Men in Divorce Recovery using their sexual drive to create abundance in all areas of their lives - Matt Cook || DPTSP #058 || David

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast, the podcast that through special guests finds different superpowers in order for men over 40 to recover from divorce.

[00:00:08] Welcome Matt to the show. He's a coach who specializes in helping men use their sexual drive to create abundance in all areas of their lives.

[00:00:17] I can't wait for this one, guys. This is going to be very interesting.

[00:00:20] He specializes in preaching committed long term relationships and has been with his partner for almost 40 years.

[00:00:27] I'll give Matt the mic and then we'll go from there. I got a couple questions for you.

[00:00:44] Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce.

[00:00:58] So go ahead, Matt.

[00:00:59] That is a super introduction. Thank you so much.

[00:01:02] Actually, since you, this is a divorce man and getting a new start and a good start.

[00:01:07] I was a baby when my parents divorced and that was a long time ago.

[00:01:12] And they had a very contentious divorce that went on for years and years.

[00:01:15] And I vowed I never wanted to have that for my children.

[00:01:20] And I didn't.

[00:01:21] And the thing is that when we meet the person that we may fall in love with and get married to or have a long term relationship with, we don't know anything.

[00:01:29] We don't know a thing.

[00:01:29] We're so, especially men, we just, maybe we get lucky with the first one.

[00:01:34] Maybe.

[00:01:35] But so often we don't.

[00:01:36] And I just got lucky.

[00:01:38] Honestly, I didn't know what I was doing.

[00:01:39] And here I am almost 40 years later and just more in love than ever.

[00:01:44] And I have to say, sounds clinical, but it's a protocol.

[00:01:48] It's something that I figured out over the years.

[00:01:51] And I've taught it to a lot of guys.

[00:01:52] I have about 80,000 men that I've coached since 2012.

[00:01:57] And we started out with sex stuff and helping them with that.

[00:02:00] And then it started to get into health because a lot of the guys had health issues.

[00:02:05] And I'm a health researcher.

[00:02:06] They had health issues that were causing to have erectile dysfunction and depression, anxiety.

[00:02:12] Very common with men today.

[00:02:14] So much anxiety.

[00:02:16] Women get depressed.

[00:02:17] Men get anxious.

[00:02:18] And so I found this system.

[00:02:21] It got me so excited because when my marriage was like, this is boring.

[00:02:26] Is this all there is?

[00:02:27] It was about 15 years ago.

[00:02:29] I loved my wife, but I thought, oh, man, I haven't really sown enough wild oats yet.

[00:02:34] I haven't really gotten out there.

[00:02:36] And this is a sex is boring.

[00:02:38] And I sit in the every night with porn.

[00:02:42] And that led me to using my research.

[00:02:44] And I spent a year and a half.

[00:02:46] And I just stumbled on a small group of people that were doing this practice.

[00:02:52] And that's what brought me into really being a full, really starting to get into this full time and help so many men.

[00:02:58] And I think it's the fact that you use it.

[00:03:01] Most of us follow programs like we call it instinct.

[00:03:05] I think of it as programs that are built into us around sex.

[00:03:08] And those programs are not designed to make us happy.

[00:03:14] Nature doesn't care what nature wants us to do is spread our seed around and make babies with somebody.

[00:03:22] That's not happy babies.

[00:03:25] So it is designed for us to look at other people and get dissatisfied because then maybe we'll find someone else and make some more babies.

[00:03:32] That's how we're here.

[00:03:33] If you think about it, we're the success of all of our ancestors and making babies and nature didn't care if they were happy.

[00:03:40] It just wanted them to procreate.

[00:03:42] But there's another program I discovered that is the key to an amazing happiness and satisfaction where you can't get enough of the other person.

[00:03:50] And it's pretty easy to tap into if you know it's there.

[00:03:55] And that's what I figured out.

[00:03:57] And I just have the kind of feelings for my wife like I did when we were first, we first met in the honeymoon period.

[00:04:04] Everybody.

[00:04:05] I don't know if you remember this when you were married at the beginning, you met your wife at the beginning.

[00:04:09] There's a excitement.

[00:04:11] Yeah.

[00:04:11] And they, we call that the honeymoon period.

[00:04:14] There's like a home thing.

[00:04:15] That's just incredible.

[00:04:17] And once that wears off, that's the first stage when a couple has a crisis.

[00:04:25] That's about a year, nine months, a year.

[00:04:27] Those chemicals were out.

[00:04:29] And then we go, Oh, what is she like?

[00:04:30] Really?

[00:04:31] She got the skin thing.

[00:04:32] And we start fighting for all and she gets reactive.

[00:04:36] Women are reactive anyway.

[00:04:38] She gets reactive and then it goes back.

[00:04:40] Now we might survive that somehow and it's okay.

[00:04:42] And time goes on, but then we might hit another.

[00:04:44] Do you know how long marriages typically last today, David?

[00:04:48] Oh, 10.

[00:04:50] Yeah, exactly.

[00:04:51] Eight to 10.

[00:04:51] You got it.

[00:04:52] Exactly.

[00:04:53] So what's happening?

[00:04:54] And that's the first marriages.

[00:04:55] So there's that period.

[00:04:56] I think it starts about five or six years into it.

[00:04:59] We go, and that's a lot of people.

[00:05:01] They just don't make it after a few years after that.

[00:05:03] They're just satisfaction.

[00:05:04] And look today.

[00:05:07] We're not taught to, you know, stick with something.

[00:05:11] I don't know.

[00:05:11] My grandparents, they had a terrible marriage and they had a, they were married for 70 years.

[00:05:16] On the end.

[00:05:16] Right?

[00:05:17] Yeah.

[00:05:17] And so I figured this out and it just changed everything.

[00:05:21] It was so amazing that, and I shared it with everybody.

[00:05:26] And eventually I coached a lot of people on it and just thousands and thousands, and they

[00:05:30] have all had the same success that I've had.

[00:05:32] Most of the men, but actually it's easier if women started, but most of the men as I've

[00:05:38] coached and they've been thrilled with it.

[00:05:39] And it's just worked out so well.

[00:05:41] And especially for people that are at 40, 50, 60, 70, 80.

[00:05:44] Now this is the kind of thing that at the beginning when you're really young, you could

[00:05:48] go and you do again.

[00:05:50] And so fine.

[00:05:51] And women have a high sex drive typically before perimenopause.

[00:05:56] But what happens later is women, a lot of times lose a lot of their sex drive if they're

[00:06:01] with the same partner.

[00:06:02] That's just, but it doesn't matter anymore.

[00:06:04] It doesn't make any difference.

[00:06:06] But I call it nirvana sex.

[00:06:08] It's probably, I don't mean it as a religious reference to the East.

[00:06:11] It's just not a good, because it feels like nirvana to me.

[00:06:13] That's the kind of life that people live when they're in this.

[00:06:17] Wow.

[00:06:17] Let's get to the crux of the, of the elephant in the room.

[00:06:21] How can men over 40 leverage their sexual drive to create an abundance in their lives

[00:06:29] post-divorce?

[00:06:30] What kind of energy can they transfer in order to get through their divorce?

[00:06:36] Have you heard of, and I'm not a fan, but I just want to know, have you heard of semen

[00:06:40] retention?

[00:06:41] There's a big Reddit subreddit with 350,000 guys on it.

[00:06:44] Have you heard of that?

[00:06:45] No.

[00:06:46] Yeah.

[00:06:46] So they're like, Oh, I'm not going to have an orgasm.

[00:06:49] I'm not going to ejaculate, which for men is pretty much the same thing.

[00:06:53] And they support each other.

[00:06:55] And there's a, Oh, I went 90 days.

[00:06:57] Oh, I blew it.

[00:06:58] I went 120 and I just failed.

[00:07:00] This is a Reddit.

[00:07:01] Seriously?

[00:07:02] Subreddit.

[00:07:02] Yeah.

[00:07:03] Big thing, big movement.

[00:07:04] And mostly younger men.

[00:07:07] And there's another, which we're somewhat responsible for, because I was with this group and we just

[00:07:12] blew this up.

[00:07:12] It's called, they call it no fap on Reddit.

[00:07:15] And these are men who are not going to masturbate.

[00:07:17] So there's one group that's not going to come and one group's not going to masturbate.

[00:07:22] Unfortunately, what this ends up doing, there's some positives to it for the short term.

[00:07:26] But what this does is it gives guys an excuse not to get back into it, not to try to find a girlfriend.

[00:07:31] They're just so focused on the bros on the social media, basically, on getting approval from this peer group of their so-called friends,

[00:07:40] that they don't actually get out there and meet women.

[00:07:42] So what you can do as a man is you can stop dissipating your sexual energies.

[00:07:48] By that, I don't mean just don't masturbate as much.

[00:07:52] The sex drive for men is amazing because it's very powerful.

[00:07:57] You can get tremendous results with a strong sex drive.

[00:08:02] And you can build a strong sex drive if you don't already have one.

[00:08:05] And women can tell.

[00:08:07] It makes it much easier to meet in person.

[00:08:10] They can tell.

[00:08:11] There's pheromones release and all that.

[00:08:13] And so that's one thing that is the easiest thing.

[00:08:15] And I recommend that guys go on a, I know this will sound weird, but a schedule for ejaculations.

[00:08:22] Like you can masturbate, but just don't come.

[00:08:25] Maybe every three days or four days you come.

[00:08:28] That builds a lot of sexual energy.

[00:08:31] At the beginning, it's hard to do because you get the blue balls.

[00:08:34] You get sore afterwards where it congested and it's painful.

[00:08:38] And sometimes you have to ejaculate to get rid of that.

[00:08:39] But you learn to relax that area.

[00:08:41] And I teach that you learn how to relax that area when you're doing it.

[00:08:43] And you actually build this very strong sex drive.

[00:08:47] You feel very powerful.

[00:08:49] You feel very masculine.

[00:08:51] And it's so much easier to meet women and be assertive with women.

[00:08:56] And it's an amazing thing because men today, I said, look, man, if you're over 40 today,

[00:09:01] you've got a big advantage because the young guys are just emasculated these days.

[00:09:05] Testosterone levels are low.

[00:09:06] A lot of them are not that masculine anymore.

[00:09:08] And our generation, the older is.

[00:09:11] And so this makes us very attractive to women.

[00:09:15] Wow.

[00:09:16] So what are some of the other specific steps you recommend for men to transform their sexual energy

[00:09:22] into motivation for personal and professional growth?

[00:09:26] Yeah.

[00:09:26] One of the things that really is destructive to professional growth and masculine energy

[00:09:32] is the use of porn.

[00:09:34] And I found that porn is very destructive, especially video porn.

[00:09:39] And it tends to, some men are okay with some of it, but it tends to, again, dissipate a man's sexual energy

[00:09:45] because the part of the brain doesn't know the difference between real and porn.

[00:09:49] And so you're satisfying that itch.

[00:09:52] You're scratching that itch with porn in the brain.

[00:09:54] So the way that we get something in life is by going after it, is by having a pressure to go from where we are

[00:10:00] to where we want to be, right?

[00:10:02] It's like that.

[00:10:03] You go to school to get a credential.

[00:10:04] You have pressure.

[00:10:05] You have to have some pressure pushing you to get to that point and achieve that degree.

[00:10:10] So with porn, it scratches the itch.

[00:10:13] So we don't have to, we feel like we don't really have to go out and make it happen as much.

[00:10:17] And I think that's probably the reason why men today, young men are so messed up because they grew up with porn.

[00:10:22] And during the developmental years, sexually, yeah, during the developmental years, if you discovered like porn early,

[00:10:28] that screws you up for life and it takes, you can get out of it.

[00:10:31] It takes some time, but it messes you up a lot.

[00:10:35] And then you're not likely to go after real women and real opportunities.

[00:10:38] And that's why we have a whole generation of young men that are just lost and alone, alone on their phones.

[00:10:43] And I think porn is one of the worst things.

[00:10:45] So that would be my first, first suggestion, David.

[00:10:48] Yeah.

[00:10:49] Stop.

[00:10:49] If you are getting this porn, use written porn, like what we call erotica.

[00:10:54] Okay.

[00:10:54] Like there's sites like little erotica and lush stories that just have stories.

[00:10:58] If you argue this porn stories are better because it's in your brain, you're fantasizing to follow the story rather than watching a video.

[00:11:06] And you're not having these idealized images.

[00:11:09] Video is so much more toxic than just a pornographic erotic story.

[00:11:14] It's almost like you're being spoon fed.

[00:11:15] Oh yeah, exactly.

[00:11:17] And it really does.

[00:11:19] And what we've done when I work with all these men is a lot of times they stop responding to normal, whatever it was that they got into.

[00:11:27] And then they got into more extreme porn.

[00:11:30] And a lot of them ended up getting into gay porn, even though they weren't really gay.

[00:11:34] But then they said, maybe I am a little gay.

[00:11:36] Maybe I am gay.

[00:11:37] I don't know.

[00:11:38] And it really was just the porn that was messing up because when they stopped porn, they decided, oh no, I'm very much straight.

[00:11:44] I really want a woman.

[00:11:46] Isn't that amazing that it has that effect on so many men?

[00:11:49] So you emphasize committed long term relationships.

[00:11:52] What advice do you have or give to men looking to rebuild trust and intimacy after a divorce?

[00:12:00] Because they're broken.

[00:12:01] We're broken.

[00:12:02] We're trying to rebuild.

[00:12:04] What are some of the things we can do in order to rebuild that trust and or intimacy?

[00:12:10] So do you think that if I can answer that question is the problem for men, women is the problem getting over the I need to say baggage getting over the trauma they've been through?

[00:12:20] What do you think?

[00:12:21] I think it's part A, because if you don't fix part A, getting over the baggage, then you can't meet.

[00:12:27] You can't move on to the next one.

[00:12:31] Yeah.

[00:12:32] So I'm a big fan of approaching women cold, just talking to women in person.

[00:12:37] You're going to run out of people that you work with or people your friends know or your family knows pretty quickly.

[00:12:43] And then you're going to have to do something.

[00:12:45] So what people tend to do is they go on the apps.

[00:12:48] The apps are completely terrible for men.

[00:12:51] I'm sure you've seen those videos where they show a woman, they set up an account, a woman gets hundreds of messages a day and the man gets zero messages in a week.

[00:13:00] Zero.

[00:13:01] The apps are completely stacked against men.

[00:13:03] And some men do very well with the apps that are very young and good looking.

[00:13:07] They get laid a lot, but they don't really.

[00:13:08] That's not what I'm talking about.

[00:13:10] I recommend it in person.

[00:13:11] And I know it's going to seem like a weird plug.

[00:13:13] I'll just say I have a factory that one of my businesses, we make these pheromone type colognes and things like that.

[00:13:20] I think that you could do something to give you some confidence and just be ready to do a really poor job talking to a girl.

[00:13:27] Be prepared to be awful.

[00:13:28] Be really good at being terrible.

[00:13:29] All it is is just doing it and be terrible.

[00:13:32] And here's the thing, David, you've got to interrupt women today.

[00:13:35] You can't just wait for them to have a free moment because here she is on the phone.

[00:13:41] You have to be around.

[00:13:42] Excuse me.

[00:13:43] I just noticed you and I didn't want to go.

[00:13:46] I thought you're very attractive and I didn't want to just walk by and not say hello.

[00:13:51] And some of them are going to be pissed off and some of them are going to be pissed off.

[00:13:54] I have a boyfriend.

[00:13:55] But I think about maybe three out of 10, you'll get a decent response and you'll get a date one or two times or phone numbers.

[00:14:02] And once you start doing it, you're never, ever going to ever face a problem where you're meeting women again.

[00:14:08] Always be.

[00:14:09] And I know you can join groups.

[00:14:10] Certainly, I always recommend our guys do salsa dancing or dancing because that's mostly women.

[00:14:17] And even if you're terrible dancing, horrible.

[00:14:19] I couldn't dance at all, but I went to lessons and you'll meet a lot of women.

[00:14:24] And the reason I recommend salsa ballroom is you go from one part to the next.

[00:14:28] You're holding them.

[00:14:29] You're maintaining eye contact.

[00:14:30] It's a great way to get used to women again.

[00:14:33] Quality, not quality.

[00:14:35] Yeah.

[00:14:35] Yeah.

[00:14:35] At the time.

[00:14:36] And then they meet afterwards and you'll be a part of a little group to go out for drinks or whatever.

[00:14:39] And that's a really good.

[00:14:40] I found a lot of men, women that way, but that'll give you more confidence to start approaching women.

[00:14:46] You have to forget apps and forget electronics.

[00:14:49] You have to approach women.

[00:14:50] That's basically the secret.

[00:14:52] And it's not difficult.

[00:14:52] You just do it.

[00:14:53] And the hardest thing is just doing it.

[00:14:55] What I found useful, my big tip for this is expect a negative result.

[00:15:01] Real expectations.

[00:15:03] Yeah.

[00:15:04] Matt, why would I do it if I expect it?

[00:15:05] No, you expect a negative result with this girl.

[00:15:08] But if you do 10 girls, you're going to get a positive result with one, two or three of them.

[00:15:11] You just don't know which one, but expect each approach to be bad because then you're not going to be upset if it is bad.

[00:15:19] And that's what I always recommend.

[00:15:21] It works really well.

[00:15:22] I was going to ask you a question.

[00:15:24] Thank God for editing.

[00:15:26] So a guy over 40 has been divorced.

[00:15:29] He's trying to recoup.

[00:15:31] He's gotten over his ex.

[00:15:32] He's getting out there.

[00:15:34] And I think the we should have real list expectations as the actual sex act, because sometimes we get in our own way.

[00:15:44] Yeah.

[00:15:45] And things happen.

[00:15:46] And I want to portray the men out there.

[00:15:48] If something happens, if you can't get it, don't take it.

[00:15:51] Oh, I have a lot.

[00:15:53] I don't understand that because some of the guys I started with had ED.

[00:15:57] I liked ED when I started out too.

[00:15:59] As you know, I got so heavily into porn.

[00:16:01] It gave me ED.

[00:16:02] It does give a lot of men ED, by the way.

[00:16:03] So if you quit porn, a lot of times ED gets better.

[00:16:06] But so the thing to remember is, if as you're over 40, when you're having sex, you're trying to have sex, you're going to have sex.

[00:16:13] A lot of women now have already slept with men and had sexual problems.

[00:16:17] It's not like they're not familiar with it.

[00:16:19] So that's one thing.

[00:16:21] It's not like you're the only person.

[00:16:23] But I also feel that it's not a good idea to just jump into bed and have sex with somebody on the first date or the second date, maybe not even a third date.

[00:16:33] Because what I suggest as a way of assuring that you're going to have the best, happiest sexual outcome and romantic outcome is that you build oxytocin with this person first.

[00:16:45] Oxytocin is, as you sure know, is they call the love hormone.

[00:16:48] It's a hormone that's increased when we like somebody and we're touching them and looking into their eyes and holding hands, cuddling.

[00:16:56] This is why in the old days, the previous generation before the pill, they would do what they call necking and petting and all that because they didn't have sex.

[00:17:04] But they got used to each other sexually before they actually had intercourse.

[00:17:09] So what if and what you say is, I'd like to take it slow with you.

[00:17:14] I really like you.

[00:17:15] I don't want to just jump into bed right away.

[00:17:17] And the best thing to do is to cuddle and all.

[00:17:20] And a lot of men love cuddling.

[00:17:21] They don't like admit it because it's not masculine, but actually everybody loves it.

[00:17:26] And that's the thing.

[00:17:27] And then you do that a time or two on a date with your underwear.

[00:17:30] You don't go into sex.

[00:17:31] You didn't let her go down on you.

[00:17:34] That is what really helps build trust and romantic feelings.

[00:17:38] So now when you do have intercourse, there's a guaranteed way to make it happen, which I teach called intercourse anytime.

[00:17:44] There's no way.

[00:17:45] There's absolutely no way that you can fail with that, whether or not you get an erection.

[00:17:49] But you're much more likely to get an erection and be very happy and have those romantic feelings if you built oxytocin first.

[00:17:57] Wow.

[00:17:57] Talk about your genes chafing you.

[00:18:00] Yes.

[00:18:02] The thing is that men, every time I talk, I teach this method.

[00:18:07] Every day I got misdemeaned.

[00:18:08] This doesn't work.

[00:18:10] I have this little problem.

[00:18:11] But I say, no, it works.

[00:18:13] It always works.

[00:18:13] It's very easy.

[00:18:14] And they do it.

[00:18:15] Oh, my God, you're right, man.

[00:18:16] It's really great.

[00:18:17] I never have to worry about having an erection or not.

[00:18:20] I can have intercourse anytime, whether or not I have an erection.

[00:18:24] And once you're, it's a soft entry method.

[00:18:27] Once you're inside, a lot of times you'll get a really good erection.

[00:18:29] And I found ways to help her get an orgasm.

[00:18:32] She doesn't even know the difference between what people don't realize is that women have all of their nerve sensors are either in their clitoris or the first half an inch inside of their vagina.

[00:18:43] They don't actually have a lot of nerve endings inside, really.

[00:18:47] And so their pleasure is felt really on the very shallow insertion.

[00:18:52] And if you don't have an erection, she can still get just as much pleasure and you can get just as much pleasure.

[00:18:57] And once you get into this, just having intercourse, a lot of times gets you back into having really good erections again.

[00:19:02] Yeah.

[00:19:03] Especially if it's been a long time, especially if you've been using porn.

[00:19:07] How can men combat societal stigmas around discussing their sexual health and emotional struggles?

[00:19:14] Those kind of go hand in hand sometimes.

[00:19:17] Yeah, I will tell you something a little.

[00:19:19] I know you probably know this, but when women generally don't want to hear from men when they're, when they're having problems, they just do not.

[00:19:26] So I think it's good to have a men's group that you can talk to.

[00:19:29] I think women really don't want to hear about men's problems, especially if you, my wife is the most amazing woman.

[00:19:37] And I'll tell her about some of my problems with my work because I run three different companies.

[00:19:42] And there's always going to be some issues, right?

[00:19:45] But she doesn't really want to know about it too much because she wants to just feel like everything's fine.

[00:19:49] We're secure.

[00:19:50] We're fine.

[00:19:51] So women don't want to hear from men who are having problems.

[00:19:53] Like they're not expected to hear about women's problems, but women do not want to hear about men's problems.

[00:19:57] So you have to go and join a kind of a men's group.

[00:20:00] I think those are very good.

[00:20:01] I know one of the guys working for me has a really good church men's group.

[00:20:05] They meet every week and it's been really helpful for him.

[00:20:08] And now he's married and has a baby and they want to get another one.

[00:20:11] And he starts doing great.

[00:20:12] Thanks to the men's group.

[00:20:14] Wow.

[00:20:14] What are some of the most significant changes you've observed in men's attitudes toward relationships and sexuality over the years?

[00:20:22] Have things changed?

[00:20:23] Have things stayed the same?

[00:20:25] What about that?

[00:20:25] Yeah, the changes are just terrible, David.

[00:20:30] Men are expected to be sexual robots.

[00:20:32] And they think they are.

[00:20:34] And they think they are because of the use of porn.

[00:20:38] High speed video porn started around the year 2000.

[00:20:41] So here we are 25 years later.

[00:20:45] But already we're just thoroughly programmed to have rough sex, have very novel sex acts.

[00:20:52] And we're supposed to get it up and have erections robotically and act robotically.

[00:20:56] And women are supposed to be idealized.

[00:20:58] And none of it is true.

[00:21:00] That's one reason porn is harmful because of the comparison between what can porn in the real world.

[00:21:06] The guys at porn are taking drugs to get erections to do their thing every day.

[00:21:10] That's to go into a porn thing.

[00:21:12] I've talked to them.

[00:21:13] They're taking drugs.

[00:21:14] They do these injections of their penis, for example, to get an erection and maintain a long erection.

[00:21:19] So that's the big thing that's changed.

[00:21:21] It's the effect of expectations sexually and the expectation that just to have a sex act right away.

[00:21:28] And that's the worst thing.

[00:21:29] I'm not saying that you can't have a long trip.

[00:21:31] I have an associate.

[00:21:33] He met a girl.

[00:21:34] She was 18.

[00:21:35] He was 30.

[00:21:37] They had sex on the first date.

[00:21:38] And now they have six children.

[00:21:40] Believe it or not, she's about 30 and there are six children later.

[00:21:44] And they're very happy together.

[00:21:46] That's a rare thing.

[00:21:47] Most of the time when people jump into bed, it doesn't work out well.

[00:21:50] So I would say the thing that changes this casual approach to sex that is very negative and very harmful.

[00:21:55] If you're looking for a really good girlfriend, then you don't want to have sex right away.

[00:22:03] Wow.

[00:22:04] What's the most important lesson that you've learned being with your wife for 40 years?

[00:22:10] What are some of the most important things that you've learned being with her and having that abundance of love?

[00:22:16] The most important thing I've learned is that if it is to be, it is up to me.

[00:22:19] I've always, I've observed my own thorough behavior at times.

[00:22:24] My frustration, for example.

[00:22:25] And I'll give you an instance.

[00:22:27] So this is something that happens in any relationship.

[00:22:30] A woman might be in the kitchen and she drops some food on the floor when she's cooking or she drops a dish and she's upset.

[00:22:37] Women sometimes, and then I get upset.

[00:22:39] But a lot of times the man gets upset when the woman's upset.

[00:22:42] It could be a little irritating thing.

[00:22:43] And then there's this ping pong effect back and forth when it escalates.

[00:22:47] So I realized that I don't have to get upset if she's upset anymore.

[00:22:51] It's hard because you love somebody and you have these mirror neurons and you want to be in the same mental space they are.

[00:22:58] So if she's getting upset, you feel like you should be annoyed upset.

[00:23:00] But the biggest lesson I learned is that as a man, you're better off being the rock and being the, I wouldn't say the shock absorber would be a good way of putting it.

[00:23:09] Women love a man who's a good shock absorber.

[00:23:11] And the more I've learned how to not get upset when my wife is upset, the more she's calmed down.

[00:23:16] And it's made me happier.

[00:23:18] So I think that's, maybe that's a small thing, but to me it's been a big thing.

[00:23:22] When she drops food on the floor, what you do is you grab that ass, man.

[00:23:25] Yeah, of course you do.

[00:23:26] You have to do that all the time.

[00:23:28] All the time.

[00:23:28] It never stops.

[00:23:29] Slurting never stops.

[00:23:31] Good point.

[00:23:32] Oh my God.

[00:23:33] All the time.

[00:23:34] Teasing, sexual teasing.

[00:23:35] Amazing.

[00:23:36] And, and I'll tell you something, this is saying nobody believes.

[00:23:39] Uh, I've talked to many people about it.

[00:23:41] I, you can have sex twice a day when you're, have been married 40 years.

[00:23:47] How about that?

[00:23:48] You can.

[00:23:49] I do.

[00:23:50] I tell you a lot of people do.

[00:23:51] It's just that for women, the benefits of sex kind of fade away the way it's done normally by the time they hit perimenopause, which is the time before menopause, when their periods become irregular.

[00:24:03] And then they get to menopause when their periods stop altogether.

[00:24:05] A lot of times women sex drive falls.

[00:24:07] Now they're more interested in other things, their friends, their kids, and that sex is something they're no longer interested in.

[00:24:14] But the way that I teach sex and I've on a sex women are very interested in and want to do it a lot.

[00:24:20] Even if they have no sex drive, they love it.

[00:24:22] And there's no problem anymore.

[00:24:24] And I would say that one of the biggest problems that face relationships is the dead bedroom.

[00:24:31] And this is eliminated with this little system, right?

[00:24:33] Wouldn't you agree?

[00:24:34] You can't really have a relationship without frequent sex in a good relationship.

[00:24:37] And what happens usually is like pre divorce, the sex stops and when divorce happens, so they got frustrated having sex.

[00:24:45] He's frustrating at divorce.

[00:24:46] It's just frustration.

[00:24:47] Oh yeah.

[00:24:48] Oh yeah.

[00:24:49] And there's always a, all you think about is sex or that's all you care about or whatever.

[00:24:52] Men are pretty simple that way.

[00:24:54] We want sex.

[00:24:54] We want peace and we want sex basically.

[00:24:57] Yeah.

[00:24:58] It's not that complicated.

[00:24:59] So I'm always flabbergasted that men will put up with a dead bedroom because you shouldn't.

[00:25:05] You really shouldn't.

[00:25:06] It's bad for everybody and it's unnecessary.

[00:25:10] Explain to my man out there over 40 how important communication in doing sex is.

[00:25:14] It's huge.

[00:25:15] Guys have a hard time with that.

[00:25:17] Yeah.

[00:25:17] I'm going to, I'm going to tell you something I think is controversial.

[00:25:20] I don't think talking about sex is usually a very good idea.

[00:25:24] If you are going to talk about sex, the worst place is in the bedroom.

[00:25:27] You want to anchor good things in the bedroom, right?

[00:25:31] You don't want to anchor anything that's going to go off the rails.

[00:25:33] So that's out of the bedroom.

[00:25:35] But I really think words don't work well.

[00:25:37] I think that nonverbal communication is the most effective thing and it doesn't take that many words.

[00:25:42] So let's just give an example.

[00:25:44] Let's say you're with a woman and you would like her to give you oral sex.

[00:25:49] And you don't have to use a lot of words.

[00:25:51] You could point and encourage her to go down on you.

[00:25:54] It doesn't take much money.

[00:25:55] And now she may not enjoy it that much.

[00:25:57] You can tell.

[00:25:57] Now there may be some communication.

[00:25:59] Hopefully if she wants to please you, you can have her get better at it or whatever.

[00:26:02] But I've found it isn't necessary.

[00:26:04] But I think there's too much talk around sex.

[00:26:07] I think it's the one area where we really aren't well served by talking a lot about it.

[00:26:12] Right.

[00:26:12] Oh, interesting.

[00:26:13] That's way different than an answer I thought I would hear.

[00:26:17] Yeah, I know.

[00:26:18] There's a lot of stuff that I found everybody thinks that we all have been trained to believe it's just poppycock.

[00:26:22] You know why?

[00:26:22] It's because it's promulgated by women who don't really understand this.

[00:26:26] Like they think they is what they want, but they really don't.

[00:26:29] And us guys, we have to we have to set them straight.

[00:26:31] I think that men generally will lead in the bedroom naturally.

[00:26:35] We have the penis.

[00:26:36] We're putting it in her.

[00:26:38] It's a it's an equal partnership, but we tend to be the set the tone and be more dominant in the bedroom.

[00:26:44] Correct.

[00:26:44] And that's perfectly fine.

[00:26:46] And it doesn't require a lot of words.

[00:26:47] And I just think words really get in the way.

[00:26:49] Words are more feminine.

[00:26:51] Actions are more masculine.

[00:26:54] But you gotta have some words.

[00:26:55] Come on now.

[00:26:56] You have to have some words.

[00:26:57] Yeah, yeah.

[00:26:57] No, you do.

[00:26:58] You do.

[00:26:58] But preferably later the next day when your wife is not in the bedroom, not in the bedroom.

[00:27:03] And not when anyone is upset or fired up.

[00:27:05] I have to tell you this one story.

[00:27:07] My my wife and I, she's an HR specialist, so she's dominant personality.

[00:27:13] And I love her to death.

[00:27:15] But when we go to Ikea and we pick up a queen size bed frame and we're put it together, we know we cannot talk.

[00:27:26] You know the process.

[00:27:28] We can point.

[00:27:29] We can grow.

[00:27:31] We can wave.

[00:27:32] But we agree that we cannot talk until that thing is put together.

[00:27:36] Now, is this a formal agreement?

[00:27:37] Or is it just you've noticed and you both know?

[00:27:40] Yeah, we both know and formal too, because we.

[00:27:44] Oh, man, it is the funniest thing, but it works.

[00:27:49] It works.

[00:27:50] Yeah.

[00:27:50] I realized that I was getting annoyed.

[00:27:51] Maybe the Ikea queen size bed frame is sex for us.

[00:27:56] So, yeah, we can't talk.

[00:27:58] That's right.

[00:27:58] There you go.

[00:27:59] That must be it.

[00:28:00] That must be it.

[00:28:01] Yeah.

[00:28:03] Yeah.

[00:28:04] Yeah.

[00:28:04] Well, it's just about the one thing about bedroom stuff and talking.

[00:28:07] So men are bigger and scarier to women than women are to men, naturally.

[00:28:11] And I think one of the worst things is picking up on the dynamic where you think she's annoyed

[00:28:16] with something and then you get annoyed and then ping pongs.

[00:28:18] It can happen in sex.

[00:28:20] For example, if a guy's having trouble maintaining erection or getting he starts to get upset.

[00:28:25] Now she gets upset about his being upset.

[00:28:28] She's not upset about his penis.

[00:28:30] She's upset about him being upset because it's a little scary.

[00:28:33] Gotcha.

[00:28:34] So you're better off not showing that kind of being upset.

[00:28:39] And then it's fine.

[00:28:40] So much.

[00:28:41] Of course, if you had a bit of E.D. or you have a little trouble getting started, some

[00:28:45] women are going to be impatient and are going to be jerks about it.

[00:28:48] But most women aren't.

[00:28:48] They're going to be great about it.

[00:28:50] As long as you don't get upset.

[00:28:51] A lot of things are fine if you don't get all upset about it.

[00:28:54] That's really because then if you're not upset and you're cool, your frame controls

[00:28:59] her frame.

[00:29:00] You're both cool.

[00:29:01] Everything's fine.

[00:29:02] That's where you want to be.

[00:29:04] Okay.

[00:29:04] That's interesting.

[00:29:06] Going to close up here.

[00:29:07] So if you could give one piece of advice to men over 40 about embracing their sexuality

[00:29:12] and creating abundance, what would it be?

[00:29:16] Try to avoid ejaculating.

[00:29:19] So go on a schedule.

[00:29:21] You'll find it just changes everything.

[00:29:24] Okay.

[00:29:24] So don't dive into the subreddit.

[00:29:27] We don't want to go 120 days, three, four days, five days.

[00:29:31] It depends on your health.

[00:29:32] If you're on a lot of medications and you have issues, maybe a week or two might be a good

[00:29:38] schedule.

[00:29:38] If you have a high drive and you're in good shape, maybe three days might be a good schedule.

[00:29:42] But you'll find that you're barely sexual energy and a lot of very positive, assertive

[00:29:49] feelings that will result in you're taking action in your life that you wouldn't take

[00:29:53] otherwise if you weren't, if you were just spilling your seed as it were, like most people

[00:29:57] do every day.

[00:29:59] Wow.

[00:30:00] All right, Matt.

[00:30:01] That was interesting, man.

[00:30:02] We definitely got to do a part two because I'm not even close.

[00:30:04] I have a whole ton.

[00:30:05] And I think you can see my approach is quite different, but it produces amazing results.

[00:30:09] And next time I can go into exactly how to introduce this to your partner and how to

[00:30:14] have the most amazing sex for an hour or an hour and a half each time and how we have

[00:30:19] sex twice a day and how anybody can't.

[00:30:21] So tell the people out there where to find you, how to find you, but I'll have that in

[00:30:25] the show notes too, but go ahead and let them know.

[00:30:27] Yeah. If you want, you could join my men's health and sex list.

[00:30:30] It's daily medical discoveries.com.

[00:30:32] And you can join the list.

[00:30:33] And every day we have a newsletter around some kind of health sex topic.

[00:30:36] And we have a physician that works for me, Dr.

[00:30:39] Miguel, and you'll receive his newsletters.

[00:30:41] That's daily medical discoveries.com.

[00:30:43] And if you're interested in those attraction products, shop.idealmail.com, shop.idealmail.com.

[00:30:49] We have a factory in the Midwest.

[00:30:51] We make everything in a very wonderful facility.

[00:30:54] And they're for things like stuff you can put on your face for anti-aging and attraction,

[00:31:00] pheromone colognes.

[00:31:01] And they're all like super good dermatologist tested, wonderful products, inexpensive.

[00:31:05] So I recommend them and use those and try them out.

[00:31:09] Wow.

[00:31:10] Matt, we want to thank you for being out of the box, man.

[00:31:12] I like out of the box.

[00:31:13] It's normal stuff.

[00:31:14] We don't want the box.

[00:31:15] I like out of the box.

[00:31:17] I like out of the box.

[00:31:18] I like out of the box.

[00:31:20] I like out of the box.

[00:31:21] Thank you so much.

[00:31:22] And I'll sign off here, but don't go anywhere.

[00:31:24] I want to thank everybody for listening.

[00:31:26] And we'll get Matt back and go from there.

[00:31:28] Everybody have a good night.

[00:31:29] Good night.

[00:31:29] Thank you.

[00:31:30] Bye.