The Power of Stoicism for Divorced Men | Reclaiming Strength and Identity 💪 - Augustus V. || DPTSP #097 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome to Don't Pick the Scab Podcast, where we embark on healing journeys tailored for men over 40, navigating the complexities of divorce recovery. I'm your host, David, and our guest today is Augustus V., a poet and advocate born in Watts, California, who understands the struggles of personal transformation. After being uprooted to Italy at a young age and returning to America with a unique perspective, he spent years teaching poetry and spirituality.

[00:00:26] His journey led him to assist others in need, providing advice and support, which ignited his passion for writing and community service. In this podcast, we'll dive into topics like philosophy, stoicism, and practical strategies. I wonder what the heck stoicism is? Man! For emotional or sense of, Clay, join me each week as we explore the path to healing and rediscovering purpose in the aftermath of life's challenges.

[00:00:53] Let's embrace this journey together. What is stoicism?

[00:01:12] Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during, or after a divorce. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you. Thank you for the intro. First of all, man, I've been introduced many times, but that one just may have been one of the best, if not the best. Stopped.

[00:01:39] But, oh yeah, that was pretty good. But yeah, stoicism in all lessons. Also, I want to say thank you for having me on the show also. No problem. Okay. But stoicism in all lessons, when you get down to it, the simple right in your face answer is very simple. It's very clear. It's self-control. That's all.

[00:02:01] It's the art. It's the philosophy. It's the skill of controlling oneself. And I'm delighted and honored to speak about these things with you today. So thank you. Why do you think men have a hard time with stoicism? Because they've been programmed to do the opposite. Okay.

[00:02:21] There's, I don't mean to sound like a downer or a pessimist, but, or a cynic, but today in the world that we live in, really throughout history, there's a lot of money to be made off of people's pain. Oh yeah.

[00:02:36] So, and if you can control people, that's even more money. So the best way to control people is to weaken the man. And that can't be done when the men are at full self-control. That has to be taken from them first.

[00:02:55] And once you get the man, it's pretty much easy winnings from there because it's not too hard to program the woman saying that, not saying that our women are dumb or anything of that nature. It's not that, this isn't that kind of party. It's just simply understanding that the woman is a product of her, of her environment much more. That's how the serpent got Eve in the garden. See? Yeah. So it's the same thing being played out all over again.

[00:03:24] How did your time at Bible school in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, contribute to your understanding of healing and personal growth? How did that impact that?

[00:03:34] So that was pretty big because I already understood the scriptures as a young lad. But when I went out there and had schooling on the topics, specifically from a rainbow Bible training center, beautiful people there, people may have their differences with them. Hey, they're fine with me. I'm good with them. They're fine with me. But they had great teachers.

[00:03:59] There was one teacher by the name of Doug Jones. And boy, he kicked the door open with his class, just bringing principles that I know today as stoicism and Christian apologetics. And he used these principles, whether knowingly or not, to get us to understand that the scriptures can be studied. They can be understood and they can be used in today.

[00:04:26] It's just that there's so much pop culture, so much programming, so much distractions that keeps us from realizing that the answers to all of our questions are in the basic primal things in life, like the scriptures. So how can stoic principles like controlling what's within one's power, help men, any man over 40 or 30, rebuild after a divorce? How can they apply those principles?

[00:04:54] I don't want to sound too comical because this is a serious matter. But first of all, by keeping them from getting in the same situation again, is shouldn't you, you would think that if someone bumps their head, that they will take a different path. You would think if someone trips over something that they will stop running. But when it comes to that, when it comes to that woman, oh boy, the beauty of the woman, the just feminine energy altogether.

[00:05:24] It does something to a man when he's on his path. Oh yeah, the first person I dated after my divorce was just like my ex. Wow. Yeah. No doubt. 100%. Boss, you need to be controlling. Oh yeah, it's almost like you go with what you know. So I do understand that. Yeah, absolutely. And today it's not getting easier. It's getting tougher and they're getting smarter.

[00:05:49] Whether you guys listen and whether you guys believe it or not, they're getting smarter because they're social creatures. They can't punch their way through a situation. Even though we can't punch our way through a situation so much these days as men, but they definitely can't punch their way. They can't shoot their way through. They can't physically take control of a situation. They have to do it socially. So they're masters socially. That's the world that they live in.

[00:06:18] And they're becoming smarter and better at hiding the fact that when you get down to it, many of the girls today aren't as feminine as they used to be, as our grandmothers used to be. Nowhere near as feminine as our grandmothers used to be. They're actually very masculine by definition. See, on paper, by definition, they're actually masculine, but they're not men.

[00:06:45] So that doesn't work out for them so much either. But I know that's a long way to answer your question, but in all sense, stoicism helps men by keeping them from running into traps because that's what's set out for us today.

[00:07:02] And when a man has the ability to just control himself, he can he could just get to work, go to work, be around the girls that he would usually engage with in an intimate level and control himself. See, he could get around girls that are like his ex or exes and control himself because she did something that got him in the first place.

[00:07:31] But with stoicism, she can't get that again. Yeah, absolutely. Well, what role does a poetry or creative writing play in processing pain and emotional healing? How does that work? I'm sorry. How does what role does poetry or creative writing play in processing pain and emotional healing? So that that's a good one.

[00:07:54] What it does is it allows you to take what you're dealing with, what you're seeing, what other people are going through, what they're talking about, what on the news, what you see even in novel and pop culture. It allows you to put it on paper, whether someone's listening to it or whether someone's actually doing it themselves.

[00:08:14] It allows you to put it on paper and to look at it like schematics and giving you a graph, giving you a formula based way of looking at what's actually going on. See, because we deal with things every day. We see things every day, but sometimes because it's not in a formulaic format. It's hard to recognize what you're looking at because you may not realize that you're looking at a formula.

[00:08:42] You may see someone crash out and say, oh, wow, this is random. But no, when you put it on paper, you realize that this had two integers here that added up to another integer. This had two numbers here that had a multiplication sign in the middle. It didn't have an addition sign. Something was multiplied here and it equated to a crash out.

[00:09:08] How about a guy start to do poetry or start doing creative writing when he's processing the pain or emotional healing? What's some of the first steps that he can do in order to try that? Yeah, absolutely. I would say the first thing is get around people that's already doing it.

[00:09:30] Get around thinkers and not just poetry because philosophy specifically, I would say for me, but get around other people that's already doing it. Get around people that's where you want to be. And I would say that goes for anything in life, any age, anything. You want to get around people that's already doing it and people that are where you want to be.

[00:09:52] See, if you notice the people that aren't where you want to be, they always want to criticize your goals. They want to criticize where you say you want to be in the future. See, and that's only because they can't see themselves doing it. So how much more can they not see you doing it? Sometimes these are people that love us, but it's just a natural inclination.

[00:10:17] It's almost a defense mechanism from the pressure that comes on them that when they think about having to step out and do something that will result even in a desirable thing. See, so getting around the right kind of people. That's just crabs in a barrel, buddy. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, it is what it is. Come on, people. Come on. Yeah.

[00:10:44] So many men struggle with anger and or guilt after divorce. What advice do you have for handling these emotions constructively? I would say the first thing is in understanding that a lot of these, what we call today emotions, we call everything an emotion. But we would call when we're hungry a emotion now. We just mix it with angry and now we're hangry. But it's understanding that these emotions, these feelings, these thoughts, where we are, they can be used as a weapon.

[00:11:13] See, we've been taught that anger is a hang up. We've been taught that it's a booby trap. It's quicksand. But in reality, this is what the men that we respect throughout history have used to mark their names into history. They used anger.

[00:11:36] The only problem is that men today don't understand that it's a good thing and they don't know what to do with the anger. In most cases, actually, they don't even know what to be angry about. See, because there's some things that you could be angry about that's actually feminine in nature. And that's what we don't want to do. We want to get angry about things that are masculine to be angry about. And we can use them properly.

[00:12:06] We can use the anger in the gym, but not waste it in the gym. We can use it in the office, but not at the conference table. No, behind the desk. See, where we can actually use it and things that require thoughts. See, but that takes skill. It's easier said than done. It even sounds a little difficult to do.

[00:12:28] But once a gentleman gets a hold of this, you almost don't want to share it with anyone because you feel like people will start coming after you. Wow. But it's possible. You've worked with people from all walks of life. What's the most common emotional barrier you've seen in men going through a divorce or a hard time? I would say the result of one of the emotions that got them in a situation in the first place, and that's depression.

[00:12:57] I would even say oppression and not to get too deep for your audience, leading to possession. But starting out, all of that comes from effeminacy, the seeking of pleasure. And that's why many men get in a situation in the first place.

[00:13:14] So once a man understands that he doesn't have to fulfill that need to please himself with a woman, see, with a woman's touch, we don't have to fulfill the need to please our taste buds with coffee, which I'm sipping on right now. We don't have to fulfill that need.

[00:13:40] But when we have things in order and we've properly assessed the situation, we get to get rewarded with the pleasure instead of fulfilling a need. Because when we do that, when we fulfill this need for pleasure, it results in us doing something that will result in pain. And that's what the old philosophers of the Epicureans believed, which goes against the Stoics.

[00:14:10] Too much pleasure equals pain, see? And that's what we want to go against with Stoicism. Wow. What practical steps would you suggest to help men rediscover their identity? Because men take a hit with identity. It used to be, we are married, you and I, now it's me. What are some of the practical steps you would suggest to men rediscover their identity after a divorce? Absolutely. And these are great questions, by the way.

[00:14:38] I would say what I say to really all of almost, if not all of my clients, friends, colleagues, anyone that I'm discussing manhood with or masculinity with, is to think about your grandkids, which may not be here. In most cases, they're not here yet, right?

[00:15:02] Think about doing what you have to do in order to be proud of them once they come into the world. And doing what you have to do to make your grandparents proud. So it's basically generational backwards and forwards. Absolutely. Wow. That's a good take. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And see, the reason why you skip a generation, you don't go after your kids. You don't do it specifically just for your kids.

[00:15:31] You don't do it specifically for your parents. The reason why you skip it is because your kids, they may not follow your path. They may not even agree with what you do. As a matter of fact, you can do your job efficiently, very effectively, and your kids may grow up to hate you. See, we've all seen that. It's unfortunate we don't like it, but that's very common. Men that have actually crushed it as a parent, but their kids still hate them.

[00:16:00] See, because of the society has groomed them to do that. And we don't look at our parents because we might feel that way about our parents. Yeah. But the grandparents, oh, but not nobody say nothing about grandpa. See? And the same thing with our grandmothers. And when it comes to the grandkids, they feel the same way about us. So we want to make sure that we're doing things where the grandkids can actually be on a good path.

[00:16:29] And we want to make sure that we're doing things that our grandfathers can be proud of us for. Grandmothers also, but we want to focus on the grandfathers because the legacy is in the men. I've never heard it put that way, but it does make sense. Yeah. Even skimping the generation because sometimes your parents are knuckleheads and sometimes your kids are knuckleheads. So I realize, man, that's an interesting point. So your first book, The Bad Boy, tackles meaningful issues.

[00:16:58] How did writing that book help you understand the importance of addressing personal struggles? So that one, I had a lot of fun doing that one. There were so many rough drives on that one and still to this day, it's still rough. But I like keeping it that way. It makes it authentic. But to answer your question, that book, it helped me because it allowed me to actually question the topics that I was tackling.

[00:17:25] Because it's one thing to just put stuff on a piece of paper, to lay out an outline and say, all right, I'm going to touch on this, I'm going to touch on this, I'm going to touch on that. But The Bad Boy, I did that one about, I think, five times before I got it right. So I was going over the topics over and over to the point where I had no choice but to get better and to look at things from a better perspective.

[00:17:49] And I'm sure if I go back and if I were to do it again, it would be even especially better now. But that's how that book helped me. It allowed me to look at the deeper, to challenge myself on how I've seen relationship dynamics on the guy which we call the bad boy, being the antithesis or the opposite of the good guy, the nice guy which finishes last. And I actually came to the conclusion that I'm going to get a little real with your audience here.

[00:18:19] But it got me to understand that the bad boy actually helps out the nice guy. But not everyone sees it that way. Reason why is because the nice guy gets burned by the girl that he invests all of his heart, soul, mind, his everything into. She leaves him like nothing. And then she goes off to the bad boy. She don't go to another nice guy that's going to treat her better. She goes to the bad boy.

[00:18:46] So the bad boy helps the nice guy out, whether realizing it or not, because he dumps her harder than she dumped the nice guy. And it's dark. It's dark. But that's something that can help the nice guy in understanding that, you know what? Life is cyclical. There's no need to end it. Because many of these guys, they want to end their lives when they get into those issues. There's no need to end it.

[00:19:15] There's just a need to reset. That's all. A new chapter. How can men use spirituality, regardless of their religious background, to heal and find peace after a divorce? That's easy because everything has to look up. Everything. Plants, they may spread their roots in the ground, but it's for the sole purpose of sprouting up.

[00:19:41] And a plant that doesn't sprout up has to get weeded out and burned. See, it's just that simple. Spirituality. If this applies to plants, how much more living, walking, breathing, four-limbed human beings? We have to look up. And when we're young, we can believe in whatever we want.

[00:20:06] But once we get older, we start realizing how things worked out for those that looked up versus those that looked wherever they wanted. Wow. How has creating a free library on your website helped you connect with people who are seeking healing? All right. First off, it's not free anymore. I got to put that out there for the audience. I don't want to mislead them. I got a couple of goodies in there. That's free copies of that nature.

[00:20:35] But yeah, it's really helped me because this is purpose. This is what I believe that God has brought me here for. To philosophize concerning spiritual matters. To walk down that path of C.S. Lewis and use spiritual matters and philosophy to just cause men to do something very simple. Something that we've been doing for a very long time. And that's to simply scratch their heads. That's it. Wow. Anything you want to add?

[00:21:05] Because I got more questions, but I know you got something. I can feel it. Give it to me. Give it to me. Man, shoot. Whatever questions you have, shoot. Aw, here we go. I already did that one. You've worked both in charity and literature. How can community involvement aid in the healing process for men post-divorce? You said community aid? Yep. Community involvement. Yep. Mainly. Or how important is community? There we go. That's the question I want. Okay.

[00:21:34] Yeah, absolutely. Community, even though it's still on the man. The man's responsibility to seek it, to seek that help. I would say it does take a tribe. Sometimes it does take a village. And tribalism does have its benefits. It has its downsides. But today we're too quick to throw the baby out with the bathwater. And we need the baby. We don't need the bathwater.

[00:21:58] So when it comes to tribalism, when it comes to having a village, having brotherhoods, that's all gangs really are. They're a colloquial replacement or that sense of brotherhood. See? Right. And it's the natural inclination. That's why so many young males that are disenfranchised, they run so quickly to gangs because it's such an intuitive response.

[00:22:22] It's such an innate desire and inclination to run towards brotherhood when one doesn't have a father. See? Because brotherhood is so powerful. They did a real good job portraying this in Zack Snyder's film, 300. But brotherhood is so powerful. If a man was brought into this world as a boy, as a male, right? Before he became a man, because there's a difference.

[00:22:51] A male has to become a man. See? If he comes into this world as a boy without a father, if he has strong enough brothers, he can actually walk into manhood no problem. That is powerful for the young man to understand today. And getting out of a divorce, 40 and up, oh yeah. Yeah. That's very important to understand and to be conscious and aware of.

[00:23:21] Reason why is because when you get out of a divorce, you have to reset. Right. You can't just go back to doing everything that you was doing when you was in the marriage. The first element of it is I'm free. That's the obvious one. I'm free. She's gone. I get to get back to doing what I was doing. But the getting over it part, yeah, we have to reset. We have to go back to how we made our bones as a young man.

[00:23:50] We have to get around brothers. We have to get around the community. See? And I know that was a long way to answer your question, but in summary, the best thing that a community could do is to praise the men for being men. Allow us to be men. Don't get in the way of what we're supposed to do. See? And all that is once more. That's the responsibility of the man not to let anything get in the way.

[00:24:20] But in terms of the community helping, that's what the community could do is just pay homage to men for being men. What are some of the things that a man can do in a difficult co-parenting situation? Because mine was difficult. My kids are grown and gone, but I went through some stuff, man. And the one thing that got me through the craziness co-parenting was I love my kids more than I hate my ex. And they got me through it.

[00:24:48] But what do you suggest men out there that are going through some craziness? Because it gets crazy sometimes. What are some of the things that surprise them? Stoicism, first of all. Stoicism. Self-control. That's very big. I want to say everybody in the industrial prison system today. I want to say everybody's in there over a woman somehow. I want to say it. I know there's the small cases of those that aren't, that are in there for another reason.

[00:25:18] But if there's so many, they're either in there because of their baby mama or because of their mama. And it's unfortunate. See? But when you get down to it, it's all because you have men that don't want to control themselves. They want to fly off the handle. They want to do the first thing that comes to mind. The first thing that they feel. See? And we all love our wives.

[00:25:47] We all love our mothers. But we can't act like them whenever pressure hits. We have to be stones. We have to be rocks. We have to be tree stumps. They used to call them alpha males now. They used to call them oaks, as in oak trees. Because that was the tree where a car could hit it and it wouldn't even budge. Yeah. See? And that's how we have to exercise that in our lives.

[00:26:15] We have to do what we say and say what we do, even when it doesn't benefit us. That's what it means to be a man. See? It's simple, but we don't see it a lot today. So a lot of people talk about, have you heard about the gray rocks, gray rock syndrome? I believe I have. Yeah. And it's almost like what you're talking about with stoicism. It's almost on that path. What is the gray rock syndrome specifically? Oh, man. You got to put me on the spot.

[00:26:46] So you have to respond, basically. When the craziness has gone on, you just answer with one word answer. Yes. Maybe. When you're getting ready to blow up, you have to retreat and not take the bait, basically. Yeah. Just be a rock. Yeah. We just want to blow it up. And with my ex, the more I was a rock, the less the craziness became because she figured out that she couldn't pull me into it. Ah. That's pretty good. Yeah.

[00:27:15] A lot of people talk about the gray rock. So you've lived a life filled with transformation and purpose. How do you help others see their divorce, not as an end, but as a new beginning like we talked about earlier? Manhood. Manhood. But just specifically speaking on that matter alone and getting males to come back to being the man, that pretty much does it.

[00:27:39] And I know that sounds like a lazy answer, but if anything, it's a packed answer. That answer has a lot in it. When a man goes through divorce, when a man gets out of a traumatic scenario, like being with a woman that emasculates him, just takes who he is as a man and breaks him down.

[00:28:01] That scripture says in Proverbs, the whorish woman can bring a man to a piece of bread, just bring his value all the way down. That's traumatic to a man. See, when that happens, he comes out of the divorce with very little to identify himself as a man. He knows he's a male. He knows that he could bench press 300 on a bad day. He knows that he has King movie level, Jason Statham level marksmanship, right?

[00:28:30] He thinks he's John Wick when he's in the gun range or whatever, right? But we were told due to the Hegelian dialectic and Marxism that this is what makes you a man, and it doesn't, see? We have to get back to what it means to be a man by God's standards. And once more, it's very simple. Being a man is simply—I tell this to young guys all the time, and I see it happen so quickly, the transformation once they get it.

[00:29:00] But being a man is simply only needing water, air, and food. That's all a man should ever need. And the secret, this is when you're showing off. When you get this, you're showing off. We don't even need too much of those three. All it means to be a man is to not need anything.

[00:29:26] Sometimes you have to get a certain amount of money to be able to say you don't need anything. Sometimes you have to have a certain amount of friends that you can trust to be able to say you don't need anything. But whatever it is, in this world, in this society, when you can say, I don't need anything, that's when you're in full masculinity. But you don't have to wait until you're there. It starts on the inside.

[00:29:50] If you can live in a hut, if you can live in a tree and have peace within yourself, you've fully tapped into your masculinity. See? I'm not telling people to give up what they have. Go live in a tree. Yeah, don't. I'll just tell me you're in a tree. Yeah, we don't want that.

[00:30:15] But in all essence, man is very masculine to understand what you have and to use what you have. Thanksgiving. Being thankful for what you have because the first man, he had to take a piece of a tree and he had to turn it into a pole. He had to get a rock, shave it into a pole, get a sharper rock, take it, put it at the end of that pole,

[00:30:41] and then take a rope and tie it around the tip of that, I want to say spear, but tip of that rock, tying it to that pole. Now he has his first spear. All he did was he used what he had. He realized what he had. He became thankful. See?

[00:30:58] And when a man can do that, when a male can do that, it allows him to walk into his masculinity not needing anything but using everything at his disposal. All right, Augustus V. This has been interesting, man. This is one of the ones where I had no clue where it was going. I'm very happy.

[00:31:21] You have brought some knowledge and some actionable steps for my men over 40 to get their stuff together, and we're definitely going to have you come back on the show. Nice. Let the people out there know where to find you on the internet, and I'll have that on the show notes. Absolutely. Yeah, and thanks for having me. And for the listeners, that's Augustus Vaughn. That's V-A-U-G-H-N. Augustus Vaughn. My books, they're everywhere. Spotify, Barnes & Nobles.

[00:31:50] I think Walmart even has an audiobook platform. I'm on YouTube. Yeah, just look me up, guys, and reach out to me, and I'll get back to you. Okay. Hey, thanks again. I like different, though, man. Yeah. You have mixed it up a little bit. But hold on to Mike here. Don't go anywhere, but I appreciate your time, but don't go anywhere. Thank you.