Divorced Dad Survival Guide: Own Your Off Week and Heal Like a Rockstar! 😤 || Bill Porter || DPTSP #161

[00:00:00] Welcome back everyone. My guest today is Bill Porter, a divorced dad in San Mateo, California, and the founder of Half-Time Dad, a membership community and weekly letter for fathers co-parenting after separation. Bill's entire philosophy is built around one powerful idea. The week you don't have the kids is where you either rebuild your life or fall apart. He's called out what he's the Jack in the Box Dad Syndrome. Those dads who only come alive when their kids are in the room and coast through the rest of the week.

[00:00:29] And Half-Time Dad is his answer to it. He also hosts his own podcast, so trust me, he's bringing the goods today. We're talking about owning the off week, staying emotionally steady, keeping adult conflict away from your kids and rebuilding as a father at half-time. Bill, welcome to the show. Tell us about your show. Thank you, David M. Webb. Yeah. As you mentioned here in San Mateo, I've got two amazing boys, both one officially a teenager today, the other in the middle of his teenage years, just turned into his kids.

[00:00:59] He's turning 15 in a couple weeks. But yeah, like you said, my big takeaway through this whole process was how can I help other dads in our situation, right? How can I give them that information that maybe I didn't have or that I found out too late?

[00:01:17] And what can I do to help spread the word? Because it is an isolating thing to be sitting in your house by yourself for the first time. And it can either completely break you or it could be a pivotal point where you turn and you make something out of it. And it doesn't happen overnight, but that those are the kind of what the overall guides that started what I'm doing now and how I want to move forward.

[00:01:47] Yeah. What did your own your off weeks look like at the beginning? Because mine was I think I was in the closet crying when they went off for the week and it took a while to to get used to that. But how did your off weeks look like in the beginning? Very similar. It didn't really do a lot. Right. I would come home. I would spend a lot. I would spend a lot of time in the office. Right. So I would deflect and not come home.

[00:02:16] And then when I would come home. There was genuinely nothing to do. I would I love cooking and I love baking. I stopped that. I would just order takeout and I would just sit around and watch dumb shows, sports, whatever it is. It was just very comatose, if you will. There's not a lot going on.

[00:02:43] So was there a specific low point that made you realize that the off week was the make or break moment? Yeah, there was a I ended up finally getting dragged out by a couple of friends and going out and playing pickleball. And I remember saying, OK, this was fun. I enjoyed that. Right. How do we? I can do this. I could go out and live my life again and not have to just be home in the shell of myself.

[00:03:13] And one pickleball thing led to going out to movies with friends, going out and going to sports events and just ballooned to the point where I felt like myself again. And it was very empowering to be able to drop the kids off and pick up and drop off points Monday at school, drop them off at school Monday, go do a full day of work. But then say, oh, I actually have time.

[00:03:42] And as a dad who's in the middle or any parent going in the middle of raising kids, you don't have time. So part of the pause and not doing anything was. You had this moment where what am I what do I do? I have an entire evening to myself. I haven't had this in at that point. It would have been, what, 16 years. So how do you actually what do you do with it? So I picked up different hobbies.

[00:04:10] But yeah, that picked up hobbies and just started to keep doing more and more. And that was the point where I realized not just doing things, but talking about things also helps, too. So explain the core idea to our listeners. Why is the week without your kids where you rebuild or fall apart? Yeah, it's. You know. This week is a very important week.

[00:04:39] You can go like two ways. You can do nothing. You can deteriorate. You can go and drink and eat unhealthy and just be a shell of yourself. Or you can add a skill. You can go and you can meet new people. You can go and just have fun.

[00:05:00] And I think that's the key thing that I realized after the separation was I wasn't myself. And even going through it, right? So you're saying like even going up to that separation point, I wasn't feeling myself. And how do you get back there? And some people quite honestly don't ever get back there. I've got some friends that they're still a shell of themselves. And you go and you push them to do things.

[00:05:31] You push them to get out there. But the turning point is real. And what you do when you're not with your kids impacts what you do with your kids. And I think that's the biggest takeaway that I learned, too, is when you are in front of your kids, they ask you, what did you do last week? What did you do? What are you? It's like, oh, I went golf. I did this. I did that. And you show up to their kids sporting events because they still have them when you don't have them, right?

[00:05:57] There's different things that you can do that help them understand that you are an entire person as well. Not just the dad that shuttles them to sports and gets them to school and then brings them home. Let's talk about the self-care component. That is huge that men miss out on. My metaphor is that when the plane's going down, you put your oxygen mask on first before you

[00:06:26] put your kids on because you can't take care of your kids. You don't take care of yourself. Speak to that. Talk to the guys out there that they got to take care of themselves. They can't let themselves fall apart. Absolutely do. And it's I've heard that from therapists for so long. It sometimes you don't necessarily understand what it means, right? And a real example comes to your kids and they're essentially their mental health, right?

[00:06:55] So one of the stigmas with guys specifically is not talking about your feelings. And if you go to therapy, you are weak. You are soft. So going to therapy, talking to friends, building a network around me has led by example for them. It's okay to talk about what's going on. And having two teenagers, it's tough to get them to talk to begin with.

[00:07:24] But when you get them to talk and lead by example, it opens up the ability for them to not feel isolated in their feelings and be able to express to me what they're going through. Yeah. One of the things I did with my off weeks was I planned. I tried to plan something that we've never done for that following week. We had to be a board game, simple stuff, not go to Disneyland, but simple stuff, hike, things like that.

[00:07:54] So every week I tried to structure something that we've never done. And that was interesting. And they kind of looked forward to it. I never told them what day it was, but yeah. So getting those building blocks on those off weeks are very important. Yes. Care of yourself and things like that. How do you structure a week so you're not just killing time until the kids come back and still have that jack-of-the-box syndrome? Yeah.

[00:08:22] It's coming back to the, when you don't have the kids and you've been a parent for so long, you don't necessarily know how to be yourself around yourself. So I would focus on what I would want to do. Put that mask on first, right? I would like to go and do play around the golf or go see some friends. Or even if it's the point where sometimes as a working dad, you have to stay at the office late and you feel guilty.

[00:08:51] So not feeling guilty to put in the extra couple hours of work while they're not around. And do that on the weeks that they're not here so that when they're here, you could be entirely present. It's very interesting because you get to re-meet yourself. You get to rediscover what you want to do in the middle of your life. And at first it was scary. At first, like I said, I didn't do anything. I just sat around.

[00:09:21] I watched reruns of shows that I didn't need to watch. And then I realized I had this time. What am I going to do with it? And then you start chipping away. You start doing little things and then it turns into bigger things. You start going on trips. You start meeting new people and just getting out there. Yeah. Walk us through the syndrome, the Jack in the Box syndrome. What are some of the warning signs that a dad is in it?

[00:09:49] Yeah, I think the biggest one for me is not, it's a feeling, right? It's going through your week, either your week on, your week off, and kind of doing a review of what you've done and what you haven't done. And if you're only thinking about your kids, if you're only focused around what they're doing, and that starts creeping into your week off too. You start thinking, oh, what, do they have to be at this sporting event?

[00:10:19] Do they have to be at school? Do they have their folder? Do they have this signed? It takes, it cannibalizes your entire day, your entire week when really you should be focused on how you can be a better person for them when they're around you. So is there a moment when the Jack in the Box dad realizes the spring has wound down? And what does that look like where things are starting to get over that hump?

[00:10:49] Yeah, it's, I think the moment for me that realized, that I realized it was the, there was less anxiety around when they were here or even when they weren't here, right? It was a very clear, I understood the rules around me. I understood the world around me and I was able to contribute to them even sometimes when they, on the weeks that they weren't here, right? So I was able to, like you said, you plan your trips, right?

[00:11:20] I'm able to plan, I was able to plan ahead. I was able to be present in the moment, whether they were there or not. And being present in the moment impacts how you are all the time. So I think just being present, being mindful of where you are really is helpful. How do you keep adult conflict texts, lawyers, arguments from landing on your kids? What's in the best ways?

[00:11:50] It's having that conversation upfront early with these boys because they're old enough to know, but they're not old enough to fully understand where we say, we are going to continue going through these struggles and I don't call it conflict. I just say, we are going to have things that we are going to have to discuss that are independent of what you are. We both love you. We both care for you. You are never going to be in danger, right? And really reinforce that.

[00:12:19] This is not something that we're having you ignore. It's not part of your day-to-day because it doesn't, it never has to be part of your day-to-day. In Colorado here, we were mandated to take a don't use your kids as weapons course when you're going through a divorce, if you have kids. But talk to the guys out there who don't really understand that, which I don't understand either.

[00:12:47] I don't understand why they don't understand it, but talk to the guys out there that are actually doing that and talk, speak to them about the harm that it causes to the family and to the kids. Absolutely. And I remember early on, it's how you phrase things and it's how you talk to your kids and how you communicate both with them and with your ex, because you can say something to them that you would think is simple.

[00:13:13] And it could be just, oh, I'm venting a little bit of, oh, mom didn't do X or I am doing this because she did Y. And even those simple conversations and those simple statements to them become this dividing line that you're starting. Then they'll go and they'll say, oh, dad said this, that you did this or whatever it is.

[00:13:42] And it could be as simple. It could be as simple as, oh, he didn't fill out the form. Or he said you didn't fill out the form for the photo, the photos for school. And he had to, and he was upset. And it's like, that causes this rift and they become a messenger. And at any time that you have to give them, you give them a message and then you get a message back from the ex through them.

[00:14:11] That's a weaponization in my mind. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. And the context changes with each person. Yeah. And yeah, it doesn't have to be just with the ex. Like you don't want them to be relaying information. You want to be the one that gives that information and not have them bear the burden of it. As small or as big, it doesn't really matter. It has to be consistent.

[00:14:39] What's your playbook for the handoff moments? That's a question I've never asked. What's your playbook for handoff moments, which can be so tense. I just drove them over and love you. Take care. See you in a week. It's all focused on them. You can be doing a million different things outside of what they're dealing with, both in either short term with the ex, long term with the ex. I just focus on them.

[00:15:09] Same thing. Drop them off. Have a good week. Look forward to seeing you next week. It's as simple as that. And it's a once you're able to remove those emotions. It shows for the kids. They're able to be calm, be comfortable. They're able to establish that that simple routine, because I will say early on. The day they would come back. And I talk about this a little bit.

[00:15:37] The day they come back, they. It's almost like they need 24 hours to decompress. Yeah. They come on and they come on strong. They get to the house and then they just. It's like running a marathon. They just get tired and they don't want to talk. And at first I was wondering, oh, is it what is it something I did? What's going on? Why are they avoiding me? And then I realized it's.

[00:16:07] They're transitioning lives. They're going from what they're doing in her house to what they're doing in my house. And it's not easy. It's not easy for anybody, let alone kids. Right. So once I was able to understand that on the other side and say, OK, here's how I'm going to have a soft landing for them, that 24 hours reduces. Right. It becomes a couple hours. It becomes. But it's still a thing. It's still a.

[00:16:36] And being aware of that also is how you hand them off and how that transition happens on the other side, because if you have a bunch of emotion going into the when you're switching houses on the other side, you're setting them up for failure there, too. And you don't want that. Yep. Same thing happens. What about my two favorite words, boundaries and consequences? Because they're different at each house. Each house. They are. They are.

[00:17:03] And you might not know which what are the boundaries and consequences on each side. I think it goes back to just. For boundaries and just being consistent. Right. I think there's. Everyone's tethered to their device these days, especially teenagers. We have a nine thirty devices off policy here. And that goes for every device that goes for phones that goes for Internet.

[00:17:34] And you can think that I'm not tired. Read a book. Do something. But the I would get pushed back constantly. Oh, it's X. It's different there. Here's the time. It's like, that's great. I don't have the ability to change that. So just being consistent. And same thing with consequences. If there's something that comes up, that's one example is e-bikes are big now. Right. We just got a couple of e-bikes and I was out running an errand.

[00:18:02] And I told the younger one, I said, don't ride the e-bike when I'm not here. Sure enough, he did. Right. He's like, oh, I just went down the streets. Like, doesn't matter about just. Right. So I was able to. How far? It's like, I didn't say ride it 500 feet. I said, don't ride it. But having that consequence, he understood. It was taken away from him. Yeah. I hope he learned. But, you know, we're all boys. Yeah. Just being consistent. I think that's the key.

[00:18:31] And not listening to the, oh, it's done this way over there. Because it may be the same thing. It may be the same 930 devices off. It may be dinners X time. And you can't change that because, or you can't impact that. And you need to understand it early. Let's talk about, we're all children. Let's talk about them being more resilient than we think.

[00:18:59] Like, it's, even hearing that from you now, it doesn't feel like, it doesn't feel like they are until you experience it. And it's one of those things where you have to experience it. And then you almost give them more rope. You give them more leniency to be kids. Right. But they will bounce back quick. They, and the week on, week off, different places.

[00:19:24] Like I said, the 24-hour rule that I had, they get tightened up as the years go on. They learn quick. Both good in terms of how to navigate the world, but also bad, how to manipulate it. So it's an interesting balance. Right. But they are resilient. They, I still remember. They're smart. They're smart. The first year separated around the holidays, right?

[00:19:51] I would start getting requests for Christmas gifts, right? It's like, oh, okay. This and that. Tell me if you're not going to get it because mom will get it for me. Okay. These are big ticket items, man. Like I, what do you say? Oh yeah. It's like, so it was like, it was an interesting thing, but it's fun. Oh, absolutely. So talk about resiliency. Like you're already playing the game.

[00:20:15] But it's, no, even on like the non, like, not those examples, but just they're able to rest their head and fall asleep on a different bed every other week. They're able to sit at a dinner table and have conversations around their school and repeat themselves and not to get frustrated. Right. Because I'm sure there's the same questions that are asked on both sides. I have a friend.

[00:20:43] He has three kids and they were in high school years ago. And the youngest one was struggling, but the kid was smart. And, but he was too smart for his own good. So he was using the divorce not to do homework and the dad sold through it, but the mom didn't. So the mom was like, Hey, we need to go to counseling. We need to figure this out. So the dad had a meeting and he hated his ex to come to the house. He hated it, but he had her over there just for the kids.

[00:21:13] And so there's the mom, my friend and his three kids. So they're sitting there. And so the mom says, this is atrocious. We need to go to counseling. He's struggling in high school. And the dad knows what's going on. And the other two brothers, sister are smiling because they know what's going on too. Yeah. Yeah. So everybody knows what's going on except for mom. This is Travis team. I said, look, this is what we're going to do. I didn't, my friend did. This is what we're going to do.

[00:21:39] So I'm going to beat his ass for the next two weeks. And if that doesn't work, we'll go to counseling. Oh, Bill, that dude straightened up something. Oh yeah. It was priceless. Oh my God. It was my friend's finest moment. Yeah. That just shows you how smart they are. And this guy was probably a sophomore in high school. Yeah. Easy. Yeah.

[00:22:06] The resilience and the, they're way smarter than we think. We don't give them enough credit, I think. The creativity too is like, as I said with the Christmas thing, like it's just, it's, you both love it and you also hate it at the same time. You love it because you're seeing your child grow in front of you. You hate it because you're not able to keep up sometimes and understand the game. And then you finally realize, oh, this is what they're doing. Yeah. This is creative. This is clever.

[00:22:36] What will you tell a guy who's going through a high conflict co-parenting, which is very common, a high conflict co-parenting relationship is very hostile and there's no quick fix. How can the guy sit back and be the best co-parent that he can be in that situation? Yeah. I think there's a couple ways to unpack that. One is it's okay to show emotion.

[00:23:02] It just, it can't be overly angry. It can't be too negative, right? If you're going to show emotion, show all your emotions, right? And I think with the handoffs, like we've talked about, be calm, be relaxed. And the shorter, the better. Keep it as neutral as possible, right? Think of yourself as Switzerland, right?

[00:23:28] You have to go in and you just have to, you do what you need to do to get the kids or to drop the kids off and focus on them. Then I would say outside of those handoffs and those moments, really build your network. Build out your network of people that you can talk to, that you can share these feelings. You can vent your frustration. You can ask for questions on if you, if your situation was this, how would you do it? Right?

[00:23:58] Get that advice, get your village built out because it is not something that you can do alone. And it's not something that you want to have your kids as a part of that process, that healing process. That's part of the reason why I built this platform is a chance for dads to vent, to get that negative energy out and understand that it's healthy to do it, but do it in the right

[00:24:28] ways and do it in the right circles. Wow. What exactly does the halftime dad membership offer and who's it for? It's really built for the co-parenting dads that, like you were saying, that are struggling and that need to start building their village out, build their community out. I was blessed early on with a community of dads that were at all aspects and all gamuts

[00:24:54] of this, let's call it life journey where they separated, divorced, either going through it, whatever it may be. And we were able to have conversations. And I realized pretty early on, not a lot of people have that. And there's this stigma around being able to not be able to talk about that. So what it does is it's really simple. It's a network with tips and advice.

[00:25:21] There's a ability for you to go in and plug in your communication back and forth with your ex and it removes that emotional layer to it. You can plug in her message and it will give you some constructive feedback. So there are tools in there that will empower you to take that next step to really understand what you do and what you say is impactful.

[00:25:45] And more important, your world for the longest time was your now ex-wife and your kids. Expand it. Introduce yourself to new things. Introduce yourself, reintroduce yourself to friends and to a group that will be welcoming and accepting. Take that jump. And that's what this has helped. This helps you transition to that ability to take that jump. My divorce is so old that we didn't have these recording apps that records everything,

[00:26:15] the text between the mom and the dad. But one of my things to get through it was I had a small K and a big K, capital K. And if it got to the point where she was just yanking my chain, it'd either be a small K that I'm kind of mad or a big K that I'm super mad. What do you mean K? Just K. And then I finally just diffused and I was okay. What are the most common breakthroughs you hear from dads inside the community?

[00:26:46] It's the biggest thing is you're not alone. And people saying, oh, I've gone through this particular struggle and here are some ways that another dad's helped me through it, right? So it's really that village mentality and relying on other people. Those are the biggest things that I've noticed is it's okay to talk. It's okay to share your feelings.

[00:27:11] It's okay to express and understand that this is not a unique situation. You are in conflict. Don't try to just fix it yourself. Get some help. Go out and talk to people. Whether it's a therapy session, whether it's a walk with a friend, whatever it is, there are people around you that will support you, even if you don't know them, right? Or even if you're introducing yourself, be vulnerable in this network and it will help you.

[00:27:41] It will pay off. So you've offered our listeners a free founding membership and a discount code. Tell us about that. And what's the one actionable step a dad can take today to stop coasting? Yeah. So I would say I encourage you to sign up. I encourage you to join. I check all the messages. I am very active on the platform.

[00:28:03] I will say the biggest thing that you need to do as a dad to stop coasting is getting out of your own way. Go and experience what you have been, I'm not going to say avoiding, but what you get now, which is this week or however many days of silence. And you can do, the world is your oyster.

[00:28:31] Do whatever you can to reset and to come back to your kids. The best version of yourself is possible. Wow. That's awesome. Where can the people find you on the internet? Yeah. You can look up at halftimedad.co. We'll add, I'm sure you'll add the discount code in the show notes. But yeah, we're, we're a small, but growing network and looking forward to interacting with every, every person that joins.

[00:29:01] All right, Mr. Bill, hold on the line, but I appreciate your time this Friday morning. And I think we've provided our men out there a lot of things to think about and maybe loop on, but everybody have a good night. Bye-bye. Boom.