Divorce Recovery and Happiness / Not what you expect from this podcast - Matt O’Neill, Coach || DPTSP#049 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome everybody out there to another episode of Don't Pick the Scab Podcast, where we focus on helping men,

[00:00:05] [SPEAKER_01]: my men over 40 with their healing struggles during and after divorce. Today we have Matt Onneill on the show. His

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_01]: superpower is being the happiness expert. And just talking with Matt, he's more than that way more than that. So I'm

[00:00:19] [SPEAKER_01]: excited to get him on the show. He's the host of his own podcast, Good Mood Revolution and author of the same, the

[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_01]: Good Mood Revolution. We'll talk about that too. I think Matt can help my listeners in their divorce recovery journey and

[00:00:33] [SPEAKER_01]: always say that happiness is not overrated. So

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_01]: welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_01]: thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce. Check it out. Tell us a little bit about

[00:01:08] [SPEAKER_01]: yourself, Matt. We'll go from there.

[00:01:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Matt M. Webb David man, I am so freaking jacked to be on this. But you are just immediately I'm like, oh, you're like such a fun, jovial,

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00]: happy guy to be around. And that's like, that's my wheelhouse, man. I know that happiness is like one of it's what we all want, man. We all

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: want happiness. All everything we're doing is striving to be happy. And then when something disrupts our happiness, like a

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, man, it could just it could put us into a huge tailspin of anxiety and despair and guilt and shame and all these negative

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: emotions. And, and I was really, really excited to talk to this audience to talk to the person that's going through this

[00:01:52] [SPEAKER_00]: challenge and trial in their life because what I teach is that happiness is a choice, regardless of what's going on in your

[00:02:00] [SPEAKER_00]: life and the external life that happiness comes from an internal choice. And we make that choice by examining our beliefs and

[00:02:08] [SPEAKER_00]: understanding our beliefs and how those then create our moods and then and then and then correcting all of that.

[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Wow. So we're talking about choosing happiness. How do you physically or mentally choose happiness? What's the what's the

[00:02:22] [SPEAKER_01]: steps or how do you go down that rabbit hole?

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, the first step is to notice that we're actually choosing every emotion that we're experiencing. We don't know it. So

[00:02:33] [SPEAKER_00]: happiness is a skill. We are already creating every emotion we experience ourselves, either with a conscious choice or a

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_00]: subconscious choice. A lot of times when we're not happy, it's subconscious, we don't we don't realize that our

[00:02:49] [SPEAKER_00]: beliefs are creating a world of suffering for us. And then we're just in a world of suffering. If we don't if we

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: don't know that we're creating it, then we'll go into victim mode and we'll start to blame the other person. You know, it's

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_00]: her fault. That's the reason you know, she did this to me. And that blame game isn't going to make us happy, you

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: know, but it's it's a easy go to when we don't understand why we're feeling the way we're feeling. But if we can get

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: to the point to recognize that, hey, everything I experience is internal, like everything I experience is within me. The

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_00]: outside world, what I choose to interpret about the outside world, that creates my internal experience and happiness is

[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_00]: an internal feeling. So I am the one in control of if I'm feeling happy or if I'm not feeling happy. Now I'm not

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_00]: saying this is easy. This is not easy at all. You know, in my book, Good Mood Revolution, I talk about the

[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_00]: eight primary bad moods that get in the way of our happiness. And there are eight just eight, there's only

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_00]: eight primary bad moods that get in the way of our happiness.

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Let's go down that rabbit hole. Come on, let's go.

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go man. Hey, dude, divorce hits on six of them pretty hard. And so the first the first, the most

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_00]: destructive bad mood is a feeling of rejection. It's shame. It's I'm not lovable. I'm rejectable. You

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_00]: know, so when we're going through divorce, there's a lot of rejection, right? And then I can lead to a

[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_00]: feeling that there's something wrong with me. You know, of course this happened, of course, you know,

[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_00]: these are subconscious beliefs that usually are programmed in childhood, usually from traumatic

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00]: experiences that happen. And when something bad happens, we look at ourselves and we say, you

[00:04:34] [SPEAKER_00]: know, I must be flawed, there must be something wrong with me for this to happen. Well, shame

[00:04:39] [SPEAKER_00]: is not a truth. It's never a truth. There's, we're always lovable, no matter what happens,

[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_00]: no matter what happens in life, no matter how bad we've been, what destructive decisions we've made,

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_00]: we at our core, at our essence, we are still lovable. So this emotion of shame will wreak

[00:04:56] [SPEAKER_00]: havoc on our happiness. It's really impossible to think we're unlovable and have a happy life

[00:05:00] [SPEAKER_00]: at the same time. So we've got to heal that one. The healing of shame comes from uprooting

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: them the root belief that like we have to admit, hey, I really do feel unworthy of love

[00:05:12] [SPEAKER_00]: right now. And then, and then it's affirmations in our, in our head, we're saying over and over

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: again, I'm not lovable. Maybe not in those exact words, but I'm a mess up. I always make things

[00:05:24] [SPEAKER_00]: wrong, whatever, whatever those words are, we've got to start saying the right words, which

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_00]: is I'm fully worthy of love. I've always been cared for. I've always been guided. I've

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: always been protected. So it's going to be through positive affirmations that we're going

[00:05:39] [SPEAKER_00]: to undo that negative affirmation of shame.

[00:05:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Wow, I keep going down. So that's that's one.

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_01]: That's one. That's one. I keep going.

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the next one is going to be probably the next most destructive emotion that we go

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: through as we go through a divorce. And that's guilt and judgment. Guilt and judgment are

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: two sides of the same coin. Guilt says I've messed up and I deserve to be punished or

[00:06:05] [SPEAKER_00]: messed up and I deserve bad things. So maybe we've messed up in our marriage. All of us

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_00]: have. Maybe we said some things that made the other person cry. All of us have. And

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: then we want to punish ourselves more and think that'll make us better, right? Or

[00:06:20] [SPEAKER_00]: we externalize our guilt. We don't, we don't like ourselves because of what we've

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: done wrong. But we, because we don't want to deal with that. We just push it onto

[00:06:28] [SPEAKER_00]: the other person and we judge them and we say you're wrong. You said that stupid

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: thing. You made me feel awful. Both of these are the exact same emotion and they

[00:06:37] [SPEAKER_00]: both are destroying our happiness. So this is just a normal human emotion.

[00:06:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Everyone judges and has guilt. We all do. But to heal it, we have to start

[00:06:48] [SPEAKER_00]: saying everything that's right. Everything we're doing right. So what I do

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_00]: is a real simple exercise. I do it every day. I write down three things I

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_00]: did right the day before. Every day I just write down three simple things.

[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_00]: What did I do right yesterday? My mind is going to tell me all the things I

[00:07:04] [SPEAKER_00]: did wrong. But I'm going to tell myself, you know, I actually did three things

[00:07:09] [SPEAKER_00]: right yesterday. What happens in overtime when we start to talk about

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_00]: all we're doing right, is we start to notice what we're doing right in the

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00]: moment. And then we start to notice what other people are doing right in

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: the moment. Maybe if we get really good at this, we start to notice what our

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: ex is doing right in the moment. And so rather than trashing them about

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_00]: they did this and they did that. We're like, man, actually, I think it was

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_00]: pretty cool the way that you talk to the kids about taking responsibility the

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER_00]: other day. Like that was really cool. Man, if we could authentically get

[00:07:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to that point, happiness is like going to be a guarantee. Now I'm not saying

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_00]: that's easy to do. I'm just saying this is one of the things that's

[00:07:45] [SPEAKER_00]: gonna get in the way is that judgment.

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_01]: That's true.

[00:07:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Come on, give it to me.

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the next one that's gonna hit us is just overwhelmed. Like

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_00]: this feeling of hopelessness.

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes like this is so big. Everything I've ever known is tied up

[00:08:05] [SPEAKER_00]: in this relationship. How do I even go like my friends are friends with

[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_00]: her? You know, like, how am I going to deal with the kids? And when

[00:08:14] [SPEAKER_00]: are we going to see each other? It could just be an overwhelming

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: decision. And in that overwhelm, we can start to feel just like

[00:08:20] [SPEAKER_00]: hopeless, like my life will never be as happy as it was. And this is not

[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_00]: truth. But it is a normal emotion to think that, you know, my past is

[00:08:31] [SPEAKER_00]: is as good as it got and it's never going to be bright again.

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

[00:08:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And that and that's, you know, again, if you're if you're stuck

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_00]: in that thought pattern, I've certainly been stuck in a thought

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_00]: pattern where I thought my future wasn't going to be as bright as

[00:08:43] [SPEAKER_00]: my past and I felt totally hopeless and, and you even start

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_00]: to get like self destructive thoughts. Like I was driving down

[00:08:50] [SPEAKER_00]: the street and I'm like, man, I don't care if I get in a car

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_00]: crash right now. I just I just don't I don't care my whole life

[00:08:57] [SPEAKER_00]: is crashing around me. I don't care if I crash. That's a wake up

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: call. Like when we start to have self destructive thoughts,

[00:09:03] [SPEAKER_00]: that's a wake up call. So if you're in that mode, you need

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: to reach out for help. So it when you really do feel

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_00]: hopeless and that's a it's a just a normal emotion. There's

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: nothing wrong with you and you feel that way. There's nothing

[00:09:17] [SPEAKER_00]: wrong. So I bet if you talk to I bet if you talk to 100

[00:09:22] [SPEAKER_00]: people, honestly, every single one of them would tell you at

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: some point in their life, they had self destructive thoughts.

[00:09:28] [SPEAKER_00]: If they were being honest. So if you're feeling that way,

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_00]: it's just normal, we all go through it. But what you need

[00:09:35] [SPEAKER_00]: to do is you have to talk to somebody who has hope and who

[00:09:38] [SPEAKER_00]: knows the truth that life is going to be brighter. And so

[00:09:41] [SPEAKER_00]: you know, you could probably reach out to David and David

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: would I'm sure be there for you, you could reach out to

[00:09:47] [SPEAKER_00]: me and I would certainly be there for you. You just call a

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: professional call a counselor, somebody is going to be there

[00:09:53] [SPEAKER_00]: for you and help you through this really destructive emotion.

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_00]: It's not one you can just get through on your own.

[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_01]: That's four.

[00:10:05] [SPEAKER_00]: We're doing six right so there's six to primarily

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_01]: effective we're doing six but I still want to know what the

[00:10:10] [SPEAKER_00]: other two are though with the yeah, absolutely. So one of

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_00]: one of the eight is actually gonna be really helpful for

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_00]: getting over divorce. We'll talk about that the the

[00:10:20] [SPEAKER_00]: fifth one that's going to be destructive is just feeling

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_00]: emotionally sad. Just being hurt. Just being like, man, I've

[00:10:29] [SPEAKER_00]: lost a lot. I lost everything, you know, my whole

[00:10:32] [SPEAKER_00]: life everything that I was creating forever has just

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_00]: disintegrated. I've lost every note and I don't even get

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_00]: to see my kids now like someone else is going to be

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_00]: raising them like I've lost so much this feeling of loss

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_00]: and sadness. You know, we can get stuck there and we can

[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_00]: actually get into a depression over this idea that

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_00]: we've lost something to deal with that sadness. We have

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to understand that man change is life. Life is

[00:10:59] [SPEAKER_00]: constant change. Nothing ever stays the same. This

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship changed every relationship changes your life

[00:11:07] [SPEAKER_00]: evolves. Sometimes we like the way it changes or like

[00:11:10] [SPEAKER_00]: oh, we get an unexpected promotion at work. We're

[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_00]: like, Oh, I'll take that change. But then sometimes

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: we don't like the way it changes like, hey, I just had a

[00:11:18] [SPEAKER_00]: divorce. I don't want that change. We can't resist

[00:11:20] [SPEAKER_00]: change whether it's good or it's bad if the resisting

[00:11:24] [SPEAKER_00]: change is resisting life. So rather than resisting this

[00:11:28] [SPEAKER_00]: change, we need to move into acceptance and acceptance

[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_00]: is saying I can't change the past. It is what it

[00:11:36] [SPEAKER_00]: is. I just have to fully embrace and accept what's

[00:11:40] [SPEAKER_00]: here. And from a place of acceptance, we can start

[00:11:43] [SPEAKER_00]: move into some positive emotions. But what usually

[00:11:46] [SPEAKER_00]: happens for men is what I do my go to is the is the

[00:11:49] [SPEAKER_00]: sixth negative emotion that's going to get to us is we

[00:11:52] [SPEAKER_00]: just get angry about it. We don't want to feel how

[00:11:54] [SPEAKER_00]: vulnerable and hurt we are. And so we just cover

[00:11:58] [SPEAKER_00]: all that hurt up with resentment, hatred,

[00:12:01] [SPEAKER_00]: wanting revenge, wanting them to suffer. And we

[00:12:04] [SPEAKER_00]: think we can just cover that hurt up by making

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_00]: them hurt. But man, that's never the answer. What

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_00]: that anger is really doing is it's covering up the

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_00]: vulnerability we don't want to touch that

[00:12:14] [SPEAKER_00]: vulnerability that saying, man, I'm just, I'm just

[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_00]: really, really hurt. I'm so sad about this. But

[00:12:21] [SPEAKER_00]: when I was five, my personal life, my dad said

[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_00]: men don't cry. And then my older brother was like,

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_00]: men don't cry. And I'm like, well, shoot, I'm

[00:12:30] [SPEAKER_00]: a man, I don't cry. And so then I didn't cry.

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Right? So I didn't I wasn't in touch with this

[00:12:34] [SPEAKER_00]: hurt. So I got angry so fast. Anytime that

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_00]: emotional hurt would come up, I wouldn't notice it

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_00]: because the anger comes back in less than half a

[00:12:44] [SPEAKER_00]: second to cover it up. And then you're just like

[00:12:46] [SPEAKER_00]: angry, right? So how we deal with the anger is

[00:12:50] [SPEAKER_00]: we admit the truth. Anytime we feel anger, we

[00:12:55] [SPEAKER_00]: have to ask ourselves, how am I feeling hurt?

[00:12:58] [SPEAKER_00]: How am I feeling vulnerable right now?

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_01]: And that's six. So there's two more. Yeah,

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_01]: there's two more though.

[00:13:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there are. So the seventh one that is

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_00]: going to end up being a positive for us, and

[00:13:11] [SPEAKER_00]: we'll get to it about how we can use it to our

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_00]: advantage is lust or desire. And it's lusting

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_00]: for more is desire for better, you know,

[00:13:21] [SPEAKER_00]: something better. And so that's going to help

[00:13:22] [SPEAKER_00]: us on our recovery. We just don't want to get

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_00]: stuck there because if we stay in that lust and

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_00]: desire, it's insatiable. That's why it's one

[00:13:29] [SPEAKER_00]: of the eight bad moods. But we can use it to

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_00]: our advantage. Once we get past acceptance

[00:13:34] [SPEAKER_00]: and actually start to have gratitude for our

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_00]: life, and then we can start to desire a new

[00:13:38] [SPEAKER_00]: life, something better that's even you know,

[00:13:40] [SPEAKER_00]: we can create, we can really create a future

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_00]: that's even better than we've ever had. This

[00:13:44] [SPEAKER_00]: is that's the thing about that sadness we're

[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_00]: talking about, like, my life will never be as

[00:13:48] [SPEAKER_00]: good. Totally false. My life can actually be

[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_00]: 10 times better than it ever was. And I can

[00:13:56] [SPEAKER_00]: create it that way. It's a complete truth.

[00:13:59] [SPEAKER_00]: And now David, you know, on the other side

[00:14:00] [SPEAKER_00]: of this that man, life after divorce could

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_00]: be even better than it was before. But we

[00:14:06] [SPEAKER_00]: don't know it when we're stuck in that loss

[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and that hopelessness. We think I've lost

[00:14:10] [SPEAKER_00]: everything. And then the eighth one, just

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_00]: to give it to you also can be a positive

[00:14:18] [SPEAKER_00]: through this and it's pride. And pride is

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_00]: ultimately a bad mood if we stay stuck in it

[00:14:26] [SPEAKER_00]: because pride turns into arrogance and

[00:14:28] [SPEAKER_00]: entitlement. And those are not positives.

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_00]: But in the case when we're going through

[00:14:35] [SPEAKER_00]: these really low emotions, using that

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_00]: desire for something better and then

[00:14:40] [SPEAKER_00]: feeling proud of ourselves for handling

[00:14:41] [SPEAKER_00]: ourselves with composure, for giving our

[00:14:44] [SPEAKER_00]: ex-brace, having pride in the way we act,

[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_00]: these two negative moods can actually be

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_00]: positive. So everything's relative. But

[00:14:52] [SPEAKER_00]: those are those are two things that can

[00:14:54] [SPEAKER_00]: actually help us.

[00:14:56] [SPEAKER_01]: So are there any pitfalls in search

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_01]: for happiness? You know, I know it's all

[00:15:00] [SPEAKER_01]: positive, but it can be all unicorns and

[00:15:03] [SPEAKER_01]: rainbows.

[00:15:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, man. If you just go to the so my

[00:15:10] [SPEAKER_00]: book has two halves. The first half is

[00:15:12] [SPEAKER_00]: how to conquer these eight bad moods.

[00:15:14] [SPEAKER_00]: And then the second half is how to

[00:15:16] [SPEAKER_00]: choose the eight primary positive

[00:15:18] [SPEAKER_00]: emotions that we're going to talk

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_00]: about next. If we skip over actually

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_00]: healing the negativity, if we if we

[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_00]: just cover up our pain and then we

[00:15:29] [SPEAKER_00]: put on a fake happy face and we like

[00:15:31] [SPEAKER_00]: do the gratitude journal and we like

[00:15:34] [SPEAKER_00]: say all the right things and we do all

[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_00]: the things that we like putting on a

[00:15:37] [SPEAKER_00]: fake happy smile, trying to tell

[00:15:39] [SPEAKER_00]: everybody it's okay. Well inside

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_00]: we're actually like breaking down.

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's going to be that's

[00:15:45] [SPEAKER_00]: going to be the pitfall. So we

[00:15:46] [SPEAKER_00]: have that's why the first half of

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_00]: the book and what we started with is

[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_00]: what are the things that are truly

[00:15:51] [SPEAKER_00]: bothering us? And we got to work on

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_00]: those first before we can be happy.

[00:15:56] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, and also another part of

[00:15:57] [SPEAKER_01]: that is and we'll probably touch on

[00:15:59] [SPEAKER_01]: this later, is think of happiness

[00:16:02] [SPEAKER_01]: of having two parts. There's like

[00:16:05] [SPEAKER_01]: lasting happiness and there's

[00:16:06] [SPEAKER_01]: fleeting happiness. What's what's a

[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_01]: a example of fleeting happiness

[00:16:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and and why can that be a negative

[00:16:14] [SPEAKER_00]: thing? Yeah man, fleeting happiness

[00:16:17] [SPEAKER_00]: is just pleasure seeking. And when

[00:16:20] [SPEAKER_00]: we feel so bad going through a

[00:16:22] [SPEAKER_00]: divorce, it's easy to just go to the

[00:16:24] [SPEAKER_00]: bar. You know, we go to the bar,

[00:16:27] [SPEAKER_00]: we as soon as we have a little bit

[00:16:29] [SPEAKER_00]: of alcohol, dopamine spikes in our

[00:16:31] [SPEAKER_00]: brain, our problems go away. We

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_00]: actually numb our thoughts. And

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that's pleasure. Man, it's

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_00]: pleasurable to go to the bar. It's

[00:16:39] [SPEAKER_00]: pleasurable to watch a frickin

[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_00]: football game with your buddies and

[00:16:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and drink and you know for me,

[00:16:44] [SPEAKER_00]: when I was dealing with all these

[00:16:45] [SPEAKER_00]: negative emotions are I was not

[00:16:47] [SPEAKER_00]: dealing with the negative emotions

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_00]: rather but I had them they kept

[00:16:50] [SPEAKER_00]: continuing to show up. Every time I

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_00]: went drinking I drank to black out.

[00:16:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I just had I had to just black it

[00:16:55] [SPEAKER_00]: all out. There was like no other

[00:16:57] [SPEAKER_00]: option for me. It was just I needed

[00:16:58] [SPEAKER_00]: to turn it all off. So that's when

[00:17:01] [SPEAKER_00]: and then drugs right so that's also

[00:17:03] [SPEAKER_00]: something I leaned on because I no

[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_00]: one taught me the skill of how

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_00]: to identify these eight emotions

[00:17:09] [SPEAKER_00]: and then how to how to move

[00:17:10] [SPEAKER_00]: past them. My only option was

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_00]: shut them off. And for me, that

[00:17:15] [SPEAKER_00]: was drugs and alcohol and then

[00:17:16] [SPEAKER_00]: sex too. You know, chasing women.

[00:17:19] [SPEAKER_00]: That was another way like I would

[00:17:20] [SPEAKER_00]: feel all the I'm not good enough.

[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not lovable. I'd go find a

[00:17:24] [SPEAKER_00]: new mate and I'd be like, oh man,

[00:17:26] [SPEAKER_00]: all right, somebody likes me. So I

[00:17:27] [SPEAKER_00]: guess I am worthwhile. But again,

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_00]: it's not that underlying feeling

[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_00]: of I'm unlovable. I'm unlikeable

[00:17:34] [SPEAKER_00]: shows me back up doesn't matter

[00:17:36] [SPEAKER_00]: if you have 10 different girls

[00:17:38] [SPEAKER_00]: that you meet this, you know,

[00:17:39] [SPEAKER_00]: in the next few months. Doesn't

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_00]: matter. It's still there. So we

[00:17:42] [SPEAKER_00]: got to deal with that. So this

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER_00]: pleasure seeking isn't ultimately

[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_00]: going to be a long lasting

[00:17:46] [SPEAKER_00]: happiness option. What about that

[00:17:48] [SPEAKER_01]: guy who says, hey, look, you

[00:17:50] [SPEAKER_01]: know, you know, my dad didn't say

[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_01]: don't cry. My big brother said

[00:17:55] [SPEAKER_01]: don't cry. This happiness notion.

[00:17:57] [SPEAKER_01]: It's a crock. What do you say

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_01]: to that guy? Say, hey, do you

[00:18:01] [SPEAKER_01]: need to listen to me? I'm trying

[00:18:02] [SPEAKER_01]: to help you. How do you

[00:18:05] [SPEAKER_01]: broach that curb?

[00:18:09] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, when the student is

[00:18:12] [SPEAKER_00]: ready, the teacher appears.

[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_00]: And when someone's not ready,

[00:18:16] [SPEAKER_00]: all we can do is just invite

[00:18:17] [SPEAKER_00]: them to a much happier way of

[00:18:20] [SPEAKER_00]: life. And then they can either

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_00]: say, I'm finally ready to do

[00:18:25] [SPEAKER_00]: that. And yeah, there's some

[00:18:26] [SPEAKER_00]: vulnerable work to do here and

[00:18:28] [SPEAKER_00]: there's some humbleness that's

[00:18:29] [SPEAKER_00]: going to come and I'm going to

[00:18:30] [SPEAKER_00]: have to go into some emotions

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_00]: that I don't want to touch

[00:18:33] [SPEAKER_00]: that for whatever reason,

[00:18:34] [SPEAKER_00]: society told me it's not

[00:18:35] [SPEAKER_00]: manly to feel. But you know,

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_00]: the way I've been doing it has

[00:18:40] [SPEAKER_00]: created so much pain in my

[00:18:41] [SPEAKER_00]: life that I finally experienced

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_00]: so much pain that now I'm

[00:18:44] [SPEAKER_00]: ready to do something different

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_00]: and I'm willing to listen.

[00:18:47] [SPEAKER_00]: That's the only time that we

[00:18:48] [SPEAKER_00]: can help somebody. I can't

[00:18:50] [SPEAKER_00]: help anybody that doesn't want

[00:18:51] [SPEAKER_00]: help and nor would I even try.

[00:18:53] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just pointless.

[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_01]: What about the self care?

[00:18:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Self care is a big topic with

[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_01]: me and Rachel. A lot of guys

[00:19:00] [SPEAKER_01]: don't practice it. How does

[00:19:02] [SPEAKER_01]: self care come into play with

[00:19:04] [SPEAKER_01]: happiness?

[00:19:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I think more guys

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_00]: practice self care than it just

[00:19:10] [SPEAKER_00]: looks different for us.

[00:19:13] [SPEAKER_00]: My wife and I just got a

[00:19:15] [SPEAKER_00]: massage. It was our

[00:19:16] [SPEAKER_00]: anniversary. We just went for

[00:19:17] [SPEAKER_00]: a massage and the masseuse

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER_00]: asked when was the last time

[00:19:21] [SPEAKER_00]: you had a massage? I said

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_00]: probably last year on our

[00:19:24] [SPEAKER_00]: anniversary. She said

[00:19:26] [SPEAKER_00]: you need more massage. Your

[00:19:28] [SPEAKER_00]: muscles are so freaking tense

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_00]: that you probably need a

[00:19:32] [SPEAKER_00]: massage every two weeks for

[00:19:33] [SPEAKER_00]: the next year. I'm like,

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_00]: okay, thank you for that

[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_00]: feedback. Yet massage is not

[00:19:39] [SPEAKER_00]: my idea of self care.

[00:19:42] [SPEAKER_00]: What is my idea of self

[00:19:43] [SPEAKER_00]: care? For me, going to the

[00:19:46] [SPEAKER_00]: gym, lifting weights, that

[00:19:49] [SPEAKER_00]: is self care for me. I put

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_00]: in some music. It makes me

[00:19:55] [SPEAKER_00]: feel good. I start pumping

[00:19:56] [SPEAKER_00]: weights. I get positive

[00:19:58] [SPEAKER_00]: emotions that are going

[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_00]: through me, all these positive

[00:20:00] [SPEAKER_00]: endorphins that get

[00:20:01] [SPEAKER_00]: released. Taking care of

[00:20:03] [SPEAKER_00]: our body is self care.

[00:20:07] [SPEAKER_00]: A woman's version of self

[00:20:09] [SPEAKER_00]: care might be going to the

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_00]: spa or taking a bath. A

[00:20:12] [SPEAKER_00]: man's version of self care

[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_00]: might just look different,

[00:20:15] [SPEAKER_00]: but it's still self care.

[00:20:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you go out and play

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_00]: poker with your buddies?

[00:20:20] [SPEAKER_00]: That could be your self care.

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_00]: That's connection. Of course,

[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_00]: if all we are is completely

[00:20:29] [SPEAKER_00]: selfless and we're taking

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_00]: care of the kids all the

[00:20:32] [SPEAKER_00]: time and we're going to

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_00]: work all the time and we're

[00:20:34] [SPEAKER_00]: doing all the right things

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER_00]: and we feel totally burned

[00:20:36] [SPEAKER_00]: out because we're not doing

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_00]: anything that makes us

[00:20:39] [SPEAKER_00]: happy, then we need to do

[00:20:42] [SPEAKER_00]: some things that make us

[00:20:42] [SPEAKER_00]: happy. I just want to

[00:20:44] [SPEAKER_00]: challenge the notion that I

[00:20:45] [SPEAKER_00]: think more men are doing

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_00]: self care activities. They

[00:20:47] [SPEAKER_00]: look different than what

[00:20:49] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe traditionally women

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_00]: would call self care.

[00:20:52] [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm not going to

[00:20:53] [SPEAKER_01]: pamper ourselves.

[00:20:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Some of us will. I

[00:20:56] [SPEAKER_00]: like a massage. I do.

[00:20:58] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just for me,

[00:21:00] [SPEAKER_00]: if I really want to

[00:21:02] [SPEAKER_00]: feel good, it's not going

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_00]: in and sitting in a

[00:21:04] [SPEAKER_00]: massage. It's going to

[00:21:06] [SPEAKER_00]: the gym. That's what

[00:21:07] [SPEAKER_00]: fires me up. It's

[00:21:08] [SPEAKER_00]: different.

[00:21:09] [SPEAKER_01]: At the beginning of my

[00:21:10] [SPEAKER_01]: divorce, I wore out about

[00:21:13] [SPEAKER_01]: three, four sets of

[00:21:14] [SPEAKER_01]: mountain bike and road

[00:21:15] [SPEAKER_01]: bike tires. Just killed

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_01]: self care.

[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I mean riding your

[00:21:21] [SPEAKER_00]: bike. So one of the,

[00:21:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a happiness guy.

[00:21:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I teach happiness.

[00:21:27] [SPEAKER_00]: The fastest way to

[00:21:29] [SPEAKER_00]: happiness is through

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_00]: the physical activity.

[00:21:32] [SPEAKER_00]: It's the fastest way.

[00:21:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Riding your bike.

[00:21:35] [SPEAKER_00]: When you exhaust your

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_00]: body, your mind also

[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_00]: becomes, it's not

[00:21:41] [SPEAKER_00]: running in circles.

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, we're riding our

[00:21:44] [SPEAKER_00]: bike. When we're riding

[00:21:45] [SPEAKER_00]: our bike, we're focused

[00:21:46] [SPEAKER_00]: on the road. It's almost

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_00]: like a meditation.

[00:21:48] [SPEAKER_00]: You know, when I go to

[00:21:49] [SPEAKER_00]: the gym and I'm working

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_00]: hard in the gym, I'm

[00:21:51] [SPEAKER_00]: not thinking about all

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_00]: the stuff that's going

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_00]: wrong. I'm focused on

[00:21:54] [SPEAKER_00]: the gym. That's like

[00:21:55] [SPEAKER_00]: a meditation and it

[00:21:56] [SPEAKER_00]: is a key to happiness.

[00:21:57] [SPEAKER_00]: It does make us happier

[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_00]: when we work out.

[00:22:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. What about the

[00:22:02] [SPEAKER_01]: supporting village?

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm a big villager

[00:22:04] [SPEAKER_01]: person, but you

[00:22:05] [SPEAKER_01]: got to pick the

[00:22:07] [SPEAKER_01]: right villagers.

[00:22:08] [SPEAKER_01]: Everybody's not a

[00:22:09] [SPEAKER_01]: supporting cast member.

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_01]: How do you incorporate

[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_01]: happiness with the

[00:22:15] [SPEAKER_01]: supporting village?

[00:22:17] [SPEAKER_00]: The first thing is that

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_00]: you make David one of

[00:22:20] [SPEAKER_00]: your five people in

[00:22:21] [SPEAKER_00]: your life. You listen

[00:22:22] [SPEAKER_00]: to this podcast.

[00:22:28] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm serious, man.

[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_00]: For me, when I'm

[00:22:31] [SPEAKER_00]: going through hard

[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_00]: times, Jim Rohn said

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_00]: you are the five

[00:22:36] [SPEAKER_00]: people that you hang

[00:22:36] [SPEAKER_00]: around most. When I

[00:22:38] [SPEAKER_00]: didn't have five

[00:22:39] [SPEAKER_00]: people that I thought

[00:22:40] [SPEAKER_00]: would be exactly who

[00:22:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I wanted to be, he

[00:22:44] [SPEAKER_00]: said one of those

[00:22:46] [SPEAKER_00]: five people can be

[00:22:47] [SPEAKER_00]: somebody you don't

[00:22:47] [SPEAKER_00]: even know personally,

[00:22:49] [SPEAKER_00]: but you're just

[00:22:50] [SPEAKER_00]: consuming so much

[00:22:51] [SPEAKER_00]: of their positive

[00:22:52] [SPEAKER_00]: content that their

[00:22:53] [SPEAKER_00]: voice is one of the

[00:22:54] [SPEAKER_00]: loudest five voices

[00:22:55] [SPEAKER_00]: in your head.

[00:22:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Listening to this

[00:22:58] [SPEAKER_00]: podcast is part

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_00]: of the village.

[00:23:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Putting in some

[00:23:03] [SPEAKER_00]: positive podcast

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_00]: material or listening

[00:23:06] [SPEAKER_00]: to positive uplifting

[00:23:07] [SPEAKER_00]: books or reading

[00:23:08] [SPEAKER_00]: positive uplifting

[00:23:09] [SPEAKER_00]: books, that is

[00:23:11] [SPEAKER_00]: part of your village.

[00:23:11] [SPEAKER_00]: I know we need

[00:23:12] [SPEAKER_00]: real connection too.

[00:23:14] [SPEAKER_00]: One of the exercises

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I teach is to rate

[00:23:18] [SPEAKER_00]: your friends on a

[00:23:19] [SPEAKER_00]: scale of one to 10.

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_01]: That's a good one.

[00:23:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I rate my friends,

[00:23:27] [SPEAKER_00]: and I did this

[00:23:27] [SPEAKER_00]: when I first did

[00:23:28] [SPEAKER_00]: this exercise.

[00:23:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, okay,

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm hanging around

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_00]: people that are not

[00:23:34] [SPEAKER_00]: making me the ideal

[00:23:36] [SPEAKER_00]: version of me.

[00:23:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm hanging around

[00:23:37] [SPEAKER_00]: people that are making

[00:23:38] [SPEAKER_00]: me who I am right

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_00]: now. I don't want

[00:23:40] [SPEAKER_00]: to be who I am

[00:23:41] [SPEAKER_00]: right now. Who I am

[00:23:42] [SPEAKER_00]: right now is

[00:23:42] [SPEAKER_00]: messing things up.

[00:23:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Going to the bar

[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_00]: all the time.

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_00]: He's using drugs

[00:23:47] [SPEAKER_00]: every single day.

[00:23:48] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, well,

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_00]: what are my influences?

[00:23:50] [SPEAKER_00]: What are they all doing?

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, okay,

[00:23:52] [SPEAKER_00]: they're all like me,

[00:23:53] [SPEAKER_00]: but I don't want

[00:23:53] [SPEAKER_00]: to be this guy anymore.

[00:23:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to be this guy.

[00:23:56] [SPEAKER_00]: Then I'm like,

[00:23:57] [SPEAKER_00]: who's here?

[00:23:59] [SPEAKER_00]: Who's prioritizing

[00:24:00] [SPEAKER_00]: their health and fitness?

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Who's got an amazing

[00:24:02] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship rather

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER_00]: than cheating on

[00:24:04] [SPEAKER_00]: their spouse?

[00:24:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Who's so faithful

[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_00]: to their spouse?

[00:24:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Because if we

[00:24:08] [SPEAKER_00]: hang around a bunch

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_00]: of people that are

[00:24:10] [SPEAKER_00]: cheating on their

[00:24:11] [SPEAKER_00]: spouse, it's way

[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_00]: easier for us to do that.

[00:24:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Because it's just

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_00]: like normal behavior.

[00:24:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Yep.

[00:24:18] [SPEAKER_00]: So I rated my friends

[00:24:19] [SPEAKER_00]: on a scale of one

[00:24:20] [SPEAKER_00]: to ten in five

[00:24:21] [SPEAKER_00]: different areas.

[00:24:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Health and fitness,

[00:24:25] [SPEAKER_00]: relationship,

[00:24:27] [SPEAKER_00]: financial, spiritual,

[00:24:29] [SPEAKER_00]: and it just one

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_00]: to ten.

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Where are they

[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_00]: one to ten?

[00:24:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Then I'd average

[00:24:33] [SPEAKER_00]: them up and I'm like,

[00:24:34] [SPEAKER_00]: okay, anybody

[00:24:35] [SPEAKER_00]: that's below a seven,

[00:24:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I need to limit

[00:24:37] [SPEAKER_00]: from my village.

[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Anyone that's above

[00:24:39] [SPEAKER_00]: a seven, eight,

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_00]: nine or ten,

[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I want to increase

[00:24:42] [SPEAKER_00]: the time I spend

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_00]: with them.

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_00]: And I only had two guys.

[00:24:45] [SPEAKER_00]: My village was two people.

[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like,

[00:24:49] [SPEAKER_00]: okay, well,

[00:24:50] [SPEAKER_00]: what's cool now is

[00:24:51] [SPEAKER_00]: now I've opened up my life.

[00:24:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I've created space

[00:24:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to fill in

[00:24:56] [SPEAKER_00]: with a couple more

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_00]: eights, nines or tens.

[00:24:59] [SPEAKER_00]: And you end up doing it.

[00:25:01] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're intentional

[00:25:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and you want to create

[00:25:03] [SPEAKER_00]: those relationships,

[00:25:04] [SPEAKER_00]: you will find a way

[00:25:05] [SPEAKER_00]: to find those people.

[00:25:06] [SPEAKER_01]: We can circle back

[00:25:07] [SPEAKER_01]: to the beginning

[00:25:07] [SPEAKER_01]: where we talk about

[00:25:08] [SPEAKER_01]: the happiness blueprint.

[00:25:11] [SPEAKER_01]: What does that look like?

[00:25:13] [SPEAKER_00]: So happiness,

[00:25:14] [SPEAKER_00]: lasting happiness,

[00:25:15] [SPEAKER_00]: this joy that you had

[00:25:16] [SPEAKER_00]: talked about earlier.

[00:25:19] [SPEAKER_00]: We feel I'm going to take us

[00:25:21] [SPEAKER_00]: through a little exercise

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_00]: and David,

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_00]: I'll just ask you to play along

[00:25:25] [SPEAKER_00]: if you don't mind.

[00:25:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Think of a really,

[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_00]: really joyful day,

[00:25:30] [SPEAKER_00]: like a day where you

[00:25:31] [SPEAKER_00]: just felt on top of the world.

[00:25:33] [SPEAKER_00]: What was it?

[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_00]: What was a day

[00:25:35] [SPEAKER_00]: where you just felt like,

[00:25:36] [SPEAKER_00]: man, life is so good right now.

[00:25:39] [SPEAKER_00]: What was a day like that for you?

[00:25:41] [SPEAKER_01]: When my first kid was born.

[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Me too, man.

[00:25:45] [SPEAKER_00]: It's her 11th birthday today.

[00:25:48] [SPEAKER_01]: My first.

[00:25:48] [SPEAKER_01]: Mine's 31, dude.

[00:25:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Ouch.

[00:25:52] [SPEAKER_00]: My daughter,

[00:25:53] [SPEAKER_00]: we've got four kids.

[00:25:55] [SPEAKER_00]: My oldest is just turned 11 today.

[00:25:57] [SPEAKER_00]: And the youngest is two.

[00:26:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Just wait buddy.

[00:26:01] [SPEAKER_01]: You're in for a ride.

[00:26:04] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so excited.

[00:26:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm so excited about it.

[00:26:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Man, we actually,

[00:26:08] [SPEAKER_00]: so if you want to know

[00:26:09] [SPEAKER_00]: what's crazy, dude,

[00:26:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I've got 13 11 year olds

[00:26:12] [SPEAKER_00]: coming over tomorrow

[00:26:14] [SPEAKER_00]: for a 14 person sleepover.

[00:26:18] [SPEAKER_00]: The decibel level in this house

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_00]: is going to be like

[00:26:21] [SPEAKER_00]: the windows are going to break

[00:26:22] [SPEAKER_00]: with like how loud

[00:26:24] [SPEAKER_00]: the screams are going to be.

[00:26:25] [SPEAKER_00]: These girls are going to be going crazy.

[00:26:27] [SPEAKER_00]: The no sleep.

[00:26:28] [SPEAKER_00]: No sleep will be had.

[00:26:33] [SPEAKER_00]: So, okay.

[00:26:34] [SPEAKER_00]: So the day and so we,

[00:26:35] [SPEAKER_00]: you know,

[00:26:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I can relate to this so much

[00:26:36] [SPEAKER_00]: because we were just telling Harper today

[00:26:38] [SPEAKER_00]: about the day she was born.

[00:26:39] [SPEAKER_00]: And like how excited we were.

[00:26:43] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're listening,

[00:26:44] [SPEAKER_00]: think what was a day

[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_00]: that you felt like

[00:26:46] [SPEAKER_00]: on top of the world?

[00:26:47] [SPEAKER_00]: Just so joyful.

[00:26:49] [SPEAKER_00]: All of these days

[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_00]: have the same thing in common.

[00:26:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Internally,

[00:26:54] [SPEAKER_00]: we love our reality

[00:26:56] [SPEAKER_00]: exactly as it is.

[00:26:59] [SPEAKER_00]: On those days

[00:27:00] [SPEAKER_00]: when we feel on top of the world,

[00:27:02] [SPEAKER_00]: we don't want to change

[00:27:03] [SPEAKER_00]: a thing about reality.

[00:27:05] [SPEAKER_00]: We are just so excited

[00:27:07] [SPEAKER_00]: for a reality how it is.

[00:27:09] [SPEAKER_00]: That's the blueprint for happiness.

[00:27:12] [SPEAKER_00]: So any day

[00:27:13] [SPEAKER_00]: that we love our life

[00:27:15] [SPEAKER_00]: exactly at like love it.

[00:27:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Not, oh yeah, my life's okay

[00:27:19] [SPEAKER_00]: or my life's pretty good

[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_00]: except this little thing

[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_00]: or that little thing

[00:27:22] [SPEAKER_00]: is messing it up.

[00:27:23] [SPEAKER_00]: No.

[00:27:24] [SPEAKER_00]: Any day you just are thrilled,

[00:27:26] [SPEAKER_00]: ecstatic with your reality.

[00:27:28] [SPEAKER_00]: You are insanely joyful.

[00:27:30] [SPEAKER_00]: And it's the level of your happiness

[00:27:32] [SPEAKER_00]: and your love with your reality

[00:27:34] [SPEAKER_00]: exactly as it is

[00:27:35] [SPEAKER_00]: without wanting to change it

[00:27:36] [SPEAKER_00]: is your level of happiness.

[00:27:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So the day that your first child is born,

[00:27:41] [SPEAKER_00]: it doesn't matter if it's hot outside.

[00:27:44] [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter if it's raining outside.

[00:27:46] [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter

[00:27:46] [SPEAKER_00]: if you've got a sore ankle or whatever.

[00:27:49] [SPEAKER_00]: None of that little stuff matters

[00:27:51] [SPEAKER_00]: because you're just thrilled

[00:27:52] [SPEAKER_00]: with reality.

[00:27:53] [SPEAKER_00]: You don't want to change any of it.

[00:27:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Definitely.

[00:27:57] [SPEAKER_00]: So now let's reverse engineer this.

[00:28:00] [SPEAKER_00]: We're going through divorce

[00:28:03] [SPEAKER_00]: and I don't like it.

[00:28:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I wish it wasn't happening.

[00:28:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I wish this.

[00:28:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I wish that.

[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_00]: I wish that.

[00:28:10] [SPEAKER_00]: All right.

[00:28:10] [SPEAKER_00]: So we need to change it.

[00:28:11] [SPEAKER_00]: We need to change into

[00:28:13] [SPEAKER_00]: how can I love this current reality

[00:28:16] [SPEAKER_00]: exactly as it is

[00:28:17] [SPEAKER_00]: and be so enthusiastic

[00:28:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and so just thrilled with my life.

[00:28:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, the first step is

[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_00]: we got to dive into those

[00:28:24] [SPEAKER_00]: six bad moods we talked about.

[00:28:26] [SPEAKER_00]: And if you want some help with it,

[00:28:28] [SPEAKER_00]: get the Good Mood Revolution book.

[00:28:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I've got exercises to get out of them.

[00:28:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Reach out to me.

[00:28:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I can help you through them if you want.

[00:28:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Or just work on them through yourself.

[00:28:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Once we deal with those emotions,

[00:28:39] [SPEAKER_00]: then we have to move to responsibility

[00:28:42] [SPEAKER_00]: and humility.

[00:28:43] [SPEAKER_00]: These are the first two good moods.

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER_00]: We have humility to say,

[00:28:50] [SPEAKER_00]: okay, this is me.

[00:28:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I've I have at least partly created this.

[00:28:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm humble enough to say

[00:28:57] [SPEAKER_00]: I've made some mistakes

[00:29:00] [SPEAKER_00]: and then I'm going to take responsibility

[00:29:01] [SPEAKER_00]: for everything that's happened.

[00:29:03] [SPEAKER_00]: It's all on me.

[00:29:04] [SPEAKER_00]: It may be maybe I didn't do it.

[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter if she cheated on you

[00:29:08] [SPEAKER_00]: and whatever took the kids.

[00:29:09] [SPEAKER_00]: It doesn't matter.

[00:29:10] [SPEAKER_00]: You can say now it's my responsibility today

[00:29:12] [SPEAKER_00]: to make this life as good as I can make it.

[00:29:15] [SPEAKER_00]: And so as soon as we stop playing the victim,

[00:29:18] [SPEAKER_00]: we say, all right,

[00:29:19] [SPEAKER_00]: maybe I made some mistakes that led to this.

[00:29:20] [SPEAKER_00]: That's humbleness.

[00:29:21] [SPEAKER_00]: And then we say,

[00:29:22] [SPEAKER_00]: I am responsible today for me

[00:29:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and my happiness.

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Then from that point,

[00:29:28] [SPEAKER_00]: we can move to full acceptance.

[00:29:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I fully accept what's happened.

[00:29:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I accept it.

[00:29:33] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to change it.

[00:29:35] [SPEAKER_00]: It is what it is.

[00:29:37] [SPEAKER_00]: From acceptance,

[00:29:38] [SPEAKER_00]: we move to the next positive mood,

[00:29:40] [SPEAKER_00]: which is gratitude.

[00:29:41] [SPEAKER_00]: And we start to say I'm still alive.

[00:29:44] [SPEAKER_00]: My kids are still alive.

[00:29:46] [SPEAKER_00]: I still have an opportunity today

[00:29:48] [SPEAKER_00]: to make a difference.

[00:29:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I still like God,

[00:29:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I am grateful that I'm here.

[00:29:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm grateful for today.

[00:29:54] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm grateful for all the blessings I have.

[00:29:56] [SPEAKER_00]: If you think about it,

[00:29:58] [SPEAKER_00]: your problems are someone else's dream life.

[00:30:01] [SPEAKER_00]: If you live in the United States,

[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_00]: your problems are what somebody would aspire to

[00:30:06] [SPEAKER_00]: as the best life they ever could have.

[00:30:08] [SPEAKER_00]: You could have gratitude

[00:30:09] [SPEAKER_00]: for how amazing your opportunity is today.

[00:30:12] [SPEAKER_00]: From gratitude,

[00:30:13] [SPEAKER_00]: if we can get there,

[00:30:14] [SPEAKER_00]: we can start to then say,

[00:30:15] [SPEAKER_00]: well, I'm actually grateful

[00:30:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going through this divorce.

[00:30:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Like I'm grateful for it.

[00:30:20] [SPEAKER_00]: The marriage,

[00:30:21] [SPEAKER_00]: it wasn't what was right for me.

[00:30:23] [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't my highest and best future.

[00:30:25] [SPEAKER_01]: So you flip the script.

[00:30:27] [SPEAKER_00]: We flip the script

[00:30:28] [SPEAKER_00]: and we start to say,

[00:30:29] [SPEAKER_00]: you know what?

[00:30:30] [SPEAKER_00]: This is actually helping me grow

[00:30:32] [SPEAKER_00]: into a better version of myself.

[00:30:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Without this divorce,

[00:30:35] [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't have the opportunity

[00:30:36] [SPEAKER_00]: to go meet my dream person.

[00:30:39] [SPEAKER_00]: And they're out there.

[00:30:40] [SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm actually grateful

[00:30:41] [SPEAKER_00]: that that relationship ended

[00:30:42] [SPEAKER_00]: so I can go have the best life of my life.

[00:30:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And then once we get to gratitude,

[00:30:48] [SPEAKER_00]: then we can move into,

[00:30:50] [SPEAKER_00]: oh my God,

[00:30:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I actually love exactly where my reality is right now.

[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_00]: And then we're on fire

[00:30:56] [SPEAKER_00]: and we're joyful again.

[00:30:57] [SPEAKER_00]: Now that's just a progression

[00:30:59] [SPEAKER_00]: and it is a blueprint.

[00:31:01] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not saying it's easy.

[00:31:02] [SPEAKER_00]: It's not easy to follow.

[00:31:04] [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why sometimes we need a coach

[00:31:06] [SPEAKER_00]: and we need somebody

[00:31:07] [SPEAKER_00]: that can walk us through it

[00:31:08] [SPEAKER_00]: because our own beliefs are getting in the way.

[00:31:11] [SPEAKER_00]: But all of us have access to this blueprint.

[00:31:14] [SPEAKER_00]: All of us could follow it

[00:31:16] [SPEAKER_00]: and all of us could have absolute joy

[00:31:18] [SPEAKER_00]: and happiness even going through a hard divorce.

[00:31:21] What?

[00:31:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Well, Matt,

[00:31:23] [SPEAKER_01]: we could talk all freaking morning

[00:31:25] [SPEAKER_01]: but my man over 40

[00:31:27] [SPEAKER_01]: we have about a half hour

[00:31:29] [SPEAKER_01]: of students and staff.

[00:31:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I've learned that the hard way.

[00:31:34] [SPEAKER_01]: But we're gonna circle back, man.

[00:31:35] [SPEAKER_01]: We gotta do this again.

[00:31:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe a couple of times

[00:31:38] [SPEAKER_01]: because I think we just crashed the surface.

[00:31:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh man.

[00:31:40] [SPEAKER_01]: But that was-

[00:31:41] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just such an honor

[00:31:42] [SPEAKER_00]: to be here and talking with you, David.

[00:31:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that was interesting.

[00:31:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Very interesting

[00:31:48] [SPEAKER_01]: because I think we just crashed the beginning.

[00:31:50] [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, my men out there are struggling

[00:31:53] [SPEAKER_01]: and I try to convey to them

[00:31:55] [SPEAKER_01]: that there's hope.

[00:31:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Hope and happiness.

[00:31:57] [SPEAKER_01]: What's the dichotomy or relationship

[00:31:59] [SPEAKER_01]: with hope and happiness?

[00:32:00] [SPEAKER_01]: There we go.

[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_01]: That's a question.

[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_00]: About a thousand percent.

[00:32:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, actually that was one of the notes

[00:32:03] [SPEAKER_00]: I took that I wanted to share today.

[00:32:05] [SPEAKER_00]: Is that if you want a better present

[00:32:08] [SPEAKER_00]: get a bigger and better future.

[00:32:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Anytime we make our future

[00:32:15] [SPEAKER_00]: bigger and brighter and better

[00:32:16] [SPEAKER_00]: today gets better.

[00:32:19] [SPEAKER_00]: So that is hope.

[00:32:21] [SPEAKER_00]: When I have hope that tomorrow

[00:32:23] [SPEAKER_00]: is even better than it's ever been

[00:32:25] [SPEAKER_00]: today gets even better.

[00:32:27] [SPEAKER_00]: In the absence of hope though

[00:32:29] [SPEAKER_00]: we move into that emotion of hopelessness

[00:32:30] [SPEAKER_00]: that it'll never be as good.

[00:32:32] [SPEAKER_00]: And that's just, by the way

[00:32:34] [SPEAKER_00]: our future could be totally crap

[00:32:36] [SPEAKER_00]: if we choose to think it's going to be

[00:32:37] [SPEAKER_00]: or our future could be freaking awesome

[00:32:40] [SPEAKER_00]: if we choose to think it's going to be.

[00:32:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Either way we're going to create

[00:32:43] [SPEAKER_00]: what we believe.

[00:32:44] [SPEAKER_00]: So let's believe it's going to be awesome.

[00:32:47] Yeah.

[00:32:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Don't throw those notes away, Matt

[00:32:49] [SPEAKER_01]: because we're coming back.

[00:32:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I love it, David.

[00:32:52] [SPEAKER_01]: That was interesting.

[00:32:54] [SPEAKER_01]: The joy about podcasting

[00:32:56] [SPEAKER_01]: and first meeting somebody

[00:32:57] [SPEAKER_01]: you never know how it's going to turn out.

[00:33:00] [SPEAKER_01]: And most of the ones

[00:33:01] [SPEAKER_01]: I've only had a couple of duds

[00:33:03] [SPEAKER_01]: and man just trying to pull stuff

[00:33:04] [SPEAKER_01]: out of people, but that was interesting.

[00:33:06] [SPEAKER_01]: But most of the people I met like you

[00:33:08] [SPEAKER_01]: just you're so surprised

[00:33:11] [SPEAKER_01]: once you get into it

[00:33:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and then it becomes two friends having coffee

[00:33:15] [SPEAKER_01]: and then we're talking

[00:33:15] [SPEAKER_01]: and talking and talking.

[00:33:16] [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, we want to thank Matt

[00:33:19] [SPEAKER_01]: for hanging out with us

[00:33:20] [SPEAKER_01]: and we're definitely going to have him back

[00:33:22] [SPEAKER_01]: We wish good thoughts for all our men out there

[00:33:25] [SPEAKER_01]: over 42 divorce.

[00:33:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Like I said, we just scratched the surface here

[00:33:30] [SPEAKER_01]: so we definitely going to have Matt

[00:33:31] [SPEAKER_01]: come back for another 30 minutes session.

[00:33:34] [SPEAKER_00]: David, I appreciate that.

[00:33:35] [SPEAKER_00]: And if anyone is looking for one-on-one coaching

[00:33:39] [SPEAKER_00]: reach out.

[00:33:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Mattoneal.com is the spot you can reach me

[00:33:43] [SPEAKER_00]: and it would be my honor

[00:33:45] [SPEAKER_00]: to talk with you even if it's just

[00:33:47] [SPEAKER_00]: a 15, 20 minute talk

[00:33:48] [SPEAKER_00]: just about where you're at

[00:33:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and send you some positive vibes.

[00:33:52] [SPEAKER_01]: And we're going to have Matt's connections

[00:33:54] [SPEAKER_01]: at the bottom of the show notes

[00:33:55] [SPEAKER_01]: like we always do

[00:33:57] [SPEAKER_01]: and want to have everybody

[00:33:58] [SPEAKER_01]: have a good Labor Day

[00:33:59] [SPEAKER_01]: those that celebrate Labor Day

[00:34:01] [SPEAKER_01]: all that good stuff

[00:34:02] [SPEAKER_01]: and we hope Matt has a good party.

[00:34:07] [SPEAKER_01]: It's gonna be great.

[00:34:09] [SPEAKER_01]: We're gonna throw Matt some prayers.

[00:34:12] [SPEAKER_01]: All right, everybody have a good night.

[00:34:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Bye-bye.