[00:14:26] You know and and but that doesn't happen when you're on your own, you know, it's got to get around people

[00:14:31] So how do men go on through a divorce or divorcing?

[00:14:35] How what's your uh take on them acting with purpose?

[00:14:39] intention

[00:14:41] It's massively important, you know

[00:14:43] One of the things about a divorce or a breakup is that men will often look to blame

[00:14:49] The other person right? I mean there's a percentage gay, you know, someone else will tell me

[00:14:54] But

[00:14:55] In terms of even if he's the one that left right why have I left or because she's like this or because she's like

[00:15:00] That if the guy's had an affair

[00:15:01] Why have you had an affair he hasn't had an affair because he wants to have an affair he had an affair because his

[00:15:05] Marriage is crap, right? So like there's a lot of responsibility that needs to be taken

[00:15:12] Around the divorce and a breakup and that's really hard for some men to hear

[00:15:16] You know, it's it's it's like I say well, what are you going to take responsibility for?

[00:15:20] Well, she did see that she never do she would ever do that. I was like yeah

[00:15:23] But if you start from the point of what can I be responsible for?

[00:15:29] And there's a huge amount of freedom in that

[00:15:31] Because I got but one I one day I got this right hit me like right between the eyes

[00:15:38] You know, he's like

[00:15:39] Well, you asked her out like, you know you dated her that you know that that kind of what level of responsibility?

[00:15:45] How far are you willing to go back?

[00:15:48] And then when you start from that point, I know i'm answering the question in a slightly different way

[00:15:53] but

[00:15:53] People said to me

[00:15:55] A lady called genevra house, right?

[00:15:59] Never gonna forget that woman's name and i've not seen her for 25 years, right? She said to me

[00:16:03] Are you really sure you should be dating her?

[00:16:07] Like she knew and i'm not dogging on my ex here right this this could be as much about her knowing me

[00:16:12] As well as knowing her it's like are you two really meant to be together?

[00:16:16] And so

[00:16:17] That level of responsibility is incredibly free

[00:16:21] Because so often when she was this and she was that and she never then she told me and jenna

[00:16:25] I said

[00:16:26] No, no, no, no

[00:16:27] high value

[00:16:29] Is recognizing that you

[00:16:32] Shagged it you married it you had to chew it like you like where did you start this?

[00:16:37] And so when i'm in response to your question about purpose

[00:16:41] When you've given everything else up you create the space for purpose

[00:16:46] So what does my life look like now?

[00:16:48] What do I want for my kids? What kind of dad do I want to be?

[00:16:50] What kind of social life do I want what kind of joy do I want to find in my work?

[00:16:55] Who do I want to show up as so many men when they look at themselves in the mirror after a breakup

[00:17:01] They look

[00:17:02] They're not

[00:17:04] radiating positive energy

[00:17:07] No surprise, right? You know, obviously

[00:17:09] But you have to get down to that level and say what's it going to take for me to be the man I want to be

[00:17:15] And then that's where the responsibility comes in. That's where the commitment to getting better comes in

[00:17:19] That's where the connections come in

[00:17:22] and

[00:17:23] And quite honestly, that's where the realization that what got you this far

[00:17:28] Isn't going to get you to the next level. So whether it's a book a podcast a program like you're gonna have to step up

[00:17:34] so when you talk about um

[00:17:37] Taking full ownership

[00:17:39] At what point do you insert that at the beginning the middle the end when men are trying to heal?

[00:17:45] David if i'd have seen that

[00:17:48] Earlier in my marriage I could have taken responsibility

[00:17:52] Way before now would that have meant that we fixed the marriage or would it have meant that we broke up earlier?

[00:17:56] I don't know ultimately my ex and I are very different and different on levels that we didn't realize when we were

[00:18:02] Having fun falling in love sex all the time like

[00:18:06] It was the it was the day-to-day grind after the fun that made us realize we weren't compatible

[00:18:12] Okay, so in terms of that responsibility

[00:18:15] Reliability

[00:18:16] that's

[00:18:17] Where it really should have been found now when you speak to a man who's going through default, I would have been the same

[00:18:24] It's not my fault

[00:18:25] She needs to this or don't you realize?

[00:18:28] I remember screaming. I had a counselor that didn't go very well before I found a counselor

[00:18:32] That was good and she said to me unless you go and get on medication. She said you're broken

[00:18:36] You're depressed. You're you're you're you are absolutely broken

[00:18:41] And talk to the doctor about antidepressants and I was like there's nothing wrong with me

[00:18:46] If you could have had a video of it, you know be hilarious

[00:18:48] they'll be like a

[00:18:50] Like one of those kind of saturday night live sketches, you know

[00:18:53] The nuts are at the psychiatry

[00:19:01] Being I wasn't ready to hear it. Yeah

[00:19:03] I

[00:19:06] Now your podcast this conversation it's about cracking through the the angry exterior

[00:19:13] And saying to men hang on a minute, buddy

[00:19:16] like

[00:19:17] You know, maybe there's some stuff here that you need to take responsibility for that. You need to be able to say

[00:19:22] Oh, yeah, maybe I maybe I didn't maybe I wasn't that great as a husband

[00:19:26] Maybe I let myself go. Maybe I worked too hard. Maybe I

[00:19:30] Like whatever the thing is when you can put yourself in the other person's shoes

[00:19:35] You can start to find grace

[00:19:38] You know and uh, and in my program I call it letting go it's in the courage section

[00:19:43] So I have the 3xc right? We talked a lot about clarity already as clarity

[00:19:47] Courage is where this conversation falls into courage is letting go taking responsibility

[00:19:53] Oh, yeah, the fire concept the four principles of being a high value man. Can you explain those four?

[00:19:59] Yeah, I can um, so there's it's actually it starts with the 3xc right?

[00:20:04] So the the clarity courage and commitment and whatever wherever we are focusing our attention

[00:20:10] Whatever we're committed to whatever we're working on

[00:20:13] These three principles are what every man needs to adopt

[00:20:17] Right and like I said, we've talked about some of these already the clarity who you are where you're headed why you want it?

[00:20:22] Then the courage what what have I got to let go of what's what what doubt do I have about this?

[00:20:28] Who am I blaming? Where's my frustrations and resentments like the courage to let it all go?

[00:20:34] Courage to be the person you need to be in that moment. So

[00:20:39] We touched on before about like if you've been worn down by the breakup, like who have you got to become?

[00:20:45] How are you gonna have to go out there and like be?

[00:20:49] Be energized when you don't feel that energetic. Right? That's where conversation that's that's where the courage comes from and then commitment

[00:20:56] The commitment is where do you need to put the effort in in your life?

[00:21:02] And this is where the fire comes into right? So the effort is the commitment is in these four areas focus

[00:21:08] That's yourself

[00:21:10] Your mindset your knowledge your sleep your diet your exercise, right? That's you that's that's being the best version of yourself

[00:21:18] and then

[00:21:19] Impact so the eye of fire and that is your money. That's your your business or your work

[00:21:24] Like it's like really how are you showing up? Like where where are you making a difference? How are you able to make a difference?

[00:21:31] And then relationships they are in fire

[00:21:34] Obviously your children

[00:21:37] You know your family your friends and then your network as well your mentors. How are you leveling up?

[00:21:42] And then not and in terms of relationship

[00:21:45] Are you going to have a new relationship straight away?

[00:21:47] Some people like to shag their way through it

[00:21:51] I didn't I didn't date anyone for about there's a guy that might know that far

[00:22:00] I didn't date anyone for five years. Wow

[00:22:05] And

[00:22:07] Good for you, johnny

[00:22:09] Do you know what? So covid was in the middle of that as well. Yeah, so but

[00:22:12] but

[00:22:14] uh

[00:22:15] so, you know being able

[00:22:18] to have

[00:22:19] A healthy relationship

[00:22:21] Uh, you know

[00:22:23] We don't want to be those guys that go out and get married do it wrong the second time, right?

[00:22:26] But also really important

[00:22:29] And not so easy at the start but is having that healthy relationship with your ex

[00:22:34] Which we can touch on again, but then final the e of uh of fire is energy

[00:22:40] So your adventure your fun and also your peace

[00:22:43] Like when I look at men and I look at those four areas

[00:22:46] And i've got a tracker that people can access for free, right when they look at those four areas

[00:22:52] If they've got balance in those areas if they've got decent scores like

[00:22:56] Sevens eights, you know across the board there

[00:23:00] Then that is where I know if i'm working with a guy that's where I know

[00:23:05] That everything is moving in their direction. There's a there's an expression. I love which is a about a rising tide lifts all ships

[00:23:13] And and when when a man is completely down then everything's down

[00:23:19] But as he becomes this high value man, he is the rising tide. He brings up everybody around him

[00:23:26] So they really are my four my four principles and if someone's listened to that and going well

[00:23:31] How am I doing there? You know if you're busting your balls inside of impact

[00:23:37] But you're not feeling that great

[00:23:39] Like in terms of your energy and your relationships are a bit stressed out

[00:23:43] Right, you could probably realize you're putting too much

[00:23:48] Energy too much time

[00:23:50] And resources into the business probably not enough time and resources into yourself

[00:23:56] And that's where you can start to go. Oh, okay

[00:23:58] I'm out of kilter here. We've got to address that balance

[00:24:02] And then it will settle and then they all start to come back up because if we use work as the obvious example, right?

[00:24:09] If you've got a happy home

[00:24:11] If you're not stressed out if you've slept enough if you're seeing your friends and having a good time

[00:24:16] like

[00:24:18] That guy that shows up at his work

[00:24:21] He's buzzing. He's ready to take on the world. He's excited about what he's creating

[00:24:25] And and that's the kind of man that we all want to become that's the kind of man

[00:24:29] We should be aspiring to be

[00:24:31] What about advice for my guys over 40 struggling with co-parenting that seems to be a big one

[00:24:37] For me that were 40 because you're smiling. So give me something

[00:24:40] Yeah, yeah. Well, so that's been me right we broke up in 2015

[00:24:45] Um, i'm 50 now

[00:24:47] So it was the end of 2015 right? So if we go 2016 to now that's eight years

[00:24:53] and

[00:24:54] This is a coach and I give my clients right?

[00:24:58] You have to start from a position of i'm committed to co-parenting

[00:25:03] Now even if she's the most atrocious douchebag on earth

[00:25:07] If that's your foundation you're coming from it's not about what you're giving to her

[00:25:12] It's not about falling on your sword or always

[00:25:16] Okay, i'll do it or i'll go and get it or i'll know if you know

[00:25:19] And by the way, it's very difficult if you haven't got the 50 50 contact is if you're not seeing your children

[00:25:25] Being able to be this gracious is incredibly difficult

[00:25:28] But we go back to those principles of high value man. This is about taking the higher ground

[00:25:35] and so when she's being a complete nightmare and you're able to put your

[00:25:39] Rage perhaps or your despair to one side and you're like, do you know what?

[00:25:45] I'm not okay with that

[00:25:47] But I hear you and I want to work with it. What's it going to take to move to the next level?

[00:25:53] Yeah, right now that sounds like this utopian really nice world. Okay. It's not really realistic

[00:25:59] There are scenarios

[00:26:02] With my ex where i'm now really clear

[00:26:07] And it's not about creating an argument but it is about saying and here's a classic one, you know

[00:26:13] most people who are divorced

[00:26:16] Can find an argument pretty easily right between oh, yeah, definitely. Yep. You can find an argument really easy

[00:26:22] but

[00:26:23] I'm just like no, we're not going to do that

[00:26:26] We're just not going to do that

[00:26:29] Like we'll end this conversation and we'll start again. But what I want to create is this for our children

[00:26:35] I want to have two happy homes where where they where they we know where we're clear

[00:26:41] about the schedule and

[00:26:43] about

[00:26:45] um

[00:26:46] You know what we do for each other, but by the way when they're with you they're with you

[00:26:51] Yeah, and when they're with me they're with me and now you could get into the you know

[00:26:55] this the the

[00:26:57] semantics of parallel parenting and co-parenting

[00:27:00] But I respect

[00:27:02] My ex as their mom. I lost my mom when I was nine, right?

[00:27:06] So the idea that they'd be better without her. I know that ain't true

[00:27:10] Is she a good mom? She doesn't parent like I do but is she a good mom? Yes

[00:27:15] Right. Is she a good person?

[00:27:18] Not so much to me

[00:27:20] But I did not marry a shit person. I married I married an awesome woman, you know

[00:27:25] I like i'll at least give her that credit, right?

[00:27:28] and

[00:27:29] Just because we're different. I have to let I have to let that be like we're divorced for a reason

[00:27:35] but I am committed to my values and the way I do think

[00:27:39] But I go about it in a way that actually acknowledges that I know we're different

[00:27:43] I know you don't agree with this but i'm gonna let him go to that party

[00:27:47] And i'm gonna trust that he's not gonna get drunk and i'm gonna trust that if he is in trouble, he'll call me

[00:27:54] And that's not how she would address it

[00:27:58] But it's kind of like and then my kids know i've got their back

[00:28:01] And I and I and I you know, there's there's lots of variables here

[00:28:06] But I know that if I say to my kid you're not going to that party

[00:28:09] You climb out the window and go no, it's not no. No, let's talk about myself. I would have climbed out the window

[00:28:13] Oh god

[00:28:15] Hell yeah, i'm going to that party

[00:28:18] Oh, yeah, so then i'm gonna say to him look i'm not gonna tell you i'm i'm gonna let you go

[00:28:23] But i'm gonna tell you don't drink and by the way, I know you're not gonna listen to that

[00:28:27] So when they pass a drink round take us have one beer

[00:28:31] Don't be the kid that does the beard if and what do you guys call it?

[00:28:35] The funnel the keg thing or um, yeah

[00:28:38] Yeah

[00:28:41] Yeah, yeah i've seen it in the movies i've done it in chicago i've i've done it in grad school. Oh, yeah

[00:28:47] Yeah, oh, yeah

[00:28:48] So like like and by the way if you ignore all this and you're in trouble call me i'll come and get you

[00:28:54] No questions. Yeah

[00:28:56] So I don't know how well I answered that question there

[00:28:59] But what you did you did you did it comes from the foundation of

[00:29:03] I'm committed to getting on with this person because I know that's better for our children

[00:29:08] And every time she goes against that i'm like

[00:29:11] I want you know, that's okay. I want you to come back to that center point

[00:29:14] Please i'll be here when you're ready to come back to that center point and just to be clear

[00:29:20] It's taken eight years

[00:29:22] It's taken eight years

[00:29:24] Oh, yeah, and the first six were nowhere near that

[00:29:27] Man, so what about the f-word?

[00:29:30] forgiveness

[00:29:32] Oh, i'm big on that. Well, you might have just heard right inside of courage. I heard a little bit. Yeah

[00:29:38] Yeah, you know a lot of a lot of guys I struggled with it

[00:29:42] But man once you let that go, it's so enlightening

[00:29:46] Because that person doesn't take parking spaces in your brain

[00:29:51] Your mind is free. Your soul is freed

[00:29:54] It's hard to even explain once you forgive that person and yourself

[00:29:58] You know, it's it's um

[00:30:01] You know forgive others as you would want. What's that like? I go I go just to be clear, right?

[00:30:07] Faith comes into my

[00:30:09] Being because I was born. I was brought up like that

[00:30:13] My dad goes to church every week, right?

[00:30:15] I spent I spent a number of years in a charismatic church, right?

[00:30:19] Which was flipping full on now and i'm not really sure how healthy

[00:30:22] But whether you're reading the bible or reading the kuran or or whether you're a buddhist

[00:30:28] I'm pretty sure they're all very similar

[00:30:30] And i'm pretty sure that for the decent people among us it's a good

[00:30:34] A good measure to live by right? So when the lord's prayer says forgive others as you'd want them to forgive you

[00:30:42] Like who are we not to forgive?

[00:30:45] Yeah

[00:30:46] Like that's that principle but then when you you want to come back from that and take it on a real more personal level

[00:30:52] If you hold onto something tight

[00:30:54] right

[00:30:55] Literally if you listen to this and you've got troubles around forgiveness clench your fist tight now tight

[00:31:01] Now see how long you can hold on to that

[00:31:04] Like with all your might your knuckles start to hurt your forearm starts to cramp like

[00:31:10] That is you holding on to something

[00:31:14] Now let it go

[00:31:16] And it's just the blood rushes back to your fingers

[00:31:19] The arms starts to relax now you imagine that's your whole body your whole mental space the energy

[00:31:26] around you

[00:31:28] Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself

[00:31:31] Now if I go to a sort of a quantum physics level

[00:31:35] If the energy you're giving off is like this entrapment this screw you this i'm never going to forgive you

[00:31:42] And if you're waiting for that other person to start being

[00:31:47] Um sympathetic

[00:31:49] Co-parent well nice like they're never gonna be that all the time. You're secretly hating on them

[00:31:58] And i've got a cool little um

[00:32:01] worksheet I created which I

[00:32:03] Developed off the back of stuff. I've read about soul ties

[00:32:08] You know if you have had sex created a child you can it can happen in business as well

[00:32:14] Like as humans we give off so much energy and when we're committed to a project with someone else

[00:32:19] Let alone have sex together

[00:32:21] We we create this connection

[00:32:24] That is an there is an energy

[00:32:26] Now when you have been in such a relationship with someone it's really powerful to actually cut that soul time

[00:32:33] And it's it's no more difficult difficult than simply declaring right. I no longer need this connection with this person

[00:32:40] and in the way that I prescribe it you then

[00:32:43] Declare your gratitude towards that person. Thank you for the children we created

[00:32:47] Thank you for our awesome wedding day. Thanks for that fun. We had on that ski trip. Thanks for

[00:32:51] Like thanks for being you for a couple of years. It was great

[00:32:55] And then you forgive them. Do you know what I forgive you i've held on to this for too long

[00:33:00] I've realized it's impacted our lives. I've realized it's impacted in our children. I no longer i'm going to do that

[00:33:06] I'm sorry. I'm letting you go

[00:33:08] and then if you've written that down the piece of paper set fire to it if you

[00:33:12] I don't know if you're out in a in a in a spot that's important to you break a stick cut something like not

[00:33:17] Cut your arm, but you know a piece of paper, right?

[00:33:20] Like

[00:33:21] Cutting soul ties. I have seen some mad stuff happen from that

[00:33:26] Literally something that wasn't shifting and I don't mean like clicky fingers it happens

[00:33:30] But something that wasn't shifting three weeks later

[00:33:33] The guy will ring me up and go you never guess what?

[00:33:36] We had our final meetings today with their with their lawyer

[00:33:39] And and we've agreed

[00:33:42] We've settled the kids are going to be with both of us and we're talking sensibly about money. He's like

[00:33:47] It's something shifted

[00:33:50] And honestly over and over i've seen it with this old ties exercise

[00:33:54] All right, johnny, you got two things. Uh, you have an opportunity talk to all the men out there as you're doing right now

[00:34:00] But you have two things that we've talked about what are the two big things you want to impart?

[00:34:06] To my listeners number one. This is the start

[00:34:11] Not the end

[00:34:13] This imagine if this had all happened

[00:34:17] Exactly as it was supposed to happen so that you could be the man you're supposed to wake up as tomorrow

[00:34:23] That is giving me goosebumps as i'm saying it because if everything that's happened to you was

[00:34:30] Essential for you to be the man you want to be tomorrow

[00:34:34] Then that is then you've got to be grateful for that, right?

[00:34:37] You've also got to give up all the other stuff. You've got to see it as a grand and wonderful opportunity

[00:34:42] And then the second part of your question like what two things is then to go out there and create it

[00:34:50] Who are you? What do you want to be? What kind of dad are you?

[00:34:53] What sort of memories do you want to create with your kids? What's the dream relationship you've got coming down the line?

[00:34:57] What does the home look like?

[00:35:00] And and truly go out there as I

[00:35:03] Am the luckiest guy on earth. I'm now going to go and build something

[00:35:08] Absolutely incredible

[00:35:10] And

[00:35:11] Uh and a little ps on that for all those dads that aren't seeing their kids quite as much as they want to

[00:35:18] is

[00:35:18] their life

[00:35:20] With any luck is going to be some kind of 60 or 70 years long

[00:35:26] And we are hopefully going to get to be part of that for another sort of 30 years

[00:35:31] So as difficult as it is hang in there keep going never let them know

[00:35:36] I was that you've given up. Yep, don't give us somewhere down the line

[00:35:40] the good will out

[00:35:42] Kids want their dads

[00:35:44] And so when the time comes be ready be the best version of yourself

[00:35:49] Be the man that they were hoping you would be

[00:35:54] All right johnny, okay, I wish I had a mic to drop that was a mic drop

[00:36:00] But I don't want to I don't want to break anything

[00:36:03] But man, I I really appreciate you hooking up with me this morning

[00:36:06] And I am so sorry took us so hard to to get together

[00:36:10] But it was definitely worth it hanging in there and getting after it

[00:36:13] Uh, let them know listeners where to find you on the internet

[00:36:17] Yeah, totally. So johnnyjensen.com is where you can get to the high value man project. That's

[00:36:23] Johnniensen.com johnnyjensen.com

[00:36:27] The high value man project

[00:36:30] If you go johnnyjensen.com forward slash group that will drop you into the facebook group

[00:36:35] basically

[00:36:36] everything you need from me you can start from those two places and um

[00:36:42] We have one-on-one coaching. We have the community

[00:36:45] And really it's about men leveling up

[00:36:48] Having life become a whole lot easier and really creating the life that we deserve not a life

[00:36:54] Gotcha

[00:36:55] All right johnny, I want to thank you very much for hanging out with us

[00:36:58] And we're going to sign off where we're going to have a discussion afterwards, but everybody have a good night

[00:37:03] All right. Bye. Bye

[00:37:07] You