Unlocking and Unleashing the Hero Inside of You in Your Divorce Recovery - Mark Collins || DPTSP #063 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome everybody out there to Don't Pick The SCAB PODCAST. We have Mark Collins on the line. He has a website, Freedom For Life You Unleashed. He'll equip you to accelerate your success, maximize your purpose and unleash the hero inside of you in your profession, relationships and life. This is a men's over 40 divorce recovery podcast. And we're going to see how Mark can help some of you guys with some of your things that's going on in your lives and go from there.

[00:00:28] So go and tell us a little bit about yourself, Mark, and I have a couple of questions for you.

[00:00:44] Welcome to the Don't Pick The SCAB PODCAST with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce.

[00:00:57] Hey David, thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. I tell people if they want to know what I do, I tell them that I, what I do is I help men to unlock and unleash their hero in hiding in their business and their relationships alive.

[00:01:09] And so for me, my passion and my desire is to really see people live out what is our two mandates that we have in my course Life Mastery.

[00:01:16] It's to help you understand who you're created to be so you can have the life that you're created for.

[00:01:19] A lot of times the people that I work with, whether they're super successful or they're down on their luck or somewhere in between,

[00:01:25] they have a life that they're living and they have the life that they want to live.

[00:01:29] The one that has more of the excitement, more of the fulfillment, more of the success, more of the things that they think they're supposed to have.

[00:01:36] And they wonder why they're not getting there.

[00:01:38] And so for us, we start to unlock some of those things that are standing in the way, some things that were standing in the way in my life.

[00:01:44] So I created the foundation Freedom for Life and the course Life Mastery and the book that's over my shoulder, Life Mastery, Living Life by Design, Not By Default.

[00:01:52] Not because I had a great idea for other guys to live out, but because I was living it out myself trying to figure out how I could see the man that I was believing I could be actually show up in life,

[00:02:03] whether it was in relationship to my wife, at my job, my business, as I created businesses and the rest of my life.

[00:02:09] So I've been spending all my time investing passionately and seeing other guys do the same.

[00:02:15] Yeah.

[00:02:15] What are some of the things that you recommend?

[00:02:17] And I'm a big self-care guy.

[00:02:19] I think men in general don't take care of themselves.

[00:02:24] It's almost like when the plane's going down, you're supposed to put your mask on first and you're doing your kids.

[00:02:28] And men do the opposite.

[00:02:30] They want to take care of everybody else and then take care of themselves in the end.

[00:02:33] So what are some of the things you could suggest to men that are going through a tough time in order to start some self-care?

[00:02:40] Yeah, that's a great question, David.

[00:02:42] I think for me, one of the strategies that we use is mastering your thoughts.

[00:02:47] And what I tell the people that I work with is who you think you are, you'll become.

[00:02:51] And so the things that I focus on, the things that I think about, the things that I'm all over my mind will eventually become the life that I'm living.

[00:02:59] So if I think that things are going badly or things are going wrong, it doesn't mean that challenges don't happen.

[00:03:03] Challenges happen to us in many different circumstances, many different ways.

[00:03:07] But the thing is, what are you focusing on in the midst of it?

[00:03:10] In a lot of times with guys, we're looking outward of ourselves to try and prove an inward work.

[00:03:16] If everything's okay, if my family's all right, if I'm making enough money, if we are taking the vacations we want, then my life is good.

[00:03:23] I'm getting that promotion or starting that business and succeeding, whatever it is.

[00:03:26] And the challenge is, you can't look outwardly to understand your identity.

[00:03:31] You have to look inwardly.

[00:03:32] And what I mean is that if I don't understand who I am, my world has to make up the difference in that place.

[00:03:38] So I rise and fall with the moods, with the outcomes, with the things that are happening.

[00:03:42] So if I'm getting in a fight with my wife or my ex-wife, now all of a sudden I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm questioning my life, I don't know what's going on, right?

[00:03:50] When you don't know who you are, it's like riding a wave.

[00:03:53] My family lives in Hawaii and I was out on the waves, not necessarily surfing.

[00:03:58] I'm not that guy.

[00:03:59] When the waves go up, you're up.

[00:04:01] When they go down, you go down.

[00:04:02] And so for self-care, the first thing is this, who are you apart from the things that you're going through?

[00:04:07] If I can understand who I am, I'm a person of faith.

[00:04:10] With me, it all starts with who you're created to be.

[00:04:12] If you can understand who you're created to be, it doesn't change your circumstance, but it changes you in your circumstance.

[00:04:18] In that place, you're able to show up as the person that you are, the person that I'm created to be with confidence that I'm going to have the answers to the circumstance.

[00:04:25] I'm going to weather the storm.

[00:04:26] I'm going to be able to get through the issue.

[00:04:28] Versus I tell people this, you're the answer to the circumstance you're walking into.

[00:04:32] You're not the question to be figured out.

[00:04:34] A lot of times in our life, we think that we're the question to be figured out.

[00:04:38] Am I going to be able to do this?

[00:04:39] Am I going to be able to get through this?

[00:04:40] Am I going to have an answer to this?

[00:04:42] The truth of the matter is, when you start with identity, you already start with understanding that I'm the answer.

[00:04:46] If I start anywhere else, I'm trying to use things to prove who I am.

[00:04:51] We talked about self-care, and the cousin of self-care for me is self-confidence.

[00:04:57] They go hand in hand.

[00:04:59] How do you help men project or help them project that or increase that?

[00:05:05] That's a great question.

[00:05:07] I hate to give the same answer to multiple questions, but it all comes down to identity.

[00:05:11] It comes down to who you are.

[00:05:12] Here's the thing I tell people.

[00:05:14] The very beginning of our conversations always start like this.

[00:05:17] You're either living from who you're created to be or what your life has told you.

[00:05:20] I'm not talking about your current circumstance, but your past.

[00:05:23] Come to find out I am who I am today because of two reasons.

[00:05:26] What my life has told me, the experiences I've walked through, successes, failures, challenges, issues,

[00:05:31] all of the great things, all of the bad things, or I'm living from who I'm created to be.

[00:05:36] In that place, the more I understand who I am, the more I'm confident of who I am walking into those circumstances.

[00:05:41] I'm not trying to show up to prove who I am.

[00:05:44] I'm showing up and bringing solutions because of who I am.

[00:05:47] What I mean is this.

[00:05:48] When I understand who I am, I understand that there's a life and an impact that I'm supposed to have.

[00:05:53] And so when I start with identity, I understand that I am that answer.

[00:05:57] Again, that's walking into the circumstances.

[00:05:59] So it's really not self-confidence.

[00:06:01] It's literally this.

[00:06:02] What I tell people is life mastery, which is the course, but also the goal.

[00:06:05] It is the easiest life possible because it literally is this me living from who I'm created to be at the highest level.

[00:06:12] I'm created for in every area of life.

[00:06:14] Sounds amazing, right?

[00:06:15] The alternative is life management, which means that I'm trying my very best to succeed in all the areas of my life

[00:06:21] to show that I'm somebody of worth and value, whether it's in my relationship or with people around me.

[00:06:26] Here's the truth of the matter, David.

[00:06:28] When I'm showing up as who I'm created to be, I don't have to measure up to anybody.

[00:06:32] I don't have to prove I'm somebody else.

[00:06:34] If I'm confident in who I am, I'm not trying to show you I'm better than you think I am.

[00:06:38] I'm not trying to show you that I'm the guy that's the one that you should pick,

[00:06:41] the one that you should listen to, the one that should get the promotion.

[00:06:44] I literally am coming in understanding that I've already created everything that I need to.

[00:06:49] The sidebar to that, or I should say the secondary question that a lot of people have is,

[00:06:53] well, I need to know what's my calling?

[00:06:55] What's my purpose?

[00:06:56] What's the thing I'm supposed to do?

[00:06:57] What's the important thing that I'm supposed to have?

[00:06:59] And I tell people this, it's not the thing you do.

[00:07:02] It's who you are.

[00:07:04] There's a chapter in my book and there's a session in my course as well.

[00:07:07] The title gives away the whole lesson.

[00:07:09] It's this, your characters, your calling.

[00:07:12] A lot of times we're looking for that promotion or that position or that title or that pat on the back

[00:07:17] to prove that we're a person of value and worth.

[00:07:19] I've been there myself.

[00:07:20] In my life mastery journey, as I told you, I'm not teaching.

[00:07:24] I'm not giving it.

[00:07:25] I'm not investing it in other people.

[00:07:27] I'm not mentoring and coaching because it's great for them.

[00:07:30] It was what I needed and I needed to live out in my own life to have the transformation I desire.

[00:07:34] In that place, you start to understand it's not a title that you have.

[00:07:38] It's the person that you live out.

[00:07:40] And so when you're able to do that, when you're able to show up as a person, when you're able to walk in and understand who you are,

[00:07:45] we have tools and strategies to help you to hone that and refine that and figure that out.

[00:07:50] But when you're able to walk in as that person, now it's not really self-confidence.

[00:07:53] It's self-assurance because I can't blow it just being me.

[00:08:00] That's where you're supposed to be.

[00:08:01] So the past, what's interesting here about this podcast, the past eight or nine out of 10 podcasts, it's always come down to your past.

[00:08:11] And I didn't realize how important or how big of a play your past plays.

[00:08:18] And then every one of you guys have talked about, it's almost like you're trying to disconnect from your past and maybe light a fuse in order.

[00:08:28] To project someplace else.

[00:08:30] But your past is so important.

[00:08:33] And this is interesting because you're like the ninth or eighth one in the road that's talked about past.

[00:08:39] And I never thought looking backwards to go forward.

[00:08:42] Yeah, it's interesting because there's a paradox, right?

[00:08:45] To be able to look back and recognize the things that you've walked through.

[00:08:48] And for us, it's in that place of healing from those things.

[00:08:51] And I'm sure some of your other conversations were around that as well.

[00:08:54] The challenge is that a lot of people look in their past to give them an excuse for their present and determine their future.

[00:09:00] What I mean is, oh, I can't succeed because or I can't have a good relationship because or I can't have that business because or whatever the thing is that we're doing.

[00:09:08] So you're absolutely right.

[00:09:10] There's only two ways you can look at your life and who you are in your life.

[00:09:13] It really isn't the circumstance around me, but who I am in the circumstance.

[00:09:17] And in that place, again, identity either comes from one of two places who I'm created to be or what my life has told me I am.

[00:09:23] So for me, if I was to give an example in my own life, early on in my life, my father was in the military.

[00:09:30] And it was back in the day when you would be traveling to other places.

[00:09:33] So they called it TDY, which in the military means that they need your skill set and your job somewhere else.

[00:09:39] And so they're going to have you go somewhere else for days, weeks or months at a time.

[00:09:43] For him, it was months at a time.

[00:09:45] And we were all young children at the time.

[00:09:46] I had three sisters and myself.

[00:09:48] So my mom was left to care for the household, the finances and everything because my father was in another country in the military.

[00:09:55] And in that time, it was something that she wasn't able to really manage well.

[00:09:59] And so she actually had a nervous breakdown and was committed to a mental hospital for a period of time.

[00:10:04] So this young person, I was, I think, six or seven years old at the time.

[00:10:09] My father's gone away, right?

[00:10:10] Your security, your safety has left.

[00:10:12] And he's definitely not there.

[00:10:13] We communicated back in the day.

[00:10:15] It was with cassette tapes.

[00:10:16] We would talk to him in cassette tapes, tell him how we are.

[00:10:19] It was way back in the day.

[00:10:21] Send them to him.

[00:10:22] He would send back tapes telling us how we're talking about his life and what was going on and the things he was doing.

[00:10:26] But anyway, so my mother was committed to a mental hospital for a period of time.

[00:10:31] So my three siblings and myself are there.

[00:10:33] Our father is gone.

[00:10:34] Security and safety has left.

[00:10:36] Love and care and compassion is left because my mother's gone.

[00:10:38] Too young to really know what was going on, but we knew that she wasn't doing well.

[00:10:42] And some people came and took her away.

[00:10:44] So at that same time, one of the other things that happened was we had family members who were going to take care of us until my father was able to come back home from that foreign country.

[00:10:53] But they didn't have the finances.

[00:10:55] We weren't wealthy family.

[00:10:56] So each one of them took one of the siblings.

[00:10:59] Wow.

[00:11:00] So now each one of us, mother's gone, father's gone, and everybody else we know in our household is gone.

[00:11:06] And you're there with relatives you barely know trying to figure out what life looks like.

[00:11:10] So for that young man, what I found out in my life, again, looking back to be healed, to move forward, there was an identity statement that I created at that time.

[00:11:18] Didn't know it until I grew up, became an adult and started walking through my own life mastery journey.

[00:11:21] The identity statement was this, people who love me, leave me.

[00:11:26] It wasn't something I recognized or understood, but it was a response to the circumstance I was walking in.

[00:11:32] A young person, very young, unable to understand what was going on, creating a definition of it and why he was lacking in everybody he knew who loved him.

[00:11:40] And so I imagine what happens when you become a teenager, you become a young adult, and you have relationships that aren't working out really well.

[00:11:46] And you're not getting along and they may not last very long.

[00:11:50] What are the emotions that are coming up?

[00:11:51] What is the understanding that's coming up when you think that people who love me leave me?

[00:11:55] And there's anxiety, there's worry, there's issues that are happening.

[00:11:58] And so what we do in the course is we definitely look back with an understanding of what's the identity statement.

[00:12:03] It's never the circumstance, David.

[00:12:05] We have great circumstances.

[00:12:07] We have horrible circumstances and anywhere in between.

[00:12:09] The challenge isn't the circumstance that you're walking through, recognizing that some of them are bad and some of them are good.

[00:12:15] And the difference is what's the meaning that you give the circumstance.

[00:12:18] And really for us and what we do in Life Mastery is what's the identity statement that you say?

[00:12:23] What's the identity statement that you take away from it?

[00:12:25] And how are you using that in relationships and decisions and actions and outcomes for that point forward?

[00:12:32] Apart from a transformational journey, the only thing you can do is use your past to determine your present and create your future.

[00:12:39] And so in that place, the past matters a lot.

[00:12:42] But what I tell people at the end of the day is we never tell you that your past doesn't matter, that just get over it.

[00:12:48] It doesn't go on.

[00:12:48] We all try to do that.

[00:12:49] And then, you know, that works out, David.

[00:12:51] It doesn't.

[00:12:51] The only person who doesn't know it doesn't work out is the guy who's trying to walk through it like that.

[00:12:56] Everybody else around him sees the outcomes of him just trying to get over it or act like it doesn't matter.

[00:13:02] So we don't tell you to get over it and that it doesn't matter.

[00:13:04] What we desire for you to do is to not allow it to tell you who you are anymore.

[00:13:09] Man, what are some of the ways that people can set realistic, achievable goals through your course?

[00:13:17] Let's say that you're trying to hit goal one.

[00:13:20] How can you make it realistic and keep it achievable?

[00:13:25] Yeah, that's a great question.

[00:13:26] And I think for us, we don't start with goals.

[00:13:28] We start with creating a framework of identity and understanding who you are.

[00:13:32] It doesn't mean you don't.

[00:13:34] I'm divorced and I want to have a new relationship or I want to have a quality relationship with my kids.

[00:13:39] None of the things matter.

[00:13:40] Or I should say none of the things don't matter.

[00:13:42] The challenge with them is that we don't come in saying, okay, if I do steps A, B, and C, then I'm going to have this outcome.

[00:13:48] Because typically what you're doing is you're just changing enough to try and get the thing.

[00:13:52] And so for us, the thing that we try and do is start to unpack a whole new way of thinking.

[00:13:57] Obviously, for the people that are listening to this, watching this, and myself in my own life, you are where you're at because of the decisions you've made and the actions you've taken.

[00:14:05] And so we're not trying to change those things so that we have a superficial change in our life.

[00:14:10] But we're trying to give a mindset shift to understand maybe there's a different way of living.

[00:14:14] There's a reason, David, why my book is titled Life Mastery, Living Life by Design, Not by Default.

[00:14:20] Most people, most of the time, frankly, honestly, everybody I know, apart from a transformational journey, is living by default.

[00:14:26] And what I mean is you're walking through the circumstances of your life and you're doing your very best to cope, to bring strategies, to try and figure out how to get the best life that you can.

[00:14:36] And so maybe you've gone through a divorce, you've gone through some challenges, you have some racial strife in your life, and you're trying to figure out, okay, how do I manage this?

[00:14:43] How do I make it better?

[00:14:44] How do I overcome this thing that's happening in my life?

[00:14:46] And a lot of that is living by default, which means that you don't realize that there's an ability you have to create a different life instead of just manage the one that you have.

[00:14:55] And so for us, it starts with identity.

[00:14:57] Who are you created to be?

[00:14:58] The person that you're created to be is what matters more than what you're doing.

[00:15:02] Because if I'm living from my life like that older man, that adult, that older adult was in relationships, still having an identity back from his childhood that says, people who love me, leave me.

[00:15:11] And so when you get into a marital issue, when you get into a fight, now all of a sudden there's panic, there's worry, there's anxiousness because I know what the outcome is supposed to be.

[00:15:20] But when you change who you are, when you understand that, again, walking back into that circumstance, that young man wasn't somebody who wasn't loved.

[00:15:28] He just had a parent who couldn't cope with her life in the way that she did.

[00:15:31] It wasn't an identity statement and a value statement about her son.

[00:15:34] And it was just a coping mechanism that wasn't working in the life that she was living.

[00:15:40] And so it needed to be addressed in her life.

[00:15:41] And it was, and she recovered and she was able to come back home.

[00:15:45] And so in that place, the identity statement is you're still a person worth loving who's just experiencing a sad circumstance of somebody you care, walking through something challenging in their life.

[00:15:56] The trajectory of your life changes when you start to understand the truth.

[00:16:00] And so first, it's not outcomes and trying to get something better in my life.

[00:16:03] It's starting to understand who you are, because what we want to do is to give people the ability to unleash who they're created to be.

[00:16:10] Because the goals and the outcomes and the things that you desire are a natural progression from who you're created to be.

[00:16:17] My outcomes don't tell me who I am creates my outcomes.

[00:16:20] And so if we start from the place of you're a man of value and worth, you're a man of character and stability, you're a man of strength and fortitude, you're a man that is valued and worth it.

[00:16:30] Then everything in your life is going to change.

[00:16:33] Then your expectation and your job is going to change because my boss doesn't have to give me every promotion, pat me on the back every time I do something right.

[00:16:40] The value I have is who I'm created to be walking into it, the people I'm in a relationship with.

[00:16:45] I tell people this, David, if I don't know who I am, my wife has to make up the difference, which means that we have to be okay.

[00:16:52] We don't get to fight and everything has to be all right.

[00:16:55] And don't ask me why I'm doing something.

[00:16:57] Don't question me when I'm doing something wrong.

[00:16:58] Again, personal experience.

[00:17:00] But when I know who I'm created to be, then she gets to be who she is.

[00:17:03] And in that place, we have a relationship that is better than we could have ever expected.

[00:17:08] So it's almost like a tree.

[00:17:10] You go to the root.

[00:17:11] You don't go to the branches.

[00:17:12] You go to the center.

[00:17:14] Center.

[00:17:14] How does your program deal with co-parenting or children?

[00:17:19] A lot of men have a hard time with that, like I talked about before, about not controlling what goes on at the ex's house.

[00:17:25] But just some of the problems raising co-parenting kids, things like that.

[00:17:31] What do you think about that?

[00:17:32] Yeah, that can be challenging.

[00:17:35] My wife actually, when we got married 33 years ago this Christmas, I tell people I married into a family because she had two children when I met her.

[00:17:43] And so that co-parenting or step-parenting or any combination of all of those circumstances can be a challenge walking through.

[00:17:51] And so it's interesting because even in that co-parenting issue, there is a challenge of your spouse knew you when.

[00:17:57] And walking through my life mastery journey, the things that I've done over these last years of my life mean that I'm a different man in my marriage and with my children than I was five, ten years ago.

[00:18:08] The challenge is a lot of circumstances, especially in divorce, is that our spouse and our children knew who you were then.

[00:18:14] They don't see the work you're doing now.

[00:18:16] And so the challenge is walking in patience and understanding that who I am is different than who you used to know me to be.

[00:18:23] And so they're responding in the way that you used to, or they're challenging you.

[00:18:27] And there can be those things where they use the kids as a weapon against each other and all of those things that are happening.

[00:18:32] And here's the challenge in all of that.

[00:18:35] Me changing won't change her.

[00:18:38] And the thing that is frustrating is wanting them to change because you are and being frustrated in the midst of it.

[00:18:47] But here's the truth of the matter.

[00:18:50] Who she is and what she responds with and how she wants to interact or use whatever weapons she uses to try and hurt me can only work if I allow it.

[00:19:01] The more I understand who I am, the less I need you to affirm it.

[00:19:06] And the more I allow you to be you.

[00:19:08] So if somebody wants to be crazy, you can be crazy.

[00:19:11] I'm not going to step into the crazy train with you.

[00:19:14] Gotcha.

[00:19:15] And so in that place, hopefully I can bring stability and truth.

[00:19:18] I can bring who I am.

[00:19:19] And in either case, I'm not going into this crazy spiral of you say something, I say something, and it spirals and escalates from there.

[00:19:27] And in that place, hopefully eventually, right?

[00:19:30] We want relationships to change just as quickly as we do.

[00:19:34] But they always lag behind because it takes time for people to catch up with where you're at and who you are and how you've changed in order for them to accept you in that place.

[00:19:44] It's almost like when you have friends, let's say that you're going through your program.

[00:19:48] And it's almost like you have to re not maybe reaffirm.

[00:19:52] But since you're going to be in a different place, your friendship is going to be different.

[00:19:58] Yeah.

[00:19:58] So how do you address that friendship piece?

[00:20:02] That's so interesting, isn't it, David?

[00:20:05] And so I don't want to be harsh.

[00:20:07] But here's the truth of the matter.

[00:20:11] There's a scripture that says this.

[00:20:13] It says, bad character corrupts good character.

[00:20:15] And the challenge with that is being around people who want me to be who I used to be.

[00:20:20] You know, back in the day, we all have had a past.

[00:20:22] Part of my past before I became a Christian was I was somebody who, you know, recreationally did drugs.

[00:20:29] And so like with alcohol or drugs or partying or going out late at night or whatever the thing is, when you stop that thing, your friends don't.

[00:20:37] And they want you to be that person still.

[00:20:40] So whatever it is, when you get married, they want you to be single still, right?

[00:20:44] You want to go hang out with the boys and go do those party nights and all that stuff.

[00:20:47] I can't.

[00:20:48] I've got a relationship now.

[00:20:49] There's a priority system, right?

[00:20:51] And it's the same in your own life, right?

[00:20:52] With the people that you have, whether it's friends or family, that I can value the people I am around, the people I have a relationship with, while also keeping enough distance to be able to be who I am.

[00:21:03] Meaning if I'm close with somebody and I'm moving towards that person that I want to be.

[00:21:08] Many times when you're changing and you're trying to grow as an individual, unfortunately, the people closest to you are the ones who hold you back the most.

[00:21:15] Because they want you to be who you used to be, not who you're going to be.

[00:21:19] And the problem is I'm not going to be that guy anymore.

[00:21:22] So whether it's the things I was doing as a young individual or when I was really trying to grow and become the person that I believed I was created to be.

[00:21:30] There's people who don't want to necessarily have you be there.

[00:21:34] It's neither good or bad.

[00:21:35] It's just where they're at.

[00:21:37] And so for me, it's an understanding of having conversations where you value the relationship, but you let them know that this is something that's important to you.

[00:21:48] And you invite them into that process of, hey, I'm growing, I'm changing.

[00:21:52] I'm not going to go drinking and getting drunk every night or I'm not going to go do this or whatever the thing is that you're doing to change, right?

[00:21:58] I'm not going to be yelling and screaming and cursing the earth and all the things that are happening, all this stuff, right?

[00:22:04] I'm trying to have a more positive outlook in my life.

[00:22:06] And the challenge is that there's others who won't do that.

[00:22:08] And so you need to figure out in your own life what level of relationship do you want to have?

[00:22:13] You're either on the bus or off the bus.

[00:22:15] And it's a, what I tell people in relationships, it's these circles in your life, right?

[00:22:24] There's relational circles I talk about.

[00:22:26] And the closest one to me is my relationship with God.

[00:22:28] And so that was one that's uncompromising and always comes first.

[00:22:31] The second circle outside of that for me is my spouse.

[00:22:35] My wife is the second most important relationship in my life.

[00:22:38] There's nobody else who comes before her.

[00:22:40] I'll always take her phone call.

[00:22:42] I'll always be there for her.

[00:22:43] There's no other relationship where I'll put her on pause so I can have that.

[00:22:47] So she is the priority.

[00:22:49] And the next one outside of that is my children and the family and friends that I'm closest to.

[00:22:54] And what you figure out in your life is the people and the place that they have in your life is dependent on the level of equity that they have in their relationship.

[00:23:02] How much do we align?

[00:23:04] How much are we together?

[00:23:05] How much are we for each other?

[00:23:06] Are we always there to encourage or are there for each other?

[00:23:09] Are we there saying, hey, why are you doing that?

[00:23:10] Why can't you be like this?

[00:23:13] The people that are like that you spend less time with.

[00:23:16] You're less involved with.

[00:23:18] You go to less events with.

[00:23:20] And so there's this natural development and growth in relationship.

[00:23:24] And what I would tell the guys that are listening to this is you need to bet on you and the life that you have.

[00:23:31] And if there's other people who are like, hey, man, I liked it better when you were like that.

[00:23:35] Or, man, why are you trying to change?

[00:23:36] Or you should be doing this.

[00:23:38] You should be doing that.

[00:23:39] And you realize that those are just things that are holding you back, that are keeping you like you used to be versus who you're created to be.

[00:23:45] Then you need to figure out, is that somebody I should probably spend less time with?

[00:23:49] Because your mindset, your thought process, and who you continue to tell yourself you are comes from two things.

[00:23:55] Who you say you are and what everybody else says around you.

[00:23:58] If you're trying to develop and grow and become a person that's value and worth and really living at a level that you desire to.

[00:24:05] You want to be that man.

[00:24:07] You want to show up as that guy.

[00:24:08] And there's other guys who are telling you, nah, man, don't do that.

[00:24:11] Or why do you do that?

[00:24:12] That's dumb.

[00:24:12] Or this or that or the other.

[00:24:14] And maybe those are people that you want to start to pair back your time with for your own health and well-being.

[00:24:22] So when you have guys going through this course or this program, is it more of an aha moment?

[00:24:29] Or is it more like a gradual change?

[00:24:32] People are all different.

[00:24:34] Yeah.

[00:24:34] No, I think that's a great question.

[00:24:36] And I think there's both.

[00:24:37] I tell people this.

[00:24:38] I was in my 60th birthday a couple of weeks ago.

[00:24:45] So you take the first five years out, say that those didn't matter.

[00:24:48] Although here's the truth of the matter.

[00:24:49] Within the first seven years, they find that a young person understands everything they're going to understand about life.

[00:24:56] By the time you're seven years old, you understand your identity, what you believe is your identity.

[00:25:01] What relationship looks like, what trust looks like, what people around you are like.

[00:25:05] And so you develop the structure and the framework.

[00:25:07] But anyways, let's take the first five years out of my life.

[00:25:09] That means I've lived for 55 years.

[00:25:11] And in those 55 years, I've had thoughts, I've had actions, I've had words, I've had all of these things.

[00:25:16] I've had experiences that I've walked through that have given me the understanding of who I am.

[00:25:21] Truth or not, but that's where it's brought.

[00:25:23] If I want to transform to become the person I'm created to be, to walk with assurance and passion and care and love and vibrancy and all of those things and excellency in my life.

[00:25:32] And I haven't been doing that.

[00:25:34] It'd be crazy to think I could do that in a week.

[00:25:37] So what we call it is a life master journey.

[00:25:39] It takes time because it takes time for me to unprogram the lies that I believed and to reprogram the truth that I know.

[00:25:46] And we have some strategies and some tools and things we use to do that.

[00:25:50] But there's some interesting things that are happening.

[00:25:52] So if I was to tell you, David, this one thing that is absolute truth, who you think you are, you'll become.

[00:25:58] Out of all of your life, wherever you're at, where you're at today and where I'm at today is a sum total of the thoughts that I've had.

[00:26:04] Who I believed I could be was the person that I became.

[00:26:07] You'll never be greater than who you believe you can be.

[00:26:10] And you'll never be less than who you'll settle for.

[00:26:13] And in that one truth gives you everything.

[00:26:17] So there's aha moments like that in everything that you do.

[00:26:22] So there's aha moments within it.

[00:26:24] There's a journey to walk through in it.

[00:26:26] And there's strategies to really invest in.

[00:26:27] But I love to see what the people that I work with is those moments when they start to see that guy show up.

[00:26:32] I believe for every guy, there's that hope that this guy on the inside, the guy that I believe I can be, is actually going to show up in my relationships, business, job, life, whatever.

[00:26:43] And when you start to see that guy show up, when stress happens or your ex-wife comes against you,

[00:26:49] and instead of yapping back at her, you're calm and you're cool and you're collected and you're walking with assurance.

[00:26:54] You're not allowing her to bring you down on that crazy train.

[00:26:57] But you're also not being somebody who is a victim from her craziness.

[00:27:02] Now all of a sudden you start to see that guy show up and all of a sudden you start to say, oh, this is working.

[00:27:07] I'm becoming that guy.

[00:27:08] It's a journey to get there.

[00:27:10] There's aha moments along the way.

[00:27:11] And the great moments are those moments where you say, hey, I am showing up as that guy.

[00:27:15] The guy I believe I am.

[00:27:17] As I said before, unleashing and unlocking that hero and hiding.

[00:27:20] When you see that hero show up in your job, in your life, in your relationships, in your church, in your people, in your community,

[00:27:26] that's when it really starts to become exciting because what we're doing is creating a framework for your freedom.

[00:27:33] Yeah.

[00:27:34] So my man over 40, going through a divorce, what are the three most important things you want to stress to them as they're going through a hard time?

[00:27:43] Give me three things.

[00:27:45] First thing is this.

[00:27:46] You're more than what you're walking through.

[00:27:49] A lot of times we think that, I'll just say it, when I gave a guy a mirror and I say, tell me what you usually see what you're falling short on.

[00:27:57] And in your life, when I say, hey, what's going on?

[00:27:59] You usually find out the areas where you feel like you failed, you fell short, and you didn't measure up in some sort of way.

[00:28:05] And the honest truth is there's some circumstances in our life where I didn't follow through.

[00:28:11] And there was a point in my life, in my marriage with my wife, where we could have gotten a divorce.

[00:28:14] We were one decision away from it.

[00:28:45] Mm-hmm.

[00:28:48] You're more than where you're at.

[00:28:49] There's more than this moment.

[00:28:51] Persevering and walking through it, figuring out how do I be better is going to help you get there.

[00:28:57] But it starts with a hope and an understanding.

[00:28:59] This isn't it.

[00:29:00] This isn't everything.

[00:29:01] This isn't the end.

[00:29:02] This is a moment.

[00:29:03] I told somebody in a conversation today.

[00:29:06] What we try and help people understand is failure is a part of every success, whether it's in business or it's in relationship.

[00:29:14] There's times where you're going to not do your best or not get the outcome you desired.

[00:29:18] It doesn't mean you're not meant for it.

[00:29:21] It just means that there's something to learn.

[00:29:22] What I tell people that failure is in my life is a report card telling me where I'm at right now and where I need to grow.

[00:29:29] That's all it is.

[00:29:30] It's not an identity statement that says you're not good enough.

[00:29:33] You're never going to get that thing in your life.

[00:29:35] So the first thing is that you're more than where you're at.

[00:29:37] The second thing is I don't want to bring into the next circumstance the person I am in this circumstance.

[00:29:43] And the only way it's going to change is one way, which is understanding who you created to be.

[00:29:48] You're not created for failure.

[00:29:49] You're not created for the things that you're struggling with.

[00:29:52] You're created as a person who has value and worth.

[00:29:55] And who is that guy?

[00:29:56] We have tools.

[00:29:57] We could unpack them at another conversation.

[00:30:00] But it starts with this.

[00:30:01] Identity is everything.

[00:30:03] Who you believe you are, you'll become.

[00:30:06] And so when you start to understand who you are, you'll start to have an expectation that is the man that's going to show up.

[00:30:13] And the life that I'm going to live.

[00:30:15] If you believe that I'm not meant for relationship or I'm not meant for success or I'm not meant for this or that, then that's the person you'll become.

[00:30:22] But when you start to unpack more than your outcomes and say that I have value even before I do anything, your value and worth isn't in your accomplishment.

[00:30:31] It's who you are in the accomplishment.

[00:30:33] So it's an identity statement that says you're a person of value and worth.

[00:30:36] Identity is everything.

[00:30:38] And the third is this.

[00:30:39] Who you think you are, you'll become.

[00:30:40] What are you telling yourself about you and the circumstance you're walking through?

[00:30:44] More specifically, what are you saying about you?

[00:30:47] If what you're saying about you doesn't align with who you're created to be, then it's lying to you.

[00:30:52] And so in that place, how do I get it to align with the person I'm created to be?

[00:30:56] Again, we could talk at another time about how do you unpack the strategies of figuring out who I am.

[00:31:00] Start to say those things.

[00:31:02] Start to have affirmations.

[00:31:04] And it's not the kind of generic affirmations that never work for anybody, right?

[00:31:08] I am a man of value.

[00:31:09] I am person of worth.

[00:31:10] I am successful.

[00:31:10] I am this or that.

[00:31:11] Those things never work.

[00:31:13] Because first off, they're generic.

[00:31:15] And second off, they're not really aligned with who you are.

[00:31:18] But if I can tie my thoughts, what am I telling myself about me?

[00:31:22] And does it align with the value that I believe I have?

[00:31:25] When you start to do that, you start to see the guys show up.

[00:31:29] And you start to live the life.

[00:31:31] It literally is one thought away.

[00:31:39] Mr. Mark, you have taken the fire hose and hit me with it.

[00:31:44] Yeah.

[00:31:45] Wow.

[00:31:46] I suggest people watch this podcast.

[00:31:48] This is podcast two or three times because it's a lot of information.

[00:31:52] And no, that's fine.

[00:31:54] My men over 40 have about a 33 minute and 18 second attention span.

[00:32:01] So this is perfect.

[00:32:02] But definitely, we're going to come back and unpack some of this stuff next time.

[00:32:07] But I appreciate your time.

[00:32:09] Let the people out there know where to find you.

[00:32:11] And I'll have it in the show notes.

[00:32:13] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:32:14] So for me, I'm a one-stop shop.

[00:32:17] So you can get everything that I have talked about at my website, which is freedom-4-life.net.

[00:32:22] Freedom-4-life.net.

[00:32:25] You can get my book out there.

[00:32:26] I actually have it as an e-book version, which means that you can download it under your phone,

[00:32:29] under your iPad, under any device that you have.

[00:32:33] And what I try and do with the book and why it's different from the course is I call it

[00:32:36] the Quick Start Guide to Life Mastery.

[00:32:38] I created the book with some...

[00:32:40] It gives you actually some background and understanding my life and my journey.

[00:32:43] But also, it gives you the nuggets of the teaching within the Life Mastery course.

[00:32:47] I tell people you can read something today, apply it this week, and see the transformation

[00:32:51] this month.

[00:32:52] And then, of course, the full-fledged courses out there.

[00:32:55] So if you're one of those guys who's like, I don't want to be all in or have part of it.

[00:32:58] I don't need the appetizer.

[00:32:59] I want the whole meal.

[00:33:00] The course is out there on the website for you as well.

[00:33:03] Wow.

[00:33:04] All right, Pastor Mark.

[00:33:05] That was awesome.

[00:33:06] Man, you got my brain fried, but that's okay because I'm going to go through this.

[00:33:11] It's going to be tough to get a title for this one, man.

[00:33:13] There was so much.

[00:33:14] But I think I'm down to a science.

[00:33:16] Let's say goodnight to everybody out there and we'll talk afterwards.

[00:33:20] Hold on, okay?

[00:33:20] All right, everybody, thank you for listening.

[00:33:22] And thanks.

[00:33:23] Thank you, Pastor Mark, for being on the mic with us.

[00:33:26] And have a nice night.

[00:33:29] My joy.

[00:33:29] Thank you, David.