Finding the right one - it’s you / Eli Schostak || Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast 016 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40

[00:00:14] with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during

[00:00:20] or after a divorce.

[00:00:23] Welcome brother out there to divorce recovery men over 40.

[00:00:25] We have Eli Shostak on this podcast with you, David, because it's my mission to really help people see how incredible their love lives can be even after having gone through something as,

[00:02:43] listen to this podcast, just imagine a little short bald dude. But at 19, started going bald and I was with my then girlfriend and I got made fun of by

[00:02:51] somebody else for being bald.

[00:02:54] And I was like devastated.

[00:02:56] I wanted to crawl under a rock.

[00:02:58] I thought I was going to like die.

[00:03:00] It was that like embarrassing.

[00:03:02] So I did everything I could to fix the lot of my mind frame and in my marriage to Brookie, as I like to call her, we first year marriage was a freaking hell. Hell, because I mainly lived in my mind of all the things that she should be doing this and that. And I made a lot of changes and we're still together 21 years and I've devoted my life to

[00:04:24] helping people get into and maintain healthy relationships with my coaching programs. Or if you've just gone through an emotional upheaval such as a divorce, you need to really vomit your crap that you have internally out to somebody so you could just release that. That's therapy, dealing right, how does that make you feel wise? You can explore and if you want, you can sit with a therapist until you die.

[00:05:43] With me, it's more of like, all right, know when you're ready? It really depends on the individual. But what it has to do with completely is the mind frame that you're in. So I actually don't have a problem with you going afterwards in terms of being ready. Because if your vision is, listen, I've been in something for 20 years and I now am sort

[00:07:05] of free. to say like, I'm not ready for that, but I'm ready for this. But what happens if you don't communicate and things get construed and gray and you have to break up after two and a half years because you think she's going to marry her? Okay, on to another question. I can answer it.

[00:08:21] Go ahead, go ahead.

[00:08:23] All right.

[00:08:24] Give it to me.

[00:08:25] Give it to me.

[00:08:26] Give it to me. what it all boils down to is yeah. So what, and we've probably talked about this already, what is healthy dating? Ah, great, awesome question. Healthy dating is where what we just dated comes into place. I know what it is that I want out of a relationship

[00:09:42] and I'm able to communicate that with the person

[00:09:45] who I'm dating with. and physical connection as well as emotional connection, right? So there are three parts to the human being, okay? You got the mind, you got the body, and then you got what I call as the essence of the person. And it doesn't matter what background you come from, religious, non-religious, whatever religion you do believe in, don't believe it, it doesn't really matter.

[00:11:03] But we all know that there's something inside, and I like to give things numbers just because it's easier for a person's mind. It depends on what aspect of the relationship you're in. So I like to say that I feel a one to five with? Physically. A one to five is, oh my God, there is nothing here. Nothing is, is I see the person and it's not doing.

[00:13:41] Now again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[00:13:43] What doesn't work for me, a? Remember, it's a great story. You'll love this. Okay. So I went on my sister sets me up with somebody and those years ago. Okay. And I'm talking Dave an eight to 10. Like like hubba hubba like you get your like, you're like,

[00:15:01] are you serious?

[00:15:02] This is my, are you sitting?

[00:15:03] This is for me?

[00:15:05] Oh, oh my God.

[00:16:08] the physical. Well, again, if that's what you are, what really depends when it comes to the chemistry, as opposed to the attraction, as opposed to the physical, as opposed to the mind connection,

[00:16:14] is that it really just all boils down to what it is that you're you want in a relationship. So if

[00:16:23] you're going in that, I don't really care to ten on that level, but it's not a Connection that I really see going long-term but when you're in the five to seven mark and on both on the mind and the body

[00:17:41] Like it can grow to an eight to ten on both of your parts has one job, David, and that's protect you from pain. So it looks for every which way to avoid pain and seek pleasure. So the mind makes a conclusion in that situation.

[00:19:04] Me at this point, having been in'll sit on the chair. I'll, you know, I'll have the sex and I'll, I'll watch the movie or I'll, I'll have the good food. And you know, even though I know that there's so many things that I just don't want with this person, it actually takes away from your true self of loving your true self. Because interesting love from somebody else. I need to find that other person. That's what all the dating sites are built on. I need to find this other person in order for me to be happy. So love of self is not a bumper sticker that you put on the love of love of self love. Everyone says it, but no one you need to speak to your doctor about medicine because sometimes the mind is so constricted that they can't, they can't like think straight. So especially someone who's just come out of a long, long term relationship, right? So you and I have talked about this that if you've come out of a long term relationship

[00:23:00] and you identify is I'm a divorce person.

[00:23:04] I'm, I'm in nothing.

[00:23:06] I used to be something.

[00:23:07] But now I'm ready. Basically. Yeah, you have to be ready. So that's on one end of the of the spectrum in terms of the fear was so overwhelming. But I think I mentioned this to you. You love the story. So I had this one divorce, dude. Um, very wealthy guy, uh, entrepreneur who, um, uh, retired early.

[00:24:20] I think he was on his yacht when he called me.

[00:24:23] All right.

[00:24:25] So I say to him, what do you feel is preventing you from getting a

[00:24:28] healthy relationship on your own? I can't get what I want because you make the fear go away. I can't get what I want because I'm too short because I've heard everything David. I've heard every freaking thing in the planet. I'm too tall. I'm too short. I have varicose veins. I have too fat. I'm too skinny. I have a small teeth. I have big teeth. I have don't have teeth.

[00:25:40] I mean, you name it.

[00:25:41] I've heard it and I totally get it.

[00:25:44] I freaking wore to spend time with you. Well, I think we're going to be friends for a long time. You're not going to be able to get rid of me. But I'm with you. Let's talk about your contact stuff. What do you have out there for my listeners? Yeah. So if you want, you can go to find the right one with the number one.com.

[00:27:00] As we all know, saying my full name is a mouthful, lyshostak.com.

[00:27:05] You're like, what the hell?

[00:27:06] What the scostak?

[00:27:07] Is it with a C?

[00:27:08] Is it with a jelly?