30-second At a Time Transformation of Divorce Recovery - Jeff Luther || DPTSP #073 || David

[00:00:00] Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast, the podcast that seeks out out-of-the-box solutions for my men over 40 recovering from divorce. And man, I have a doozy today. Welcome Jeff Luther. Jeff had a life-changing event in a CrossFit gym by experiencing sudden cardiac death in front of his son during a workout.

[00:00:32] Welcome to the Don't Pick the Scab Podcast with the premise of connecting men over 40 with the tools and community to thrive in their divorce recovery either before, during or after a divorce.

[00:00:46] So tell us a little bit about yourself, Jeff, and we've got some questions for you.

[00:00:50] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: All right, man. Hey, thank you for giving me a platform to tell my story. I know this isn't easy to do putting these things together, so I want to make sure that I'm grateful.

[00:00:59] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So I'll tell you a little bit. I'm going to give like a minute that helps build my ego. Okay. Just to give your audience a little idea about me. June 5th of 2021, I ran. I'm a reformed ultra runner. That's what I tell folks. I'm a CrossFitter reformed ultra runner. I'm very athletic. June 5th, 2021, I ran an ultra. It was my first overnight race. It was a 50 K and I came in second place. All right. So I'm a fit dude. June the 12th.

[00:01:24] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So I always say that to build my ego. I don't want people to think, oh, this dude just had a heart attack because he's out of shape. So June the 12th, I was in a CrossFit gym. I was doing a workout. It was a partner workout for your audience that knows about that. A partner workout. When you have a partner, you're working really close with it. You count each other's reps. You're really close.

[00:01:42] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: My partner was my 16-year-old son. I went into atrial fibrillation. I'm sorry, ventricular fibrillation where the ventricle just spasms. It doesn't expand and contract like a normal heart.

[00:02:00] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So my heart was like 390 beats a minute and my heart just stopped working and I collapsed. I did it in front of my son. I was out for approximately eight minutes. I was shocked with an AED at least two times. My son says three and I was dead. I had no pulse, no breath. The first time that defibrillator shocked me, it's an audible flatline that my son heard. It was crazy.

[00:02:26] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Then I woke up. Somebody walked up and turned the lights out and somebody walked up and turned them on. The last thing, without going into all the details, the last thing I remember as I'm laying down, I kept getting closer and closer to the ground and finally I was like, oh my God, I have to lay down.

[00:02:41] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So as I'm laying down, the last thing I saw was my son's shoes on the gym floor walking towards me and I knew that I had to get up. And it wasn't like those action movies where you see the guy that struggles and gets up and moves. I knew that I had to get up, but it was like I had no hydraulic fluid. Nothing would happen. And that was the last thing I remember. And I was out.

[00:03:08] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Wow. How did your diagnosis of degenerate heart disease impact your identity as an athlete and a father?

[00:03:15] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Oh man, David, it took me to a really dark place really fast. I was in the throes of getting separated. In the throes of divorce, in my mind at the time, it was just a separation because I was going to fix all of it. I was processing through exercise. I have three boys who are now

[00:03:37] 15, 17 and 19. That's how I connected with my boys was through exercise. I had my identity wrapped up in my mile times. I had my identity wrapped up in the distance races I could do.

[00:03:48] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: And when I got my diagnosis, I was diagnosed with ARVC, arrhythmogenic ventricular cardiomyopathy. And the condition worsens through exercise. So when I got my diagnosis, they said, man, you'll never exercise the way that you're used to exercising. It will kill you. Then the worst part of that became having the defibrillator and then bringing me back to life. That was the worst part for me.

[00:04:18] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: I wish that never would have happened.

[00:04:20] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: How so?

[00:04:22] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Because I didn't want to be alive. And that was the thing that brought me back to life. I was like, I would have been better off if this just would have ended.

[00:04:34] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Feeling bitterness and anger after your diagnosis? How did you navigate through those emotions?

[00:04:39] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So I'm going to speak negatively. I'm going to go to a negative place for a minute, but we're not going to stay there.

[00:04:47] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: I think it's important though, to convey this emotion. When I finally started getting my feet under me, I was figuring out what was happening. I would tell my story. And just like your audience now, people are like, oh my gosh, that guy's so lucky to have that defibrillator there. That guy's so lucky he gets a second chance in life. That guy's so lucky that he gets to see his kids again. All of that was lost on me. I was so bitter. I was so angry.

[00:05:14] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: I put myself in such a victim mentality of what had just happened to me. Are you kidding? This happened. I did everything right. I did everything right. I exercised. I took care of my body. I ate right. I didn't drink. I did everything right. And this still happened.

[00:05:29] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So then I became bitter. And one day someone said, you must be so grateful. I was like, no, I'm too busy being angry to be grateful. And then that sent me into depression where I was like, wow, I must be a real piece of crap. If I can't be grateful for a second chance at life, then I must be a really horrible person. And that took me even deeper.

[00:05:58] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: And then I realized I would share my story. And David, people don't care what happened to you. They don't. And I don't mean that to be terse, but they can't get where you are emotionally. There's just no way they can't feel. So they don't care what happens to you necessarily, but people do care how you respond.

[00:06:21] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: And then I realized, wow. Okay. The way I've responded to this is not how I would want my kids to respond. And then I realized I had three really important people watching me and I needed to change my response. My response had to be different.

[00:06:37] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Your wife filed for divorce shortly after your diagnosis. How did you cope with both the heart condition and the divorce simultaneously? That's like a double whammy.

[00:06:46] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: It was such a double whammy. I'll tell you this, a piece of that, I don't know if we discussed, she had asked me to leave. So I had left our marital home when all this happened. So then after it happened, she came to see me in the hospital and she said, oh my gosh, I can't believe I did this. And I want you to come back and I want to patch our marriage back. I want to make this work. And then the same thing, like a month and a half later, she said, ah, nevermind.

[00:07:13] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So that was just a, it was, it was so hard to process. And I remember waking up, I would wake up every day and the best two seconds of my day was when I would first wake up and I would forget what had happened. And then I would hit.

[00:07:34] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: The first sleep every morning.

[00:07:35] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Yeah. And then I was like, all right, it was my reality. I'm in this, I'm in this one bedroom apartment with, with an air mattress and one TV and a camping chair. And that's my reality. And I would go to that dark place every day. And one day I said, all right, but yesterday was pretty bad. Today's going to be better. I don't know how, but today's going to be better. I'm going to hang on to those two seconds. And that's really what I tried to do.

[00:08:05] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Hang on to those two seconds. Turn those two seconds into three, turn that three into six, turn that six into 10 because my kids were watching. How is it going to respond to all this? And that's really what I had to do. I had to have the discipline to know that those two seconds existed. How could I stretch them out?

[00:08:23] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So those two seconds is like a turning point.

[00:08:26] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

[00:08:29] That's like a springboard.

[00:08:30] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Like a springboard. Yeah. Yeah. I'd never really thought about it like that, but it was my, it was like my, yeah, it was like my lifeline grabbing those two seconds. You're hanging on to those two seconds. And then once they're out of your hand, then you're back in this dark place. But if I could stretch those two seconds out during the day, then the day started to get a little bit better. I started to see some glimmer of hope. I knew it was there. I couldn't feel, I could feel the, the two seconds of happiness or ignorance or whatever you want to call it.

[00:09:00] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: But I knew that that was there. And then that feeling of despair would rush in.

[00:09:05] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: What else did you do besides two seconds? What other methods or modalities, what did you practice? What are the other parts of the puzzle?

[00:09:16] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: Oh man, I got to where I wanted to fall in love with my days. And that sounds crazy, but I got to where I wanted to fall in love with the day. I wanted to fall in love with the day early. So I would get up earlier and earlier every day.

[00:09:29] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: So I could hit the day with the things that I wanted. I would read, I would get up early, I would meditate, I would just sit. And then I was walking on the beach one day and I was still struggling with what had happened to me. And I'm walking along the beach, man, God, this sucks. But how do I find gratitude? Like, how can I find gratitude in what happened to me?

[00:09:51] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: And my mind just was wandering around and I was like, at least I'm not allergic to shellfish. I was just trying to find something. I had a neighbor that we would go catch shrimp and he was like, yeah, I can't eat any of them because I'm allergic to shellfish. Damn, man, you're helping me catch all these shrimp. You can't eat them. So I was like, all right, I'm not allergic to shellfish. That's a good thing.

[00:10:08] Jeff Luther King, Jr.: And I started thinking, I was like, some people are allergic to shellfish. Some people aren't. Okay. Maybe my body will react differently to this disease I've been diagnosed with. Hmm. Maybe I can exercise. So then I started thinking, all right, what does that look like? I started doing research, studying the disease, studying the diagnosis, talking to doctors. And I was like, okay, what are the things that I can do instead of what I can't?

[00:10:35] What are the things that I can do? And I learned that I could do some weightlifting, some resistance training. So I found a coach at my gym where it happened and I laid everything out and ketocolamines are bad for me. So anything that you get from exercise, endorphins, adrenaline, all of the myotransmitters that go through your heart when you're exercising, those are bad for my heart. So I was like, all right, here's the things that I can do.

[00:11:03] Here's the environment I need to do it in. Can you meet me after hours, set up some training and coach me, stay with me so I can do the workout. And then we'll figure it out and just go from there. And he's like, yeah, absolutely. So I went to the gym. I got the coach. We wrote out a workout, go to the gym.

[00:11:22] And one piece I left out is right after my diagnosis, I had a defibrillator implanted in my body. So I had surgery. I had to wait 30 days. After that 30 days was up, I went straight back to the gym. What any smart male athlete would do, right? Just go to the gym and work out.

[00:11:39] And David, it happened again. And I was with my son when it happened the second time. That's when I knew that it was real. So that was probably the worst part of the whole thing. So I'd waited about another 60 days. I hired a coach. We found out what I could do. I go to the gym. I start warming up and I was like, oh man, I can feel it. I just, I feel it coming. And it was all mental. It was all mental at the time.

[00:12:05] I got warm. He was like, all right, we're going to start out with kettlebell swings. I think I had to do 15 kettlebell swings and drop and wait, whatever the time was, and then go on to the next movement.

[00:12:16] Well, I started doing the kettlebell swings. I did, I would say five or six. And my heart rate got up. I dropped the kettlebell and I'm crying just to be totally transparent. I'm bawling, crying, like snot coming out of my nose. And I said, I quit. I'm done. I'm not doing it. He said, all right, man, I get it.

[00:12:35] You quit. Just give me 30 seconds. So we end on a win. I said, no, I'm not. You don't understand. I quit. And David, in that moment, I was resigned to the fact that I just became a quitter.

[00:12:48] I truly quit. I was done. And he said, all right, I get it. You quit. We're done. But just give me 30 seconds so that we can end on a win.

[00:12:59] And I want to ask you for anything else. Just 30 seconds of work. And I yelled that back and forth.

[00:13:04] There was some cuss words in there and I'm crying and all this stuff. And I was like, all right, fine. I'll do it.

[00:13:09] I picked up the kettlebell and I did 30 seconds of kettlebell swings. I sat it down. He said, that's amazing. You did it. We're done.

[00:13:16] So I stood there for a minute. I said, all right, man, I think I can do another 30 seconds.

[00:13:24] He said, all right, at your leisure. Just whenever you feel like it, pick it up.

[00:13:29] So a few seconds later, I picked it up. I did 30 more seconds of work and I sat it down. He said, how do you feel?

[00:13:35] So I think I can do it again. He said, all right, let's do this.

[00:13:37] Just give me 30 seconds of work and 30 seconds of rest and we'll just see what we can do.

[00:13:42] And David, I did the whole workout. I did 30 seconds on and 30 seconds off. And that third time I picked up that kettlebell, it snapped.

[00:13:50] It's like, all right, I have it back. I have it back. I can work with this thing and not against it.

[00:13:56] I can just do 30 seconds at a time. I have a sign that someone made for me.

[00:14:02] Hey, or I say a sign piece of artwork. Someone made for me is hanging up in my kitchen that says 30 seconds.

[00:14:06] Don't get shocked. So that's it.

[00:14:09] I just took 30 seconds at a time and that 30 seconds made the biggest change in my life.

[00:14:17] It was amazing.

[00:14:21] Wow. So it's almost like a bell curve.

[00:14:23] 30 seconds, 30 seconds.

[00:14:26] Yeah.

[00:14:26] 30 seconds, 30 seconds.

[00:14:28] Cool.

[00:14:29] Yeah. And the 30 seconds on where I would do 30 seconds of work.

[00:14:36] The 30 seconds off was almost as good because at 30 seconds off, then I could celebrate my win because every 30 seconds was a win and I could stand there for 30 seconds and celebrate my win.

[00:14:48] So how does 30 seconds translate into self-care?

[00:14:52] A lot of guys after a big event don't take care of themselves, you know, divorce, whatever.

[00:14:58] How can you impart that strategy for self-care?

[00:15:02] And we're not just talking getting your nails done and all that crap.

[00:15:05] We're talking actually taking care of yourself.

[00:15:08] Yeah. And taking care of yourself to me.

[00:15:12] And I think it's going to be different for everyone, but taking care of yourself to me means starting inside.

[00:15:18] And what I do now, like I told you when we were starting this podcast, I tell myself how good my life is.

[00:15:23] And one of the things that I hope I never forget is what my world looked like after those two seconds.

[00:15:32] I'd wake up two seconds of bliss and then my world would collapse.

[00:15:35] So I hope I never forget that.

[00:15:36] Because if I can always have that, then I know how good things are now.

[00:15:40] So to me, self-care starts within.

[00:15:43] So if I can take 30 seconds, if I take 30 seconds and just appreciate my kids, 30 seconds of gratitude, 30 seconds really of telling myself how good my life is.

[00:15:56] That's how it relates to me.

[00:15:57] I stop and I take 30 seconds and I look at my accomplishments.

[00:16:01] If I'm feeling like I'm not succeeding as a business owner, if I feel like I'm not succeeding as a father, I have the discipline now where I say, all right, 30 seconds.

[00:16:13] Let's take 30 seconds.

[00:16:13] What have you accomplished as a father?

[00:16:15] What have you done?

[00:16:16] You just did a competition with the kid that watched you die.

[00:16:19] That's a pretty big accomplishment.

[00:16:21] Pat yourself on the back.

[00:16:23] 30 seconds.

[00:16:24] Let's go to co-parenting.

[00:16:26] That's one of my favorite subjects.

[00:16:28] I got the smile, baby.

[00:16:31] Oh.

[00:16:32] Beginning of co-parenting, I suck.

[00:16:34] Yeah.

[00:16:35] But I figured out that and someone told me that you have to love your kids more than you hate your ex.

[00:16:43] Yeah.

[00:16:44] And that was my go-to.

[00:16:45] So let's talk about co-parenting.

[00:16:47] Let's.

[00:16:48] So much like you, mine is what's the goal?

[00:16:52] What's the goal?

[00:16:53] So for me, the goal is happy kids.

[00:16:57] That's the goal.

[00:16:58] And if I can always go back to what's the goal and I compare that to my running, I compare that to a former life of cycling.

[00:17:07] I compare that to my CrossFit.

[00:17:09] I compare that to my business.

[00:17:10] What is the goal?

[00:17:11] If your goal is to run a sub eight mile for 10 miles, does walking help you get there?

[00:17:20] If the goal is to snatch your body weight, does burpees help you get there?

[00:17:26] And those things that don't help you reach that goal, they need to go away.

[00:17:31] So that's where I go.

[00:17:32] What's the goal?

[00:17:33] The goal is happy kids.

[00:17:34] Does arguing with a co-parent over 30 minutes of time out of a week, does that help you get to the goal?

[00:17:44] Oh, yeah.

[00:17:46] A few minutes ago.

[00:17:47] Oh, my God.

[00:17:49] Take us right.

[00:17:50] So we were co-parenting and my kids are now they're 31, 30 and 28.

[00:17:56] So they were like smushed in back in high school and junior high.

[00:17:59] So my daughter was in college and my two boys were at home in high school.

[00:18:03] And so one of the first times we did 50-50.

[00:18:06] So they're with me for a week.

[00:18:08] And it worked out good.

[00:18:10] And so it was one time I was taking them back to their place, changed on Sunday.

[00:18:15] And they had this thick black trash bag.

[00:18:18] And they were trying to stuff it in the car and not let me see.

[00:18:21] I said, guys, what is that?

[00:18:22] And so I opened it up and it's 30 rolls of toilet paper.

[00:18:27] And they go, mom says, we can just take it.

[00:18:29] I said, wait a minute, guys.

[00:18:30] Okay.

[00:18:31] These are two separate households.

[00:18:33] So it was a thing.

[00:18:34] It was a learning experience for them and a learning experience for me.

[00:18:37] That mommy's house is mom's house, dad's house is that house.

[00:18:40] So I had to talk to her about that and get that straightened out.

[00:18:43] But yeah, there were all of those growing pains with co-parenting, man.

[00:18:48] I hated it, but I loved it.

[00:18:51] But the one thing that really was so ironic is when I had them for a week, I couldn't wait for those little suckers to leave.

[00:19:01] Yeah, it's like when they're toddlers, right?

[00:19:03] You can't wait for them to go to bed and you can't wait for them to wake up.

[00:19:06] You're a single parent for a week and they leave.

[00:19:09] It's like, oh my God, I can breathe.

[00:19:11] But I look back on it now and a lot of dads tell me that they went through that too, that they were on and on for seven days.

[00:19:18] And man, you've got to relax.

[00:19:20] A single parent is tough.

[00:19:21] Dude, yeah, there's a special at the end of this line, whatever you think that line might be, there's a special place for single parents.

[00:19:29] That's for sure.

[00:19:31] Yeah, man.

[00:19:32] And one thing that I learned with all of this is give yourself the grace you would give a friend.

[00:19:41] And a lot of parents get to that Saturday.

[00:19:45] I'm 50-50 and our switch day is Monday.

[00:19:49] So come Sunday, Monday, dude, you're ready.

[00:19:52] And a lot of parents get to the end and they won't acknowledge it.

[00:19:58] They're like, oh no, I would keep my kids forever.

[00:20:00] I'm like, yeah, that's right.

[00:20:02] I love you.

[00:20:03] Go away.

[00:20:04] Go away.

[00:20:05] Yeah, man.

[00:20:06] And give yourself grace, man.

[00:20:07] It's okay to be tired.

[00:20:09] It's not okay to quit, but it's okay to be tired.

[00:20:12] It's okay to rest.

[00:20:13] One of my other podcasters, he equipped it to the stance of Jack in the Box.

[00:20:17] The Jack in the Box is out for the whole week and all of a sudden they leave and you slub it down and close to the lid.

[00:20:25] You're on, you're off.

[00:20:26] Oh, yeah.

[00:20:27] So being a parent is very interesting.

[00:20:29] What are some of the most valuable lessons you've learned about empathy and kindness during your recovery to yourself and to others?

[00:20:36] Empathy.

[00:20:37] Empathy.

[00:20:38] Empathy was hard.

[00:20:39] One thing that I learned in this whole thing is, and I have it written on a note card, they're hurting too.

[00:20:48] They're hurting too, no matter who they might be.

[00:20:50] Everybody's got their shit they're dragging around and they're hurting too.

[00:20:55] So that helps me with empathy.

[00:20:58] When my divorce was first starting to unfold, it sounds so immature saying this, but I would look at couples walking on the sidewalk holding hands and I had contentment for those people.

[00:21:12] I was like, how dare you walk in front of me holding hands and smiling?

[00:21:15] Do you know the pain I'm going through?

[00:21:18] And everybody's hurting.

[00:21:20] And that was just, that was my selfish way of trying to process the best I knew how.

[00:21:25] And I learned that everybody's hurting and that, that helps me.

[00:21:29] It even helps me with my ex-wife or my kid's mother.

[00:21:32] She's hurting too, although she might not have admitted it at times.

[00:21:37] It wasn't easy for her.

[00:21:39] I'm not the only one that's hurting.

[00:21:41] So that's how I find empathy.

[00:21:44] Oh boy.

[00:21:45] I can.

[00:21:47] When some of your listeners might identify with this, but when this all first started, I had shame that I couldn't keep a marriage together.

[00:21:54] Shame that I couldn't keep a family together.

[00:21:57] Shame that my wife was divorcing me.

[00:22:00] So there was shame that I wasn't enough.

[00:22:02] It was all these things.

[00:22:03] And so I was too proud.

[00:22:06] And I'm not bragging about that.

[00:22:08] I was too proud to get help.

[00:22:09] And I learned that the more I isolated, the easier it was to isolate.

[00:22:15] Until finally, I went to a divorce group.

[00:22:19] I was like, let me just go listen to other people.

[00:22:22] Maybe I can help someone else.

[00:22:23] And that's when I started to realize how important community is, how important it is to share, how important it is to listen to other people.

[00:22:31] When you listen to other people that are, quote, suffering the same, you learn you're not alone.

[00:22:37] And dude, that loneliness, man, that loneliness was hard.

[00:22:41] And when you learn you're not alone, then you learn there's hope.

[00:22:45] And then you see people that are at different stages.

[00:22:47] And then you say, okay, I'm at like the ninth level of hell.

[00:22:53] And you see these folks that are in purgatory or whatever you want to call it that are doing okay.

[00:22:58] Okay, there's hope.

[00:22:59] And then they say, hey, I was where you are.

[00:23:01] Give yourself time.

[00:23:03] Time is your friend.

[00:23:03] And so then you start to see some hope and you start to understand that things will improve.

[00:23:11] So I used to look at resilience as being tough, just being tough, period.

[00:23:17] When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to be sad.

[00:23:20] I wasn't allowed to cry.

[00:23:21] I wasn't allowed to have emotion.

[00:23:23] And that developed into an adult is not being allowed to have emotion, period.

[00:23:27] As a kid, we try to hide the sadness.

[00:23:29] We try to hide crying.

[00:23:30] So when I realized that as an adult, being resilient was for me doing the difficult thing,

[00:23:42] no matter how hard it was.

[00:23:47] Not looking at the end result, separating myself from the outcome and doing the hard thing.

[00:23:52] It worked.

[00:23:54] Every little thing for me now is a win.

[00:23:59] Every time I go to the gym and work out, that's a win.

[00:24:03] Every time I go for a walk with my dog, that's a win.

[00:24:07] Every time my kids make fun of me, that's a win.

[00:24:12] And they make fun of me a lot, dude.

[00:24:14] It's almost like borderline bullying.

[00:24:16] Yeah.

[00:24:19] Oh, man.

[00:24:26] So I can give a really good...

[00:24:28] I'll give an example.

[00:24:29] And maybe this is helpful.

[00:24:30] And if it's not, then you have complete permission.

[00:24:34] Bring me back online.

[00:24:35] Okay.

[00:24:36] When I was going through my divorce and I was...

[00:24:40] And everybody is.

[00:24:41] But I was hurting so bad.

[00:24:44] I knew I would never put myself in that position again.

[00:24:48] And there were times where I really...

[00:24:49] I wanted to put my running shoes on and I wanted to just go burn it all down.

[00:24:52] I was just going to run until I couldn't.

[00:24:54] Either my body would give out or I wouldn't physically be able to move.

[00:25:00] One of the two was going to happen.

[00:25:02] So I hardened myself to the point that I was training myself to not feel.

[00:25:08] That's where I wanted to go.

[00:25:10] And it was all fear.

[00:25:12] It was fear of it happening with my heart again.

[00:25:15] It was fear of being open to a person and trusting a person.

[00:25:20] All of that was fear.

[00:25:21] And I recently, recently, like in the last 90 days or so, recently came to the conclusion that there's nothing that can happen to me that I can't survive.

[00:25:36] With the things that have happened to me in the last three years, you can't do any worse to me.

[00:25:44] I survived all of those things as bad as I hurt.

[00:25:48] I won't hurt any worse.

[00:25:51] And I know that I can survive those things.

[00:25:54] So I came to terms with being scared of exercising.

[00:25:57] I came to terms with being scared of being open to people.

[00:26:01] And now I look at it like I'm not going to deny myself that joy of being open to someone because if I get hurt again, I know I'll survive it.

[00:26:10] I'm not going to deny myself that joy of doing a hard workout because I know that if I get shocked and my heart quits, I know I'll survive it.

[00:26:20] So that's how I deal with fear now.

[00:26:23] I just face it down.

[00:26:24] And to say I'm not scared is not true.

[00:26:27] I hope I'm not painting that picture.

[00:26:29] But I deal with fear of knowing that it's there.

[00:26:32] I'll go to it.

[00:26:36] And until I learn otherwise, I will always survive it.

[00:26:40] I've survived everything up to this point.

[00:26:43] And I felt like I was not going to survive divorce.

[00:26:45] Wait, I'm sorry.

[00:26:47] Oh, my gosh.

[00:26:49] Deep questions.

[00:26:50] This is advice.

[00:26:52] Not advice.

[00:26:52] It's not advice.

[00:26:53] This is an experience share with deep questioning.

[00:26:56] This is an example.

[00:26:59] So my son watched all this.

[00:27:01] After I recovered, after life was getting back to normal a couple months later, I would ask him,

[00:27:05] Hey, man, are you doing okay with everything?

[00:27:08] You know what his answer was?

[00:27:10] Yeah.

[00:27:11] Oh, yeah.

[00:27:12] Hey, is there anything you want to talk about?

[00:27:15] No.

[00:27:16] There was an event.

[00:27:17] He was a wrestler.

[00:27:19] And a kid got hurt in a wrestling meet.

[00:27:22] And my son was in the meet.

[00:27:23] It was just a freak accident.

[00:27:25] And my son lost it.

[00:27:28] Lost it.

[00:27:28] Gave himself a concussion, hitting his head on the gym floor.

[00:27:32] Lost it.

[00:27:33] And so I ran down out of the bleachers.

[00:27:36] I grabbed him.

[00:27:36] And he said, I can't hear an ambulance.

[00:27:38] I can't hear an ambulance.

[00:27:39] What is happening?

[00:27:41] So I knew something was wrong.

[00:27:43] So a couple of days later, I was like, Hey, Cash, that day that happened at Wando.

[00:27:50] He said, Yeah.

[00:27:51] I said, So what happens when you get shocked with one of those things?

[00:27:55] Do you really raise up off the ground?

[00:27:56] He said, Oh, yeah.

[00:27:57] You bounce up off the ground.

[00:27:59] I was like, Whoa, really?

[00:28:00] He said, Yeah.

[00:28:01] Then what happens?

[00:28:02] He said, Then there's this loud beep.

[00:28:06] Like you just beeped.

[00:28:08] And everybody said you were dead.

[00:28:09] I said, Whoa.

[00:28:11] What'd you do?

[00:28:12] He said, I just started screaming.

[00:28:14] I didn't know what to do.

[00:28:16] And I'd heard the recounts of this story from other folks at the gym.

[00:28:21] He said, I just started screaming.

[00:28:22] I didn't know what to do.

[00:28:23] I said, Really?

[00:28:25] Who grabbed you?

[00:28:26] He said, Oh, Jen grabbed me.

[00:28:28] Jen was my weightlifting coach.

[00:28:29] So she grabbed him and pulled him off to the side.

[00:28:31] I said, And then what happened?

[00:28:32] Did you try to go back?

[00:28:33] He said, Yeah, I tried, but everybody stood between you and me.

[00:28:38] And so I, and I'm sorry, I'm trying so hard not to get emotional over this.

[00:28:42] He said, Everybody stood between you and me.

[00:28:44] I couldn't get back to you.

[00:28:46] So what were you thinking?

[00:28:47] He said, I was thinking I just lost my dad.

[00:28:49] So how'd that make you feel?

[00:28:52] So I didn't know.

[00:28:53] I didn't know what I would do.

[00:28:54] I didn't know what I would tell mom.

[00:28:56] I didn't know what I was going to.

[00:28:59] I didn't know what I was going to tell my brothers.

[00:29:01] I didn't know what to do.

[00:29:02] So do you, how do you feel about that now?

[00:29:04] Do you feel like it's going to happen now?

[00:29:06] He said, No, not now.

[00:29:08] I saw that you would go work out and I saw that you would stop if you have to.

[00:29:14] So to answer your question, I was always asking questions on the surface, David, because if

[00:29:21] I could ask the questions on the surface, then we could keep our game at surface level.

[00:29:25] And I didn't have to deal with the hard stuff.

[00:29:28] Are you okay?

[00:29:29] Yes.

[00:29:29] Oh, thank God.

[00:29:30] Now I don't have to deal with it.

[00:29:33] But asking those deeper questions, go to any parent or anyone in a relationship that's

[00:29:41] staying on the surface.

[00:29:42] I would say, go to the danger, go to the danger, go find that danger.

[00:29:51] Ask those hard questions, man.

[00:29:53] They can find me.

[00:29:54] My Instagram page is all can underscore.

[00:29:57] No, can't all can.

[00:29:59] No, can't let's all focus on what we can do.

[00:30:02] No, can't let's all focus on what we can do.