Post-Divorce Men over 40 Intimacy, Pleasure, Self-Love and Much More - Erica Wiederlight || DPTSP #119

[00:00:00] Welcome, Bobby, out there to Don't Pit the Sky Podcast. Today, I'm thrilled to welcome Erica Wiederlight to the show, a remarkable actress, dating and sexual empowerment coach, speaker and expert whose mission is to help people truly feel alive and embodied. Erica specializes in guiding individuals toward building epic relationships with themselves and others, blending her background and performance with deep insights into human connections and transformation.

[00:00:28] Through her coaching, Erica empowers clients to embrace their authenticity, heal from past experiences and step confidently into new chapters of their lives. Her compassionate and energetic approach has helped countless people unlock greater joy, intimacy and self-love. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of a divorce or seeking to rediscover your sense of self, Erica brings wisdom and actionable strategies to support your journey. Learn more about her inspiring work at

[00:00:58] WeTheLight.org. Erica, thanks for joining us and let's dive into your unique perspective on recovery, growth and thriving after divorce. Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scav Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce. So excited. So much to talk about.

[00:01:25] So how did you become a dating and sexual empowerment coach? You know, I know we've talked about this before, but I always laugh because this would have been my personal nightmare. Like if I knew in high school, right? You know, like if I knew in high school, like, okay, Erica, you're going to grow up and you're going to do this. I'd be like, no, like this is no. I'm growing.

[00:01:46] Yeah, because it's so, as you know, it's so intimate putting yourself out there in the world, period. But especially in this capacity around sexual empowerment, love, dating. Like it's, I never, how do I say this? I feel like I didn't, now I actively chose this.

[00:02:04] But I didn't choose this. Meaning life happened. And through my life experiences, through my like come to Jesus moments, falling to my knees type situations, I came to this work for myself, for my family, for friends. And I was like, oh, I'm so interested in this. I'm not making a career out of this. I'm just, I'm just interested. This is fascinating.

[00:02:24] And from there, the breadcrumbs started to be put together into a meal that I didn't, I didn't expect. But you know the deal, right? It was like, oh, wow, I feel in a place of such darkness that I, nothing can help me. And when this work was helping me and transforming me, it's like, how can I not share this? Not even with the world at first, but like with people I love and my community. And then from there, it was like, how can I not share this with the world?

[00:02:54] Shout from the top of the mountain. Literally. Yeah. So how does your background in acting influence your coaching approach? Oh my God, that's such a good question. And that's so funny because that was part of my resistance. Because everyone's like, oh my God, you're like, you know, you're doing coaching. You know, like I'd have people over and do like coaching, quote unquote, coaching sessions or group coaching. I was like, no, no, I'm an actress. Like I was so resistant to separate. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, this is, no, this is two different things.

[00:03:22] Oh my God, it definitely informs my work. And for me, right? Like my coaching, but also a big part of what I love to do with this work is speaking. So it goes hand in hand. And I think for me, I actually was speaking with a woman yesterday and she's like, you know why I really love your flavor of this work is you're so authentically yourself.

[00:03:45] And how do I say this? Like, I feel you makes a very uncomfortable topic comfortable. And for me, that's where I like to bridge the gap that I always say to everyone, I'm like, this work is for everyone. And I try to make it accessible. And I think acting helped me with that, right? Because acting so much of it is be authentically yourself, be vulnerable, be transparent. And so because I have so much expertise in that, it helped me kind of connect the dots.

[00:04:14] So why is embodiment and what is embodiment so important for recovering from divorce? Oh, I love that question. So embodiment, we can make it super complicated. Let's make it simple. Make it simple. Let's make it easy. It's quite literally being in your body. And I say to clients, like if I'll do an exercise with a client, I'm like, before we jump in, like, can you even, can you feel your body right now?

[00:04:41] Like, and they're like, no. So I'll be like, okay, talk to me about like, what sensations are you feeling in your body? And they're like, I don't know. I didn't realize I'm so in my head. Like, I'm either so anxious or I'm thinking about like, okay, so I have to cook dinner. I have to meal prep. Then I have to pay my taxes. Like, you know, we are so future tripping.

[00:04:59] And often we're so in our heads that being in our body isn't available to us. So I'm like, hold up, hold up, hold up. What do you feel? And they're like, I don't know. I'm like, okay, cool. Let's take a deep breath.

[00:05:12] And then eventually they could say, okay, sensations in my body. I'm feeling a tug in my lower back. I'm feeling some heat behind my neck, right? Like just they're slowly starting to identify like, what am I feeling in my, in my body? And why that's perfect. I mean, that's profound for life, but especially post-divorce into dating. I mean, it makes you more grounded.

[00:05:36] It makes you more alert to, you know, the deal we've talked about bad dates, like those SOS signs. When you're on a date, you're like, Ooh, like you could have got that clued into your body. You know, your body gives off those signs like, don't go, you know, or, you know, so the embodiment piece is so crucial period. But especially when we're on a journey post-divorce or starting dating or relationships, it's, it's crucial.

[00:06:05] Wow. So two part question. What are some of the misconceptions of dating after divorce and why do we gravitate to someone who's just like our ex? Oh. Rebound. What does not with that? Is it like, just, just the, just the, just happens or why is that? Yeah. I mean, there could be so many reasons, right? There's so many nuance, nuance, nuance in all of it. And yeah, sometimes it's like, this is familiar.

[00:06:32] I know this pattern, even though we actively think I'm never getting myself in a situation, you know, we all, we make like put a stake in the ground. Like I am never, that is ridiculous. And then we may go on a few dates and be like, Oh, see, like this person's nothing like them.

[00:06:48] And then over time we're like, Oh, like this path. And it's a pattern that we're familiar with or that we know. And so, you know, talk about rebounding often. Yeah. It's a, it's, it's an option, right. To, to go out and to sure. There's nothing inherently wrong or bad about that, but it does take a moment to self reflect.

[00:07:11] And that's part of the embodiment work, right? Like really looking at, all right, like what patterns do I want to leave at the door? And do I have to heal and be with? Because if I don't, you know, the deal, it's either going to come out in the next relationship. It's going to come out and work. It's going to come out in money.

[00:07:25] Like sadly, just because you left the person, you know, or however it shook out that pattern still in there. Like, and, and talk about embodiment that patterns in our brain, but that patterns in our body, right? Like they, that quite literally the book, the body keeps the score, the body keeps the score, the brain keeps the score. So it's not just like, great. I dumped them or I'm done with that. Yeah. There might be some truth to that.

[00:07:50] And that pattern still lives within us. So we got to, I know it's not like the most glamorous thing, but we've got to look at it. Man, the pattern work. How do you help clients reconnect with their sense of aliveness and how do they lose it? Oh my God. Every day, every day. There's so many, there's every day. There's so many ways that we lose, like, right? There's, first of all, we're in a society that doesn't value it.

[00:08:17] Like, it's not like, go be sparkly or go live your best. Like, that's not a value. Like our vet, we value productivity and which again, nothing inherently wrong, but success and productivity and achievement. It's not like, go out and be happy, you know? So there's so many, we're ready to set up in a society where that's not really the vibe.

[00:08:37] And then there's a million and five reasons why we disconnect, whether it be, you know, overextending ourselves on social media or getting lost in, you know, Netflix traps or whatever, whatever, right? There's so many ways that I ask my clients, like, where are you bleeding energy? Like, where are you bleeding out energy? If that makes sense. Or where are you feeling starting to feel like crusty? You know, like, where are you feeling?

[00:09:01] I feel crunchy around this. And there's a lot of ways I help folks get their radiance back or get their sparkle back, whatever, you know, get their mojo back, fill in the word. But for me, it really comes down, there's a lot of things. It comes down to embodiment, but it also comes down to pleasure.

[00:09:20] And what I mean by the word pleasure is, I'm going to get, I'm going to get weird here for a second. So pleasure meaning taking our current circumstances and making them just a hair more palatable, right? So it's not even like, oh, this like, wow, wildly pleasurable thing. It's like, how can I make what's in front of me more tolerable, more enjoyable?

[00:09:45] Like, how can I just put on the light a little bit more? And that could be sure what you think of pleasure where, you know, where our brain goes. Pleasure could also be like really enjoying, I always use this example, the different textures in your kombucha or in your morning coffee or like, oh, I'm hearing, you know, a jazz, you know, jazz music. And I like really can hear the instruments and wow, I feel that. I feel that through my body instead of being like, I'm at a jazz concert, but I'm also on TikTok.

[00:10:13] And I'm also like, so, and it's, it's funny, right? Cause I'm saying pleasure and all these flashy things, but ultimately a lot of my work is about being present to the moment. It's like really being present. And here I am right here, right now. To enjoy the moment right now.

[00:10:34] 100%. And that's not to discount, right? Like when clients come to me, I'm like, look, like how I look at it is there's one foot in the door of here we are right here, right now, right? Like this is the moment to the best of our ability. How do we make it enjoyable or palatable or less painful? And I'm not saying then there's no future. There's no past there. There is, we also have a foot in the, we also have a foot in the future, right?

[00:11:00] So it's like, we still could desire things. You could still want accomplishments. So it's, we're still going after things. We're still creating. We're still, um, you know, putting our energy outward for the future. And we're also being like, cool, I'm doing that. And also here I am in this conversation, really chatting with you, really jamming, really enjoying. And I also am doing things in my life to move the needle forward for what I want. Like both get to coexist.

[00:11:28] Dang. Uh, let's talk about self-love because men suck at self-love. Yeah. Why do they suck at self-love and how can they improve their self-love? That's such a good question. I think there's so many reasons why I think, and, and, and first and foremost, I think there's a lot of shame.

[00:11:47] Right. Of like self-love. Oh no, that's, that's not for me. So if we think like, this is not for me, that's corny, that's like, that's whatever, fill in the blank of why that's not for you. You're not going to run towards that.

[00:12:30] No. That's not what we're talking about. But if that's what's being, you know, they're not going to gravitate towards that. They're like, that's not for me. Um, and the self-love that I'm talking about is deep self-respect, deep knowing, deep honoring. When have we, like, when is that really a conversation for men? So of course folks are not going to run towards it. Men are not going to run towards it because it's like this, what does that self-care even mean?

[00:12:58] We've made self-care almost like a spa day, if that makes sense. Right. Like when we first, one of the first images we do with self-care, it's like you think of like exterior. Yeah, exactly. Nails, a face mask, but we think of the exterior like, oh, self-care, self-care. I'm going to go to the movies, self-care, self-care.

[00:13:16] We love that if that fills your cup. But what I'm talking about is it's not an external experience. It's a deeply internal experience of knowing yourself, honoring yourself, like I said, respecting yourself and taking care of yourself. Yeah. So what are some of the practical ways men can begin to love themselves again? Oh, I love that. Oh, that's such a good question. I'm like, oh my God, we can talk about this for five days. So I'm like, wow, that's such a good one. I don't think men can listen to this.

[00:13:41] Yeah, no, no, no. They're like, lady, get to the point. I think first and foremost, like let's just start ground bottom, bottom of the barrel here is I think slowing down enough to listen to yourself, right? Like meaning listen to how are you, how are you speaking to yourself?

[00:13:59] Like that, I feel like that. I just want to start there. Like, do you even know what things you're saying about yourself? Do you even know what you want? Often like everyone falls into this, but especially when you feel like you don't deserve self-care or self-care or self-love isn't for you.

[00:14:16] So we're like, I don't really have wants or I don't really have needs or like I have these basic things. So I think first and foremost, it's like, hello, hi, where am I? Right? Like, yes, I know I'm achieving and I know I'm doing these things, but like, where am I? Like, how is my mental health? How am I speaking to myself?

[00:14:37] Do I like my life? Like, do I, like what's going on? It's almost like an audit, but an audit of ourselves of like, where am I? How am I speaking to myself? Am I going towards things that light me up? Am I actually taking care of myself? And that doesn't mean the nail, if you want to, God bless, but, but like, am I taking care of myself? Am I fueling myself? Am I allowing myself to rest and to sleep? Do I know what I want? Like, do I actually know what I want? And that could be as silly as,

[00:15:06] I always say to people like, do I even know what I like to eat or what I, what I, because we often get on autopilot, like on Tuesdays, I have turkey sandwiches and I go to the gym and blah, blah, blah. That's cool. But like, do I know what I want in the mundane, but also in the bigger scope of life? Or have I fallen into what I thought I was supposed to do with my life and with my time? I think that's a good, that's a good, healthy start. All right. There you go. Excuse me.

[00:15:35] How can men identify and break negative patterns from patch relationships? It's something we talked about earlier. How can we start to recognize them and, and not go down that road again? Yeah. I love that. I think you nailed it. Then the question, like identify it, you know? So for like, Hmm, this is happening again. It's like, cool. Like there's no shade, no judgment. What is that pattern? Right? Like what let's identify, like, what is that? You know, fill in the blank.

[00:16:04] I'm attracting people that are unavailable or highly anxious or, you know, use me or whatever, fill in the blank. But I think identifying some of the common, you know, common things that the pattern is, is a great start.

[00:16:21] And then from there it's, you get curious. Right. And that's why people like me have my work. Sometimes we could do it alone. Sometimes we need support. It's like, okay, cool. I'm seeing that I'm actually very avoidant. And then I attract very anxious people. Cool. I know what the pattern is. Why? You know, or like, how can I start to shake this? Like, I don't want to, it's so tiring.

[00:16:46] You know, the deal to get back on the merry-go-round time and time again. And like the person in front of you looks different, but it's the same, same old, same old, same old, same old. So it's like, we want to write. And it might be a little bit different, a little bit of a different flavor, but like, get, get off, get off the ride, get off. Let's, let's get off the ride and have some peace.

[00:17:06] So I think first and foremost, identify like, what, if this was a pattern, what does it look like? And how can I start to shift it? And again, sometimes we could do it alone. It's like, oh my God, you know, when I was seven, this happened, that's why I do this. Or for, but that, you know, we could, we could identify it. Or sometimes it's like, and I know we're getting better as a society, but often it's hard for men to ask for help.

[00:17:28] But this is a time to ask for help. Whether it be a support group, a coach, a therapist, sometimes these patterns just need some holding or sometimes we don't see it when we're in it. It's really, I know I'm hitting my head against the wall, right? Like I know there's something, what is this? And it's nothing inherently wrong or bad that you did, but we need support of like, have you checked this out?

[00:17:51] And I'm like, oh, I didn't even see that because I'm so deep in it. Or I, thank you. I just needed that someone to like see it from a bird's eye view. And then an extension of that is how can men recognize and cultivate authentic connections rather than superficial ones? That's so good. Kind of like red flags. What are some of the things that men should look out for? Yeah. A lot of these guys haven't been dating since December.

[00:18:19] Right. Right. So it's like, this is a whole, it's a whole new, I feel like honestly with dating every few years, it's a whole new world. So that's, that's a lot to, whoa, to walk into. Well, first and foremost, I want to go back to the authenticity piece and I think you nailed it. It's funny for women too, but especially for men in the dating coaching world, women too, sometimes.

[00:18:44] Yeah, sure. But like, especially for men, there's a lot of dating coaches and dating materials and it's like, get the woman or do these three steps. And I think you actually, you know, and it's like, it's enchanting. It's very like, I want to read that ebook. It's short. It's to the point. And I'm like, it's enchanting to want to, enchanting, seductive to want to go down that route.

[00:19:07] But you asked such a beautiful question. It's like being vulnerable is half the battle. Cause I always say with clients, right? Whoever is in my room, I'm saying like, when you're on a date, do you really see the person in front of you? Like versus casting, you know, like an image on them or, oh, they're like this and we're going to get married or whatever it is. Like, do you really see that person in front of you?

[00:19:31] Cool. Do you really, how do I say this? Are you allowing them to really see you? Cause it's one thing to see people. Right. And I see that for men a lot. They often can see we all, you know, I don't want to gender, but like often men are like, I could, I could kind of see the person in front of me, but often it feels very uncomfortable to be. For them to see you.

[00:19:55] Exactly. Exactly. And so I think that's a muscle we start to work, whether it's in dating or just in life. Like, Ooh, I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to be seen. That's a big muscle that, especially with my male clients that they're like, you know, I'm thinking about people. They're like, I saw her. I really saw, you know, I saw the red flags and I saw, I'm like, yes, it's awesome.

[00:20:20] And then I'm like, so are you really allowing yourself to be seen? And they're like, Oh, I hate you. I'm like, I know, I know, you know, they're like, you're so annoying, but are you really allowing yourself to be vulnerable?

[00:20:31] And that's also where the self-love work comes in, right? Where it's like, Oh, like I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable and being seen. And if this person thinks that's weird or, you know, they don't jam with it, I'm going to be okay. Like, cause I have that self-love. I have that fundamental, like, I know I'm cool. Like God bless them. Wish them the best. But like, I, I feel safe within myself that I can carry on and I, and, you know, carry on to the next journey.

[00:20:58] Something I used to do and, and I had to catch myself when I started dating. I always talked to my, about my divorce. Why do men do that? I mean, and I, and I found out eventually it was the kiss of death.

[00:21:13] Death, death, but it's a, it makes sense. I mean, it makes sense, right? It's like, you're coming off of this thing. It's life altering. It's very personal. It also often people, it's like, it's a way that you want to connect. So it makes sense. And also, you know, sometimes women can feel like us or anyone, but can feel like a safe space. So you're like, Oh, look, I'm sharing. And it's like, it's a beautiful intention. Right?

[00:21:39] Like, come on. I know. I know. It's a, it's, but it's, it's a really nice intention. Cause you're like, I'm trying to be vulnerable. I'm also it's, I know, I know. But right. You're like, you're trying to be vulnerable and you're also trying in a way, you're also trying to be like, and you're not like this, right? You know, or you're trying to let, you're both like, you're doing both. Right. You're like two for one special. I'm being vulnerable, but I'm also checking like, do you fit in this category? Um, so great intention. Yeah. I'm taking notes.

[00:22:08] Um, but yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's, as you know, it's like, Oh, like it's, it's not the vibe. It's not, it's not the vibe, but again, beautiful desire. It makes sense why it's available. It's right on the top of our, our heart. So it comes up and out, but yeah, it's, you know, the deal squashes, squashes the vibe. Just kills it.

[00:22:31] How can men set healthy boundaries with new partners? That's a tough one for men because they don't want to step on any toes. So the boundaries kind of go out the door and things get crazy. How can they set up healthy boundaries?

[00:22:46] I love that. I think first and foremost, identifying boundaries in your life and with yourself, you know, a lot of my male clients, it's funny. I actually literally had someone this week and we were going through dating profile questions and I think it was on hinge and he was like, Oh, one of them said, what are my boundaries? And I'm like, great. What did you put? He's like, I have no idea. I'm like, cool. Like that, Ada. And I hear that all the time with my men clients. Like, you know, exactly. Like, what is this question where women are like,

[00:23:15] hello, what's the, you know, like, tell me, I will tell you all of, you know, for some people, I'll tell you all my boundaries. But I, a lot of my male clients are like, I don't even know what, like, what are you taught? What does this entail? What does this mean? So I think first and foremost, like, what are my boundaries in life? But also what are my boundaries with myself? That's going back to the self-respect piece, the self-love piece. It's like, do I have boundaries with myself or am I like, you know, like, do I respect myself enough to put boundaries up with myself?

[00:23:44] Silly as like, am I scrolling till two o'clock in the morning? And it feels like horrible, but I like, do I, do I have boundaries where it's like, I made a commitment to myself to move my body to do this? Am I, am I honoring that? You know, so it's, it's very deeply connected to self-respect.

[00:24:01] Um, so first and foremost, naming boundaries within our own life, right? Like are starting to like, put our eye, you know, open our eyes a little bit deeper and saying like, where do I have boundaries in life? And, and not barriers, right? Not barriers, not walls. But do I, how am I honoring myself? And then from there, what are boundaries in relationships?

[00:24:24] What does that even mean? Am I cool? If someone calls me, you know, we just went on one date. Am I cool? If they call me every day, like, actually, am I cool with that? Maybe. Do I want to text from morning to night? Right? Like, or am I doing this? Cause I feel bad. I don't want her to feel rejected.

[00:24:43] Or, you know, am I like, what honestly, and this goes back to the pleasure piece, like what feels good? What feels good in our systems with dating? Like, you know, it would feel really good. And again, there's some compromise there, but it would feel really good maybe to send a good night text. I don't have capacity though for morning to night, sending back and forth texts, but like from a dating perspective, what would feel really good for me? And then if she needs something else, we could talk about it and compromise.

[00:25:10] But like, what are my healthy boundaries, not barriers? How can men do a better job? I'm trying to worry about this question. How can do, how can men do a better job with creating realistic expectations on intimacy, sex, and dating? Well, you just nailed it. There's so many unrealistic expectations when you start. Yeah. I was like, yeah. I was like, you just nailed it in the question. I'm like, yep. Yep. Yep.

[00:25:40] And they like, you know, get that center and say, hey, you know, I'm not 21 anymore. I'm 45 and things are a little different. So how can, how can they be ready to accept that better?

[00:25:53] Yeah. And let's be honest, right? There's not many great role models of what that realistically looks like. We have celebrity culture and, you know, pardon my French, but a lot of men don't have healthy mentors in this area. So where do you go to porn? Yep. Is that, that it, that it, hello? That's show business, show business. So realistic. So realistic.

[00:26:20] I'm like, that is what every situation is going to be. Go out there. You're good. Right? But it's like, there's not a lot of healthy mentors or examples or data. So yeah, you're going to go to those, you're going to lean on those things. And then when that doesn't hit, you're going to be like, this is raw.

[00:26:38] I'm wrong. She's wrong. Or this is wrong. Wrong, bad. I'm unsatisfied. So it does. It's a bummer. Like it actually is a bummer that there's not more healthy role models examples. And it's kind of our responsibility to find realistic expectations of what do I really desire, crave in intimacy?

[00:27:03] Because right now my view is so skewed. Like this is, this is Hollywood. Like this is, you know, and it's often for women, for everyone. Right. But for women, our version of that could be, could be short porn too, but is the Disney princess. Right.

[00:27:18] So it's like, we have the Disney princess or we have the rom-coms of, and then he's going to come in my way. And I'm talking very, you know, very gender, but you, you know what I'm saying? Right. We all fit into this in different ways. Oh, he's going to come away with the horse and all my problems are going to be washed away. And I'm going to be like, we, we have these skewed or my life is going to be a rom-com.

[00:27:39] And we, and then when that doesn't happen, there's so much wrongness placed on us placed on the guy. This is wrong. I got to break up with them. Bad, bad, bad, which is intense. So we all have deep conditioning or deep unconditioning to do around like what is healthy and what do I really need in this relationship intimately across the board? It'd be like www.realexpectationssex.com.

[00:28:05] Right. Literally, literally. So short. It'd be a bunch of pictures. Exactly. This is what it's, this is more of a vibe. It could be this the way it is. Right. When you think about it, it's like we have for me, think about just the, the, the porn aspect, right? Years and years and years and years of, or not even that, just watching a Netflix show or watching a show. We have years of conditioning of what this should look like.

[00:28:34] And also talk about embodiment. Sorry. I was like, I have to get back to this. It's so good. But talk about embodiment often. Cause it's from our head. We're like, Oh, this is what it should look like. This is what it should look like. We don't even know. Like, what does my body like? What do I even like? I don't know. I just watched it on a screen and I was taught that this is what I'm supposed to like. It's like, what does your body like? This sounds crazy, but really, and I don't even, it's sure this could be sexually, but non-sexually too.

[00:29:00] Like, do I like like feather, like touch or do I want more like firm touch? Or I want someone to be really present or someone softer. Like we don't even have awareness of that because we're so wrapped into our head, wrapped into what we've seen of this is what I'm supposed to want. And this is supposed, this is how it's supposed to be, which sucks. It robs us of our own experience. Now, is that what you call embodied empathy? Yes. Love that. Nailed it.

[00:29:31] Yeah. And so how do you develop it then? Love this. You start to build this relationship by knowing yourself. So often I'll ask clients like, well, what do you like? And they're like, I don't know. Like, let's backtrack before we even go intimately. Like, what do you even like to eat? And they're like, I don't know. Again, I get a turkey sandwich every Tuesday because it's close to my office. I don't really know. And so I have a tool, it's called Pleasure Research.

[00:30:00] It's from one of my teachers, Regina Thomas Schauer. And Pleasure Research is almost as if you're a kid again, exploring the world for the first time. So I used to do this work, you know, when I first got this tool, I'd be like, I hate sushi. I hate sushi. I hate sushi. And then I was like, do I even know if I like sushi? Like, I just, I made that proclamation and I'm like, I don't even know if I know. And so for the sake of Pleasure Research, I was like, I'm just going to try. And I was like, oh, what's this?

[00:30:28] Like, I actually like, like, do I want it every day? No. But I was like, I actually like this. I didn't know, like, I was so on autopilot. I didn't really know what music I like really liked, really was moved by. I didn't really know what food I, like, sure, like the general, of course. But so I invite Pleasure Research. And that could be, you start that with the five senses, right? Like, that could be smell, scent, whatever, all those. And then intimately, when you are in those intimate moments, whether it's with a partner

[00:30:58] or with yourself, is it bada bing, bada boom, we go through the same routine, you know? Like, well, it's time for an intimacy, one, two, three step, the usual, which is cool. Or is it like, are you asking yourself, what does my body want? And today I'm like, I don't know if I want aggressive or today, or I don't know if I want this. Like, do we even know what type of touch we like? You know, when I was doing my sexual empowerment certifications, our teacher would always say,

[00:31:26] you know, before you jump into any exercise, whether it's sexual or any exercise, like, I need you to ask your body, like, almost like, do I have consent for this? You know, like, is it cool if we move forward? Because we're, you know, the deal is like, we're so like, let's go, let's go, let's get this over with. So I know I'm going on a rant here, but I think it's really important to, that's part of the embodiment. Like, do I even know what feels good? Or am I doing the same old routine?

[00:31:54] And this sounds like wild, but I have my clients, like, in their solo practice, like, change things up. Like, listen to music. Do you like that? Or was that so distracting, annoying? Light some candles. Did you like that? I hated it. You know, or like, just start to research, like, this touch, I always go right to, forgive me, you know, pardon my French, but like, I go right to my genitals. Like, maybe not. Maybe like, oh, I had a really hard day. Yeah, like, I'm just going to touch my neck for a second and just like, take a deep breath and touch my belly or whatever.

[00:32:23] But it's like, we so often have no idea where our body is and what we want. So this conversation is like, I invite us to start to know and investigate what we want intimately, but also like, as a human walking through life. Wow. So you've got, well, it's been just over a half hour and my men have a half hour attention span.

[00:32:47] You've got the attention of all the men, all my men out there, and you can give them three pieces of advice on the way out. What would they be? Oh, that's so good. Okay. I'm gonna make this bullet point. I have to say pleasure. So pleasure can be a healing. Pleasure is for you. And pleasure is a healing modality is one. And like we talked about, that could be what we just talked about, right? We just came off of this topic.

[00:33:13] Like, you're worthy of investigating what lights you up, what feels good. Let's, let's try to try to do that. Number two is self-love, self-respect, self-care is for everyone. And it's also not a treat. It's not a, yeah, it's not a treat at the end. It's not a cherry on top. It's fundamental for our growth and our thriving. And number three, thriving and having a life you love isn't corny.

[00:33:41] It's not a silly, frivolous thing. It's your birthright. And you're, I encourage you, you are worthy of creating a life that feels really good. That, that lights you up. That is filled with purpose. Filled with what makes you feel alive. And you're worthy of that. And it's, it's your birthright. So don't, don't waste it. All right, Erica, you knocked it out of the park. Good job. Thank you. This was a ball. Oh yeah, man.

[00:34:11] You got to spice it up a little bit, man. You got to have the, you know, it's almost like hot ones without the hot sauce. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I love it. Let the man out there know where to find you on internet. Yes. So you can visit me at www.wethelight.org. I'll make my, my speech really quick. I love free resources and I love giving free resources to different folks for different, different things. Right. So on the website, you can find my podcast, my blog.

[00:34:38] And I also offer a free introductory introduction session, which is totally complimentary. It's a full session for folks to get a taste of like, Hey, Erica, I want to work through this. It's quite literally no strings attached. So if you're like, I like your vibe, like let's jam. We jam. If you're like, I like your vibe, but I want to work with a man. I'll recommend you, you know? So it's like, I always say to people take that. Cause I don't always offer it. I don't always offer that free session, that free consultation. It's a great starting point.

[00:35:04] And like we talked about this conversation, we need to be held whether in, you know, in all the ways we need to be held by community. So I'm like, take this resource. It's free. I want to be there with you. I'll be your biggest cheerleader and companion. So go to wetelight.org and you can get all the free goodies. And I also have an ebook, but get those free goodies. Cause you're worthy, worthy and deserving of that. All right. Okay. Thanks for your time this morning.