Combating the emotional and mental toll of Divorce Recovery - Michelle Davies / Healer || DPTSP #075 || David M. Webb

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Don't Pick The Scab Podcast, a podcast that helps men over 40 with their divorce recovery by presenting guests with different and special superpowers. We try to find some of the out-of-the-box solutions to some of your problems. And today we definitely have out-of-the-box solution with Michelle. Welcome to the show, Michelle Davies. She's an international acclaimed healer that helps people transform their health and reclaim their vitality. She has helped people of all ages to reduce suffering and achieve self-healing through

[00:00:30] natural osteopathic and energy-based techniques. Welcome to the show, Michelle. Then tell us a little about yourself. And I got a couple of questions for you.

[00:00:50] Welcome to the Don't Pick The Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce. Thank you so much for inviting me. It's really good to be here. Thank you. Can you tell us a little bit about your background and what led you to write Mental Clarity?

[00:01:16] Yes. I have been in practice for 27 years. I've been practicing osteopathy. So I work in the natural healing spectrum of people improving their health, whether that's mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. And my work, a lot of it is hands-on. And I want to be able to help more people than can be under my hands.

[00:01:41] So I've written and published two books so that I can help to empower people so they don't have to come and visit me for treatment, but they can read the book and get self-help tips on my two books. And the latest book is Mental Clarity and its Daily Habits to Clear Brain Fog and Improve Focus. How does your experience over the 30 years in this field influence the advice and strategies that you have in your book?

[00:02:07] It's all of my work, I would say, within this book and my previous book, because I decided to go into osteopathy when I was 13. So my whole path has been about empowering people to self-heal and self-represent. So I was brought up by a mother who was a healer and she raised us, my brother and I, using natural methods.

[00:02:34] And I wanted to do something along the same lines, something in natural healing. And so I chose osteopathy. So for listeners who may not be familiar, can you explain what brain fog is and what it feels like to experience it? Yeah, sure. Brain fog is when it's like your brain is tired and you can't think straight and you can't make decisions and you procrastinate.

[00:03:01] And it's traumatic if you can't function at a high level that you're used to. And particularly then with anyone who's suffering from any form of trauma, it can either bring brain fog on or it can aggravate brain fog. So what are the most common causes besides trauma that can cause brain fog? Like what other things can cause it?

[00:03:28] So either problems with the gut or problems with the brain. So there is a direct axis between the brain and the gut. So it could be trauma to the gut as well as trauma to the head. But I also find a lot of problems with the brain come from our own birth and concussions, any bangs to the head. And this can influence then how the brain functions. And that can give rise to brain fog.

[00:03:57] Not being able to make decisions, which is very difficult for people who are going through something traumatic and actually needing to make decisions. They've got brain fog. It makes it even harder. So I would say to be looking at the gut as well as the brain. So they're all related. Yes. Wow. So, yeah, we have to focus a lot of our energy on healing the gut.

[00:04:21] Things like not eating processed foods and reducing or not drinking any alcohol, which again, that's really difficult because a lot of people tend to turn to alcohol as a stress relief. Potentially, then that's aggravating the gut, which then aggravates the brain and can cause brain fog and then affects that person's decision making.

[00:04:45] Well, how does stress like the stress of a divorce impact mental clarity and contribute to brain fog? Because the connection between the brain and the gut is via the vagus nerve. You've got two axes. So you've got the HPA axis, which is the hypothalamus pituitary adrenal axis. And then you've got the gut brain axis. And stress affects those axes between the gut and the brain.

[00:05:15] And so if we reduce, we need to reduce the stress on the system so that we can think better and digest better. Stress plays havoc with that connection between the two. Wow. Are there any misconceptions or myths about brain fog that you like to debunk? Some untruth? I don't think people realize that brain fog is a precursor to further problems.

[00:05:43] I think it should be taken seriously because if you're struggling already with brain fog, then the potential for you to be developing other neurological problems, such as dementia or Parkinson's, then it's better to take any symptom that you have seriously because any symptom that you have is a warning sign that something isn't right. So brain fog is a symptom of some dysfunction.

[00:06:14] Divorce can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. In your opinion, why are men recovering from divorce particularly vulnerable to brain fog? I think we are. So speaking from experience as well, because I have been through a divorce, and so I can speak from the perspective of going through that as well as a health professional, it would affect everybody in the same way whether you're male or female. It's so stressful on every single cell of the body,

[00:06:44] and every cell of the body is connected, and every single one of us is connected. And there is this effect on each other as well as ourselves. How does mental clarity play a role in helping men rebuild their lives after divorce? Because if you can think better, your decisions are better, and you can help build the relationship back with your partner and maybe your children

[00:07:12] if they've also been influenced this way. You emphasize daily habits for improving focus and clarity. Can you share three simple habits men can start today to feel more mentally clear? Yeah, first one would be drinking lots of water, preferably distilled water or spring water. So I think that's the easiest daily habit.

[00:07:38] The other habit would be to prioritize sleep. So preferably going to bed by half past 10. And I would say eating anti-inflammatory foods, such as turmeric with black pepper, and berries, walnuts. Maybe probiotic for the gut or prebiotics for the gut.

[00:08:03] So I would say nutrition, water, sleep, avoiding alcohol. There you go. And you jumped on nutrition. So nutrition plays a key role in brain health. What foods or types of diets can help combat brain fog? So like three, these sorts of like fish, mackerel, even tinned mackerel. This is really good.

[00:08:32] Green leafy vegetables and berries and reducing processed foods. And then you were talking about hydration. Is it like keep your cells hydrated and they work better or how does that work? Yeah, we are between 70 and 80% water. So every single cell in the body needs water. And we can be intrigued just because we're dehydrated.

[00:09:00] So increasing your water intake increases your clarity. And then you were talking about going to bed before 10. What other ways can we improve our sleep quality, especially for men over 40? Because that's what I suck at. I suck at sleep quality. Yeah, and it's when you sleep, that's the time when your brain recovers and it detoxes.

[00:09:26] And it only detoxes once you've been asleep for between three and four hours. So it's really important that people focus on their sleep. Sleeping on your side helps with the brain detoxing. And also you want to prepare for sleep. So avoiding alcohol and caffeine. And I'd avoid both of those things afternoon and evening.

[00:09:49] They say that there's a percentage of caffeine or alcohol that would stay in the brain 12 hours later after you drank it. I think it's 25%. So being mindful of what you're eating and drinking, caffeine related or alcohol. And then being in a really darkened room so that no lights can come in. It being quiet. Turning off electric, sorry, not electric, but I mean like your phone or your iPad. Turning that off like an hour before.

[00:10:19] And being in bed ready to go to sleep. So like being in bed ready at 10, which means maybe turning off your telephone and your iPad at 9 p.m. Can regular exercise help improve mental clarity? Oh, sorry? Can exercise, regular exercise help improve mental clarity? Yes. Yes. That's another part of the book is talking about exercise. Any exercise, actually, aerobic exercise or weights.

[00:10:52] Something like rebounding, like on a trampoline. This is really good for the lymphatic drainage, which improves with detoxing the body. So that's a good one. Bouncing on a rebounder for 10 minutes a day. Any high intensity exercise is going to be really effective. Wow. Divorce often brings emotional overwhelm and wellness. How can mindfulness and meditation help men regain focus and emotional balance?

[00:11:21] And back up on that question. What the heck is mindfulness? Everybody has a different definition. So mindfulness for me is being still within the mind and focusing on being present in the moment. So I would say to my patients, be in the moment and try and use your senses. So if you think about what can you smell? What can you see? What can you feel?

[00:11:50] And what can you hear? If you focus on that, that is a mindfulness state. And also if you can focus on gratitude, that's also a way of being mindful. So thinking of the things that you're grateful for, using the words, thank you, and repeating those words, thank you, or repeating the words, I love you. Because this also creates this relaxed state. It's to do with the vagus nerve.

[00:12:20] So the vagus nerve exits the top of the neck, where the neck meets the skull. And it's through the vagus nerve then that we can relax the body and reduce the stress hormone, which is cortisol. And this is what you will stimulate when you're mindful. Also with deep breathing, when we breathe from our diaphragm, this enables us to stimulate the vagus nerve, which reduces the cortisol, which is the stress hormone.

[00:12:46] Which is also then responsible for the brain fog. What is AO scan technology? Now we're getting to the crux of it. And how can you work to address cognitive health and brain fog? So AO scan technology is biofrequency music. And it actually comes from America. The founder is in the States. And it uses quantum physics.

[00:13:14] So I can use this remotely with people. And if men are struggling to go through that process of divorce and they're needing some form of coping strategy to reduce anxiety or to improve sleep and improve mood, the biofrequency music frequency can actually help this or stimulate this within the body,

[00:13:37] that the body can actually find that relaxation, balance and harmony using this technology, which is based on the quantum physics, which is where quantum physics is the study of energy and how everything is connected. So an example of this, there was a study where there was a husband and wife.

[00:13:59] They were in separate rooms within a building, in soundproof rooms, and they were not able to communicate with each other. They were wired up. Their brains could be analyzed. The woman had cancer. And the wife was asked to send thoughts of compassion to his wife.

[00:14:21] When he sent the thoughts of compassion to her, the area of compassion lit up in her brain, even though they were connected. So for this is also useful when I speak to couples or anyone really who's going through something traumatic in a relationship. If you want to achieve something with that person, then you need to project it. You need to feel it and think it.

[00:14:47] So if you're wanting to resolve something with someone, focus on that feeling, because it's very likely that the other person will feel that. Not necessarily will they register that, but it will be received by that person. So that's one way of helping to explain the biofrequency and how it actually works. It's through using the voice.

[00:15:14] So the person provides me with 10 or 15 seconds of their voice recording, combined with their height, their weight, a photograph. And then the technology uses this to analyze 12 frequencies within the voice. And it pulls out the four notes, which are either underproducing sound or overproducing sound. And then it creates notes, sounds to be able to alter those four to create more of a balanced harmony.

[00:15:44] It's useful to understand also your emotional state, because when your voice is analyzed, it also gives you an emotional rapport with that. So then you gain some insights, perhaps, as to maybe why you're feeling the way you're feeling. It's because of what you're projecting through your voice. So it gives you a baseline, and then it goes from there. Yes. And it involves listening to music for approximately 12 minutes a day, and you could repeat that three times.

[00:16:13] I have patients that will use it when they're struggling with anxiety or when they're struggling to sleep. And it's like a tool in their pocket, because it's accessible by their phone. So they can just put the headphones in, listen, and then it can change the state, the emotional state that they're in. I've had some really impressive results from it. The most impressive was a lady in hospital who had had a stroke, and she was given 72 hours to live.

[00:16:41] And if she lived, if she survived the bleed in her head, then she would be unable to walk or talk, and she would be unable to function. And she used the biofrequency every day because the daughter went to visit. She put the headphones in her mom's ears. She was non-responsive at the beginning. 111 days later, the lady walked out of hospital. Wow, that's a great story.

[00:17:11] I have to come clean. We have a four-year-old dog that will be four tomorrow, and her name is Quantum. That's very on point. That is interesting. What's amazing. I love that. What are the odds? Many divorced men find it hard to focus at work due to brain fog.

[00:17:37] What steps can they take to boost productivity and mental clarity during the workday? First of all, drink the glass of water. And then secondly, remembering the posture. So I help people set up their workplace. Someone takes photographs of them. They send me the photographs.

[00:18:00] Then I can analyze their posture and then make changes because your posture dictates your energy. So if you sit slumped because you're looking for a laptop instead of actually a desktop, that can affect your energy. So we want our screen to be at eyebrow level and our keyboard to be at a right angle, our elbow to be at a right angle for our keyboard.

[00:18:25] So the screen and the keyboard needs to be separate and also needs to be straight in front of you as opposed to off to the side. It's really important that your workplace is set up for you to be productive at work because it's dependent on your clarity of thinking as well as your energy. And it's important to know if you're using more than one screen, how to position those screens as well.

[00:18:51] Because you could be aggravating your vagus nerve in your neck if you're sitting facing one screen all day long, looking at a screen to the right, for example. That perhaps is going to stretch your vagus nerve and then it's going to affect your stress response. And then remembering to do deep breathing at work as well. So you could maybe just stop in your workday and focus on your breath. There's a breathing app that you can download, which is like box breathing.

[00:19:21] And it's 4-4-4-4, which means that you can breathe in for a count of four seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds and hold for four seconds. And repeat that cycle for five minutes. And by law, employees are allowed five minutes in every hour. So you could actually do that breathing technique at work. Okay. Wow.

[00:19:49] How can men balance recovery after divorce with maintaining a productive work life when their mental clarity is affected? I mean, when it's crap. Say that again. What was the beginning bit? How can men balance recovery after divorce with maintaining a productive work life when their mental clarity is affected at work? I think it comes down to, again, addressing any symptom that you're getting.

[00:20:18] You need to address it and take it seriously. Take responsibility and own it. And then if you, whatever symptom that is, there's going to be a reason for it and address that. And then the recovery will come. It could be addressing headaches or migraines. If listeners could take away three pieces of advice, three top things, what would you want to tell them in their divorce recovery? I know we went over quite a few things.

[00:20:46] What are the most three things that you think that are most important? I would say, which we haven't touched on, is the forgiveness aspect and taking responsibility for your part to play in that and doing whatever you can to bring about that forgiveness and acceptance and to try to project what it is that you want

[00:21:15] and try to achieve that by focusing on that. So if you want forgiveness, love and compassion, then to focus your energy on that and use maybe affirmations, declarations to be able to help because your thoughts becomes your actions and your actions become your habits. So it first starts with thinking in the right way. So trying not to think hatred because it creates destruction.

[00:21:45] So trying to focus on love, gratitude and kindness and you will get back what you put out. Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do, an act of kindness for someone that you're not liking and not enjoying being with. But if you can think of something kind that you can either say or think or do, then that helps in the recovery. We didn't talk about self-care. That's one of my biggies that men have a hard time with.

[00:22:15] And I always tell them, you know, when the plane's going down, you put your oxygen mask on first because if you don't, you save your kids first. You're screwed. Speak to that for me. No, I agree. And it's what I say to my patients as well. Well, you must put yourself first because how can you look after anybody else if you don't look after yourself? People around you will heal if you focus on your own healing first.

[00:22:42] And there is a significant prayer, you could say, which is a Hawaiian prayer, which is very effective at helping other people around you to heal as well as yourself. So you could use that and take responsibility for the other people around you to heal, which could be your children who are involved in this separation and divorce. The prayer is very simple. That's why I also like it. It's, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

[00:23:12] Just repeating those four statements over and over again. Then that helps to build you up and it helps to heal the people around you. It's a prayer that's used all over the world. It's Ho'opona Opo. It's a Hawaiian prayer. And millions of people have been helped by it. Wow, something simple. So before I let you go, I got one more subject. Co-parenting. Men suck at co-parenting. I sucked at co-parenting. I did 50-50,

[00:23:42] change on Sunday, week on, week off. And I had to figure out finally that I had to love my kids more than I hated my ex. And it took forever to get to that point. But how can you help my men out there grab that little sooner and don't fall into the trap I did? So I've had an amicable divorce. I've been divorced for perhaps 10 years. And I think both of us, we've got a good relationship or we've worked on the relationship

[00:24:12] over the last 10 years. And we've always focused on the children first, apart from obviously looking after yourself. I mean, focus of what is going to make our children happier. And I needed communication with my ex-husband to understand what was happening in the children's lives. So no matter how difficult it was at the time, I would think about children's needs

[00:24:41] and address that first, which actually then helped my ex-husband and myself reconnect because we had to keep the communication going because we wanted to know what was happening with the children. Correct. So, yeah. I think we lost that question. What was the question? Co-parents are... It is basically, you know, I tell my guys

[00:25:09] and my guys really struggle with not being able to control what happens at the ex's house. And you gotta let that go, man. There's stuff you can't control. Why waste your energy and thoughts on that? What do you think about that? Yeah, I agree. I think you have to just change yourself and everything else around you will change if you focus on yourself, build yourself up, heal yourself

[00:25:37] and then everybody around you will start to change because we're all connected by energy as I was saying before. So I would say you have to work on yourself because you can't change what happens in the other person's household. And there'll be a lot that you don't agree with and you have to accept and working on acceptance and therefore it's like working on forgiveness. So I'm 10 years down the line and I had my ex-husband come over for coffee

[00:26:07] and donuts before Christmas with his partner and their child. because we've worked on the relationship after divorce over the last 10 years and it's probably because of the children that we've been able to do that to happen. So we would spend Christmases together, Easter together, birthdays together. Even though we were going through such difficulties ourselves, we put that to the side and focused on the needs of the children first.

[00:26:38] You are definitely a unicorn because most of my people, you're probably the only one so far. Well, there's a couple of you guys out there that could do that with the kids and parties. I did separate parties, separate graduation parties, separate 16th birthday parties. And I look back and I could have done better, but my kids are now 28, 30 and 31 and they survived and I'm glad it's over.

[00:27:06] But I want to tell people out there, man, you have to love your kids more than hate your ex and you have to swallow a lot of pride and a lot of angst just to get through it. And you will get through it because you're there for the kids. Yes. So, all right, Michelle, my men have a half hour attention span. So I really appreciate you. That was fun. That was fun. And I'll tell Quattam that you said hi, but she's in the other room

[00:27:36] because I'm at the office because my studio is here. But where can the people find you on the internet? Well, I have a gift to your listeners. All right. A free copy, a PDF copy of the book, Mental Clarity. So they can use that free gift. I send you a link and they can then access that. And there are lots of daily habits that they could follow that and feel much better and have better clarity and be able to make decisions better

[00:28:06] and have good recovery from whatever it is that they are experiencing. So I have that to offer. And where can they find you? So I would say Worcester-osteo.com Okay. And findmentalclarity.com All right. We will have all those at the bottom of the show notes, including the free gift. But we appreciate your time. I'm struggling for a title with this one.

[00:28:35] I'm struggling with the title. Should be interesting. I'm not going to let you down, Michelle. I'm going to have a catchy title because we've talked about quite a few things. And I appreciate your time. But thanks, everybody, for listening. Thank you. Thank you.