The Reality of Undeletable Dads - Tracy Poizner || Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast 024 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome to The Don't Pick The Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting Man over 40

[00:00:21] with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during,

[00:00:27] or after a divorce. to physical problems, illness, chronic disease, that sort of thing. And in my personal life, I'm divorced. I've been divorced about 25 years. And I'm remarried. And I've been with my new husband for about 17, 18 years now.

[00:01:41] And when I got divorced, of course, it was traumatic,

[00:01:45] but not with respect to our daughter, who we were both morning before school and evening after supper. But there was a great deal of conflict. There was heavy alienation. All kinds of issues were coming up. And I sort of walked that path beside him for about 10 years. It was a long time. Even though during that time his two

[00:03:03] older kids had come to live with us, who was having this kind of dynamic in his life with his kids. And how difficult it was for me and how much. Even still, even still after 18 years, there can be a moment of that invisible curve popping up in my world.

[00:05:42] I realized that the biggest problems

[00:05:44] that the step moms were having really where there's a parent telling the kids you don't have to listen to him or to the dreaded like you'd start calling him by his first name, which I have a client in my practice now who told me yesterday that this has been happening to him. It's impossible to believe you, but people really do stuff like that, not just a few.

[00:07:04] It's a trend. Facebook group, another podcast, the Undeleitable Dad podcast, I started to have a greater and greater respect for fatherhood in general for the importance of father. You know, we have all this, it takes a village to raise a child. Yes, of course, there are lots of places where multiple households are involved in raising children, but they're all cooperating with each other. There is no society that has ever

[00:09:41] tried to propagate itself with this level of division where half of the kids in the world, saying like this is a thing and I want to help guys figure out how to do that for themselves. Wow. I had a question but you just stomped on it. How can a man lead when he has no access? That's interesting. How does that work? And I have a series of videos that I created at one point about what to do if you lose access. And it goes over things like how to use the postal system, how to send things by registered mail that have to be either accepted or returned,

[00:12:21] how to keep an archive of the one that you want your children to see. And what you want your children to see is you serving, serving your codes on a platter and not expecting anything to come back to you. Because the masculine energy, I mean, I'm a lot about

[00:13:44] masculine and feminine energy too. And that is about what happens outside of your family.

[00:15:00] It's about going out into society and being successful

[00:16:05] and nurturing and what happens inside the home. And so the maximum impact of that,

[00:16:10] the maximum value of it, let's say in terms of your development,

[00:16:14] is happening at the earliest parts of life.

[00:16:18] And the maximum impact of dad, even though dads can be hugely impactful

[00:16:24] from the first day of life, right? friend of a friend and people on Reddit and I've seen this scenario quite a bit where the kids are in high school or junior high and they've been alienated to the dad. They swallowed the pill, the mom pill, which I call, you know, they say, hey, you're a dad, a piece of crap.

[00:17:40] He doesn't love us and it's an uphill battle.

[00:17:44] And so what you're telling me is you still have to provide that positive energy no matter when she was very young, and she's the only child, and she had no reason to disbelieve that the narrative, like, your dad's a bad guy, he left us, we don't want anything to do with him. Blah, blah, blah. And she said she would have said that to anybody who asked her without hesitation, and it's what she believed. And at the same time, she would regularly steal pennies

[00:20:02] about your childhood and about your dad. And told her whole story about how her dad had continuously tried to get access to see her,

[00:20:08] like all the years of her childhood,

[00:20:10] and that he had an archive of all the stuff that he had tried to send her that the mom had sent back,

[00:20:15] or had never taken, you know, receipt of or whatever.

[00:20:21] And so she went online and started hunting, and she found a website that he had created for her. Making movies about it. It's really I mean her whole work is now to honor his memory so People think like oh man. I've missed their whole childhood and it's all done now and there's nothing I can do like if you're gonna Stand in that boo-hoo energy Like that's not attractive what your kids want to see is you saying

[00:21:45] Here I am

[00:21:47] Never giving up So they have to be able to engage with you in a way that doesn't threaten their relationship with their mother, which means it has to be a way that she can't see that they're doing it. It can't be on their phone or emails that she can track, right? You have to particular. They're getting information from you. They're getting the fact that you love them, that you're a safe person, that you see them, you esteem right, you're an adult now. You don't need your dad anymore. You tell him. And kids have an automatic, you get to be 12, 15, 17 years old. It's an inner urge to push back and say, no way, need to or throw up or whatever. But the energy that you come to this job with has to be so focused and precise and pure so that you're not there saying, saying to yourself, please, I hope you hear this and reach out to me.

[00:27:02] You know, like that is going to be the. It's not a pill, but it's a draw because this particular kind of pill comes in liquid form and it's not pharmaceutical and it has no side effects and it's not addictive. That might sound like magic and it kind of is.

[00:28:20] But my world is full of testimonials from people who say, I can't believe this.

[00:28:26] It's changing, oh, what happens if this presentation at work doesn't go well? Like, I could get fired and then I'll lose my house and then we'll all be cold and hungry. Like, you're, you're, all of your thoughts now get hijacked by these survival concerns or survival fears also that we have and everything that we see and hear and perceive is being filtered through is this safe for me like what are all the possible bad outcomes that could happen right.

[00:31:00] So once we get into this place where we can flip the switch and just see reality and reality of their life trying to please their father in some way, trying to be enough for their father, trying to get affection from their father. Like, we're wired for it. Only when you're the father, you don't feel worthy of that degree of loyalty because of all this shadow unconscious stuff, right?

[00:32:20] So once you can stand in and make a leap of faith

[00:33:25] Gotcha. Let's backtrack a little bit, man. That was interesting. Very interesting. So what are some of the early warning signs for parental alienation or man alienation?

[00:33:32] The divorce has started. What are some of the warning signs that guys can look out for?

[00:33:38] I would say that, first of all, you wanting to respect everybody's rights, and that children have rights to and that they should get to decide, that children should get to decide where they want to live or who they want to spend time with, and that it's their right.

[00:36:02] You know, that's not happening. And to feel that you're not infringing on their rights, but that as a parent, you don't

[00:36:12] agree that a child is allowed to make life-changing decisions for themselves because they're not

[00:36:20] in a position to do that.

[00:36:22] We don't let children decide to quit school because they don't know what's coming. They don't know what you're giving them. You know what you're giving them. So it's a change of, you get tripped up in the attitude of like you're a bad guy if you're not respecting the rights of your children.

[00:37:42] And it's not about respecting their rights. It's about being the, what can I say,

[00:37:45] society gives you the right mother of these children. You have to move your sphere of influence somewhere that you can't be touched.

[00:39:01] That is something that you have to wrap your head around. It's the wrong energy. It's very counterintuitive because you want every interaction to be a good and happy and smooth one and you want it all to be about watching movies and eating ice cream. But what they actually are craving from you is direction and boundaries. And not exclusively, you're not going to put on an army uniform and make them line up

[00:40:23] or something.

[00:40:24] It's not about being authoritarian. And there are great things popping up like mushrooms everywhere for that kind of support. So it's important to find these resources, including therapy or counseling for yourself as. And that is a huge piece of machinery that should not be in the parking space of your brain. Absolutely. And I've seen it to the point where one of the posts was where the mom was having the

[00:43:03] daughter call the new boyfriend daddy. And this guy was losing his mind over it. And of the universe until you're blue in the face and it's not going to change anything. That is impotent anger. What you want to do instead is show up as such a father for your child that, like I said, that their innate need for you is going to turn towards you.

[00:44:21] You have to believe in your own value and just say could open up their brains and drop the one knowledge that you want to tell them, don't forget this part. What would it be? Oh, man. Just one thing. One thing. Just one thing. Whatever it looks like on the outside, your kids are secretly longing for something from

[00:45:47] you. you think it means just because you got divorced and your child is spending so much time with their mother and your child is maybe startingelatable dad podcast available everywhere. Undelatabledad.com is the website. You can reach me through Tracey at undelatabledad.com.

[00:48:22] And within the next couple of days, Tracey Poisson or.com will be up and running and