Embracing masculine traits in your divorce recovery - Kevin Anthony || DPTSP #057 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome, everybody out there to Don't Pick The SCAB PODCAST, episode 57, the podcast that through special guests finds different superpowers in order for men over 40 to recover from divorce.

[00:00:12] Welcome, Kevin Anthony, to the show. Kevin is a certified sexologist, tantra counselor, NLP practitioner, which I want to find out what that is, and a sex, love, and relationship coach.

[00:00:23] He has been concentrating on helping men and women and couples attain better relationships and the best sex of their lives.

[00:00:30] Now, I know most of you out there are probably not even thinking about sex right now, but I would like to explore the relationship piece with Kevin and see how men over 40 can get their relationships back on track, starting with just friendships or maybe down the road in opposite sex relationships.

[00:01:01] Welcome to the Don't Pick The SCAB PODCAST, with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during, or after a divorce. Check it out.

[00:01:15] Kevin, tell a little bit about yourself, and I've got a couple of questions for you.

[00:01:19] All right. First of all, thanks for having me on the show.

[00:01:22] And I think that the topics we're going to cover today are super important for people who are getting back out there in the dating world.

[00:01:30] And so I've spent a lot of my career here basically teaching men, women, and couples how to have great relationships and how to have a great sex life.

[00:01:41] And part of that is working with people who have been married for 10 years, 20 years, whenever they've been divorced, and now they're starting over again.

[00:01:50] So that's a huge part of the work that I do, and it's very important.

[00:01:55] Yeah. What unique challenges do you see in men over 40 facing after an aftermath of divorce, particularly regarding their identity and relationships?

[00:02:04] Identity, that masculinity piece is so big in men, and I think sometimes we can't get out of our own way.

[00:02:12] Oh, for sure. There's numerous challenges.

[00:02:15] Everything from the first, most basic one is they just haven't dated in a long time.

[00:02:20] They're coming out of a long-term relationship, and it's been potentially decades since they've been out in the dating scene.

[00:02:28] Now, if you think about it, where we're at in technology in the world today, that how you date today is radically different than how you dated 20 years ago.

[00:02:37] And so a lot of men just don't even know where to start with that.

[00:02:41] So that's a hurdle that they have to overcome.

[00:02:43] Oh, okay. Now there's this whole new dating scene out there that I need to figure out.

[00:02:48] I got to learn these new apps. I got to learn this new technology.

[00:02:51] What are the protocols?

[00:02:53] How do I interact with people there in a way that isn't creepy or whatever?

[00:02:57] So there's that aspect that men have to deal with.

[00:03:01] There's also the fact that a lot of men, when you get into a relationship, especially a long-term one, I've just seen way too many men let themselves go, so to speak.

[00:03:14] And so maybe they don't dress super nice, they got out of shape, because they got into this sort of rut in their relationship.

[00:03:21] And now they're not in that relationship anymore, and they're stepping out of that, and they're going, oh, what do I do now?

[00:03:27] How do I do this?

[00:03:28] So there's this whole piece about getting back out there about, like, how do I recreate myself, right?

[00:03:36] How do I, should I dress nicer?

[00:03:38] Will women like the way I dress, or basically anything about who they are as a man and how they show up to the world?

[00:03:48] Because I think a lot of times in relationships, people, especially if it's a long-term relationship, they just get complacent.

[00:03:54] They're not thinking about those things anymore.

[00:03:56] And so now they're out there in the dating world, and you got to think about those things.

[00:04:01] So that's another issue.

[00:04:02] Then, of course, there is, especially people who, if you got to the point of divorce, things probably weren't going well for a while.

[00:04:11] That's typically, it's not like everything's going great, you have a rich, fulfilling sex life, and then one day, all of a sudden, somebody wants a divorce.

[00:04:18] That's not usually the way it works.

[00:04:20] Correct.

[00:04:20] Usually, things have been going downhill for a while, which means a lot of men who get back out there in the dating scene

[00:04:27] haven't had sex, or much sex, or very good sex, or fulfilling sex in a long time.

[00:04:34] So that's another piece.

[00:04:36] It's, oh, now I got to go out there, and I've got to perform, so to speak, right?

[00:04:41] What does that even look like?

[00:04:43] What do women even like?

[00:04:44] And will I be able to last long enough?

[00:04:47] And in the over 40 group, it's, will I even be able to rise to the occasion, right?

[00:04:51] These are all challenges that men have to deal with when they've been divorced, and they're trying to get back out into the dating world.

[00:04:59] With me, I went through a pretty hard divorce, and then my first step back into the dating world is, I'm not pretty enough.

[00:05:09] You lack that self-confidence, so that's something I'm going to talk about, too.

[00:05:12] And then I went through that whole phase, man, when I was just bagging and tagging.

[00:05:17] And I don't really think that was a good phase to go through, but, man, I had a blast.

[00:05:23] So much fun.

[00:05:24] I have heard a lot of men tell me they've gone through that phase.

[00:05:27] It wasn't a good thing to do, I think, and I don't recommend it as for healing.

[00:05:33] But what do you think about that?

[00:05:34] Going through the whole phase or getting that self-confidence.

[00:05:37] Self-confidence is huge because you lack that self-confidence because your masculinity takes a hit that someone doesn't want you.

[00:05:45] Yeah, self-confidence is a huge piece, absolutely for sure.

[00:05:49] So there's the hit that somebody doesn't want you.

[00:05:51] That's obviously one.

[00:05:52] But also when at some point she decides she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, that's like another big hit to your sort of ego and your masculinity.

[00:06:00] Oh, I must not be good enough or whatever.

[00:06:02] So those are definitely pieces that need to be dealt with.

[00:06:07] I don't necessarily think that tagging and bagging is the best way to deal with them, but it is one way.

[00:06:13] It actually is one way.

[00:06:14] And I will say this.

[00:06:15] I have heard a lot of men post-divorce tell me that they went through that.

[00:06:21] I mentioned a little bit earlier about how dating is different now and how we've got all this technology that's out there.

[00:06:27] This is absolutely enabling that.

[00:06:29] And I've seen, it also depends exactly how long the person was married, but I've seen a lot of these men, they got married very young.

[00:06:38] So they never really had that opportunity to go out tagging and bagging, as you said.

[00:06:42] They just didn't have a lot of partners and they didn't get to experience a lot of different things that they may fantasize about when they were younger.

[00:06:50] So now here they are 20 years later, they're divorced and it's the chains are off and I want to go wild, right?

[00:07:00] Oh, yeah.

[00:07:00] That's totally normal and it's totally natural.

[00:07:05] One of the things that I think that is good, if we could talk about a benefit to doing that, I would say that one of the things that I think is good about that is that you get all that stuff out of your system.

[00:07:15] So that can potentially be good.

[00:07:17] And this is advice I give to people before they get married when they're young too.

[00:07:21] I'm like, when you're young, that's the time to go do all the crazy stuff and to try out all the things you think you want to try.

[00:07:28] Because if you don't, the number one fantasy for men is a threesome.

[00:07:32] It's like every man has a fantasy about having a threesome.

[00:07:36] What happens when they've been married for 20 years and they're not having all that much sex anymore and they're fantasizing a lot about threesomes and they end up too much porn use or cheating or whatever it is.

[00:07:48] And if you had done that earlier when you were younger, when the consequences were a whole lot less, then just, oh, yeah, I've been there, done that, whatever.

[00:07:55] So I'll often tell people like, go be wild when you're young, when you can do that stuff.

[00:08:00] Obviously do it safely.

[00:08:02] Try not to hurt people and leave carnage in the past.

[00:08:06] But now here we are talking about people post-divorce.

[00:08:09] And it's okay.

[00:08:10] If you need to get those things out of your system, fine, go ahead and do it.

[00:08:15] But just try to do it consciously.

[00:08:17] Try to do it in a way that doesn't hurt people, that doesn't leave a bunch of carnage in the wake.

[00:08:22] Right?

[00:08:22] So what does that mean?

[00:08:23] That means being really upfront with what you're looking for in the relationship.

[00:08:28] There are sites out there with people who are literally just looking for that.

[00:08:31] Right?

[00:08:32] If that's what you need to do that, but don't go do that on the sites and with the people who are honestly looking for their next husband.

[00:08:39] Right?

[00:08:39] Because it's not going to end well if that's your approach in that situation.

[00:08:45] Now, back to the confidence piece, which is if you have been on a number of dates and you have had sexual relations with a number of women and they've gone relatively well, then that will start to build your confidence up.

[00:08:59] And the more that happens, obviously, the more confident you'll be.

[00:09:03] I don't think necessarily, though, that you need volume of women to do that.

[00:09:10] Volume or quantity.

[00:09:40] Yeah.

[00:09:41] And what's amazing is that scares the hell out of most men, like being that vulnerable and admitting that.

[00:09:49] But every woman that I've ever mentioned this idea to has said, yeah, I would totally be okay with that.

[00:09:55] In fact, I would prefer that if he were just upfront with me about it rather than trying to pretend he's something that he's not.

[00:10:01] Right?

[00:10:01] And so you'd be absolutely amazed at how forgiving women are in that department.

[00:10:08] As long as you're honest and you're sincere and just say, hey, look, it's been a while.

[00:10:12] I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm going to do my best.

[00:10:15] Tell me what you need.

[00:10:16] Let's work on this together.

[00:10:18] I want to side note this.

[00:10:20] I don't recommend the bagging and tagging.

[00:10:23] This is something I want to do.

[00:10:24] I don't want this to be the bagging and tagging podcast.

[00:10:30] But what are some of the problems?

[00:10:33] Let's get down to brass tacks.

[00:10:34] What are some of the problems that men face over 40?

[00:10:38] Maybe a shorer, not a grower, things like that.

[00:10:41] And a lot of those problems are psychological because they haven't had sex or something like that.

[00:10:46] But there's things that happen.

[00:10:48] And just give men some pointers or maybe what to expect and don't be down yourself.

[00:10:54] Give me some help there.

[00:10:57] Sure.

[00:10:57] Number one problem with men over 40 who haven't had sex in a long time is will I be able to get an erection?

[00:11:04] That's the biggest fear of every man is that I'm going to end up in a situation where she's ready to go and I'm not.

[00:11:13] So there can be, of course, a lot of reasons for that.

[00:11:16] As we get older, there are potentially physiological reasons that can be an issue there.

[00:11:22] There can be certain medications that can cause that problem.

[00:11:26] There could be health conditions that could cause that problem.

[00:11:30] Obviously, my recommendation, I work with a lot of men who have erectile dysfunction.

[00:11:34] So my first recommendation always is go see your doctor, get all that stuff checked out.

[00:11:43] Honestly, with the men that I work with, nine times out of 10, maybe nine and a half times out of 10, there's nothing physically wrong with them.

[00:11:51] It's usually more on the mental emotional side.

[00:11:55] But we also know that one of the main indicators of heart disease is erectile dysfunction.

[00:12:01] I always tell every man, just go get checked out, rule that out.

[00:12:04] That way you can say, okay, there's nothing physically wrong with me.

[00:12:07] Once you've done that, okay, now let's explore the mental emotional side.

[00:12:10] What's going on?

[00:12:11] What kind of stress is in your life?

[00:12:13] What kind of fears do you have about this situation?

[00:12:17] There's this idea that men show up to all these sexual situations like, yeah, I'm the man.

[00:12:24] I'm going to rock her.

[00:12:27] It's just not true for most men.

[00:12:29] A lot of men go into those situations, especially after being in a long-term sexless relationship, really nervous.

[00:12:37] And that nervousness actually can contribute to the erectile dysfunction.

[00:12:41] The good news is that there are ways to solve that.

[00:12:44] And it's not actually that difficult.

[00:12:47] If that's a situation that you're in, if anybody's listening to this, don't sit there and suffer with it.

[00:12:52] Don't rely.

[00:12:53] You can if you have to in certain situations, but you don't have to rely on taking the little blue pill.

[00:12:58] That's a solution, but it's more of a band-aid than a permanent fix, right?

[00:13:03] There are ways to fix that.

[00:13:05] Just work with an expert like myself or many others that are out there and work through the stuff that you have to work through.

[00:13:11] So you can solve that problem once and for all.

[00:13:13] Okay.

[00:13:14] So that's one of the biggest problems I see.

[00:13:16] Another one, of course, is being able to last long enough.

[00:13:20] So unfortunately, what happens when a lot of men end up in these marriages where there is no sex happening or very little sex happening is you're a man.

[00:13:29] You've got a libido, right?

[00:13:31] You've got sexual energy.

[00:13:34] You need an outlet for it.

[00:13:35] So what happens?

[00:13:36] You usually end up in the realm of porn.

[00:13:39] So porn, I'm not 100% against it.

[00:13:43] However, if not used appropriately, it can cause problems.

[00:13:46] One of the problems it can cause is premature ejaculation because the use of porn.

[00:13:52] Here's how most men use porn.

[00:13:54] Okay.

[00:13:54] Okay.

[00:13:54] I pull up my porn app and I spend 10 or 15 minutes browsing through looking for the clip I want to watch.

[00:14:00] Oh, yeah.

[00:14:01] This one.

[00:14:01] This one looks good.

[00:14:02] Put it on.

[00:14:03] Within 10 minutes, you're done.

[00:14:05] You found what you wanted.

[00:14:06] It was highly overstimulating.

[00:14:08] You did your business.

[00:14:09] You ejaculated.

[00:14:10] Boom.

[00:14:11] You're out.

[00:14:11] You're on to the next thing.

[00:14:13] And sometimes multiple times a day, that same scenario.

[00:14:16] Isn't 10 minutes a long time though?

[00:14:18] Come on.

[00:14:21] Actually, I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt because you're right.

[00:14:27] They're generally out in about three to five minutes.

[00:14:32] The problem, however, is that the average woman takes 20 to 30 minutes to reach orgasm.

[00:14:37] Right?

[00:14:38] So what's happening is you're training yourself to ejaculate early.

[00:14:41] And my definition of ejaculation is ejaculating before you want to.

[00:14:46] Right?

[00:14:47] So my definition of premature ejaculation is ejaculating anytime before you want to.

[00:14:52] Because the technical definition of premature ejaculation, I think, is like in under a minute

[00:14:57] or something like that.

[00:14:59] But again, there were two major studies done on sexuality about how long men last and how

[00:15:03] long it takes women to achieve orgasm.

[00:15:06] And in one study, the average man lasted three to five minutes.

[00:15:09] In the other study, it was five to seven minutes.

[00:15:11] Let's just say it's somewhere between three and seven minutes the average man takes with

[00:15:16] penetration before he has an orgasm slash ejaculation.

[00:15:20] Those same studies show that the average woman took 20 to 30 minutes to achieve an orgasm.

[00:15:27] So there's a huge disparity there.

[00:15:29] And you wonder why all these women are not that interested in sex.

[00:15:32] Because they're never even getting close to an orgasm.

[00:15:34] At five to seven minutes, they haven't even shut their brain off yet and even gotten remotely in the mood.

[00:15:43] And you're done.

[00:15:45] You're out.

[00:15:46] And you're like, no wonder she's not interested anymore.

[00:15:48] So it's really important that men learn how to control their ejaculation.

[00:15:52] Because that is, one, going to make sex way more enjoyable for her.

[00:15:56] But it's also going to make it more enjoyable for you.

[00:15:59] That's a whole other topic as well.

[00:16:03] Or even if you go that route and you're the 10-minute guy, you can still spend time stoking the fire.

[00:16:11] You don't have to just go for the penetration.

[00:16:14] You go for the fire, stoke the fire.

[00:16:16] So then you gain 20 minutes.

[00:16:19] Yes.

[00:16:20] Yes, you absolutely could do that.

[00:16:22] And there's nothing wrong with that.

[00:16:23] In fact, even if you can go as long as you want, you should spend a lot of time stoking the fire.

[00:16:28] Because that's a very important part.

[00:16:31] Foreplay is really important.

[00:16:32] Most women, it's a requirement for them.

[00:16:36] And they get rather annoyed when there isn't enough of it.

[00:16:38] Because the reality is, for men, all she has to do is bend over a certain way.

[00:16:43] Or put on a sexy dress or a tight pair of jeans.

[00:16:47] And we're like, okay, we're ready to go.

[00:16:48] But for women, that's not the case at all.

[00:16:51] Their fire starts very slowly.

[00:16:54] It starts with a little spark.

[00:16:57] Then it gets a little more.

[00:16:58] Then it gets a little more.

[00:16:59] And then it takes a while before it's actually a raging fire.

[00:17:03] And so the foreplay is an important part of doing that.

[00:17:05] And yes, foreplay includes the mind because the biggest sex organ is actually our mind.

[00:17:11] I'll tell you a funny story.

[00:17:12] So after our divorce, we have three kids.

[00:17:16] And so two of my kids were in college.

[00:17:18] And my third kid was in high school.

[00:17:20] And he was having a hard time with the divorce.

[00:17:23] But he was very smart and he played this.

[00:17:26] So I convinced.

[00:17:27] We did 50-50 week on, week off.

[00:17:29] So I convinced my ex-wife.

[00:17:30] I said, hey, I need this guy.

[00:17:32] Every day, it was the last semester senior year.

[00:17:35] And he was failing.

[00:17:37] I said, I need this guy every weekday for the rest of the semester.

[00:17:41] Because we're going to the library.

[00:17:42] We're going to study.

[00:17:43] I was on him.

[00:17:45] And so we went to the public library.

[00:17:46] And he was down there with the potheads and the homeless.

[00:17:50] But he studied.

[00:17:51] I made sure he studied.

[00:17:52] So in the meantime, I said, man, I got to do something.

[00:17:55] So I went through, I think I read every sex book in the public library.

[00:18:02] Good for you.

[00:18:03] Every tantra book, every book.

[00:18:06] And this was over probably about seven weeks.

[00:18:11] Hey, Dad, what are you reading?

[00:18:12] Oh, nothing, nothing.

[00:18:13] Keep studying, keep studying.

[00:18:14] So I went through every book.

[00:18:17] And I am a believer in that men need to be informed, even with a little bit of reading.

[00:18:23] Just go to the library, go online, but read something on women's expectations or what they feel or what they expect.

[00:18:32] And just think out of the box.

[00:18:34] I'm an out-of-the-box guy right now.

[00:18:36] And I got remarried a year ago.

[00:18:40] And part of our fun is I go back to my days of the public library and pull stuff out.

[00:18:47] So it's interesting.

[00:18:49] So we're going to talk about managing expectations.

[00:18:51] What should men, and we talked about that, but what should men expect?

[00:18:56] And they, I went through this, is, was, I expected my first date out of the gate to be my next wife.

[00:19:04] And that is so wrong.

[00:19:07] But you almost can't help yourself because every date is like the next wife.

[00:19:11] How can you speak to that and make men chill a little bit?

[00:19:14] Every date is an experience.

[00:19:16] So if you ended up in divorce and you weren't the one that wanted a divorce, right?

[00:19:21] Like you were happy and content in your relationship.

[00:19:23] And for whatever reason, your wife was the one that wanted a divorce.

[00:19:27] Now you're on the other side of that, right?

[00:19:29] And you're single, but you don't actually want to be single.

[00:19:33] Right.

[00:19:34] And so what happens is you have this desire to want to be in partnership again.

[00:19:40] And that desire sometimes is a little bit unreasonable, right?

[00:19:48] I remember this after my wife passed.

[00:19:50] It was like after getting over the grieving part, it was like, wow, I really miss being in partnership.

[00:19:54] And I really want to find that new person that's going to be with me for the rest of my life.

[00:20:03] But the piece of advice I have there is get really comfortable with yourself and being single, right?

[00:20:12] So in other words, don't have there be like, it shouldn't be this need.

[00:20:17] Like I have this needy need to be in relationship or partnership.

[00:20:21] Because that's going to lead you to making decisions that maybe aren't the best decisions for you, right?

[00:20:26] In other words, you might pick partners just because they meet maybe most of your requirements.

[00:20:32] But there's a couple of things that are really not in alignment, right?

[00:20:35] But you so badly want to be in partnership and in relationship again that you're willing to look past some of those things.

[00:20:42] The problem with that is inevitably that relationship ends up not working out,

[00:20:47] probably for those exact reasons that you knew about in the beginning.

[00:20:50] But you overlooked.

[00:20:51] So the first piece of advice is you got to get really comfortable with just being you, with being single.

[00:20:59] That way you're not going into searching for that person from a place of need.

[00:21:04] I need this, right?

[00:21:06] You're going into it in a place of I'm whole how I am.

[00:21:11] And I would still like to find that person.

[00:21:14] So it's just a much healthier place to enter into the dating world from.

[00:21:19] So that's the first piece.

[00:21:21] And then the second piece is to really, you got to think about dating as almost like an interviewing process, right?

[00:21:29] You're looking for, you wouldn't just walk into a job interview and just say,

[00:21:34] I'll take it immediately, not knowing anything about it, really.

[00:21:37] So why would you necessarily do that when you're dating?

[00:21:41] You want to take the time to get to know this person and find out whether or not there really truly is alignment.

[00:21:48] And that sometimes takes some time.

[00:21:50] So if you're doing the, I know we don't want to make this the tagging of that guy.

[00:21:55] I apologize.

[00:21:56] I love the way you said it though.

[00:21:57] It really entertains me.

[00:21:58] But if you're doing that where you're just dating, you never really get to know who these people are.

[00:22:02] You never get below that surface level, right?

[00:22:06] And so that's another big part of it is to find the one.

[00:22:10] If there is such a thing, it takes time to get to know them.

[00:22:14] So don't think that you're the first person you date is going to be that one.

[00:22:19] And you're going to know instantly because that's probably not the case.

[00:22:22] That first person that you date, you're going to take some time.

[00:22:25] You're going to get to know them.

[00:22:26] You might realize, oh, this isn't the one, right?

[00:22:28] And then you'll be back out dating again.

[00:22:30] But treat that as a process and just know that even if it's taking longer than you like,

[00:22:37] because that's usually how most people feel about it.

[00:22:39] Oh, there's just can't find anybody good out there.

[00:22:42] And I'm swiping and it's always the same old bit.

[00:22:45] It's okay.

[00:22:46] Relax.

[00:22:47] It's all about quality over quantity.

[00:22:50] As we were saying before, it's worth it to slow down, take the time to get to know this person,

[00:22:57] assure that there's alignment in your core values before you really get serious in a relationship.

[00:23:03] And that's just going to take time.

[00:23:06] So a little bit of Mars and Venus here, and you just hit me with it.

[00:23:11] Maybe explain to me or give me the construct when let's say a couple,

[00:23:16] and I'm asking for a friend, of course.

[00:23:18] This couple's been dating and they've been dating for a month or two.

[00:23:24] The relationships turn sexual.

[00:23:26] They agree to be friends with benefits and it never works.

[00:23:31] You're right.

[00:23:32] That never works.

[00:23:33] Never works.

[00:23:34] And it's 95.5 women, men.

[00:23:37] It never works.

[00:23:39] Why is that?

[00:23:40] Because women, what language can I use here on this show?

[00:23:50] All right.

[00:23:51] I don't know what is appropriate language here.

[00:23:54] I don't want to do something that gets you in trouble.

[00:23:57] What I want to say is women fuck with their heart, right?

[00:24:01] That's the reality of it.

[00:24:02] And so it doesn't matter if a woman tells you it's okay to just be friends with benefits.

[00:24:08] Don't worry about it.

[00:24:09] It's fine.

[00:24:11] Because eventually, and usually sooner rather than later, she's going to get attached to you.

[00:24:17] In other words, for her, in order to have sex with you, she's got to open her heart, not just her legs.

[00:24:22] And when she does that, she's going to form a bond and an attachment to you.

[00:24:27] Right?

[00:24:28] And eventually she's going to want more than just friends with benefits.

[00:24:31] And that's where the whole thing starts to implode.

[00:24:34] Every time.

[00:24:36] Every single time.

[00:24:39] Yes.

[00:24:40] But the thing is, you just have to understand who women are, what they need, what they're looking for, how they operate.

[00:24:47] Because that's just, I can't tell you how many men go, but she said, I don't care what she said.

[00:24:52] You have to understand women.

[00:24:54] If you understand women, you know that she said that and she said it earnestly and she meant it when she said it.

[00:25:01] But there's no way she could have ever kept up with that.

[00:25:03] She couldn't have lived up to that.

[00:25:05] Go to the library, guys.

[00:25:07] How do you see the landscape of relationships and sexuality evolving for men over 40 in the coming years?

[00:25:15] Anything new on the pipe?

[00:25:17] Anything going on?

[00:25:18] Is there something men to look for or maybe watch out for?

[00:25:22] The biggest change, okay, there's two sort of big changes I see that are happening.

[00:25:27] Number one, I'm seeing a lot more technology come into the space to help with some of these problems we've been talking about.

[00:25:33] I've been seeing some really interesting technology to help men with erection challenges or erectile dysfunction.

[00:25:39] I actually had a guy on my show who's pioneering this new device that it's basically like a cock ring, but you wear it at night and it connects to your phone and it tracks blood flow and it helps you die of those problems.

[00:25:49] And it's just, yeah, there's some really cool tech coming out in the space to help with that.

[00:25:55] So that's one way that I see things evolving.

[00:25:57] But the other way that I see things evolving in the space that I find really interesting and actually I'm really excited about is you talked, you mentioned better from Mars, women are from Venus.

[00:26:07] We talked a little bit about, we didn't really say the words, but polarity in relationships.

[00:26:13] One of the things that I'm seeing is finally a shift back towards some of the older values when it comes to relationships and how men show up in relationships.

[00:26:24] So in other words, and the way I teach this is I teach it in, there's basically like three levels of men, right?

[00:26:30] We have what I call the old school macho asshole guy.

[00:26:34] So he's super masculine, but he's controlling, he's dominating, he's not nice, right?

[00:26:39] But he's masculine, like really hyper masculine, which is often very attractive to women, right?

[00:26:44] This is why, why does the women always go for the bad boys, right?

[00:26:48] Why do they always go for the men that treat them like shit?

[00:26:50] Because they're masculine.

[00:26:52] That's the answer to that because they're masculine.

[00:26:54] But that's what I call stage one macho asshole.

[00:26:57] Stage two is what I call the sort of spiritual softy guy.

[00:27:02] So, you know, what we've been in for a while now is especially post me too is men.

[00:27:09] Basically, I've been afraid to step up.

[00:27:11] They've been afraid to take charge, take the lead.

[00:27:13] They've been afraid to embody some of those classical masculine characteristics because they don't want to be called that other guy that we just talked about.

[00:27:21] It's almost like they overcorrect.

[00:27:22] They overcorrect.

[00:27:24] Exactly.

[00:27:24] Exactly.

[00:27:25] What I'm starting to see is a lot more men moving into what I call the third stage, which I call the integrated masculine.

[00:27:31] Other people use other terms for it.

[00:27:33] But basically, all it really means is the combination of the previous two.

[00:27:38] So you can keep the healthy masculine traits being a leader, right?

[00:27:44] Stepping up and leading, being the defender, the provider, things like that.

[00:27:48] Things that women are looking for that they value in a man, that are attractive to them, even the ones that say they don't.

[00:27:55] Right?

[00:27:55] There's a lot of women say, I don't need a man to provide for me.

[00:27:58] And it's like a man steps up and provides for her.

[00:28:00] And all of a sudden, she's just the greatest thing ever.

[00:28:04] Exactly.

[00:28:05] Exactly.

[00:28:06] So you can keep all those things, but you can get rid of the traits that aren't healthy.

[00:28:11] And you can also incorporate then the healthy traits from the softy guy.

[00:28:15] Because the softy guy has some healthy traits too, right?

[00:28:17] He listens to his woman.

[00:28:19] He seeks to understand.

[00:28:20] He's caring.

[00:28:21] Right?

[00:28:22] He has compassion.

[00:28:25] He's a good communicator.

[00:28:28] He can express his feelings and emotions.

[00:28:31] Right?

[00:28:31] So if you take those things along with these other things and you put them together, right, now you have what we call a more integrated masculine.

[00:28:38] A guy who can really show up in all the ways that she's looking for.

[00:28:41] And what I'm seeing as we go off into the future, because that was the original question, is more and more men coming around and coming back to this and getting it.

[00:28:51] And starting to like the light bulb starting to go on.

[00:28:54] And so for those of you, if you've never heard this before, if you're like, okay, what am I supposed to do?

[00:28:59] It's okay.

[00:29:00] Don't worry about it.

[00:29:02] It's never too late to learn.

[00:29:04] Right?

[00:29:04] And start thinking about these things.

[00:29:06] Thinking about how you can really be a strong masculine, but also be a caring, loving, compassionate partner.

[00:29:13] So it's almost like a Stafford asshole.

[00:29:17] Exactly.

[00:29:18] And one of my last questions, because my guys have about a 30 minute attention span.

[00:29:23] How can men identify and avoid repeating the same patterns that are negative in relationships or that happened in their marriage?

[00:29:33] How can they avoid repeating the same mistakes?

[00:29:37] Boy, that's a great question.

[00:29:39] And how much time we got left?

[00:29:42] Okay.

[00:29:44] The very first thing is awareness.

[00:29:46] The reason why most people repeat patterns in their relationships is because they're not even aware that they're doing them.

[00:29:52] I was literally just having this conversation with another men's coach who's going to be coming on my show earlier today.

[00:29:58] We were talking about what we want to talk about on the show.

[00:30:01] And this subject came up.

[00:30:02] And it's this idea that men will often, they'll be in a relationship.

[00:30:06] It doesn't work out.

[00:30:07] They'll go to the next relationship.

[00:30:08] It won't work out for the same reason.

[00:30:10] They'll go to the next relationship.

[00:30:11] And every time they're like, man, why do I keep choosing these batshit crazy women?

[00:30:16] Right?

[00:30:16] And it's okay.

[00:30:18] You might have a problem with choosing women.

[00:30:20] But most likely the common denominator here is you because you're the thing that's the same in every one of these relationships.

[00:30:26] Right?

[00:30:27] Oh, definitely.

[00:30:27] Damn.

[00:30:28] So the idea is being able to have awareness around that.

[00:30:31] To be able to honestly look at yourself and see the patterns, right?

[00:30:35] And go, oh, yeah.

[00:30:36] I noticed that the last three partners I've had have all had the same complaint.

[00:30:42] They all told me I don't do this or I don't do that, right?

[00:30:45] Maybe I should look at that.

[00:30:46] I'm not saying that every time a partner complains to you, that is 100% valid because they've got their own issues as well.

[00:30:53] But it's worth looking at if you notice a pattern that all your past partners have said, you do this or you do that.

[00:30:59] Think about it.

[00:31:00] Do I do that?

[00:31:01] Let's be honest.

[00:31:01] Let's look in the mirror and go, is this a pattern?

[00:31:04] Could I be better?

[00:31:05] Is there some other way I could do this or show up?

[00:31:07] So that's the first thing is to recognize the pattern.

[00:31:10] The second thing is you have to take action because recognizing the pattern isn't really going to do a whole lot if you don't take action.

[00:31:19] So what does that mean?

[00:31:19] It might mean like you did, right?

[00:31:21] Going to the library and reading every book you can get your hands on.

[00:31:24] There are so many amazing books out there.

[00:31:27] In fact, I had all this stuff that I was going to write a book and I might still write a book, right?

[00:31:31] Because my voice is different.

[00:31:32] But one day I read another book by two other authors and I was like, this is literally everything I want to say right here.

[00:31:40] And they did it well.

[00:31:42] There's so many good resources out there.

[00:31:45] To think that, oh, there's just not that much out there or what's out there isn't that good.

[00:31:50] Sure, there's a bunch of crap out there.

[00:31:52] But there's a ton of great resources out there too.

[00:31:54] So read books.

[00:31:55] Hire a coach if you need to.

[00:31:57] This is what I spend the majority of my time doing is helping men.

[00:32:01] And I work with women and couples also.

[00:32:02] But helping them learn how to have amazing relationships.

[00:32:06] How to show up as a powerful masculine man.

[00:32:09] Just don't be afraid to get help, which is a big thing.

[00:32:12] Like men, it's confronting to our ego.

[00:32:14] Like I should be able to do this myself or I should be able to figure this out or I don't need any help.

[00:32:20] Somebody was telling me the other day about their husband.

[00:32:22] How he would just wait until he was practically on death's door before he would go to the doctor and figure out what's wrong.

[00:32:30] It's just you don't have to do that.

[00:32:32] If you recognize there's a problem and you're not sure where to start, just simply get the help that you need.

[00:32:38] And just be compassionate with yourself because old patterns and old habits are hard to break.

[00:32:44] So one of the things I tell men is if you're out there dating and you recognize that you're repeating a pattern, don't beat yourself up over it.

[00:32:53] Just go, oh, I recognize I'm doing that pattern.

[00:32:56] Let me do something to shift that pattern.

[00:32:58] Right. As I say, if you fall off the wagon, you just get back up on the wagon.

[00:33:02] Right. Because it's going to happen.

[00:33:03] It's going to take time to change those old patterns, those old default ways of being.

[00:33:09] And this is just time and practice on that one.

[00:33:15] Wow, Kevin, that was fun, man.

[00:33:19] I've got a couple of titles for this podcast and I'm going to see which one I'm going to use.

[00:33:25] Definitely. I think you know which one I'm using.

[00:33:27] But your time and your talents and tell the people out there where to find you on the Internet.

[00:33:33] Yeah. So the best way to find me is to go to my website, which is currently Kevin and Celine dot com.

[00:33:39] And so that is my hub where you can find all the things that I'm doing.

[00:33:42] You can find my podcast there, which is called the Love Lab podcast.

[00:33:45] You can find my online courses, which are called Powered Mastery dot com.

[00:33:49] And there I do have courses helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and sexual mastery skills.

[00:33:55] You can find all my coaching programs, my YouTube channel.

[00:33:59] It's all right there on that website.

[00:34:01] That's the best place to go.

[00:34:03] Man, we got to do this again.

[00:34:04] This was fun.

[00:34:06] I'm just getting warmed up.

[00:34:07] I'd love to come back again.

[00:34:09] Damn man in their half hour attention spans.

[00:34:13] Hold on the line and we'll finish this up.

[00:34:15] But let me go ahead and sign out.

[00:34:17] And everybody, thanks for listening and have a good night.

[00:34:19] All right.

[00:34:20] Bye bye.

[00:34:20] Bye bye.

[00:34:21] Bye bye.