Ah, 2026. The year you promised yourself you’d do yoga, stop stalking your ex’s Instagram, and finally figure out what the hell a “co-parenting app” is. But here’s the truth: if you’re in the divorce recovery club, you don’t need resolutions that make you feel bad for not being a perfect human. You need resolutions that make you laugh, think, and maybe—just maybe—keep you from throttling a family member at the next White Elephant party.
So, from my love tank to yours, here are some smart-assed, funny, and real resolutions for this year:
1. Embarrass Your Kids More Than Your Ex Embarrassed You
Let’s be honest, half the fun of being a single parent is the unspoken competition of “Who Can Mortify the Children More?” This year, I resolve to sing louder at hockey games, wear socks with sandals, and maybe even bust out the dad jokes in front of their friends. If your kids aren’t rolling their eyes at least twice a week, are you even parenting?
2. Stop Trying to Please Everyone—Unless They’re Bringing Tacos
Look, you can’t make everyone happy. In fact, sometimes you can’t even make yourself happy before coffee. So, let’s agree: I will not twist myself into a pretzel to accommodate five households, three blended families, and one controlling mother-in-law. If you show up with tacos, though, we can talk.
3. “No” is a Complete Sentence. Mic drop.
2026 is the year of boundaries, baby. Repeat after me: No. No explanation, no apology, no 14-paragraph text. If “no” is good enough for Siri, it’s good enough for you.
4. Let Go of the Fantasy That You Can Control Everything (Even Kyle)
If Christmas taught us anything, it’s that someone’s going to spill red wine on your white carpet (looking at you, Kyle). You can’t control everything—so stop trying. Instead, invest in stain remover and laugh about it. Or only invite Kyle if he promises to drink white wine.
5. Give Yourself Grace—and Maybe Call Her Up if She’s Cute
We all mess up. Maybe you told off your ex’s new in-laws. Maybe you called your boss “Mom” on Zoom. It’s cool. Give yourself some grace. And if Grace is single and a hottie, well… shoot your shot.
6. Make Time for Yourself—Even If It’s Just Hiding in the Bathroom
You survived the holidays. If that means you hid in the bathroom with your phone for an hour, congratulations—you’re officially in the Divorce Recovery Hall of Fame. Self-care is self-care, even if it’s just locking the door and pretending you’re busy.
7. Be Intentional—Even If That Means Intentionally Napping
Maybe you’ll go for a walk. Maybe you’ll binge-watch crime documentaries and call it “research.” Just be intentional about your time. If you want to nap, nap like you mean it.
8. Forgive, But Don’t Forget (Unless It’s Your Car Keys)
Forgiveness is for you, not them. But let’s be real: don’t let that toxic ex back in just because you “forgave” them. The only thing you should be inviting back is your own peace of mind—or maybe that friend who brings good wine.
9. Accept That Family is Weird, Blended, and Sometimes a Hot Mess
Your family is a patchwork quilt of exes, step kids, and that one “auntie” who overshares. Embrace the chaos. You survived another year. That’s worth celebrating.
Happy New Year, you beautiful disaster. Here’s to healing, laughing, and living on your own terms!