Unpacking and Shoveling Your Past Sh!t in your Divorce Recovery - Junie Moon || DPTSP #66 || David

[00:00:00] Welcome back to Don't Pick The Scab Podcast, where we tap into awesome guests' superpowers and insights in order to help and engage my men over 40 to heal from divorce.

[00:00:10] Welcome to the show, Junie Moon. She did the Divorce Double Podcast with me and Rachel.

[00:00:27] Welcome to the Don't Pick The Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce.

[00:00:41] She's a love coach and empowerment leader that specializes in healing old, toxic relationships, patterns, and experience the next level of love.

[00:00:51] So we'll talk about all that. So give us your background, Junie, and we've got some questions for you.

[00:00:58] Junie Moon Thank you for having me. And I'm just so excited to be talking to the men, because a lot of times I talk to the women.

[00:01:04] Junie Moon And it's, wait a second, both sides are important here. So I love that you're working with the men, because they're, like we were just discussing, they're, the more men understand women, the more you guys can have what you want.

[00:01:18] You can have all the sex you want. You can have the greatest relationship that you desire if you actually know what's going on with the women.

[00:01:26] Junie Moon So my background is that I do transformational coaching. I learned this body of work called shadow work, oh gosh, decades ago at this point.

[00:01:36] Junie Moon And it opened me up to why I had my patterns of behavior of, for me as a woman, not speaking my truth, getting my needs met, feeling heard and seen.

[00:01:48] This is like the female thing, but there are so many men in the shadow work community that learned, why are they not getting their needs met?

[00:01:56] Why are they getting emasculated? Why are they not having the high level relationships they want?

[00:02:02] And so the shadow work model helped me transform. I left my marriage. I learned that it can be different.

[00:02:08] And I discovered next level love where I could have healthy partnership and deep love, deep respect and grow with a partner.

[00:02:19] I didn't know it was possible. So I learned it. I studied it. I got licensed in it.

[00:02:23] And I picked up a lot of other tools along the way, especially when it comes to love and relationships.

[00:02:29] So I am a love expert, dating and relationship love expert.

[00:02:34] And my specialty is helping people see the blind spots to break through the blind spots so they can truly have the love life that they desire or just the life that they desire.

[00:02:46] So some of the things with my men who were 40 coming out of divorce and trying to recover from divorce, they don't practice self-care.

[00:02:54] And I'm all about putting your oxygen mask on first, but they don't take care of themselves.

[00:02:59] Why is it so important for them to take care of themselves?

[00:03:02] It's a no brainer. If you don't take care of yourself, it's you're not going to feel so great, whether it's your physical being.

[00:03:09] If you're a workaholic and there's a part of you that says you better show up this way, you better check those boxes.

[00:03:16] So there might be a pusher or a part of you that's telling you, you have to jump through certain hoops.

[00:03:21] So if you're jumping through all the hoops of all the things you've learned, how you're supposed to be as a man in this culture, you might be missing out on some basic things that are so important, like getting good sleep so you can feel rejuvenated, like putting good food in your body, like who you surround yourself with so that you really are supported and guided on how to really live your best life.

[00:03:45] So self-care is huge. And if you're not taking care of yourself, then it's going to catch up to you. And that's either personally or relationally. And again, why does that happen? It's because we've been trained to do something different than actually take care of ourselves in some way.

[00:04:04] What are some of the misconceptions that men have on women and women have on men? That's got to be huge. Some of the most common ones.

[00:04:13] Yeah. Okay. So now we're entering into the beliefs. What have people picked up along the way that have us, you know, men thinking certain things about women and women thinking certain things about men. And so from my viewpoint, before I answer that question, we have been absorbing like sponges since we were little kids about men and women. What have you been taught about relationship? What have you been taught women want or don't want?

[00:04:41] And so we watch the movies. We do the relationships. We've witnessed our parents. We've picked up so much information that we have then created these very strong beliefs about women are like this and men are like that.

[00:04:56] So firstly, let's just like just take a breath into that. Your beliefs, all of our beliefs came from somewhere. We were handed them from well-meaning parents in our culture and then we experienced it and then we got proof that it's true. And now here we are. And now if people are going through a divorce, then it's yep. And here are some of the beliefs. Yep.

[00:05:20] She only wanted my money. She only wanted my money. And all women want, you know, a financially successful man to provide for her. Okay. Let me just stop there. Yeah. Women, especially in the second half of life would like their partner or potential partner to have some financial stability because we are looking at the second act of our life and we don't want to be a nurse or a purse.

[00:05:50] Yeah.

[00:06:19] Men, especially in the second half of men that are thinking they can show the women with all the gifts and then they can get all the sex they want. Sure. That exists. However, I truly see this over and over that most quote regular people just want love and respect and connection. So we need to look at our beliefs. So some of the most common things I hear from men are women are controlling.

[00:06:48] Women are out for just one thing, my money and women bring in all this drama. So it's even like painful to even say those things, but it's just what I hear men say often. It's, I don't want the drama.

[00:07:02] We need to note. We need to look at, and I'll, after I say this, I want to just open it up to what you want to share about this, that when I hear men say, I don't want the drama.

[00:07:12] What I'm hearing.

[00:07:13] As a love coach and an expert is you've been hurt on some level or experienced a woman that didn't know how to speak cleanly and communicate well. She came out sideways and maybe was sarcastic and biting, manipulative, perhaps mean and, and emasculated and maybe over controlled everything.

[00:07:39] And that does not feel great as a guy. So you might perceive that as, Oh my God, she was so emotional and she was so dramatic. Typically that's a, an unhealthy woman who doesn't know how to really be with her emotions and express her emotions.

[00:07:54] And guys, women are emotional. They are. Can you hold the space for their emotions without taking it personally? Can you see that your partner has some emotions moving through her and that you can hold that space for her to be in that vulnerable place?

[00:08:12] So both sides, how is she showing up and is she showing up in a healthy way? What are your beliefs about women and their emotions? What have you experienced in the past and can it be different? Absolutely. I'm going to just stop there and see what you have to say around that.

[00:08:27] The communication piece is big. That was one thing I worked on after I got divorced because my staff, they were my biggest critics, but they were helpful critics. And I worked on that communication piece and it's, and with men, they don't listen. And I don't want to be general about it, but they need to listen more. And that's a huge piece of communication.

[00:08:51] And then I found out because I work with women that women don't want you to solve it. Sometimes they just want you to listen.

[00:09:01] Yeah. And even that's a communication piece to be able, this is this, we need to come back to the basics and we haven't been taught how to have a conversation. And so the evolved men that have done their work, like my partner, just yesterday, I was in my emotions.

[00:09:17] There was something moving through me and I just saw him sitting there loving me, holding the space. When I stood up and said, I didn't even say it actually. I was just like, I just grabbed him and he grabbed me and he just allowed me to feel. He didn't, he knew not to fix me. He knew not to offer anything to me in that moment. However, he knows that there is an opportunity to say, Hey, would you like some feedback? But he didn't go there at all. I know that he can hold the

[00:09:47] space for me. But most men, but most men we've been taught. We, what we've men have been taught. You got to be the one to fix, you got to problem solve. And so it's uncomfortable. I'm not a man. If I'm not taking action. And in reference to hearing men have been, not been taught how to just listen and hold the space for their woman. And again, women.

[00:10:12] Men, sadly need to lead the men a little bit more. Cause I think women are doing more work right now than men in general to say, Hey, I have something going on inside of me. Can you just listen? I just really need you to listen right now. Just, you don't need to fix me. You don't have to give me feedback. Can you just hold me as I cry or share my truth? It's a tricky thing.

[00:10:36] So what, so let's go back to self-care. Yeah. Just entered. Let's throw in the self-confidence piece because they're intertwined a little bit. How can one help the other? And how can a man work on that self-confidence? Cause it takes a blow, especially if you get the rug pulled underneath you and you don't see the divorce coming.

[00:10:56] And that's why, what, when people reach out to me and I so encourage your listeners and watchers to reach out to me and we can talk about this, the unpacking of what you've experienced in the past and specifically the relationship that you're letting go of.

[00:11:12] There's some mourning to be had because you're letting go of something. And most people don't take time to actually feel the ouch of the loss, the anger and the resentment of what didn't happen or you think should have happened or anything around that piece.

[00:11:30] People need to take some time before they jump into the next relationship. So if you are just leaving a relationship and especially men, I see this often, they just jump right into another relationship.

[00:11:41] Or they just want to play the field and get as much sex as possible because they've been in a sexless marriage or they're just like, great. I just, I don't want any drama. I'm just going to have some fun. No judgment here. Go for it. However, what are you bringing to the table?

[00:11:55] So if you're coming out of a relationship or you're moving through a relationship and you haven't really unpacked, then there's a part of you most likely that's going to be a little shaky. The ground is going to be a little shaky because there's some doubt around what

[00:12:11] you can really have within yourself and in partnership. And so confidence comes from not only knowing who you are and what you want and believing in yourself that you can have it differently. Confidence sometimes has to come from trying new things and seeing that you can do it, that you can have a date without the drama and the craziness.

[00:12:33] And then to really believe that it's possible. So it's an inside job. And so men and women both really get hit hard when it comes to believing in themselves and what's possible when they've been through a war.

[00:12:48] And a lot of times divorce sadly feels like a huge battleground and a lot of people can lose their self-esteem and belief around love in that journey.

[00:13:00] So the self-confidence part as a cousin and the cousin is boundaries.

[00:13:06] A lot of people, men especially, don't practice boundaries, especially after getting a divorce and trying to recover. It's a very part, a very important part of the process, boundaries. So what do you think about that?

[00:13:21] I think boundaries come, first of all, boundaries, I think is huge. I think women and men both have to really, again, know themselves, know what works for them and doesn't. So guys, if you haven't spent time figuring out who you are and what you want, it's going to be really challenging to set boundaries, which is usually good communication of this works for me or this doesn't work for me.

[00:13:45] This is what I want or this is not what I want. So if you don't know yourself and you have some fear, because ultimately bad behavior for everybody is just underneath fear of something is going to go wrong, that if you haven't honed in on what it is that you truly need to speak and what you truly want to create, then you're not going to be able to say yes or no.

[00:14:10] When you have healthy boundaries, it's because you are able to set the tone of what you're creating, what you desire.

[00:14:18] So if, and that sadly in the realm of dating, people jump right back out there and they're swiping there, it's a throwaway kind of, oh, I'll talk to her and then I just won't talk to her again. Boom.

[00:14:30] You could say that's a boundary by disappearing, but that's, that's a wimpy boundary. Sorry.

[00:14:35] That's the ultimate boundary.

[00:14:37] That's the ultimate boundary. I'm just gone.

[00:14:39] I'm on it.

[00:14:40] Yeah, I'm out. Exactly. So with everything you've been asking me so far and as we're talking, what I just keep coming back to is that North star of what you want. And most people don't spend time real, and it doesn't have to be months and years, just like freaking a day, but it does take time to like hone in on what is it that you truly want for this next act of yours.

[00:15:06] And sometimes that takes some time to figure out, do you really want to partner? And most of the time people do want to partner, but a certain type of partnership.

[00:15:17] And if you haven't defined that, then you can't necessarily speak it. And if you can't speak it, then you can't have the confidence to speak it.

[00:15:25] And you can't set those boundaries around this works for me or doesn't work for me. And then you're acting out of the unknown realm, the unconscious realm, pulling, calling the shots in the backgrounds.

[00:15:36] So being conscious and bringing yourself to this moment in time and getting so clear about how you want things to be different next time.

[00:15:47] If you don't do that one piece and then reflect on what went down that you don't want to do again, you are bound to create the same patterns and relationships over and over.

[00:16:00] And then you're going to start to think like someone really close. I'm not going to throw them under the bus, but there's someone I know very close and very dear friend of mine who has an opinion that all women want money and just are drama queens.

[00:16:13] And I'm just like, he's not done any personal growth work. He just has some big stories because of who he's dated.

[00:16:20] And frankly, on the outside, watching who he dates, who he picks, why he picks them. It's no wonder there's drama. No wonder he never wants to date again.

[00:16:29] It hasn't gone well, but he hasn't learned to do it differently.

[00:16:32] We talked about not unpacking. Why do women and men, we both do this. Why do we not always, but sometimes go back to the same thing?

[00:16:41] And you just talked about that, the same type of person, the same circumstance. It's almost like a magnet.

[00:16:48] Yeah, it is. It's totally a magnet. And I speak universe here where I totally believe as humans, the universe, spirit, God, fill in the blank, whatever works for you, that we're given these experiences to grow.

[00:17:02] So yay for growing, but do we want to keep having the same crazy scenario? It's like we want to learn the lesson, right?

[00:17:11] We want to learn the lesson so we don't keep magnetizing the same frigging person.

[00:17:16] So why do we keep doing that? Again, we haven't figured out how to stop, so we keep doing it.

[00:17:24] And what is that truly about? And that comes into the blind spots or what I call the shadow work.

[00:17:30] What have you learned through your life that has you acting in a certain way?

[00:17:37] And I'm going to get really specific here. So for example, when I got married and I'm way out of my marriage, I think 14 years now. Wow.

[00:17:44] So I've been out of my marriage for 14 years, but I was married for 20 years.

[00:17:48] I joke, but it's not a joke. I married my mother was very, yep. And that's what we do.

[00:17:54] We marry or we are, we attract the people and the energy and the personalities that we have unresolved shit to resolve.

[00:18:03] So my mother was very controlling, had a lot of fear. I had to be so perfect in so many ways. Otherwise, I felt unloved.

[00:18:13] So on some level, I wanted my mother's approval. I wanted to feel safe. I didn't feel safe with her because I always felt judged.

[00:18:21] So why would I marry someone just like her? Seems crazy. It was so painful as a kid because I wanted to figure it out.

[00:18:31] I wanted to truly on some unconscious level, get the love of my mom. And so what did I do? I drew in, I magnetized a person that was highly controlling, ran a lot of fear, had me walking on eggshells.

[00:18:45] I own that as my behavior to get to get to a place where I could grow, which is what I learned through shadow work, to be able to say, hey, this isn't working for me.

[00:18:59] You need to love me for who I am. I'm not perfect. And this over-controlling me walking on eggshells is not how I want to be.

[00:19:08] So I needed to work through that. And I did it in the marriage and with a shadow work facilitator helping me see these patterns.

[00:19:18] So again, in a nutshell, anything that's not healed inside of us from the past, relationships from the past, ouches from the past.

[00:19:28] If there is a story underneath saying, I'm not good enough unless I'm not able to speak up or else, like anything that's underneath the surface of I'm in danger unless I am like this, then we need to heal that.

[00:19:44] And if we don't heal it, we're going to keep, the universe is going to keep going. Here's another opportunity to heal that. Here's another opportunity to heal that.

[00:19:51] And that's why people just keep repeating the same patterns over and over until they either start working with me or someone else that can get beyond the conscious mind, or they just make such a big change in their life.

[00:20:03] And typically it's like, I don't want to go out with anybody anymore. So do the healing, empty out the U-Haul before you go to the next relationship and bring a carry on.

[00:20:12] It can be so much more healthy and different and extraordinary when you do the inner work.

[00:20:19] So something down that same lines, why, and not me, of course, because I didn't do this. Heck no.

[00:20:27] Why do people look for or they find the project? That's on the same lines, different.

[00:20:34] Yeah.

[00:20:35] People love a project. What is up with that?

[00:20:38] They love it for one aspect. Okay. So, well, let's talk this out because you asked the question. Let me just see what comes out of my mouth.

[00:20:45] Sometimes I'm like, is there really one thing?

[00:21:16] Yep.

[00:21:18] That you want to help somebody and support them and take on, as you say, a project. Nothing wrong with that.

[00:21:26] However, if underneath it from, I just want to help someone is, oh, then I'll feel like I have value.

[00:21:35] Then I'll feel like, then I matter to them and I'm important.

[00:21:38] If there's that insecure place of, I don't have value unless I come to this relationship and make a difference.

[00:21:49] Then again, it's coming from a place of lack, unhealthiness, shadow versus, yeah, let me, hey, let's shoot the shit around this.

[00:22:00] Let's see if we can help each other out.

[00:22:01] Like I do with my partner.

[00:22:02] We're not coming from lack.

[00:22:04] We're coming from service to support each other.

[00:22:06] Not because we feel like, oh my God, I need to change him because then I'll feel valuable and they'll be better for me too.

[00:22:14] That's another one.

[00:22:14] So again, it comes back to the confidence and believing in yourself because here's the thing.

[00:22:20] If you know your value, if you true, and again, with the men that have had over-controlling drama queens, there might be that hesitation to call in somebody and attract somebody very different because now you feel like maybe on some level you don't have what it takes.

[00:22:42] You've been raked over the coals and you might be scared that on some level, usually unconscious, you're not good enough.

[00:22:49] So you might find somebody that is very different than your ex still going to land in the same place.

[00:22:58] I'm not good enough.

[00:23:00] So let me show up differently.

[00:23:01] Went a little all over the place there, but ultimately we're going to call in.

[00:23:05] Yeah.

[00:23:05] We're going to, we're going to attract somebody from the place that we're being.

[00:23:09] So if you want something different, you need to show up differently.

[00:23:14] So if you're feeling lack or low self-esteem in some way, and again, this is not conscious.

[00:23:21] Most of the time it's not conscious that 95% of our brain is unconscious.

[00:23:26] And that's the work I help people with, which is what's truly running your love life.

[00:23:33] And, and so, yeah, the fixer upper same for women.

[00:23:37] My God, so many women are like, and I used to do this too.

[00:23:39] It's like I'm married or not married.

[00:23:42] Excuse me.

[00:23:42] I dated lots of potentials.

[00:23:44] Oh, this is good.

[00:23:46] I'm going to help him with this.

[00:23:47] I felt like I had value.

[00:23:49] I also felt important and better than him.

[00:23:54] And if I felt better and more important than him, I felt safer, but it was fake.

[00:24:00] It just wasn't real.

[00:24:02] What's a good, I can't find the word.

[00:24:05] What's a good time to let somebody go?

[00:24:07] There we go.

[00:24:08] What's a, what's some of the, not the reasons, but how does a person feel when they need to

[00:24:13] get out of their relationship or when they should get that relationship?

[00:24:16] There we go.

[00:24:17] Yeah.

[00:24:18] Yeah.

[00:24:18] That's such a tricky question because everybody's got their journey.

[00:24:22] And again, a common story I hear from many people is I stayed too long.

[00:24:26] Oh my God.

[00:24:27] I did it too.

[00:24:27] I tried everything.

[00:24:29] I would like literally pound on my husband's chest.

[00:24:32] Don't you see that we're falling to pieces?

[00:24:34] We need help for years.

[00:24:36] And I tried everything and it was exhausting.

[00:24:38] So on the one hand, we leave when we're ready to leave.

[00:24:42] There are, there are, sometimes we just have to get to that rock bottom place.

[00:24:46] And then sometimes you don't.

[00:24:47] And sometimes people just suck it up and have a slow death.

[00:24:52] Yes.

[00:24:53] And it's painful.

[00:24:55] However, when to truly leave, and again, it's a personal choice.

[00:25:00] It's a spiritual journey.

[00:25:02] It's all of that.

[00:25:03] If you're in pain, if it's not working for you, if this is hurting you, and I'm not talking

[00:25:10] about abuse, obviously, if it's something literally abusive, then, you know, get some

[00:25:14] help, right?

[00:25:15] Get some help.

[00:25:15] But if you're in a relationship and it is just a struggle and you're really not happy,

[00:25:21] then I always say, again, get some help because perspective truly will support you and realize

[00:25:28] your life matters.

[00:25:29] How much?

[00:25:30] And the question is, how much longer do you want to endure the pain, the dysfunction?

[00:25:36] What's, and here's something that I work with my clients with.

[00:25:39] We use the word risk because risk may or may not happen.

[00:25:43] So you could ask yourself, what's risky if I leave?

[00:25:48] And you might say, then I may not know if he will change.

[00:25:51] What's risky about that?

[00:25:53] Or I should say she, because we're talking to guys.

[00:25:55] You know, if you're thinking of leaving, what's risky about leaving?

[00:25:58] I might lose her and then I don't get to be with her.

[00:26:01] What's risky about that?

[00:26:02] I love her.

[00:26:03] And I don't know if I'll find anybody else to be with and be with.

[00:26:06] Even though we have all these problems, I still love her.

[00:26:09] What's risky about never finding somebody else?

[00:26:11] I might be alone forever.

[00:26:13] And then I'm not going to have love.

[00:26:14] You just drill down and then I'm going to feel alone and all that stuff.

[00:26:17] What's risky if you stay?

[00:26:18] There's so much drama.

[00:26:19] I'm not happy.

[00:26:20] What's risky about enduring that?

[00:26:23] It's painful.

[00:26:24] We're mean to each other.

[00:26:25] So you go in both directions and neither direction is going to be like, oh, okay, that's the direction

[00:26:30] to go in general.

[00:26:31] And then you sit with it and then you look at what needs to happen inside of you to make

[00:26:36] a good choice, a healthy choice.

[00:26:39] So if on the one hand, you're like, if I leave her, I might never have love again.

[00:26:45] Where did you get that belief?

[00:26:47] And what needs to happen inside of you to love yourself, to create a life filled with love

[00:26:52] and find somebody that's different than her, healthier.

[00:26:55] And the same thing, if you stay and you endure this pain and dysfunction, what do you need inside

[00:27:03] of yourself to be able to have a different experience with her?

[00:27:07] Because it can be less painful.

[00:27:09] You can thrive in a different way if you have the chops.

[00:27:13] So you look at where you're at, what you want, and then you can make some decisions.

[00:27:18] If you don't make a decision, whether you stay or whether you go, then you're going to

[00:27:23] continue to create the same reality because you haven't changed and gotten support.

[00:27:29] Did that make sense?

[00:27:30] Yep.

[00:27:31] Oh, yeah.

[00:27:31] Speak to the fact that a lot of guys and women stay in marriages just for the kids.

[00:27:38] I'm not a proponent of that, of course.

[00:27:40] It's so tricky.

[00:27:41] I think you're showing your kids how to stay in a negative relationship, basically.

[00:27:48] Yeah.

[00:27:48] Yeah.

[00:27:49] It's such a hard one because, all right, I'm just going to like just share truthfully here.

[00:27:56] I made the decision to leave because it was volatile.

[00:27:59] I made the decision to leave because there was a lot going on that was dysfunctional and

[00:28:04] I was concerned for my kid and I was concerned for me.

[00:28:07] And we left when he was 14 and I have to be honest with you, it did not go well.

[00:28:15] It didn't go well in a lot of reasons and I'm not going to go into specifics, but he

[00:28:19] was in 14 vulnerable and I still going back in time.

[00:28:24] If I look at it, I still would have done the exact same thing, but it wasn't like, oh,

[00:28:28] that was the best thing for him.

[00:28:31] He's going to learn all these things and now he's not going to see the dysfunction between

[00:28:34] us.

[00:28:35] There's no perfect way to do it.

[00:28:38] However, and so that's the cautionary tale, right?

[00:28:41] Just because you leave and they don't see the dysfunction doesn't mean it's going to

[00:28:47] be a better scenario.

[00:28:49] We had some pretty heavy shit that went down because I left and he had his challenges.

[00:28:54] My kid had some challenges.

[00:28:55] So I truly believe that making the best choice for your kid is showing them healthy, strong,

[00:29:07] healthy.

[00:29:08] Let me underline that.

[00:29:09] Healthy parents that make a decision to separate and to get the help to do it well.

[00:29:16] And this is where it's tricky because how many people can do it well without blaming, throwing

[00:29:21] the other person under the bus with the guilt and the shame and the anger after the breakup.

[00:29:27] It's so complicated.

[00:29:28] It just really is.

[00:29:29] But as I'm speaking out loud, because we're just having a conversation here, I do truly

[00:29:35] believe that it's not the greatest for the kid to see dysfunction in a relationship.

[00:29:43] To do the separation in a healthy, conscious way.

[00:29:47] They get to see strong parenting for them and a healthier relationship dynamic.

[00:29:53] But it's not always a walk in the park.

[00:29:55] It's just people are complicated, right?

[00:29:58] People are complicated.

[00:29:59] So you got a guy just got divorced.

[00:30:03] He's sitting at home, doesn't have his kids.

[00:30:06] What are the three things you can tell him to get him sparked to heal more completely, faster?

[00:30:14] It doesn't really matter.

[00:30:15] But what are the things you can do to get him going?

[00:30:18] What's some of your advice you could tell him to get him going?

[00:30:22] Yeah.

[00:30:22] First, before any advice, I just want to just send my heart out to you who's sitting there

[00:30:29] going, what's next for me?

[00:30:32] You might have the belief, I just lost my family or I don't have my kids with me the way I used

[00:30:37] to or everything that I thought was going to happen isn't happening.

[00:30:40] So there's something to be said about being with what is and allowing yourself to feel what

[00:30:47] you need to feel.

[00:30:48] And that's not necessarily an easy thing for men because you guys haven't been taught to

[00:30:53] just sit in your feelings or express your feelings, right?

[00:30:56] Not even.

[00:30:56] Yeah.

[00:30:57] So the first thing I would say is to take a beat and do some reflection on all the things

[00:31:09] you've learned about love and relationships, what your hurts are, what your wishes, I wish I could

[00:31:16] a woulda shoulda, just to really allow yourself to be with what you've learned from your past

[00:31:21] and to give yourself permission, really give yourself permission to feel the ouch of this

[00:31:28] isn't what I expected or now I feel like I've screwed up or I've lost every whatever it is.

[00:31:35] I mean, give yourself permission to just be with your truth in this moment.

[00:31:41] Wow.

[00:31:42] Yeah.

[00:31:43] Yeah.

[00:31:43] Most people don't give themselves that beat.

[00:31:47] And it's a hard place sometimes to just sit with instead of just jumping to the next

[00:31:52] relationship or for men, I want to get online because there's all these hot chicks and I can

[00:31:56] just go and have some fun without all the drama.

[00:31:59] Yeah.

[00:32:00] Yeah.

[00:32:00] And hey, that can last for a little bit or even a longer bit.

[00:32:04] But to ask yourself next, what truly would you be your ideal next chapter?

[00:32:12] Sit with that.

[00:32:13] Again, you might go into the, well, I don't want this and I don't want this and I don't

[00:32:17] want this.

[00:32:18] That's typically where people start.

[00:32:19] And I invite you to look at your I don't want list and imagine and paint a picture of

[00:32:26] if I could have the ideal, because why not?

[00:32:30] I have it.

[00:32:31] You can have it.

[00:32:31] If you can just take a moment and go, this is the kind of relationship I want.

[00:32:37] This is the kind of partner I want.

[00:32:39] This is how I want to feel in a relationship.

[00:32:43] This is the kind of woman I want to experience life with.

[00:32:46] Take a beat and dream a bit about your ideal relationship.

[00:32:51] Again, not necessarily an easy feat when no one has taught you how to actually believe

[00:32:58] it's possible because you've had all the experiences that say you can't have that permission to feel

[00:33:04] and look at what's happened.

[00:33:07] Dream, focus, and build your North Star of what you truly want.

[00:33:12] And then I have to say, and I stand for this over and over, and I put a stake in the ground for this,

[00:33:20] get help, whether it's me or someone else that can support you, hold you accountable,

[00:33:28] show you things that you're not seeing because you can only see so much on your own,

[00:33:34] and help you rebuild a new way of looking at relationship.

[00:33:40] Because if your belief is all women are this, that, and whatever, that is what you're going to create,

[00:33:46] and that is what you're going to avoid, and that is what you're going to experience.

[00:33:50] If you build a new reality, and that's crazy, right?

[00:33:54] Build a new reality, what do you mean?

[00:33:56] If you want something different, you need to be different.

[00:34:01] You need to think different.

[00:34:02] You need to show up differently.

[00:34:03] And having some accountability and somebody, not just a life coach,

[00:34:08] because life coaches, nothing bad with them.

[00:34:10] They're great.

[00:34:11] They're going to help you move forward in lots of ways.

[00:34:14] I'm talking about helping people, having people help you release, let go,

[00:34:20] and heal the beliefs you've picked up along the way,

[00:34:24] like a shadow worker.

[00:34:25] Shine a light on what is going on inside of you,

[00:34:28] and reclaim the truth of who you are,

[00:34:33] and the potential of what you can call in.

[00:34:38] Get some help.

[00:34:39] And men, guys, I know you weren't taught to reach out for help,

[00:34:44] but you hire people for your businesses.

[00:34:47] You hire people.

[00:34:48] You go to doctors and ask them for help for their expertise sometimes, right?

[00:34:54] How many people come to your office and you're like,

[00:34:57] whoa, when was the last time you had your teeth cleaned?

[00:34:59] Take a beat and ask yourself,

[00:35:00] what is so risky about asking somebody to help you?

[00:35:05] And where did you learn that it was unsafe to be a little vulnerable

[00:35:09] and go, I don't know this.

[00:35:12] We're not meant to do this journey alone.

[00:35:14] And men have been taught that you're on your own.

[00:35:17] Do something different.

[00:35:18] You'll have a different experience.

[00:35:21] All right, Junie.

[00:35:22] Let's go to the park again.

[00:35:23] Two for two, baby.

[00:35:24] Two for two.

[00:35:26] Where can my men find you on the internet?

[00:35:29] Yes.

[00:35:30] I'm all over the place.

[00:35:31] The best place to go is just go to my website because it has everything.

[00:35:34] My website is midlifeloveoutloud.com.

[00:35:40] Midlife, because anything over 40, I'm calling midlifeloveoutloud.com.

[00:35:45] I have a podcast that's filled with information.

[00:35:48] You can see that there.

[00:35:49] And you could even grab a call with me.

[00:35:52] I give complimentary love breakthrough calls where you and I can sit on Zoom and really look

[00:35:59] at what has been your experience?

[00:36:01] What have you learned?

[00:36:02] What are you potentially afraid might happen again?

[00:36:04] Let's break those patterns.

[00:36:06] Let's move you forward.

[00:36:07] It's an opportunity to look at your love map.

[00:36:10] You will walk away with some good next steps.

[00:36:12] And if it feels like a fit to do more work together, we could talk about it.

[00:36:16] I would love to talk to you and support you with what you may not know is possible.

[00:36:21] So yeah, midlifeloveoutloud.com.

[00:36:23] That's my handle everywhere.

[00:36:25] Okay.

[00:36:26] All right, Junie.

[00:36:28] Man, that was fun again.

[00:36:29] I'll have Rachel look at this one.

[00:36:31] She's going to be jealous.

[00:36:33] Maybe she'll start her own podcast.

[00:36:35] Who knows?

[00:36:36] You're amazing, David.

[00:36:37] And I love the work that you're doing.

[00:36:39] And men need help.

[00:36:41] Women need help.

[00:36:41] And the most important thing is we need to learn how to work together because at the end

[00:36:45] of the day, we are different.

[00:36:46] We're different.

[00:36:47] I just interviewed on my podcast, Dr. John Gray, who wrote the book, Men Are From Mars,

[00:36:52] Women Are From Venus.

[00:36:53] Great interview.

[00:36:54] At the end of the day, we are wired differently.

[00:36:58] And there are ways for us to come together and have bliss on earth.

[00:37:03] We just haven't been taught how to do that.

[00:37:05] And it's learnable.

[00:37:06] So let's learn it.

[00:37:07] Hold on the mic.

[00:37:09] We're going to sign off, but don't go anywhere.

[00:37:12] And I want to thank everybody.

[00:37:14] Have a good night.

[00:37:14] Thanks for listening.